How do I go about getting my moderate dementia husband to go through his library of books?

Rjfdoughboy, welcome to the forum. When you mentioned books, that reminded me of my father. When it was time for him to move from his single family home into an apartment at senior living, I asked him to look over this books to see what he really wanted, what to donate, and what to toss away.


Well, the standing joke was Dad looked at his books, out of the 200 books, he decided to keep 199 :)


Turned out his books were his "security blanket". Therefore, when at the senior living facility, he felt so comfortable being surrounded by all his bookcases and books. Even when it was for time to move into Memory Care and a much smaller room, I made sure all those books were in his new room.

You cannot get a person with moderate dementia to go through his library of books. They hold no meaning for him now. I suggest you pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your husband in a productive way.

Good luck.

The simple answer to your question is...you don't.
You and your children will have to go through them at some point, but your husband with his broken brain will be of no help to you with that task. It will only overwhelm him and more than likely agitate him as well.
If you think your husband may have some books that may be worth some money, you can call in an auction company to advise you.

What is it that you want him to do regarding those books? Organize them? Find the value to sell them?

No matter, it is an activity he can only do with someone else to keep him on track, and even then this may not be possible. Does he have a buddy that can come in to possible help him for an hour a week? Or, was he a member of a book club so that 1 person can come and help with this?

My 100-yr old Aunt had advanced dementia, living in her home and was still mobile with help and a walker. To keep her busy and to help her burn energy during the day so that she'd sleep better at night, I had her sort colored poker chips. The first time she set to it, to my surprise, instead of sorting them by color she arranged them into very geometrical patterns. Her lifelong career was as a graphic designer and illustrator. This is in her long-term memory and definitely still was accessible to her.

Maybe having your husband go through his library is something that he can do where there is no "wrong way" to do it? If it keeps his attention and gives you a break, then yay!

I'm sorry you are on the dementia journey... may you receive wisdom and peace in your hearts!

When my dad was in moderate dementia, there was no way for him to sort through anything. If asked, he would either dump the contents of a box on the floor and then push it with his foot into a closet, or he would rummage through a bit and then say “I need it all” or “just put it back where you found it” or whatever, to items he hadn’t looked out or used in 15 years or more. At the same time, he would sometimes throw away vitally important mail, I suspect because he couldn’t really read or understand it at all anymore.

He carried certain items around with him pretty much to the end of his life including one or two books, and would spend a lot of time hunting for certain DVDs which he had misplaced or lost. My mom kept ordering new copies. He also felt strongly about getting two daily newspapers but they would just pile up unread.

Maybe you could try boxing some up and moving them to a place in the house he never goes? Then if he doesn’t notice they are gone, just donate them? Or do you think it might work to say “so and so really wants to read XYZ. Can we lend your books on this to him?” Or maybe “the church needs books for the rummage sale” or any kind of charity that he favors.

I’m not sure why you are asking. Are you trying to downsize? Or just don’t want to have to do it yourself after he is gone?

I’d try him on some books with pictures first, probably only two at a time. Say "It's a long time since you've had a chance to look at these" - NOT "I want to chuck them out". See if he looks at them. Set aside those he isn’t interested in at all.

If he seems to value those with pictures, try him on less ‘visual’ books. Talk to him about them, see if he is interested. Set aside those that don’t ring any bells.

Keep a small bookcase to fill with books, so that you don’t appear to have ‘got rid of them all’. Unless you are under time pressure, take it slowly. It's a big job if you do it all at once. Little by little, it might even start a few conversations he could enjoy.

My FIL had a room that was "just his". It was a bonus room that he had claimed as his bedroom, but because it was so big, he also had room for a couch and chair, and what we called the "command center" - which was his computer desk, his printer desk and his magnifier desk - so he basically sat in the middle like he was flying a starship LOL.

On either side of this room were attic spaces with little doors, that ran the entire length of the room. In addition, he had a shelf where he stored all of his toiletries, medications etc.

