Follow
Share

Why do I feel so overwhelmed with care giving when I know that others have a far more difficult time than I do? I know that is the case - I read lots of posts here on Agingcare and don't know how some of you do what you do.

I know that stress is perceived. How do I perceive it differently?

My family says to 'just let it go' - 'don't pay any attention to what she says' - 'you can't do anything about it' - 'stop worrying about it.'

Why can't I?

I have changed from a very caring person, happy person into someone who is uptight, stressed out and feels like crying a lot. Some days I manage OK and some days I don't. Is it ME or is it just that my hubby and kids don't understand what I deal with? If I were to explain my day - MOST would think I have it pretty good. Why does it FEEL like PRISON?

I do the care-giving. I don't feel that I get much understanding from my family. I know my husband 'cares' but I am not so sure he 'understands.' My MIL gets visits and caring phones calls - no one ever asks how I am.

I just feel that it is easy for others to say 'let it go' - because they CAN. Of course, they can also LEAVE. They have jobs and lives. :

I am even looking forward to a REAL break in a few weeks. Friends from and our kids are going to look after grandma while we go away for a while. The visiting nurse says 'go for it.' 'Don't worry' I spent 3 weeks enlisting help for twice a day visits and 5 evenings of meals and company for her. I should be thrilled to be able to leave. What's wrong? Am I dreading coming home before I even leave?

Maybe it's the gloomy weather :-( Guess this is just a rant with NO real answers required.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

36 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
You know, my pain threshold is much higher than my husband's. It's just how I'm made. I think it's the same idea of what you're talking about too. Some people can take more abuse both physical and/or mental abuse then other people. It's just the way we're made. If you're feeling tired and abused, then you're tired and abused, it's YOUR feelings, not anyone else's feelings. Do what you have to do for your mental well-being and sanity. No one but you can tell when you're at the end, so don't worry what other people are going thru, cause that's their threshold, not yours. You may have to let go of the part where you are wanting appreciation for what you do though, lets' face it, people are pretty much only concerned about what they need etc. That's not meant to be a slam necessarily, just a fact. It's like when we look at a picture of us and our family or a group of people with us in it. Who's the first person we look for in that picture? it's ourselves of course. So when you're care giving for your mother-in-law, do it out of love for her, not for what other people are going to say. For myself, I do it NOT for my husband who's mother it is, I reach out to her because of what Jesus said:
"And the King shall answer and say to them, Truly I say to you, Inasmuch as you have done it to one of the least of these my brothers, you have done it to me."
Matthew 25:40 NOT because I have it in me to help her on my own that's for sure. ha
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
What you are feeling, is normal. You are tied into this family member and it's sounds like others are not sharing in the responsibility. Are there any siblings that are willing to help lighten the load? I have two older brother still living. One lives in town and only shows up when he needs money. The other lives out West and follows the rule "out of sight, out of mind." Being the youngest and a girl, has left me with more responsibility than my shoulders can sometimes bare. Still, I press on. I understand what you mean by, "I have changed from a very caring person, happy person into someone who is uptight, stressed out and feels like crying a lot." I feel this too. I snap at little things, say things that I know are not right, sometimes even mean. I go to bed feeling tired and wake up the same way. I look in the rear view mirror of my car and think "my Lord, you look old." As I drive, I let my mind wonder; dreaming of how nice it would be, just to drive until there was no more gas, and putting down roots wherever I ended up. Of course, this would be far away from my loved ones. It's depression, I know it and I think that may be your case too. Take that vacation and leave the cell phone behind. Have one or two people that are in total responsibility for the care of your loved one. If it's a sibling, then by all means have no guilt in departing! When you come back, see if you can find one person to come in once a week and give yourself a day off. If that's not possible, seek out Commission on Aging. In my town, we are given 4 hours a week, where someone comes in for respite care. This can be in one lump sum, or spread out. Take whatever help you can find and go whenever you can. Also, maybe sit down and visit with your loved one. Sometimes, we are so caught up in the things that need to be done, that we forget about the most important thing....the human side. I'm sure your loved one wouldn't care if there was a little dust on the furniture, if it meant someone was talking with them about old memories and having a cup of tea with them? You might be surprised how both of you feel better, after remembering each other. My mom has cancer. It took a long time for me to understand quality vs quantity of life. Now, I know the difference. When you have some quiet time, think about how that applies to you and your family....b/c, it really applies to us all. The days, are shorter than we think. Finally, if you need it, seek help for yourself. Find someone to talk to, other than your family, who is not bias. A counselor, a friend, clergy....you matter too. Good luck and God bless.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Sounds like the novilety of care-giving has worn off. The sad days, the bad days, the depressed days, the impatient days, getting angry days, as well as the good days , the happy days, the loving days, the patient days, the closeness days of being together. It's all part of it. Hang in there, this is not a very thankful job, and it often seems as if you are definately not appreciated. But you are.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
You are normal being a caregivers has consumed me and sucked the life out of a once happy outgoing person. If you are like me you encourage your family to carry on but inside it kills me to know that I am missing out on my babies day to day lives. My son is a starting pitcher on his h's baseball team. I used to live for it and I have missed 11 games. You are normal and you deserve a break. My grandmother goes back to the nursing home tomorrow. I had been on the fence about it but she tortures my daughter and myself in addition to giving up our lives for her. The final straw- she told me I will treat you and that child (my 9 yr old) of yours anyway I want to. Deal with it! So I let 10 sec pass and called the nursing home. God smiled down on me and they had a room available. I can breath again and it is amazing. Please take a vacation and fill your lungs with worryfree air. It is amazing!Everyone is in a different situation yes but we all have given up a great deal for others please take care of you
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
As previously stated, it is so important to understand and realize that every situation is unique and difficult in its own personal ways. We all handle things differently and we all have different things to handle and all to a different extent. And you are not alone in feeling overwhelmed.....IT IS OVERWHELMING and it sometimes can feel like a prison.

