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However, more important at the moment, is to realize that if you have an emotional breakdown you will be unable to care for you husband, at least for awhile...There will be no warning or time to get ready...Someone will pick up the problems and handle them without any effort on your part as you would be incapacitated. I urge you to get some way to have some time off, if not for a number of weeks at a time, at least two or three days a week....You may want to consider talking to your clergy man/woman, counselor, etc. It may cost a lot, but do it anyway.
Once your mind and body has at least some relief on a predictable basis, you can deal with the ethical and moral issues, but if you crack up emotionally, it is going to be messier...
In my case I cared for my paralyzed wife, who was unable to speak, could not stand or walk and had to be spoon fed for two years at home, then I had a heart attack, then for ten more years she as at a nursing home and I visited her twice daily and also hired paid ladies to help her with her evening meal and visit. We spent well over a half million dollars on her nursing home care. I was away from town only about 20 nights in all those 12 years....I consider it the most important accomplishment of my life....I do not say you should feel likewise, but my heart attack made it impossible for me to care for her at home any longer...
May God bless you as you labor through these difficult times...
Grace + Peace,
Bob
PS The missus died in 2017 and in April 2019 I married a remarkable widow and we are living the "happily ever after" lifestyle together.
He spent 3 months in ICU/Rehab and 1 year of outpatient Rehab. It turned their world upside down and she worked like a Warrior caring for him and getting him to all the doctor appointments, dealing with hospital bills, insurance, a lawsuit, etc.
Miraculously, he learned to drive again and returned to work under supervision. His current state - he is extremely deaf, introverted, no friends, wants her undivided attention, and he has trouble controlling his temper. He has been sent home from work numerous times without pay due to his outbursts and lack of control. He is now in jeopardy of losing his job. He spends his day watching movies on his laptop with earphones on. No interaction, will not play with their son unless prompted. Yet, when she tries to get out and have some quiet time to herself, he wants to go with her. He cries and pouts if she tells him no. She refers to him as her second child.
She has hit the wall, and is seeing a Therapist and Lawyer to discuss next steps. As she said if there are no changes, she will die of a heart attack from the stress.
A very heartbreaking situation. My Prayers are with all of you. May you find Happiness and Comfort in your next chapter.
I'm 75 but with a mental age of 50 and active and want to live the rest of what I have left the way I want too and happy.
Dont be afraid of what others think they dont live in your shoes ...Go be happy and true be know your spouse would want you too...MY ADVICE GO BE HAPPY!!
Speaking only for myself, I would never want to put another person in the position of being tied to me and suffering because of that. It would hurt me greatly.
Have you looked into having him admitted to a rehab facility? Are there any adult day health facilities you can take advantage of?
Do you have an agency that addresses Adults with disabilities?
i would check all of these possibilities and I would also recommend you find some form of counseling for yourself to deal with you panic attacks before you develop a physical disability yourself.
It is not easy ( this I know first hand)
but don’t do anything that is going to make you feel guilty as it will only complicate things for you
Good Luck !
Are there independent Group Homes in your area?
Either of these option would give you a break, give him something to do and in the Group Home there may be some Job Skills that can be either utilized or retaught.
Even if you had to place him in Assisted Living there are plenty of people on this site that have placed a spouse and are now living apart. He11 I had my Husband at home and there were times when it felt like we were living apart. Him in a hospital bed, me in another bed in the same room then later we moved his bed to another room. He was in his "world" I was living my life best as I could. Trying to keep myself sane, and connected to the other world.
There is no "right" or "wrong" thing to do. You do what is best for you and for him.
I was told years ago statistically many caregivers die before the people they are caring for simply because we fail to care for ourselves. Our health suffers both physically and emotionally. Don't let yourself become a statistic.
Something that came to mind as I was reading- have you tried to view your husband's new personality changes without the lens of the TBI? I wonder what that would be like. My husband (who does not have a TBI, so yes it is a rather different comparison) has some pretty serious personality quirks that lead to a great deal of fighting and a whole cloud of negativity, until I tried relating to him where he was. I read books on his personality (including several about introverts and highly sensitive people). He read them too. I think personal counseling for you both, and couples counseling together, is absolutely essential. We also benefitted greatly from the book, The Power of Two, which discusses relationship communication strategies. They also have a workbook. I don't know if this is beyond the scope of what he is able to do or what you feel is the best direction for you and for you both, but I do feel like coming at the matter a bit differently may help ease tensions between you and help improve his behavior- It does sound like he's feeding off your stress, and cannot process it out, which is causing a spiral of negative feelings between you. Maybe there's a way to interrupt that cycle with something more productive/ positive.
I do also agree with previously stated advice to take care of yourself, explore alternate living arrangements, and explore alternate / respite caregiver options.
You are in an unusually tough predicament! But as someone mentioned, you might be surprised at how much support you get for taking care of yourself.
My brother has a TBI from a motorcycle accident 50 years ago and it ruined his life. He never worked and developed a severe drinking problem, layered with pot. He can't remember or learn and has poor judgment and motivation. He did marry for awhile but was a clod of a husband. They had one kid who's got problems from growing up the way he did.
I hope you watch out for yourself first. Good luck!
i get the feelings you want to divorce but are so worried about what others will think. Don’t be. You might be surprised
you are very young with a lot of living to do and you should follow your instincts. Your spouse has a father and a brother He is not without help. They will learn to cope and help.
Please let let us know how you go
Explore all your options, including if he has parents who can take over a guardianship or conservators, and care for their son.
Since your panic attacks are also disabling you, here is a married couple requiring more care than can be realistically provided by each other. Get him that care, maybe in a LTC facility specializing in TBI.
Once you are living separately and each of you has the care you need, whether you divorce or not is your choice. Get wise counsel first.
Hope that is somewhere you can start with a plan.
Yes, for better or worse but your worse came before the marriage got off its feet.
I think its time to talk to a lawyer. There are options out there. Your worse, it seems, will never get better. No light as the end of the tunnel. You really deserve more at your age. You need to find out what your options are. Even if divorced, will u have some financial responsibility? Does he have family that can step up? No, there will be people who won't like what you do but your physical and mental state are involved plus you ability to hold down a good job. Really, u have never had a marriage.
By the way, this is coming from a 69 yr old who has been married for 38 yrs. Good luck and please come back and tell us how it works out.
I have seen two people go through this. The first friend has a wife and two young sons, was vacationing in Tahoe, she awakened and said she was going for a before breakfast walk on the shore and didn't return. She had fallen from a cliff into the water, and what was saved was someone in a vegetative (for want of a better term and so all know what I mean) state for MANY years and until her death. He had two young sons to raise, and honestly no wife, and money disappearing like wildfire. The second, a woman friend whose hubby ended up much like yours from motorcycle accident. It was a few years before each realized that their spouses were simply not there. They separated, divorced actually, so that there were separated finances, and money to raise the sons in the first case, and because she was young, newly married in the second, and her husband was living, though gone. For me, this would not be sustainable. You will be judged harshly. There will be many who will say it was "for better for worse". For me that is not the case. I would hope my husband would leave and make a life. It is something we have talked about, but we are together many years, and have had time to discuss many things. I think this is a decision only you can make. I think that whatever decision you DO make will leave you a world of pain to live through, but I think that only one decision will give you a life to live after the pain. As I said, I don't know his current state nor his prognosis. I am assuming that your separation would be something he doesn't even know of. So incredibly sorry for what you are going through. I have seen people go through it and it is devastating. My friend in the first instance divorced, eventually met a wonderful woman, his boys are raised and one works with him. He travels the world and lives a full life and takes nothing for granted. For our fragile selves, this can happen in an instant.