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Best to all,
Hap
If you are starting out with this disease, know that you will be giving up many years, 6,7 ,8 or more so it should be a fair arrangement for both you and your sick parent. I regret that I let my Mom's illness take over all of my time. So stay strong and get any help you can. you deserve it. we all do.
I think Ed has a great handle on it. I'll add two things.
1) As hard as it almost always is to even think about, much less internally activate... foremost is forgiveness. That, because the brain keeps within our subconscious every single happening, thought, et al we've ever, ever throughout our entire lives experienced. The slightest related thing will prompt not necessarily the particular incident, but a feeling of overall ill remembrances of a similar type. And then it brings forth an expansion into other arenas of ill remembrances. It's unfortunate, but that's just the way it is. The only way to deactivate the remembrance of ills is to release those ills from your internal being. As difficult, and surely in many ways as unfair as it might seem to be, (why should I forgive - they wronged me!!!) the only way to wholly release... is to forgive. That doesn't mean you will no longer remember the ills, but the current remembrance of those ills will surely have less impact upon you.
2) The best way to forgive is to two fold, a) review the ills we've caused in our own lives realizing that some ills we've caused were rooted in our own malice toward others, but hopefully, most were simply a result of mistakes occurring when 'we did the best we could with what we had'. b) Inasmuch as our parent(s) lived under the same two 'causes', (plus - who knows the particulars of their own childhood) how foolish am I to keep them and their ills within my heart and spirit... allowing them to hurt me... when I can release them? After all, look at the ills and mistakes I've caused. Perhaps in many ways and toward many people then, I'm as ill thought of by those I've hurt as I now think of my parents... i.e. I'm just as 'bad' as they??? Do those I've previously hurt, today also emotionally hurt themselves today because of the ills I've caused them?
The whole thing is not worth the inner turmoil we put upon ourselves. Maybe we haven't done the same things to others that our parents have done to or not done for us, but it doesn't matter. Forgiveness of and for all is indeed the key toward releasing all that crud. From personal experience, I've lived it. I know.
Proceed accordingly... but yes, it is indeed a hard nut to crack.
Good luck,
V
Arelys
I agree with 'edvierajr'-ED. Own your adulthood,don't respond to what you know are old ways your parent has treated you or how you have responded. Sometimes it's easy to fall for the parlor tricks and get sucked in by a controlling person. You control you. Ghandi once said "No one can hurt me without my permission". You're in my prayers. --new
All of us can look back at situations and NOW we realize we could have done better but WE did the best WE could with the knowledge and resources WE had at that time in OUR life.
It's the "woulda... coulda... shoulda... syndrome".
Little known facts surrounding your mothers behavior when she was young and why bother going back to those bad times, unless you want to keep feeling bad and sad.
Write a letter about how you feel, read it, place in can, burn it and bury it. You will feel better.
The poor me syndrome gets old, we've all had bad times, some worse than others, it is your choice and you can not do anything about it now.
We can't move forward while looking back.
I would keep your visits short maybe 10-15 min., don't talk about things of the past or get into victim conversations.
Take a puzzle or game that can be completed easily and talk about it.
Maybe some day you may become her friend... she needs a friend not a judge.
I'll spare you the "forgiveness" speech, as it never worked for me and therefore I don't recommend it to people used and abused by their parents throughout their childhood and beyond. Try, however, to find some compassion by convincing yourself she did the best she could with what she had.
It's your home, so set boundaries and enforce them consistently to keep from being disrespected and revisiting old wounds that you've had to live with.
Wish you the best my friend, and let us know how it goes.
-- ED