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I'll spare you the "forgiveness" speech, as it never worked for me and therefore I don't recommend it to people used and abused by their parents throughout their childhood and beyond. Try, however, to find some compassion by convincing yourself she did the best she could with what she had.
It's your home, so set boundaries and enforce them consistently to keep from being disrespected and revisiting old wounds that you've had to live with.
Wish you the best my friend, and let us know how it goes.
-- ED
All of us can look back at situations and NOW we realize we could have done better but WE did the best WE could with the knowledge and resources WE had at that time in OUR life.
It's the "woulda... coulda... shoulda... syndrome".
Little known facts surrounding your mothers behavior when she was young and why bother going back to those bad times, unless you want to keep feeling bad and sad.
Write a letter about how you feel, read it, place in can, burn it and bury it. You will feel better.
The poor me syndrome gets old, we've all had bad times, some worse than others, it is your choice and you can not do anything about it now.
We can't move forward while looking back.
I would keep your visits short maybe 10-15 min., don't talk about things of the past or get into victim conversations.
Take a puzzle or game that can be completed easily and talk about it.
Maybe some day you may become her friend... she needs a friend not a judge.
I agree with 'edvierajr'-ED. Own your adulthood,don't respond to what you know are old ways your parent has treated you or how you have responded. Sometimes it's easy to fall for the parlor tricks and get sucked in by a controlling person. You control you. Ghandi once said "No one can hurt me without my permission". You're in my prayers. --new
Best to all,
Hap
Arelys
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