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You can't feel responsible for "making her feel all hope isn't lost". You can only keep a positive, reassuring attitude with her. I
It's okay to set boundries! You have to take care of yourself, too. If you can do so kindly you will feel good about the interactions. If she doesn't allow that, accept responsibility for your own behavior and reactions and blame her attitudes/outbursts on the disease - over which neither one of you has any control.
As I said earlier today, we can't keep beating ourselves up. Protect your heart and your own life. After all, our parents had their lives and we are still entitled to ours. So we need to take care of them with love and kindness but remain true to ourselves. (I need to listen to my own words here!) God Bless!!
Also, she has a part time caregiver who acts as her friend/companion which helps enormously. I no longer need to provide a psychologist to deal with her depression.
Keeping her physically active with yoga, dance or sound input (a Bose radio) is not only stimulating, but well appreciated. The radio station is kept on a classical station to keep her from being anxious.
She also has lunch/dinner with residents that are active and talkative. They know that she has dementia and help her along in conversation.
These are some things that I have done for her. Let me know the response you get from your Mother/Father.
If they can still remember how to answer a phone (my dad does not) call and let them know you are on the way. etc etc. My dad is becoming more and more dependent and his security is laying in bed all day unless I take him for a ride. That's his stable security...not good in that he losses muscle tone...but he doesn't know how to be social anymore, doesn't read or write, play games etc. I am now arranging for a sitter to be with him while I am gone so that he feels safe and secure. Just one of those things that has to be done.
If your mother developed a severe persistent cough, you would probably take her to a professional to have it evaluated and treated. This is the same deal. She has developed signs of depression. I hope that you can take her to a geriatric psychiatrist or a neurologist who specializes in dementia, and get a treatment plan in place. Be aware that prescribing for conditions of the brain involves some experimentation, because no two brains are identical. If the first drug does not help, there are several others that might.
Meanwhile, know that the "real" mother is still in there. She can't help her bad moods. Keep reminding yourself that it is the disease, not your real mother, that is demanding and needy. Certainly it is frustrating. But you need to go about your own life in a way that the "real" mother would approve, not be cowed by the disease. Surely your mother wants you to have a life. She can't help what the disease is doing to her.
There is no cure for dementia; it gets worse. But there are treatments for many of the accompaning symptoms. I hope that consulting with the right kind of professional will allow more of your real mother to come forward.
Hugs, smiles, little surprises, treats, and patience are all very appropriate, too!
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