I find myself getting really angry at my mom, for whom I am the primary caregiver. Any strategies for keeping my cool?

Prozac is a wonderful drug or Xanax for all the anxiety.

yes, my mom had vascular or mixed dementia, and my whole world felt like it was turned upside down.............snf for useless rehab..........assisted living with an enhanced license................I wanted her home at first because I missed her, and later as her cognitive ability decreased, she needed so much help............bedridden, and incontinent.............I brought her home from the second snf.........home hospice...........I changed diapers, she needed help with all activities of daily living..............one night I just couldn't keep up with the diaper changing and trying to keep things clean............I really lost it, and called 911..............the social workers at the hospital and main attending were lousy.......my mom had c difficile...............it was awful.........she ended up in another snf, but as her first snf "rehab" used up all her medicare days for that benefit period, the second snf was private pay..........outrageous...........I brought her home and got a second hospice................I was sorry that I ever called 911 but what was I supposed to do?..............mom was defecating while I was changing diapers...........I just couldn't take it anymore............it would have been better to just walk away for awhile......try and calm down, and not call 911.........as most of the "help" was miserable to deal with............no compassion..........can you take a breather, and just walk away when you feel that you can't take any more at that moment..........calm yourself down.........come back and have a recharged battery?..........support groups or a therapist that you can talk to for your own sanity...........I truly felt that I was going nuts, and my health deteriorated..........depressed, weight loss, body aches, sores in my mouth, I even developed a bad dental infection, as I cancelled my six month check up, as I was just too depressed...........ended up having to see an oral surgeon and having two teeth pulled............you have to think of taking care of YOU, or you won't be able to deal with it all............I was neglecting my dog and cat and postponing trips to the vet............I just couldn't do it all.......ended up my cat had a life threatening illness, and poor prognosis, even with treatment.............you just can't be everywhere and everything to everybody, so awful that your health is in jeopardy...............walk away...........learn about diaphragmatic breathing to try to calm down.........my therapist said splash cold water on your face, or hold an ice cube wrapped in a towel..........

It will only get worse unless she has dementia … when it will be very difficult and then less so. I would try to put her in facility… had this with my mother and mother-in-law…. Very challenging.
suggest therapist & perhaps medical intervention…. Good to catch it before things become impossible. There are mild medications that help. If you can find someone who specializes in geriatric medicine … that would be great!

Tynagh,
The caregiver burn out, lost of self and exhaustion will destroy you way before the guilt will! Let guilt have it's place and do what you need to do. You are very important and your peace of mind is precious, please don't lose yourself in this!
I have come to the realization that it's just a matter of time before I'll have to put my mom in assisted living/memory care facility. No matter how terrible I'm going to feel about it, I know that I can't continue to do this much longer.

I came across this story which is a reminder that WE must get help. NONE of us can do this alone. https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/murder-case-glimpse-stress-caretaking-flna1c9450262

Try to go to another part of the house and try to calm down and find a way to vent and blow steam off.

That's what I've had to do with my mom pretty often.

My suggestion would to join a Caretakers group ASAP . The first thing I learned was that I was not alone with my feelings ..The second was that I was human .. Third was that there is help out there and I would have to look for it . Next and probably most important was that my loved one had a broken brain . When I stopped taking everything personally, and truly believed that my loved one was not doing the things he was doing on purpose, helped a lot . It took time , quite a lot of time. Also putting my self in his position helped me think about how I would act if my reality was as broken as his. She CAN NOT a change. The only thing that can change is how you react to what is going on ..I find as he gets worse , the atmosphere at home is getting better . I attribute that to what I have learned in the last 2 1/2 years . My prayers are with you ..

Consider adult day care as an option while you are working and for 1-2 hours after you work so you can have "alone time".

Do you have respite care in place so you can get out and take a break, do some shopping, meet a friend for lunch? It saved my life when I cared for my dad. The respite care workers also did some housekeeping which was helpful. I got help from an agency called Seniors with Disabilities in my state which helped pay for the respite care, paid for counseling for me with a counselor of my choice, paid for a certain amount of medical equipment per year (I got a camera to keep an eye on my dad while I was out in the yard or something) and they offered classes in coping strategies for caregivers. Also I think you need to practice saying things like “ we can have this conversation another time” and leave the room to take a break. You must also remember if she’s got dementia that it’s all part of how the brain works when it beginning to fail. Do not take anything personally even if it’s hard not to from a parent.

