Has anyone made the decision to place their spouse in a memory care facility?

You will no doubt miss her but when it reaches the point where she "disappears" and you have to track her down outside the house, it becomes dangerous. We hired help 24/7 for my uncle for a year and a half but that became so expensive, we couldn't continue. Also, he would escape the minute they turned their back and we'd all end up trying to find him - sometimes for over an hour or more. There seems to be a need to "go" somewhere - anywhere in some dementia patients. It's wearing to try and explain why they can't and trying to keep track every minute. It was painful to move him into a care facility but we found a place that's very caring. We can visit him any day of the week and for at least 12 hours a day, if we want.

Even when you place them in a facility, it takes time for them and you to adjust. Eventually they do and you'll find more peace of mind. And, we can take care of our own needs and responsibilities now, which was becoming more and more of a challenge. Every facility is different so check out several for comparison. Even state run facilities vary.

The thing is, the person you knew all these years is gone. That's the hardest part of the process to accept. We would even think maybe it's temporary and the person we knew would come back and be really angry with us for putting him in care. That doesn't happen.

We had to present it as a "trial" period at first but eventually he came to realize that its permanent. We tell him we're keeping him safe until things get better. COVID played into that nicely. He doesn't always remember what that is but with gentle reminders, he knows its something bad he doesn't want to get so he'll stay put as long as he's "in danger". By the Way, the care facility is so conscientious he didn't get it at all for two years. They caught it quickly when he did and took very good care of him while he recovered. The state has requirements that minimize the possibilities of getting ill and also special care when they do. He was probably safer than we could ever have made him at home.

Yes, there's a community of aged residents and quite a few staff members who rotate throughout the day. He has his favorites having found lunch "buddies" (ladies and gentlemen) and care helpers whose company he's come to enjoy. They have music performance once or twice a week, activities out on the lawn in the summer, day trips here and there and lots of opportunities to interact with others. They have "movie" afternoons, exercise classes, and art classes. He's busy almost all day, every day.

His blood pressure and temperature are taken twice a day. His rooms are cleaned for him and his laundry done and put away.

It's a hard decision to make. There are facilities where I wouldn't want him to be; the quality of care and kinds of other patients are important. But, he's better off - much better off and we have more peace of mind knowing he's not going wandering where anything can happen.

And, there will always be friends and family who think you're awful for placing your loved one in a home. They'll have all kinds of "horror" stories to tell - the facts of which you can't actually check out for yourself. You are not accountable to such individuals. They aren't living every day with the problems you are and so it becomes easy to criticize. Make friends with others who support you and who understand what you're going through.

Placing your wife in a good care facility does not mean you don't love her. Send her cards every day in the beginning. We order special treats like Cheesecake Factory a couple of times per month. We drop off "goodies" like his favorite candy bars once a week. We visit often. He's happy; not perfectly but then, he never was perfectly happy.

Your wifes needs have changed and her safety has to be number one. Placing her is probably the best thing for her.

I am one of many who had to make that very difficult decision for my wife, just over a year ago. The decision actually became easier, if you can really call it that, because she was becoming a threat to herself. We and the caregivers I had hired were having a harder and harder time of keeping my wife safe and occupied and physically healthy. We had, long ago,( 4 years earlier) taken her driving privilege and locked all doors a year earlier. She was unaware of were she was, she always wanted to “go home”, and was unaware of me, most of the time (her husband of 53 years, she was 77) . Then she started falling, which if I were you, I would be very careful about, especially if you are allowing your spouse.m to walk outside freely. I only mention my experiences as a possibility of what may be ahead for you, but, remember, everyone is different. When my wife fell, hopefully on a carpet, she did not injure herself, thankfully, but injuries could have been substantial. The lose of motor control by the brain is just one more step in the downward spiral of Alzeheimer’s and other dementia.
Looking back, we, the caregivers, my daughter and I, probably should have attempted to place her in a memory care facility sooner, before she lost her verbal communication ability or started falling. By the time she was placed a year ago, she did not seem to mind, as if, as we told her, she was “going home”. Just remember that such placement is for the good of her, you, and your family. If you have not heard it from others, just remember that the wellbeing of the caregiver, you, is just as important ,if not more so, than the one you are caring for, your spouse.
My wife was in the facility, seemingly contented ( she had lost all emotional expressions) for two months, when she passed away on January 8, 2022. She is safe now. Peter

My husband has been in Memory Care for over 2 years and when I first placed him it was heartbreaking. My husband was in adult day care and the nurse there recommended a memory care facility not far from our home. I just knew I couldn't take care of him any longer.
I visit him every day at different times to be sure he is doing well and is clean. I make sure he is shaven since they don't shave him. He walks all night & sleeps during the day. He does ask when he can go home.
I take him to the foot Dr every 6 weeks and then for lunch. He enjoys that. I don't take him out very often because then he asks about going home. It's very sad because I know he can't come home. I wish he could come home; I miss our time together.
I wish you the best in making your decision. It will be hard on you and even harder when you leave her there and go home by yourself.
I'm praying for you and your wife.
God Bless, Roofie

Newtothis22: She must be placed in a managed care facility for her own safety as she is wandering.

