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So it became a challenge. Can I control myself and answer her with the same loving tone she deserves on the 10th time she asks the same question? How many times can I answer the question _slightly_ differently? Is she asking the same question because she's anxious about something? What could it be? Can I relieve her anxiety?
I became aware of the little ears that were watching me when my little grand-nephew (who loved to visit his great-grandma every day) would answer the question for me.
It was so hard to cope with when it started but somewhere along the journey it became much easier; maybe because I accepted this outward manifestation of her disease when she seemed so "normal" otherwise? Mom has been gone in a physical sense for three months now. What I wouldn't give to go back to those early days when her repeating questions was my big challenge. You have started a journey filled with sadness and frustration, responsibility and indecision, moments of self-doubt but also filled with moments of joy when you know you have helped your loved one. God bless and comfort you.
I hear you.
For me, it’s especially hard when my mother doesn’t believe my answers to her same repeated question.
In our case, deflection doesn’t work. Changing the subject doesn’t work. She just leaves her room to go out and ask the caregivers the same questions.
She must ask them how she will get her next meal, a hundred times a day. That is not an exaggeration. She forgets she’s asked. Then, she won’t accept the answer. Rinse. Repeat.
Sigh.
The good news is that this too shall pass. I’m sure some loved ones are more repetitive than others but my DH aunt did that quite a bit in the beginning and then it tapered off.
Today her repetitive question is “what happened”. She is asking why is she in bed, with an ice pack on her foot…. I assume. Her sentences are pretty short.
Some days I tell her the whole story of how she fell etc.
Some days I say well I got old…
Or … we are having a pandemic
Or…the little boy who went blind at 7 is now playing football.
She seems to like one answer as well as the other. and she usually only asks once.
I think the key is to learn how to roll with it or it will drive you wild.
Try training yourself to do three slow Kegels before answering his questions. Lower your shoulders. Do something simple that is beneficial and relieves your anxiety.
I’m sorry this disease has happened to you and your husband.
Once she descended into her own fantasy world where my father, her devoted husband of 66 years, no longer existed, and she was married to the high school boyfriend she hadn't seen since 1945, we knew we'd lost her once and for all. I had nearly three years of conversing with a stranger who knew me as a friendly face but not as her daughter, because Mom and the boyfriend weren't old enough to have a 60-year-old daughter -- they were forever sixteen years old and in love.
Try to understand that a person with dementia is like a small child in many ways. Remember the days when you were asked "Why?" a hundred times a day by a toddler, and you'll know how to handle your husband's repetitive questions.
With patience.
That said, the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from the situation at home for a few hours every day. Hire in home help and/or get DH into adult day care so you can have some respite from the endless questions. Also, call his doctor to see if there is any medication that could be prescribed to address the issue. IDK that there is, but it's always worth a try to ask.
Wishing you the best of luck finding respite time for yourself every day.
There are some ways that can help break a dementia loop. Like offering them a snack or a toy or some other distraction.
If none of these do the trick, you have to ignore the subject of the loop. You answer a few times then stop answering. If it persists, then you must persist in ignoring it.
I've been in elder homecare a long time and have had many clients who got into dementia loops. Believe me the patience of paid caregivers wears thin as well when it's hour after hour of the same repetition.
I would answer a few times then ignore and stop answering. Sometimes the repeating gets to the point where you have to firmly state that you've already answered it and will be answering it again. I find that this often works well to break a dementia loop after a while.
You're living in the caregiving situation. Learn how to ignore with love.
1.Watch Teepa Snow videos for good information
2. Get the book called the 36 hour day.
3. Try to break this loop with distraction, write out signs with the information. Like the day or the schedule. Try to give food, change the venue, smile and touch their arm,comforting them. Anxiety can cause this presentation. Afternoon evening can be worse as in sundowners.
Also found a YouTube doctor called Careblazers and it has great info.
Best wishes,
Prayers.
I thought of it as a game. Can I change the outcome of the conversation loop? Can I find the triggers and control the loops? Can I move him from an unpleasant loop to one I don’t mind?
Best part was if I failed, I’d have another chance to try soon enough!
Try not answering and instead directing them to something else.
Let them listen to music as music therapy is great.
Put on headphones yourself where you can't really hear the repetitions.
Get others to relieve you a few hours a day or Hire a Caregiver and leave the house a few hours a day.
You will get burn out being the sole Caregiver.
I feel so bad for you. Really I do. It must be hell on earth for a senior who doesn't have dementia to have to live with people who do 24/7. I can't imagine what that must be like for you. I certainly don't blame you for avoiding people with mental issues. In my many years of in-home caregiving, not one time have I ever accepted an assignment (agency or private) who was receiving services because their handicap was mental. I will not take on caregiving for psychiatric cases or for people with mental special needs. Any caregiving work I do take involving dementia is always on a trial period, and I make this known to a family up front. If I find that I'm not a good match with them, I don't stay on the assignment.
You should not have to live among others with dementia. Is it possible for you to move to a senior housing community and get some homecare assistance to help you out? I've worked for lots of seniors over the years who lived in senior housing which is not assisted living. It was apartment housing for people 65 and older. You bring in your own help if needed. This is the kind of place my father lived in and he was very happy there. He had a nice place in a security building, good parking, and could come and go as he pleased. I think this kind of thing would be a better fit for someone like you instead of an AL facility.
As said in a previous answer, redirecting is very useful. Music is great. If he has favorite movies that catch his attention, that can work well, too. Is he very mobile?
Getting upset will not help the matter, just let him know you are there for him and love him. It is good to keep him active and engaged as much as possible. Do not let yourself be overwhelmed. Praying they will soon find a cure for dementia and so many other problems.
1 - Hearing. How is your husband's hearing? If he doesn't hear well he might now hear your answers. If he has hearing aides, consider cleaning them and changing the batteries or getting them checked.
2 - Diversion. Repetitive conversations or actions are like a stuck record. Help the record to "move along" by diverting to other topics or activities. If he gets anxious, agitated, or frustrated, or acting out... he may be having anxiety dealing with a world that seems difficult to understand. The doctor could prescribe a mild anti-anxiety medication to help.
We had some friends that told the same story no matter what we did to change the topic. Now mom does the same thing. I just nod my head in agreement