Tynagh: Imho, although you state that you can't move your mother into a care facility "yet," the word must be amended to "now." You must ask yourself - which is the correct decision - you "exploding" if things remain status quo or setting up mom in a managed care facility as you've apparently considered it? Good grief, if you lose your temper it is liable to affect your health. Don't let it.

Hi Tynagh. All of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that you're experiencing are very typical for caregivers in any capacity, whether it be a family member or not. When I became my mother's caregiver, I quickly realized it was the hardest job I'd had up until that point. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at the young age of 61, and passed away at 63. She had a type that is very rapid, so it was something new every day with her decline. Since I worked in a nursing home many yrs prior to that, I swore I'd never do that to her, and I'm not suggesting that you should because that's only a decision you and her doctor should make together. After three years, I was exhausted in every way possible, and her dr asked me one day if I would feel more guilty if I fell asleep from exhaustion and woke up to find that she had wandered off and got lost or hit by a car. I think it's easier to have a different perspective on things when you are on the outside looking in and not involved. I finally did have her placed in a nursing facility, and I was there every day for as many hours as I could be. Please remember that everything you feel is normal as much as I don't like that word, but if you make any changes at all, I hope that you remember to take care of you too. We can't pour from an empty cup, and you need rest and free time to take care of yourself in order to give her the best care you can while you are her caregiver. Spending that much time with her has to be so very hard, but please don't be so hard on yourself. Just keep in mind that she is essentially returning to her childhood, and that she's not the same as the person you've always known prior to this. I've heard dozens of ppl talk about how their parents/patients become dramatic and depressed, and I think we'd be more surprised if they didn't considering how they must feel to be in the shape they are in. Take walks, baths, deep breaths, and know that you will never regret taking care of your mom. Whether she admits it or not, I'm sure she is very grateful for you, and it really is easiest to lash out at the people closest to us. Do you have any respite options that would give you much needed breaks? If you do choose to place her, you can visit as often as you like. I used to go to where my mom was at night sometimes and crawl right up in bed with her and cuddle her while she slept. There aren't any magic words or answers, but as long as you are doing your best at taking care of you so that you can provide the best care for her, then you are doing an amazing job. Just try to find the humor if you can too...that helped me more than anything. It's nothing to laugh about, but I never argued with my mom, I'd just go along with whatever she said and that also helped a lot. Maybe every time you feel like you're losing your cool, step back and think of something that you're grateful for...no matter how big or small, and try to find humor in some of what might feel like the worst situations. Finally, I always tried to put myself in my mom's place back then, and I'd try to care for her like she used to care for me, and also how I would like to be treated by anyone if I was in her position. Best of luck to you, I hope that you find the answers you're looking for, and you and your mom will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm not even my mother's primary care giver as she's in assisted living and I'm getting burn out. She calls me all the time and demands this or that. Also second guesses everything and constantly reminds me of things. I have started telling her she's stressing me out but not sure she even understands. I was hoping that the last few years could be pleasant but doesn't look like it's going to be. All our conversations are about what's wrong and what we can bring her. She's 93 and I thought she was mentally ok with little dementia...but she may be starting to have some. I'm really sad that we can't talk and I just end up getting angry too.

The guilt will destroy you or the physical and mental work will destroy you.

You need to decide which choice is the lesser of the evils.

Regardless I would start researching and planning care options. It can be a lengthy, complicated, expensive process. When you are ready you may not be able to find a place that meets your circumstances.

In my mothers case(she died in October 2021.) we could not find placement. There were complicated trust, POA, bank, doctor and financial issues. After months and months of work we finally resolved most of the roadblocks. BUT no facility was accepting patients due to Covid. We ended up with 24 hour care at her home to the tune of $25 per hour. This came to about $18,000 per month which I was paying for because she ran out of money and we couldn’t access her IRA. The IRA funds kept her from qualifying for her state Medicade.

so you see how complicated it can all get so start planning now.

I don’t have any suggestions on how to keep your cool because I was going out of my mind trying to keep up with all the work. I tried to keep her with us after we found she had massive bed bug infestation. It did not work out. That’s when I took her home and hired the 24 hour care.

Good luck.