It is sooooooo important to get a break; before you break, really. I never lisened to anyone who said "let it go" ..just know that all of us on here know that even though you may have days of not feeling appreciated; you are. Take care. It is one of the hardest jobs we can take on. It's good to vent and share feelings - a lot of which many of us may be feeling as well.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I feel the same way that you do. Since I've had my Mom, in my home for over 2years, I have acquired high blood pressure and take meds for that and am on 2 anti-depressants. (they do help) I have absolutely no support system as I am an only child. When we do qualify for Home Health, that helps me a lot! Just the simple task of bathing my Mom, rolling her hair and changing her sheets....means the WORLD to me. Maybe see if your Mom qualifies for Home Health paid through her Medicare. They will stop after about 4 months but you can re qualify a few months later. People say, take a vacation. It does help but I wish she could take a vacation and I could just be in my home alone for just 2-3 days. I think that would do me better than me taking a vacation. You are not alone! Many of us feel the same way. It is an overwhelming job and highly stressful. Especially if the one you are caring for is milking it for all it's worth. All I can say is Hang In There! Do the best you can, find some private time for yourself even if it's just walking around in the yard. I feel your pain and will be thinking of you as we go through this.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Wow!!! Great question!! I finally took some good advice, 4years late, it had been suggested to just make a routine schedule with your husband. If he gripes about it...well then he gripes. If he chooses to not make a shake hands agreement about taking on some of the load, then, when he is home and you need a break, get yourself ready to go , let him know you are leaving for two or three hours and that he is in charge, then leave! If you fear repercussions from the needed freedom then prepare a schedule and hand it to him, tell him you need a break 3 times a week let him tell you when he will sacrifice the needed time for you since you are sacrificing your life for his mother! It took a lot for me to do this, but when you find yourself day dreaming about the next on comming tree or a new state to escape to under the USA wittiness protection program... You have got to tell your husband how you are feeling and what your NEEDS are!
Something I learned, the hard way, is that if you are not voicing your needs to everyone and anyone that could be helping... They will not help you... If they know that you are doing the job and are not complaining or even if you are complaining and the definitely realize that you are not going to put your MIL in danger by just leaving her alone or or not caring for her... Well they will continue on there merry way. Even go out of their way not to be in contact during certain times of the week. You have to assert yourself and let everyone know where you stand, or you will end up continuing to stand alone!!! I have been there and know exactly how you are feeling.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
It is not a contest. We don't accumulate points for how hard we have it and then use them to justify how overwhelmed we feel. Your feelings are your feelings. Respect them. Perhaps how you are feeling is an indicator that something needs to change.

Some caregivers have things a lot harder than you do (on certain levels) and some have things easier than you do. Some people are not caregivers at all. Some people who should be helping with caregiving don't. None of this has any bearing on what you "should" feel.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
OC: It doesn't matter what others go through. We can all look around and find someone that has it worse. The world is full of starving people, people dying in insane wars. You can't look to the outside world to see if you match up.

Peeweedeb said that it looks like the novelty of care giving has worn off. You've been taking care of your mil for 6 years. That's not a novelty. I know PW is a kind hearted person, but maybe she is a born caretaker and the rest of us are just doing our best. You don't need to compare yourself with her or anyone else, myself included.

You have every right to want your life back. I bet you can't even remember who you were or how you will adjust to a new life if your mil is not in the mix.

Maybe it's time to think about doing things differently. God Bless You. Love and Hugs, Cattails.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I believe all caretakers understand your emotions. I work and take care of my mother. I have a sister that lives about 5 minutes away and is never around. She is always busy with her own life. If I do want to make plans I make them months in advance and even then am not sure things will change. I to wake up as tired as I go to sleep. Dress her, feed her and get her out the door for senior day care and then I leave for work. She overwhelmes me when I arrive home. My husband has to keep reminding me to be patient.. One of the problmes is I work in a Call Center and all day long I am being abused by people who beleive they have the right to call and say whatever they want however they want to the person on the other end of the phone. I also deal with the elderly and repeat myself all day.. I know it is not my mothers fault. She would not want to be this way and it is my responsibilty to rember that. I do forget and feel resentful that I have no life. All of you out there do me one favor, if you do have to call a call center for a problem, remember that the person on the other end have regulations and job specifications they must follow, but will do anything and everything they can to solve your problem if you are nice. Your issue is not there fault and they may have to go home to care for an elderly parent.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter