How do you get over the trauma of watching someone when they die?

I understand you 100% . Very similar thing happened to me. I am using the services of hospice to try to get over this. I wish you all the luck in the world.

I was told by the hospice nurse when my Dad was there for one week that some family members choose not to be there when their loved one passes. They simply are just "run down" as they say and cannot bear to watch them die. That alone made me feel okay. When my Dad reached a certain stage, I began to back off a little due to anxiety attacks. I saw that Dad was sedated with morphine and he did not squeeze my hand nor did he look at me. He was definitely kept comfortable. I came home but a relative sat with him overnight at hospice and the next morning the nurse called to say he only had a very short time. I got dressed and left for hospice with a horrible dread! My Dad passed away while I was on my way there. His minister was there with him even though Dad was not with it at all. I did not want to see my Dad die. I am glad I did not put myself through that now. It was alright since we could not talk anyway and he was sedated. Many people make this choice. Don't feel that you HAVE to be there. You have to take care of yourself too. By the way, my mother is in assisted living now due to her condition. She finally spent her money down on home caregivers and she was in very bad shape plus she lost her eyesight on top of everything else (dementia). I go to sit and visit with my mother but I have backed off a little on that. I ended up in the cardiologist's office and it was due to stress. I was told by the doctor and my friends to take care of myself too and just be sure Mom is being taken care of properly. Give yourself a break and don't feel badly at all if you decide not to be there when your Mom passes. We all have our limitations.

You have my empathy for what you have gone threw,but your anxiety is because you don't understand Gods word our peace comes from knowing him.Death is part of life we don't want to deal with but we all have to face.I have just said good bye for now to my sister died a week ago it was peaceful because she was a Christian I have also had to watch a son die it was peaceful why?Because you have to have a personal relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ that is the only way you can handle all these deaths

The thing with the catholic church. A priest gave me grief after my dad wasn't taken to a catholic hospital after a heart attack. Never mind a more skilled facility was closer. A choice wasn't optional.

It is currently “fashionable” in our geographic area to ubiquitously include the statement “.......died at home, surrounded by dearly loved family and friends.....etc. “
My mother was a fiercely private, self contained woman who would have been horrified to have had a crew of people milling around her when she was departing.

I too will prefer to make my personal decisions about such matters when and if I become aware that it’s time for such decisions to be made.

The idea that anyone, family, funeral home personnel, medical personnel, social service personnel ET AL, should attempt to direct such personal and private arrangements is much more unpleasant to me than the actual time of departure.

I do not choose to be present at the death of even very cherished loved ones except when specifically requested to be. My family members know that I do not expect them to be clustering around my bedside either.

WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT, and our human frailties and peculiarities deserve to be respected.

4 years on now, we had a family gathering yesterday, my brothers wife brought her boyfriend with her and it's OK. I have let go of everything negative associated with the experience of my brothers death. If you read my earlier post, some of my brothers possessions that were given to me were his tools. I used them all the time and I always think of him when I do. One day at a time, one moment at a time, do the right thing and you won't have to second guess anything.

I was not there when either of my parents passed away. When my dad died, he was on his way in an ambulance while I was on my way. He finally died in emergency a short time later.

My mom died in the nursing home I had placed her in 10 days earlier. I was in a coffee shop that morning and something kept pulling at me to get home. When I finally got back, the phone rang and a nurse said my mom wasn't doing so well and when I got there, she was gone.

With my dad, circumstances prevented me from being there. With my mom, it may have been almost deliberate.

Either way, it was probably a coward's way out. Looking back, I don't really care. Gone is gone. I won't guilt myself to death over it.

Masonic,
My very religious Catholic relatives have had a much harder time dealing with my mother's death (a month ago) than I have. There's no absolute truth or right way. No one should preach here. We don't all believe there is a god, and that's a right just as it is to believe in one. 