Make sure you do your research and place her in Memory Care. A lot if assisted living facilities are now offering all levels of care. My parents facility has a wonderful Memory Care unit. I moved my parents in four years ago and I regularly see some of the regulars on their walks, they do outings etc.

do what you know in your heart is best for her. I know that guilt holds some of us back but you need to keep her safe.

your journey wont be over, you will still be taking care if her but she will be safe.

All I have to say is research the facility and make sure it is a place you would be happy in. I had a bad experience with one. There are small places and large ones each has a different feel. Good luck.

As far as visiting your wife in MC, you will have to do what feels right. I absolutely love both the pictures of my Mom before and after dementia, even though they are very different people. Why? I loved both of those special angels. Many days in her dementia, she did not know who I was. It did not matter to me. Before it got to that point, I wondered what it would be like, if as bad as everyone said. Not at all, to me. I was honored when she called me "a good friend". Her friends loved her unconditionally, not like us kids. So I understood her confusion. I was sweet to her now. Lol I was just so glad that in her dementia she trusted me. That was a hard earn, they are so scared. In the end, when we learned to clear up her infection, she did know us! It was all a gift. There is an old story. Friend to man: "why do you bother to visit your wife every day, when she hasn't known you for two years?" Man: "I know who She is."

Dear Newtothis22:

Yes, I did it for my wife of 55 years. It is selfish to hang on to something that is gone and you know it is gone yet your heart sees the physical person and not the reality of someone that is no longer occupying the physical body you know so well. You have to learn it.

My wife has been in MC for 6 weeks now and I visited her everyday for the first 4 weeks and have learned to try every other day but will also cut that back. I was her full time caregiver for approx. 4+ years and the disease finally stole her from me.

Like everybody told me but I didn't believe it, she has made new friends and may not even know there names but the attachment transfer is definitely there. You will be amazed at what the inner self finds to compensate for the loss of memory. It is a way and despite the incredible cost, it has saved my life and sanity for the remaining family I have and love.

I often say that dementia is a fate worse than death and it is....but who would choose that? Not me....I have my love and my memories and just hope and pray that my wife will be comfortable, satisfied and happy for as long as she is able to find compensation in what has been placed on her. With death, it is definitely over....with dementia, you are in a fight that you are going to lose. You can't help your loved one (other than MC) but you can and should help yourself.

If you just can't stand it, you can always take her out of MC care. But you will be signing your own extended misery.

I wish you luck!

You have already gotten some wonderful advice. Placing them in MC is one of the hardest things you will do. If her safety is being jeopardized and your health is suffering because you are trying to manage her, it is time. I placed my husband of 48 years in an excellent MC facility. We set up the room so that it was nice and homey. While it was so so difficult to put him there then walk away, it was the most compassionate and loving thing that I could do for him. Soon, he began to think that it was his office and that the people were his agents (we owned a real estate office years ago). He also thought he was back in the military. I go to see him almost every day and that has helped both of us a lot. Sometimes I take him out to spend time with our grandchildren, which he absolutely loves. At times, he will say that he wants to go back to our home, but that is not possible since he probably wouldn't want to leave. While I have peace of mind because I know that he is safe 24/7, it is still hard for me to live without him. The journey is tough. All you can do is navigate the best that you know how.

Absolutely, it's necessary for their wellbeing and YOURS too. I had to place my sister in memory care when she became unable to care for herself. I went through a lot of guilt over it but it turned out to be a real blessing. I visited several times a week and always on different days and times, in order to be sure she was being taken care of properly. You WILL have guilt, no way around it but you are doing the right thing.

I also had to make this decision
she did not like it but we could not make the stairs, so we moved in an assisted home care , she also had dimmentia , we were well taken in care, she passed away after 2.5 years at age 88.
here we were taken care , we did not like to leave the home that we built and lived there for 62 years.

I believe you understand the dilemma of trying to have a relationship with a person who has become a stranger. I also commend you for understanding her need for socialization and relationships (even if that's not the goal, she just needs to be heard and for people to watch over her 24/7). If you place her very close to your home or place her in Memory Care where Independent Living is available to the spouse, then you can keep a watch over her daily care): it's called, "Continued Care or Life Care."

