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Dementia can creep up very, very slowly, doesn't follow a strict pattern and doesn't affect everyone the same way. But in general forgetting, repeating, personality changes, difficulty with sequencing of tasks (e.g. cooking a meal) are all signs of dementia. For the purposes of competency, a proper check by a medical professional is necessary. You should discuss her wishes with her and get her legal affairs in order now, while she is still able to discuss it.
Mom continues to live on her own and for the most part is managing. It's been 2 yrs. they can prescribe medications that some have found to help. They didn't help my mom although she wasn't on them long enough to give a fair evaluation. Actually, she went off all her maintenance meds ...she's 91 and amazingly she is sharper now than she was for the last 3 yrs. I can't explain that except to say she likely shouldn't have been on some and secondly she likely wasn't managing her meds and taking them regularly as prescribed because of the dementia.
I live long distance and don't see her everyday, so I would visit and notice major changes. Paranoia, confusion, bad food in fridge, late bill notices, hallucinations were major flags.
Get HIPPA! DPOA for financial and medical current and in order and make sure you have copies in your possession. Start talking to her about what she wants and if she has plans when she can no longer manage. See if she will add you to her bank accounts. Visit some care facilities on your own, then narrow down to 1 or 2 and visit with mom well in advance of her needs so that she gets a feel for what she likes or wants in the future.
When my dad could not play a game of Solitaire on the computer and he'd even managed to e-mail me and used to program in Fortran, I really should have known. How he HATED the word "confused" when he got things mixed up, but he could often relate to "memory problems" OK and other times you just had to go along with him.
Forgetting where you left your grape juice is one thing. Calling a loved one who lives 30 or miles away and is at work to come find it for you right away, or calling the police or accusing someone of stealing it would be another thing altogether. Forgetting to turn off the oven happens, but failure to react to smoke or the burning smell is something else. (I use a safety tea kettle myself!!) Forgetting your house key is one thing, but forgetting what keys are even for is much more serious. Writing a shopping list and forgetting to bring it with you - happens all the time, but just buying one of everything instead of coming back for the list or texting a spouse for it could be more of an issue...or not. We frequently have a few extras of various items thanks to one of us screwing that up! Keyword though is "a few..."
So, a durable POA is the most useful, but if a springing POA is all your mom will agree to, then it will do the job when it's most needed.
Try to minimize the confrontations over the memory issues. Say, "Oh look! Here is that half-full glass of grape juice we were looking for!" and not "Well, here is where you put your grape juice." Avoid rubbing her cognitive problems in. At some point you may need to say, "I worry that your memory may be getting weaker. Let's have a doctor examine you and see what could help." I don't mean to go into denial yourself about her cognitive problems, but just to be gentle with her. She may be very aware at some level that things are not right.
Personality change can be associated with dementia. It can also be a result of anxiety and fear. Thinking that you might be losing your mind might tend to make one a bit crabby, don't you think? Try very hard not to take this new behavior personally or as if it really is directed at you. Consider that there is sometime going on in Mom's brain/body that is keeping her from being herself.
Be gentle with her.
Don't take it personally.
Bring her new behaviors up with her medical providers, and perhaps bring her to a specialist.
Will these steps improve her memory? Probably not, but it could improve how you feel about it and deal with it.
Best wishes to you, Chris3265. Please keep posting and let us know how this is going for you.
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