You don’t get over it but with each day it gets easier. But having faith in the Lord and believing his word gives you the peace . The Bible says absent from the body is to be present with the Lord we all will pass this way but the difference is having God in your life with him you can handle all of this

My freind Brian 75 yrs old very healthy and has recently survived a fall down the stairs and has survived a hip injury but almost 2 hours ago ,y mother was at his house ( she and him always talk since he lives alone and calls himself a hermit) but I was at home and all of a sudden I hear a fire and and ambulance outside and I see them heading over to Brian’s house and I go inside and I see him laying on the floor with blood everywhere on the floor of the basement and his eyes squinting and my mom kneeling holding his hand and crying I am only 14 and I just stopped and I sent downstairs and saw my friend Brian on the floor he was breathing and staring at us and thank the lord Jesus Christ he was at least conscious i was helping clean us his blood and they said he had a 3inch cut in his head I don’t know what to do I tried praying but I was just so Stiff and i am still in shock and I’m worried my neighbor won’t make it. I can’t sleep right now I feel so worried I’m shaking and thinking scenerios in my head about what could happen and what Happened wrong , he is a great friend of mine he takes my family out to dinner and he calls my sister his little princess and he loves us. Please pray for my friend Brian and god bless you

I witnessed my baby brother dying. He had had liver cirrhosis and had just come back from the hospital. In the middle of the night, my bigger sister woke me and told me that something was wrong with him. My mummy and daddy were holding him, calling out his name. He was first responding, but later he just stopped, like he fell asleep.
It was pretty traumatising, but yet I am grateful I was there with him when all the pain he was experiencing from the sickness left him.
I'm Christian, so I believe it was God who took him away quietly. Obviously we did not want to let him go, but we had no choice. He was sick and he needed relief.
You will get over the trauma with time. It will later just become a memory that you can live with.
Stay strong. Things like this happen every single day. And smile too. Talk about the incident to your friends and remaining family, nature's audience for you.

When you are so close to death it takes a terrible toll on you. I do believe in God but as a friend of mine says, when we get up there, God's got a lot of explainin' to do.

Perhaps if you look into people's experiences with near death experiences you will find that although the final hours may look bad to you the one who is nearing death is actually experiencing a blissful state usually. Also read up on the stages of dying and how much Hospice and medication helps to make the experience much easier. And there are support groups for survivors. We really do not talk enough about death in USA.

Dear upallnight. I am so sorry your husband had such a horrible death. Anything that involved the lungs is very difficult to control. and very hard to watch. The secretions are horrible and unfortunately there is little that can be done to relieve them.. In the hospital the nurses are only allowed to give the amount ordered on the patient's chart and not being experienced in end of life care are afraid to ask for more medication. Hospice nurses have more discretion in the amount they can use because a range of doses is usually prescribed so within limits the RN can increase the dose if necessary and Hospice MDs understand there is often a need for doses that are higher than usually used. Many people disagree with this policy but if they had witnessed your husbands final hours they would change their minds. You and your family were totally unprepared for what you had to witness but don't forget the comfort you gave your husband during his final hours Even though you could not be there at the very end that may have been what he would have wanted given his distress. Many loved ones don't want their family to witness the actual death

How awful! No one should have to suffer like that. I guess my husband was lucky to have cancer. Morphine is readily available for that, and he had it in the hospital. I am sorry for your loss, and for the trauma.

It's never going to be easy.

1. The anxiety maybe due to the realization that your mortality is becoming closer. I know I get them thinking about my Mom (86).

The age spread seemed so wide until I hit 60!

2. Talk with a therapist or your minister/priest

3. You do not have to go through this alone. There are sources who can help you through this

4. Speak with people who have/are going through this to help you and discuss how they're managing

5. This is something our ancestors had to deal with and we all have to experience. Some have more than others.

Find the help you to get through this.

Upallnight,
My sincerest condolences on the passing of your husband. My heart goes out to you with what he had to suffer and what you had to witness.

We have had many discussions on this board about hospice. I am a part time hospice nurse.
Some posters are against the idea but, tragically, your poor spouse probably could have been helped with his breathing by hospice.

Thank you for sharing your story.

May God's love surround you and your children as you struggle through this hard time.

