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Best wishes,
Carol
I was with my mom and dad when they both died and it is a bear.
Personally, because everyone is different, what helped me cope was the fact that it was time for them to go. their poor bodies couldn't take any more and it was time for them to go home.
When my mom died almost a year ago now, I held her hands and looked into her beautiful blue eyes and was telling her to go and find daddy and that he was there waiting for her. It tore my guts out, make no mistake but the reality was that it was time for her to go. She was suffering and then she was free. She actually died with a little smile on her face. I will never forget it.
I agree with you that you can't continue to go through this. Carol has excellent advice in seeking a live support group and are you taking any meds for anxiety? I sure was and still am!! no guilt there! a panic attack is the worst and I was having them left and right and decided that this was no way to live especially since they have a nice med for it and you don't have to take it all the time, just when you need one. xanax works for me and talk to your doctor. If he/she doesn't see it your way, get another doctor. life's too short.
Say what you have to say to your mom, all the things.... you know what I mean, you love her and you wish she would love forever and the 2 of you could go on and on, but that you'll be ok and you will see her again in the blink of an eye.
Now here's a trick that you may be able to use:
EVERY time you have anegative thought and I mean EVERY time, you redirect yourself with a differt positive thought. For me it was a boat. I trained myself to think of a beautiful boat every time I thought of something awful like my daddy's death or mom being so sick, etc.
You can actually create a new habit for yourself in 21 days. It takes 21 days to change a behavior and if all of this insanity, and it is insanity, is getting you bonkers, redirect your thoughts and you will beging to see a difference in how you feel. It's not the easiest thing to do but it sure beats the sox off of not trying something!
Is there a way to find a facility for your aunt? Maybe it's time that you lived your life without this insanity. I know that death is part of life, but I for one am not wired to be a caregiver even though I did it for almost 6 years. I would NEVER do it again and I don't want to be the one sitting bedside holding a hand again either.
I did my job and saw both my parents to their graves and that's enough.
OK, Addie, I hear you and please keep venting here because this website is something that can keep you from going totally bonkers. We Care.
lovbob
My mother was a fiercely private, self contained woman who would have been horrified to have had a crew of people milling around her when she was departing.
I too will prefer to make my personal decisions about such matters when and if I become aware that it’s time for such decisions to be made.
The idea that anyone, family, funeral home personnel, medical personnel, social service personnel ET AL, should attempt to direct such personal and private arrangements is much more unpleasant to me than the actual time of departure.
I do not choose to be present at the death of even very cherished loved ones except when specifically requested to be. My family members know that I do not expect them to be clustering around my bedside either.
WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT, and our human frailties and peculiarities deserve to be respected.
Let me just say that I am sorry that you are so overwhelmed by the events that are occurring in your life. No one ever deals with the pain of watching loved ones suffer or die and says it is easy. Ten years ago, I was dealt quite a blow when my grandmother was diagnosed with liver cancer. Never a drink, a cigarette, nothing and this strong, vital woman was diagnosed with this terminal disease. As well as that happening, a friend, 28 years old, fell off of his roof and was in a hospital bed as a vegatable until he died. This was all over the course of 6 months. By the way, my grandmother died at 3:30 AM and my friend died exactly 12 hours later.
I was with my grandmother when she died. The last word she spoke was "pain". It was heartbreaking. She was heavily sedated after that and her heart gave out. The suffering that I saw this woman, one of my best friends, go through almost made it bearable that she was gone. I also think it was a gift to me to be there with her. On the flip side, it was a comfort to her not to be alone.
It was not an easy day and I miss both just as much today as I did ten years ago, but if you have done all that you can do and the person that you love so much is ready to go, you just have to keep plugging through your life and let them go. Your life has not ended. You need to enjoy even the smallest of things that bring you happiness. For some it is volunteering or getting a pet. For others it is prayer. I don't know you, but it seems like you have an overwhelming amount of sadness and grief. Maybe you have someone to speak with. Maybe a long walk could do some good. For me, I get in the car, blast the radio and sing my favorite songs at the top of my lungs. By the way, I am a real sucky singer, but I don't care. It is a release. You do what you have to do and try to be strong for your loved one.
I wish you peace and happiness in your life. Don't ever give up and don't ever be afraid to vent or ask someone for help, but you have to do something for your well being. Take care and I really do hope the best for you.
Look into an ALF or NH for your aunt. Limit visits with your Mom until you can get things under control. And please seek counseling and a good doctor who understands how to treat emotional issues. I am not normally a fan of drug therapies but it might be a good "stop gap" measure until you can get your feet under you.
Make just one change today that will improve your life....even if it is a small one.
And come here as often as you need...we're open 24/7 :o)
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