We've all heard of the nightmares that some facilities provide, so it's wise to stay close or hire a "Visiting Angel" for daily visits (remember President Reagan's famous quote, "Trust, but verify." You do have options and an Elder Law Attorney can be a great asset to have as you navigate old age: I've come to realize that we all have to make choices for ourselves, too, or we will be old and lost just like our demented loved ones.

Yes. My husband moved to an AL/MC residence in July. Heartbreaking and I miss him very much but can no longer maintain a safe and healthy environment for him despite a team of aides, nurses and therapists coming to our home. He continues to show great improvement with 24/7 care and loves his classes, meals, and socialization. I visit every day. It is extremely difficult but the right thing for his well being and mine. God bless everyone going through this stage of life.

My dad was my mom’s primary caregiver. She was diagnosed in 2006, and her needs exceeded his ability to keep her safe in early 2010. As much as we wanted her to be able to stay home, her safety was paramount, and we all knew it. We (my sis, my dad and me) all toured MC places and found a lovely one.

My point is her best interests had to come first - health and safety are paramount. It doesn’t mean it’s not difficult emotionally, because it is. The thoughts - are we abandoning, failing, etc. Failure would be failing to recognize when the situation exceeds our abilities. Heck, we would move heaven and earth, if we could… but the point is, we can’t.

Health and safety. Her’s and yours, too. If she is wandering, finding a great place where she is safe, in the right environment with the right care, and you can visit, is going to benefit her the most. Plus you need your rest in order to advocate for her in other ways, and for you to stay healthy.

My best to you both.

My wife (born in 1955) had dementia issues and I kept her home as long as I could.  She would wander and refused to wear any sort of tracker (such as project lifesaver) saying she was not a criminal. I retired early to be able to care for her. The local police got to know her from wandering issues. She was erratic in driving but I let her do some for short periods (before her driving issues would kick in and under supervision).  Finally, the police that found her reported this to DMV and DMV required a medical form completed by her doctor and sent directly from the doctor to DMV. That ended her driving when the DMV revoked her driving privileges.
 
I had purchased long term care insurance years ago and started some in-home assistance. However, at one point she started acting aggressively. When I no longer felt safe sleeping in the same house with her we started looking for memory care facilities. After she attacked us twice within 2 hours the police took her in and she was sent to a state hospital for evaluation. They determined that she needed to be in a controlled memory care facility and agreed to release her as long as she was taken directly to the memory care facility we had settled on. But when she did come out from the state hospital it was like she was a different person.
 
For me putting her in memory care was a very difficult decision but in retrospect it was the right thing to do. Lesser options such as the adult care facility were not available due to Covid shut downs until her condition was so bad that they could not allow her in the program once they re-opened.. My life is emptier as when visiting she really does not seem to recognize us and it is hard to see my wife in her. She cannot assemble a sentence to communicate with us. All that comes out is gibberish. She had been the true love of my life (we have been married for over 43 years) and that makes it hard to continue without her as she was.
 
And as a later shock I got a call from Adult Protective Services. I had always been concerned that they may be second-guessing how I handled my wife through this process. However, they said that I was the one that they saw as at risk and since she was now in the memory care facility they were closing the case as I was now safe.

My wife (born in 1955) had dementia issues and I kept her home as long as I could.  She would wander and refused to wear any sort of tracker (such as project lifesaver) saying she was not a criminal. I retired early to be able to care for her. The local police got to know her from wandering issues. She was erratic in driving but I let her do some for short periods (before her driving issues would kick in and under supervision).  Finally, the police that found her reported this to DMV and DMV required a medical form completed by her doctor and sent directly from the doctor to DMV. That ended her driving when the DMV revoked her driving privileges.
 
I had purchased long term care insurance years ago and started some in-home assistance. However, at one point she started acting aggressively. When I no longer felt safe sleeping in the same house with her we started looking for memory care facilities. After she attacked us twice within 2 hours the police took her in and she was sent to a state hospital for evaluation. They determined that she needed to be in a controlled memory care facility and agreed to release her as long as she was taken directly to the memory care facility we had settled on. But when she did come out from the state hospital it was like she was a different person.
 
For me putting her in memory care was a very difficult decision but in retrospect it was the right thing to do. Lesser options such as the adult care facility were not available due to Covid shut downs until her condition was so bad that they could not allow her in the program once they re-opened.. My life is emptier as when visiting she really does not seem to recognize us and it is hard to see my wife in her. She cannot assemble a sentence to communicate with us. All that comes out is gibberish. She had been the true love of my life (we have been married for over 43 years) and that makes it hard to continue without her as she was.
 