Dear upallnight,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. I'm so sorry to read what you, your daughter and son had to witness. It wasn't right. I know we all want our loved ones to pass as peacefully as possible. You did the best you could for your beloved husband. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

Up, im so sorry for the loss of your dear one in such a traumatic way.

When my brother, who had POA didn't want to put mom on hospice when she was fist eligible ( 2 years before she died), I was assured that there was a standing order for morphine when she needed it for pain relief.

Fast forward 2 years, mom with dementia, chef, pleural effusion, falls in my, breaks wrist, smashed face, goes to Dr, develops pneumonia , looks like she is in horrific pain. Doubling her Tramadol offers no relief. I mention morphine and I'm told we have to call hospice.

As health POA, I was able to request hospice eval. Texted POA brother and told, you need to sign this. Right now. He did.

My husband died the first week in January. The ICU people assured he would be comfortable after we removed his breathing tube. They said they could do everything hospice could. Well......It was a horrible 10 hours watching my loved one gasp and smother. They gave him as much as they legally could but it only lasted 15 to 20 minutes. They there he would go again. It was horrid to watch. First my son had to leave( had been up 24 hrs) Had to ask my grown daughter to leave and go home because she was so distraught. Thought I could handle it but was I wrong. I had to leave two hours before he died dry heaving all the way home. I was getting the flu and did not know it. They called me and said to come back it was time. I said I'm sick and cannot drive. I did go back after a nap ( that's how tired and sick I was) to see him and felt so guilty. A minister had to come with me. I was mad because they said he would be comfortable and he was not. If I had to leave one word of advise for anyone Get Hospice! He needed them and we needed them. He died from septic pneumonia (MRSA)

The comfort of knowing that your loved one knew they did not die alone. Remember God never gives you more than you can handle and sometimes, for this reason, the question of your existence is answered.

Adfiewrain... You hit the nail on the head. Being with a Born Again Christian when they die can be the best blessing you will ever experience. It I'd totally different from watching a non Christian die. We know where they are

Dear addiewrain55,

I am so sorry for your loss and for your distress. I hear you. My Mom passed away November 7, and I was with her when she passed. I learned that death is not pretty. I, too, am having more anxiety about this than expected. I have no answers. But I will say that it comforts me to know that Mom did not die alone or with strangers. She had someone she loved holding her hand. I pray that your act of kindness to your dad will be a comfort to you as well.

My mom is one of many family members and friends I have helped care for in their last months of life. We have one more elderly uncle who is beginning to have serious health problems at 89, and he has no children, so we will be caring for him as well. Sometimes I feel as though I'm drowning in other people's needs. But, I'm beginning to think that being a caregiver is something we don't choose; instead, it is a part of who we are. Our conscience will not let us walk away from someone we love who is in need. Maybe we should feel good about ourselves for being someone others can count on.

May God bless you for your many sacrifices for those you love!

Careisgiving,
He IS with you. Every time you see his picture, everytime you say a phrase he used, everytime you see a shirt like he'd wear or smell a soap or cologne he used, your dad is with you.

This has taken me a long time to recognize. You can feel their presence when you're thinking of them, usually in a quiet moment.
Then I smile and feel a "celestial" hug because I know he's there, just not like he used to be.

I, along with all 5 of my siblings, were all present when we lost both of our parents, and like you Shane, found it to be a Devine experience, thankfully both were peaceful deaths, and brought us all closer (if that is even possible) together.

I am lucky in that we are all close and each of us took such active roles in caring for them during their long and exhausting illnesses, so I am so proud of how we worked together to make their passing as comfortable and as loving as possible. Nonetheless, the death of a parent definitely changes you, and it has taken me as long time to get over losing them, both died 14 & 15 years ago now, and I still miss them desperately at times, we were so lucky to have such wonderful parents.

A few months ago, and after 13+ years of care of him in our home, my husband and I lost his Dad to lung Cancer, he was on Hospice and in our home from his diagnosis til his death, it was 9 of the hardest weeks of my life, both physically and emotionally, especially so because I was growing frustrated and resentful that my husband and I were in this alone, with no help from his Sister or Brother.