I take care of my mother, I live in her basement, and I am retired. I had no answers to the same question, so it simmered until I lost it. She ask me what I wanted her to do over a heated conversation, and the crap just fell out of my mouth about just taking me out of my misery by shooting me in the head. NOT a good response at all!!! I know it hurt her terribly. I then realized it was time that I needed to get out of the situation. So I called my daughter and told her I was in need. It was embarrasing to do so, but I knew I was suffering from burn out after three years, and I was scared for myself. I left the next day, and went to a friends house who I stayed with for 2 days. I know this isn't a full time answer, but it was what was needed for that day. I am going to see a psyciatrist to get help with my emotions. Someone who isn't emotionally involved that can help me help myself. My mother was just placed in hospice in-home care, and I think it was just all overwhelming me. I will never put my mom in a nursing home. I promised her that, but now I realize that to do that, I need to take care of myself too, even if just for a couple days. I hope you find support, and take care of you, so that you can take care of her. God bless you and your momma.

You “just can't move her into a care facility yet because the guilt would literally destroy me”. It might help to write down in detail (at least half a page) just how this ‘destruction’ might play out. Then have a look at it, and work out how you could cope with all the steps. Stop telling yourself that there is nothing you can do about it.

Sounds like you need more time off.
Increase caregiver hours / days.
De-mesh yourself. This isn't cemented. It is just like molasses and a sticky situation. Although YOU can take steps to support your needs for respite, relaxation, stress-relief, even FUN. You are taking a first step by writing here.
KEEPING YOUR COOL
* Try role playing with a family member or friend. Create situations that may happen or have happened and be present with your feelings and feel / know you have options to re-dress how you feel (by talking to yourself; visualizing your special enjoyable place - be it inside yourself or outside in the world)
* The more you can prepare ahead of time to anticipate what might occur, the more you can re-program yourself with OPTIONS in how to respond.
- It could be as simple as leaving the situation for a minute or 5 minutes to regroup.
- Try reflective listening. Rephrase what your mom says to you back to her.
* Never ever engage in any communication which might create an argument - as she is 'just waiting in the wings' (perhaps) ready to respond, to vent her own frustration of being dependent, perhaps in pain, reacting to meds and/or dementia.
* Wear a rubber band on your wrist and snap it when you feel you are about to go over the edge and say something or respond in negative ways - to her or yourself. The snapping will help you re inner messaging "I need to calm down, take a breath or 10, leave for a moment. Get a cup of xxx and sit and watch the birds (or flowers) - somehow RESET. When you give yourself the permission to reset / shift from a place you are in (mentally / psychologically), it is almost (at times...) automatic shifting. The key is to interrupt the automatic behavior - that you likely have been doing for a very long time. Again, de-enmesh yourself. This is very unhealthy for both of you. Gena

I am having the same problem with my spouse. O just have to act like I don't hear him alot.

I feel and relate. I often say to myself - why she she say these things? I also counterbalance by asking myself (in those moments you mention) - she does not want to be like this!!

It's not excusing her behavior, but I remain calm and firm when I need to course correct things!

Please set an appointment with a Geriatric Psychiatrist who can help you understand the predicament you've found yourself in. Guilt does not equal love. You have choices to make........................learn more about yourself and then set upon your path.

You say, " I just can't move her into a care facility yet because the guilt would literally destroy me."

Here's my question to you: What's destroying you MORE? The guilt you may feel if you place her in a very nice AL, or, the behavior you're displaying now because you're stressed out to the max by a woman who's purposely pushing your buttons in an effort TO elicit a negative reaction?

Read that question several times and then answer it honestly.

My mother knew precisely how to push my buttons b/c she installed them. We could NEVER live together b/c we would be at one another's throats 24/7. I knew that, so I vowed to never take her in to live with me.

Mom treated dad like crap all the time; said mean & nasty things to him and yelled a lot too. When he finally died and was lying on the gurney and the mortuary was there to take his body away, my mother finally cried. You know what she said? "I wasn't very nice to him all those years, was I?" I blinked. I was shocked. SHE said THAT? What? I was tongue tied. Yes mom, you wretched wretched person; you treated him for 68 years and now he's dead. But what came out of my mouth was, "No mom, you loved and cared for him for 68 years and you were a good wife."

Here's my point: get your mother placed so you don't wind up saying what my mother said to me after dad died. "I wasn't so nice to her all those years, was I?" That's WORSE than placement any day.

My parents lived in the lap of luxury in AL for a number of years and were quite happy, socializing and eating 3 meals a day in the dining room, dancing in the lounge to live music and going on trips to plays and such with the mini bus. AL is not the house of horrors some make it out to be. Quite the opposite actually.

You won't stop losing your cool b/c you've had enough. Your body is responding to too much stress for too long. Listen to it.