We KNEW he didn't throw anything away. But he wouldn't let anyone look at anything or try to clean it up - so we didn't really understand how bad it was.

When he passed away we learned what it was he really liked to collect lol. Paper. Receipts, bills, newspapers, old letters, If it was paper -he still had it. To the point that some of the receipts were just white paper with a shadow.

In the end - we had to throw away 6 of the 95-gallon contractors bags full of just paper trash. We kept ONE very small banker box of papers that we thought we might need for the estate or that were just sentimental or flat out belonged to DH and SIL (their ORIGINAL raised seal birth certificates were in there for example). And that was maybe 1/2 full.

And we had to pay to have around 200 gallons of paper shredded.

And that was just in the areas he could reach - he was barely mobile and would have to roll over to one of those attics in his chair and just throw whatever into the door. But EVERY SINGLE PAPER in there was important if we talked about cleaning it out and trying to organize the actual important things.

My 98 year old grandmother - hoards all kinds of things - neatly. knickknacks, dish/china sets, old food containers to use as tupperware, and CLOTHES - dear lord the clothes. There are 8 closets in her house. When my grandfather was still alive - he had PART of one. She had 7 1/2. Now she has 8. My mom has tried to pry some of them away, but she swears she might wear them. FINALLY she relented and told mom that she could take clothes from the upstairs closets because she couldn't get up there anymore without a lot of work, and it was ok as long as she didn't SEE mom get rid of them.

I think often as we age - we get attached to THINGS that belong to us. For both my FIL and my grandmother - a lot of their attachment was that they didn't have much growing up and those are THEIR things.

I think you have to figure out what works. For my FIL, we would periodically slip things out and he would never notice. But we had to be careful about WHAT we snuck out. It took time to figure out what he wouldn't miss. With my grandmother, it was important to mom to have her permission. Once she cajoled that out of her, mom just waited until my grandmother wasn't in view and started getting stuff out. (cleaning out her house is going to take a long time - she's got three full size attics, plus all of the storage in the house. Mom and I already both have a set of inherited china, and I know my grandmother has 5 more sets in her house. My girls will probably take them but won't use them - just like I have.)

I HATE clutter. Knickknacks, just stuff. I'm pretty minimalist, so I have to be careful about trying to get others to meet me where I am.

I have a feeling you will be dealing with this after he is admitted to memory care or passes. They can't remember or focus enough to take on a task like that. He will say he wants them all.

Why would you expect someone with Dementia to be able to go through anything?

People with Dementia are unable to remember anything. They cannot organize, as this would be confusing to them.

You will have to be the one to go through his library of books, and ALL of his personal belongings.

Start now, because it is a huge job that will be harder after he dies.

The first thing that comes to my mind is, why is it so important to you to make him do this?
I was looking for more information, so I read your profile bio.
I feel I share some similar life experiences with you. My husband and I married when we were both 48 yrs old. He had a triple bypass heart surgery just months after we got married. He then suffered a massive stroke just 5 years into our marriage, leaving him with vascular dementia (due to brain damage caused by the stroke), unable to walk, unable to talk, unable to safely chew and swallow solid foods, and incontinent, in diapers.

It has been 9 years now. I quit my office job 8 years ago, when he was kicked out of the nursing home due to his unmanageable behavior and aggressive refusal of personal cares.

I share this story with you because it has been a devastating and unexpected life experience. It's been a long hard road caring for him at home, and wishing, praying that he would improve. I have reached a point of acceptance. This has now become our "normal" life.

Having a loved one with dementia puts us in an uncomfortable position of mourning the loss of the person we formerly knew, but unable to really grieve, because they are still living with us.

My advice is, don't worry about the books. Learn to focus on the important things which you (and he) do still have control of. You will find yourself accepting that "this is the best we can do, and it is good enough".
It's hard for some of us who like to have control over things to learn to let go, but eventually leads to less anxiety as we re-prioritize what is important and what we can let go of, and enjoy the good moments!