And as a later shock I got a call from Adult Protective Services. I had always been concerned that they may be second-guessing how I handled my wife through this process. However, they said that I was the one that they saw as at risk and since she was now in the memory care facility they were closing the case as I was now safe.

My wife (born in 1955) had dementia issues and I kept her home as long as I could.  She would wander and refused to wear any sort of tracker (such as project lifesaver) saying she was not a criminal. I retired early to be able to care for her. The local police got to know her from wandering issues. She was erratic in driving but I let her do some for short periods (before her driving issues would kick in and under supervision).  Finally, the police that found her reported this to DMV and DMV required a medical form completed by her doctor and sent directly from the doctor to DMV. That ended her driving when the DMV revoked her driving privileges.
 
I had purchased long term care insurance years ago and started some in-home assistance. However, at one point she started acting aggressively. When I no longer felt safe sleeping in the same house with her we started looking for memory care facilities. After she attacked us twice within 2 hours the police took her in and she was sent to a state hospital for evaluation. They determined that she needed to be in a controlled memory care facility and agreed to release her as long as she was taken directly to the memory care facility we had settled on. But when she did come out from the state hospital it was like she was a different person.
 
For me putting her in memory care was a very difficult decision but in retrospect it was the right thing to do. Lesser options such as the adult care facility were not available due to Covid shut downs until her condition was so bad that they could not allow her in the program once they re-opened.. My life is emptier as when visiting she really does not seem to recognize us and it is hard to see my wife in her. She cannot assemble a sentence to communicate with us. All that comes out is gibberish. She had been the true love of my life (we have been married for over 43 years) and that makes it hard to continue without her as she was.
 
And as a later shock I got a call from Adult Protective Services. I had always been concerned that they may be second-guessing how I handled my wife through this process. However, they said that I was the one that they saw as at risk and since she was now in the memory care facility they were closing the case as I was now safe.

I placed my spouse July 5, 2022, into an assisted living facility. My family and I toured seven facilities and selected our top two favorites. My husband and I had lunch at the two favorites and my husband chose the facility he preferred, and I moved him in. Placing my spouse of 57 years who suffers from Alzheimer's into Assisted Living was one of the most difficult decisions of my life, but it was one of the wisest. He has thrived physically and emotionally. In his mind, my husband is "home."

Every situation is unique. Telling someone else what they should do or not do when life decisions are being made is beyond my scope of expertise. However, you asked if someone had placed their spouse in Assisted Living and I did. Placing my husband improved his quality of life and saved my life.

Yes, I placed my husband in memory care last July. It was a very difficult decision for me but I realize that it was for the best. He is a retired airline pilot and thinks he can get his license renewed and fly again. He would become very angry with me because I wasn’t able to help him do so. He was determined to take the car and do on his own. There were a couple of frightening moments when he almost managed to do so. I could no longer keep him safe so made the decision to place him. He thinks that they are helping him to get well so that he can fly again. This makes him happy and he is no longer angry with me. I visit almost every day, if not I call and talk to him. I still question myself at times but overall think I made the best decision for both of us.
hopefully you will be able to make a decision that will keep your wife safe and leave you with peace of mind.

The decision will have to be what's best for her and you. If her care is getting to be too much for you to handle, and if in-home caregivers to take her for walks, help her bathe and dress, make sure she is fed and takes her medications, etc. is not an option, then a memory care facility might be best. There will be professional staff, other residents who might become friends, and they will organize appropriate activities for her abilities. They will also handle her meals, housekeeping and laundry. Only pack functional clothing for her to to take there that is comfortable, easy to get on and off, and can be washed in hot water and dryer (no fancy clothes that need dry cleaning). All the best to you. This is a difficult decision. But also remember that her condition is likely to decline, it won't get better.

My heart breaks for you: my husband is 59 and I am starting to look. I get anxiety thinking about it. I cry at the thought! He is in stage 6 pushing stage 7. He is urinating everywhere but the toilet and I keep saying to myself it’s time. Once I find a place I have asked his brother and sister to take him when the day comes. I will set up his room as close as I can to our room. I think I will then stay away for a couple days as I know I will start crying seeing him so we can’t have that. Maybe I will get on some anxiety meds as well to help me. I know this is the best for my husband and sounds like the same for your wife. Do what you feel is best for her and yourself. I wish you all the luck!! Oh maybe some outside help if you don’t have any? Professional help that is. It does make it easier as I get 9 hours a week and know he’s taken good care of.

IF you are comfortable caring for her, and if you have some help and support, she is better off at home. No one will ever care for her they way you do.