LOOVVVEE "Burnt Caregiver's" responses. I will support my Mom (2 hrs away) in ways that are healthy. You did not mention if your Mom has mental illnesses or Dementia? Mine is NPD (wrote the book), Borderline! + Early Dementia. Was a heavy 10 yrs Alcoholic + Manic. I suffered so much emotional abuse at her hands. Some light physical (nails being dug into both arms as a kid--went to school with 10 bruises on my arms where she dug in), ruined my wedding, couldn't have her meet my Daughter until she was 5 mos old.. I have been crapped on enough in my lifetime. I am only one for her now until she gets weaker and more dependent and we can bring in Caregiver.. I will not lay down and die for her but I will be there 2-3 x's monthly for 4 hrs to support. She is nasty & a hoarder. YOUR life is meant to be LIVED. Give rationally + reasonably.. Not until it sucked the life out of you! Release the guilt! : "Why must so many of us sacrifice year after year of our own lives in miserable servitude to needy parents then chastize ourselves if we didn't maintain saintly patience with them 24/7? Or we have to be riddled with guilt because we didn't smile enough when the elder made a demand or when we're being abused?
My friend, I had an epiphany. One day I too am going to die. So is everyone else. The abusive elder spreading their misery and negativity around like a plague doesn't care if they ruin lives so long as they get what they need or want. Eventhough the people whose lives they're ruining will be gone for good some day.
If they don't feel a moment of guilt or remorse, why should we?
Bring in some outside caregiving help. If your mother doesn't like it, too bad. She'll get used to it."

You describe is almost the exact situation of one of my younger sisters. Until very recently, she lived with our mom, It was mutually beneficial and also contentious. My mom couldn't live alone after a bad temporal lobe seizure, and my sister cannot financially afford to live on her own. The two have had a difficult relationship for all of my sister's life (I have no idea why), but it was much worse after the seizure. Our family should have urged our mom to move to assisted living much sooner (she is there now), and my little sister said she'd feel to guilty doing that. I know our mom was depressed even though she denied it. She was at times downright cruel to my sister, paranoid, with anger that was often out of proportion to the circumstances. She would criticize and complain to me about my sister who cared for her. At times, I couldn't stand listening to it, and my mom and I would have harsh words. A couple times I made my mom cry when asked why she didn't like my sister (she always said she loved her, then I would say you can love someone and not like them. That's when she cried). I felt like crap after. We encouraged her to talk to a psychologist, which she did for a little bit, and it seemed to help, until she decided she didn't want to do it anymore. Mom was argumentative and contrary and even though I love her with all my heart, there were times when I wanted to run away. Me and one of my other four sisters and two brothers also helped with her care quite a lot. Ok, sorry for the long intro. What I really want to say is be gentle with yourself. Care giving is hard when the person is easy to get along with, and when the person isn't, and they fight you all the way, it can feel impossible. In retrospect, I wish I had spent more time listening carefully, less time feeling angry and hurt. My mom was scared and lonely in her declining health and loss of independence. Now, I don't usually respond when she complains and criticizes (It still hurts). I just hug her and say; "I know mom. That must be really hard and frustrating." it runs it's course quickly most of the time, and she feels safer knowing we all understand it's lonely being old and sick.

I lost my mom last week. She died at home… her wishes. She also lived with me 23 years before her death. I have experienced every feeling you have, plus many more. It took me a long time to accept that I was still her little girl. I raised 3 children and was a happy wife and mother. It was hard to adjust to the fact we were both strong, independent women that were moms. Neither one of us was willing to be the daughter. I know how hard it is, and have to admit we had more than our fair share of arguments. There’s nothing wrong with that! I cared for her with love and respect. During her last weeks, I let her hold me, and we constantly told each other how much we loved each other. This may not be as help as I wanted, but please know getting frustrated is happening on both sides. Sometimes clearing the air is the best thing for your relationship. Mom was 98, and I can honestly say there was no regrets on either side. God bless you, and help you to find peace.

it is my belief that you need to see a therapist and that your mother needs to be evaluated for depression and anxiety. seriously. i suspect you know this...find someone kind. Celexa (sp?) by the way, helps elderly folks enormously. well researched medication. good luck~!

