By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Please, please, please learn about Alzheimer's/dementia so that you will get a better understanding on what is going on.
Click on this link for more information https://www.agingcare.com/alzheimers-dementia
You are willing to give me advice that I already know, and thank you, but have you dealt with this directly, in your home?
Everyone here on the forum has dealt with age related issues. My Dad toward the end of his life thought it was the 1940's. You learn to go with the flow, not do any corrections.
I am glad you have educated yourself about demenia so find it hard to understand what advice you are seeking.
If you feel you can no longer tolerate taking care of your Dad then it is time to make other arrangements for his care.
It is not possible to change the behavior of someone with dementia. No amount of reasoning will alter his behavior. The only solution is to remove you or him from the situation whether you like this advice or not.
I think you are totally justified calmly correcting him (even though he can't really understand), if just for your own sanity while you are caring for him. That's what I would imagine myself doing in your shoes. Hope you get some breaks from this very stressful kind of caregiving. Best wishes to you!
In general it is a good idea to go with the flow, go along to get along, do not argue about or try to reason with delusions. But there are situations where that just doesn't make sense. A very common delusion is that the caregiver spouse is having affairs. How could you go along with that? I was very fortunate that my husband never had that delusion. But he did accuse me of stealing his money, stealing his car, and holding him captive against his will. He told the neighbors and tried to call the sheriff. I was not about to go along with those accusations, but I didn't argue with him, either. "Well dear, I know that I did not deliberately take your money, but I could have made a mistake. Or the bank could have. Would you like to go through our last couple of bank statements and see if you can spot the problem?"
I think it is important to acknowledge the feelings (which are very real) without falsely claiming guilt. And to try to offer a solution. Perfect solution? No -- that word doesn't belong in a discussion about dementia. But usually better than anger, I hope.
Can you think of how to apply this to your dad's disturbing behavior? Maybe something along the lines of "You were quite the ladies' man, weren't you? I am not one of your sweethearts, but you sure had a few over the years. No wonder. You have such an appealing smile! Do you remember who your very first girlfriend was?" Or, "I'm not Betty but I'd sure like to hear about her. Was she blond like me?"
I haven't dealt with your dad's specific delusions, but I think I'd do my best to acknowledge where he's at and move in a neutral direction.
You feel better after you've corrected him. That is worth something. How does he seem to feel? Does he stop using the terms of endearment? For how long? If what you are doing now works well for both of you, I don't suppose there is any need to change it.
Good luck!
I never experienced this with my father. The thing that bothered me at times is when he would tell me “Yes, ma’am”, in response to a question. He had other professional caregivers and I guess was used to saying that to them, but it was disturbing to me. I would tell him, “I’m your daughter, you don’t have to ma’am me. Just call me by my name”. I had to do this a lot, but he always complied. I just wanted to maintain the father-daughter relationship and not be confused with his caregivers.
I don't mind being accused of stealing his car, or checkbook, or that his parents are alive….whatever else he comes up with. I know how to deflect what he's focusing on toward something easy…. like food, or clothes. I keep pictures up of family and let him know the light is always on if they want to visit.
He's actually gotten better with not calling me "Honey" unless I leave for more than 2 hours. When I leave him for even a short time, he will tell whoever that I'm his wife. I have one male friend that will give me a few hours relief now and then. He gets Sooo verbally inappropriate with what he talks about with him. At least he doesn't go down that dirty mouth man thing with me, where talking about women parts is only the beginning.
When I return, in my rare departures, I let him know that I'm his daughter and he lives with me and we like to fish and grow things. We LOVE chocolate, and cake… ha ha.
When I need to correct him about the wife/gf stuff, he gets a bit put out, that's when I go to "I don't care", which I don't say to him. Within 5 minutes he forgets the situation. He's only tried to come to my bed once…. and I corrected it very quickly. Firmness, when it comes to sexually inappropriate words or behavior, has been working well for both of us, or so I believe.
I don't allow him to kiss me for any reason, not even good night…. and he remembers. On occasion I will hug him…. but I don't really like it.
Thanks again for sharing. I will take your words to heart.