On the day that he died, he was so sick with sepsis, and had a fever, but he did not appear uncomfortable, just extremely hot to the touch, so I put cool cloths on him, gave him his usual pain medicine, and we both slipped out of his room, to make a quiet phone call to his Hospice Nurse, not wanting to speak in front of him. While discussing what to do about his fever, my husband noticed that it appeared he was no longer breathing, on the baby monitor. Not believing that this could be true, we had only just left him, both of us were scared for a minute to go back in there, but with the Nurse still on the phone with me, we went back in, and I confirmed that he had indeed passed in those minutes that we had stepped out.

All that time that we had been devoted to his care, especially those final few days, and he waited until We were out of the room to pass, I felt terrible about it, but I had read that patients often do wait, to pass, until they are alone, and this actually seemed appropriate to my FIL's character, to go quietly on his own.

I wished that I had spent less time worrying about how frustrated I felt that my husband's siblings not participating in their Dad's life and his care near the end, as I feel I was holding onto a lot of anger, as to why I was doing all the caring, while they appeared to care not all all. I just felt so bad for him, that he couldn't have All of his kids there like my own parents had, being there, loving him, and showing him how much they cared about him there in the end.

I do feel at peace with all of their passing (my MIL too), I know that we did everything possible to show our love to each of them to their last breath, I do feel bad that my in-laws only had their one Son, my husband and me with them there at the end. I don't think I can ever have a relationship with my BIL & SIL, as I hold onto so much resentment towards them, which has made it More difficult to let it go, and let me be at peace with his passing.

I am still finding it difficult and I I'm still uncomfortable that my FIL passed away in my home. Hopefully in time I will be able to put it past me. I don't know why, but that's still really hard for me.

My father expired ten years ago. Time does heal wounds but it also leaves a deep scar. He suffered horrifically from the complications of advanced cancer treatment. What actually took his life was sepsis from colitis that was due to medical neglect in a facility. He expired in our home under Hospice care. I watched him struggling to breathe as the sepsis was building up. I watched him pray. I watched him take his last breath. I never experienced the death of a family member or anyone, frankly, before this because I'm an only child and my parents were the only ones from a huge family on each side who immigrated from overseas. Logically, I know "death" happens but emotionally, I still can't process the fact that he is no longer physically on the planet and is just bones buried six feet underground.

My father was my hero, a Mr. Mom, actually. Because of our complicated family story, I was very, very close to my father. I was severely traumatized by the physical suffering of my father during his remission from cancer...it was bad...very bad what happened to him. However, after he expired, the added trauma of severe emotional loss from someone so close to me just made the trauma of the physical suffering even worse, if you know what I mean. Overall, both types of trauma actually caused me to dissociate from my Self. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was emotionally numb, and I still am and I've just learned to live with it. My brain shut down from the trauma. After my father expired, I had to jump in and assume full-time care for my mother. After she passes away is when I'll be ready to actually grieve for my father and also for my mother.

There's definitely a hole in my life after my father expired. The death of anyone close to you does change your life, forever. But your loved one would want you to go with your life and live it to the fullest. My father's experience made me a better person. I'm a big believer in things happening for a reason. He would want me to go for dreams and not be sad about him no longer physically being with me. Until I actually address what happened to him, the best way for me to deal with the trauma is to believe that he's here with me spiritually.

Interesting topic. I was terrified of being there for my mom's passing.

We brought hospice in after mom fell, broke her wrist, developed pneumonia and started refusing to get out of bed. The pneumonia and fracture were both treated, but mom seemed to be in some sort of intractable pain that even double doses of her usual tramadol were not relieving. We brought in hospice and they started her on a low dose of morphine which seemed to bring some relief. Her breathing changed, and she was gone. I don't think I would have believed it could be that gentle if I hadn't been there, which is why I'm grateful that I was, if that makes any sense.

DigitalBanker, I don't understand the significance of your post. It's never helpful to tell someone that other people have it worse. We are all entitled to our feelings. Dealing with death for doctors and funeral directors (who choose death as a business!) has absolutely nothing to do with when people lose loved ones.