You are totally burnt out. That's why you have such a short fuse. It is never ending, and her second guessing you doesnt help. Is there a way to get more help in? You need a buffer in between. Or get respite care and take a vacation. That could be half a day or 1 day. I know that probably sounds like a unobtainable pipe dream, but you need time and distance to recoup. You need it because you are burnt out. Even a pedicure just to get out of the house. I went and had one just for the massage chair. How about an hour for that. It's like a mini mental vacation. Even if you roll your eyes and say that's not me, you need to get out of your caretaker cage. Do something different. It's to take your mind off of things. Don't look at it like a luxury, but a necessity.
You need more social outlets, even if it's just coffee. You resent being trapped with very little life. And rightly so. I get it. Its extremely hard. It is very hard dealing with this. I get it.
Have you gotten help for her depression and anxiety? Maybe it is time. It will make her more comfortable and you not so stressed. And you won't be answering non stop questions. Could it be from ger being anxious? Sounds like it.
I would also disengage with her. If she is asking non stop questions, or whatever she does to second guess you there is a big problem. Answer her question 1 time amd say your done going round and round. You are not her servant. A caretaker and servant are 2 different things. It's going to take discipline to stop answering and engaging in the non stop 2nd guessing. I think that is anxiety.
I would get her depression and anxiety checked out by a geriatric doctor or better yet a psychiatrist. It is changes in the brain. She should be able to relax, and stop 2nd guessing everything, and you need to disengage with that.
It is time to get help and there is nothing wrong with that. You cannot do it all. You can always come here and vent too. Good luck.

I used to get mad at my wife until she was diagnosed with dementia. Now I realize nothing was her fault and the problem was with me. While I can get frustrated from time to time there is no reason to get mad. The beauty with dementia is give it a few minutes and they will forget what the problem was.

If you have read some of the previous posts, you will see that MANY of us struggle with anger. The only thing you can do is vent.

Also try joining the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. You can vent there without judgment:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share

I have found that a number of people I know are also caring for 90+ yr old parents. One in particular has become a close friend and we vent to each other pretty much daily. My mother has also met her and sometimes my mother will listen to my friend when she backs me up better than she listens to me. My friend can talk with my mother without the emotional complications of being family. We both have counselors as well and they do help but in a different way. My friend needs to talk daily or several times a day to vent about her elderly relatives and issues she is having. Her relatives are in situations where I have never met them and they aren’t as socially oriented as my mother so I can’t help her the way she helps me, but she needs to talk more than I do. Our needs are different but the support we give each other is vital for our ability to remain calm and work through issues. When our relatives complain about what we are doing unfairly we can also reassure each other that their criticism is not valid.
We met while walking and I have met a number of other people while walking who are in the same boat. My new neighbor is going through it as well so you are definitely not alone!

Sometimes I'd get annoyed with my mom when she had Alzheimer's when she lived with Hubby and me. When she'd insult me, (over nothing), which she never did before, I had to remind myself that it was the disease talking, and not her. I never expected my bright, articulate mom to get Alzheimer's, and I never thought our lives would be upended by it, but I had to remember that neither did she, on either count. I tried to find a sense of humor about things when I could. For example, when my mom wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for a job (accounting) in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the street of NY, if you know what I mean", I knew I had to write down the funny (and sometimes not-so funny) things that happened during this time. I even compiled these into a book about our trials and travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (They were each diagnosed with their respective health issues around the same time.) Sometimes writing helps, even if it doesn't result in a book. I found writing to be cathartic. I just tried to find some positive things about the situation. Best of luck.

I hired someone from the local church to come and sit with my dad; basically keep an eye on him. I told him she was a friend of mine and sometimes come over to wait on me to get off from work, and enjoyed his company. That way, he was pretty much talked out by the time I got there.
It's a thought. Being a caregiver to a parent is an emotion roller coaster as well as physical. My Daddy has been gone for 4 years now and I look back at some of my regrets and wish I didn't have them.
It's worth the money, believe me! She was a retired lady who loved the elderly. It was aa win / win!

Seek therapy for yourself as a caregiver so that you can learn to set boundaries and not be so emeshed, as you put it. You want to be in a postition to help her without being bossy and without losing your own sense of self and your own right to have a life. Have you taken a vacation or even breaks and evenings or weekend days out for yourself? If you contact a local social worker, they may be able to give you names and advice. She may be eligible for aides and programs (such as senior day care) that you are not aware of. It's not easy being a caregiver, and not easy for a grown person to live with your mom. Get as much assistance as you can with aides who will take over some of the burden of caregiving. You are doing something wonderful by taking responsibility for your mother and wanting her to have a good life. Try to channel your love for her so that you can maintain a positive attitude. Don't let her negativity bring you down. Therapy can really help you learn to cope with this difficult situation. All the best to you both.