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What kind of dementia does your husband have, do you know? My husband has Lewy Body Dementia, and fluctuating cognition is a hallmark of that disease. Many time he seems quite normal (especially to those who don't know how high functioning he was before the disease). This can last for hours or days. And other times he can't find his way to the bathroom in our own home, and is very confused about simple things. On good days he can play cribbage very well. I asked him the other day if he wanted to play and he said, "No, my brain isn't working so well today."
The literature talks about this extreme variation in cognitive abilities, but within caregiver circles we know that it isn't limited to cognition. The fluctuations exist in emotions and physical abilities as well.
I only have first hand knowledge about LBD. Perhaps other forms of dementia have wide variability, too. I can only say that what you describe would not be unusual behavior over several days for my husband.
Cherish the good moments. Understand that the bad times are not your husband's fault -- they are the disease showing.
Why did you make the decision to place him? I am sure it was not done lightly and with no careful weighing of the pros and cons. Review that when you have doubts.
Hugs to you.
Still, if you were taking care of him at home and his behavior was different, it may be that the intimacy of the 24/7 care, with you as care taker, made him more demanding and difficult.
I'm just guessing here. I'm no authority on ALZ. Just saying that you did your best. He's safe and you can visit him. Don't beat yourself up.
It is very, very difficult to go from being an equal partner in a loving relationship, to being in charge of everything and having a dependent who has to be monitored and managed. It was very sad to have to take my husband off our joint accounts and give him his own small-balance checking account, like giving a youngster an allowance. This is NOT how we want to treat our husbands! The nature of the relationship has changed so drastically and so dramatically that it does indeed seem like an ongoing nightmare. The only constant is my continuing love for this person who was once my full partner and is now my dependent, and my devotion to his best interests.
Again, cherish every good moment that happens.
One thing that helped me with my mother was that I was her POA and health care proxy representative and her health care proxy had been invoked by the doctor at the nursing home. With this accomplished, no one could take my mother out of the facility but me. This worked out in my situation, but I know it might be difficult in yours, but at least sister could not take him to bank, etc.
You have nothing to feel guilty about; you have done the right thing to keep your husband safe. If you can, redirect conversation when accusations are made toward you; or if it is an "off" day - don't stay too long. Taking care of someone in a facility is as difficult as someone at home; just different settings resulting in different problems. Sadly, dementia slowly robs a person and their loved ones of the person they once knew...changes will continually occur - good days and bad days. You are a wonderful wife. You are entitled to a life too - try not to feel guilty and do some things you enjoy - you deserve it and it is better for everyone. Blessings to you and take care.
Take one day at a time. Enjoy every "normal" moment you have with your husband. Try not to take the bad moments to heart, or too personally. It is the disease forcing this behavior, not the man you've loved all these years.
Take care.
I guess we could skip all the agonizing and consultations, samualjames, and just use your simple test. If he doesn't want to be in a care center, bring him home where he will live in peace. Oh, but wait, the fact that he is definitely not a peace is why we were agonizing over the decision in the first place ...
Sheesh ...
Samuel James, do you have personal experience with someone who has dementia?
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