Moving on, LBrook, Shane and Erin, I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I have never been with anyone when they died and I live in sheer terror of being there for my mother's death, whenever it happens. I am so scared of losing her in general that I think I would panic and try to revive her (though she is DNI/DNR). Even now, when she makes a weird noise or seems too still, I panic and say "Mom? Mom? Are you OK?"

Anyway, it will happen however it does, but if possible, I think I won't want to be there. As I said, I am wondering how/if I'll get over losing her, period.

For me, this is a complicated answer. A lot of how I feel about this topic has a great deal to do with my faith & recognizing this, not everyone may agree and of course that is fine.
I too have witnessed many deaths, being a RN for almost 40 years. You never “get used to it”. To me though, death and dying is very profound and spiritual. Every person whose death I witnessed each got the respect & dignity that they are entitled to.

Speaking to how I have coped with my loved ones passing is different.
I have had many aunts & uncles pass away through the years as my mom was one of 12 kids. And my dad passed when I was 7. He was in a VA hospital where they didn’t allow children to visit (1965), so the last I saw of him was him waving down from his room. But that was along time ago...

My mom passed in April 2013. I was with her at her nursing home. I spent the day holding her hand but she had had a stroke and didn’t recognize me or respond. She had the agonal breathing all that day, we knew she was dying.

I always thought I wanted to be there when my mom took her last breaths. My mom had no roommate at the time & the staff let me stay. I laid down & fell asleep.

At 3:05am I jolted awake. I did not hear that agonal breathing & I guess my brain was tuned in to that sound so much so that when it stopped, I awoke.
I looked over to my mom, and she was gone. She must have just passed.

I just sat with her for a bit, her & I, before I went out to the nurses station.

It took me years as I regretted not being awake for her leaving me. But then after reading many posts on this site, I realized that this final act was my mom protecting me from witnessing what she knew would be a devastating memory. I am grateful for it now.

That said, to me, death is a divine experience. After much suffering, there is a peace.

There is not much else you can do whether you witnessed the passing of someone you’ve loved so much for so long. I think that eventually you heal and the event and the trauma that accompanies it is something you accept because these things are not in our control. We can only do the best we can in that moment.

It’s very traumatic. It may linger with you for years. It may never go away as much as we want to compartmentalize it somewhere else.

Yes, you can say death is part of living, and I get that. Time will help.

And Elizabeth Koobler-Ross’ book “On Death & Dying” is a great resource to help you recognize and cope with the passing of your loved one.

Don’t be hard on yourself. Whatever happened was part of a plan that we humans had no part of. I personally think that you were a brave, loving & courageous person to have been there. I wish you peace. 

I had the privilege of caring for both of my parents through end of life due to them both having advanced cancer at the same time. Mom had lung cancer and dad had pancreatic. She went first, starting with seizures that lasted the better part of 13 hours. I had the job of injecting her sublingually with the Ativan/Morphine cocktail every 2 hours to keep her sedated and comfortable until she passed. A year or so later, when my dad started to fail, I was up with him all night in the hospital, holding his head and washing out his mouth when he was continually coughing up blood.

In both my mom and my dad's case, their last hours on earth were fairly violent events in which case, I was intimately involved. This was at the end of several years of intensive caregiving (they lived with me at the time). Not surprising, I developed some stress-related problems after their passing, possibly including PTSD. I had nightmares for awhile, and had difficulty sleeping for many months.

My experience was that watching someone die, especially someone to whom you are close and with whom you assist, is extremely difficult and an experience that will stay with you the rest of your life. This was over 2 years ago, and I will say that with time, the pain does lessen. I think the way I was able to get through was by acknowledging the magnitude of what I'd been exposed to, using the Hospice benefits for all they were worth, including family care counseling in both cases. It was very hard work! You really have to work at incorporating the techniques that the counselors suggested, and not just take a passive role. That, and time, were the best help.

Even though I can recall how difficult those times were and even see them in my mind's eye, I am no longer traumatized by the events and can more effectively see my role in helping them to the best of my ability to pass with some comfort, dignity and love and respect. For that, I will always be grateful for the experience.