Did u even try hiring a caregiver to assist u and set up an alarm so she can’t leave the room. It sounds like u forgot through thick or thin. Did u get her tested for brain test, blood, nutrition diet u could change did u do ur very very best before sending her on her way. Also, u said she maybe better with others u can hire a caregiver to take her to programs or daycare and bring her home. If it were the other way around I’m quit sure she would do her very best for u. Most of us women do yo the very end. I think for anyone u go that extra mile until u know it’s just not working so quilt won’t set in.

Extremely difficult decision to make. It’s heartbreaking, but you are doing it FOR her, not TO her. If her needs have grown beyond your ability to meet them then you have your answer. It’s time for placement.

Yes, I have made this decision and I will attest that it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I researched MC facilities, selected one and placed him six weeks ago. It’s just 20 miles away; close enough to visit regularly but far enough that I will gradually settle into a semiweekly schedule as he becomes comfortable.

I will tell you that leaving him there on the first day was wrenching. I was not prepared for the look of pure sadness and abandonment. I thought he might be angry but he was just lost. I had to force myself to reason as those here have advised and to offset that expression with the terrifying images that led to this decision: lying on the street at 4:00 AM surrounded by police and EMTs because he had wandered; covered in his own waste because he had tried to cope with his own incontinence; his fury at the smallest slights and his confusion.

It hasn’t been an easy transition but we are at a point where he is accepting his new situation. Is he happy? I think there are times when he feels some degree of control and appreciation for the kind and competent people around him. He eats well, gets PT and speech therapy, sleeps well, and showers three times a week in his own apartment. Our next goal is acceptance on his part that this is his home.

I wish you strength and luck. Every response here is spot on, I now know from experience.

Bless you for taking good care of your wife. You obviously love her very much. #1 While you are making this decision, try to get a little help. Whether its a caregiver agency, friends, family, a church or senior services volunteers. Neighbors even. This has gotten a little beyond you. You may then find that she can stay hone, with that extra help. 24/7 if you can afford it. You would have to determine that.

For a memory care facility: You would have to choose wisely. Most memory care places I've seen leave them alone all day or they put them in a room with others, but don't make sure there is interaction. Also, your wife sounds like she still has some spark. Memory care could take her downhill quickly. Do a pop in visit at different times of the day without telling them, to see what they are like. I am sure there are good ones out there. Maybe ask around with friends, at senior services or church etc.

Find somewhere close that you can visit often!! It will be crucial to her happiness and yours.

Adult Family Homes might be a good option. Again, choose wisely, pop in without notice. I have seen great ones and also terrible ones. I recently saw one where the spouse could live there too! And the spouses enjoyed being there it was so great a place! I am near Seattle, but check your area.

If you already know of a good place and are just trying to decide if it is the right thing to do, I would say you are at the fear stage and overwhelmed and worried about her safety and then yes it is the right thing to do. If she is uncertain let her know you feel she will be safer and might enjoy new surroundings for her walks. Maybe tell her she can try it out for awhile. Something like that might help her transition.

God bless you and lead you to the right option, and quickly!!

In addition to all the other positives listed here for going the Memory Care routet is that you'll now be freed up to just love her. You can visit anytime you'd like, you can spend all day or skip some days, and she'll always be safe and cared for, and mentally stimulated which is huge.

Your work is not done when you place her. You'll merely have made a decision that's in her best interests. What could be more loving than that?

Your description of her behavior are all signs it’s time for placement. Her wandering makes her very vulnerable on many levels, especially leaving the house at night. My wife’s wandering (to the extent of involving the local police and fire dept) was a major issue for me along with medication management, her unpredictable behavior and my lack of sleep. I knew that I couldn’t properly care for her at home anymore.

As lealonnie posted don’t let the guilt of having to place your wife in MC delay your decision. I suspect you’re already feeling a sense of grief for anticipating your separation from her. This grief is a normal emotion. And after placement you’ll long to be with her and wonder if she’s being cared for with the compassion, love and care you gave her. But I suspect, like me, you’ll also feel a sense of relief, knowing she will be cared for and that you can take a breath. Don't think that by placing your wife in MC that you're no longer taking care of her. I assure you that by placing her in a care facility you ARE taking care of her as best you can.

Placing my wife in MC was emotionally the hardest thing I ever did, but there was no Plan B. And the word “hard” doesn’t begin to describe what you have to do for both her and your wellbeing. So take that deep breath and make the commitment to find her a caring MC facility. I wish you well.

Of course she would be better off where trained people take care of her! It’s beyond your expertise now, and she is at risk. Do it before something terrible happens to her. Good luck!