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Here is a link to the 10 warning signs of dementia:
https://alzheimer.ca/en/about-dementia/do-i-have-dementia/10-warning-signs-dementia
And another link with more comprehensive info:
https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/10_signs
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet to learn all about dementia. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.
The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Best of luck.
Are you and your wife of one mind that her dad needs more care than can be given in your home?
Consider getting in touch with your local Area Agency on Aging and asking for a "needs assessment" and case management services.
It sounds like FIL may have some sort of cognitive issues and/or mental illness. Is this new? Has he been seen by a doctor since leaving AL?
Be aware of the fact that urinary tract infections (UTIs) can cause what look like bizarre symptoms in the elderly.
If this is a recent change in mental status, I think you're justified in calling 911 and getting him to the ER. Septic shock can set in with UTIs very quickly.
Once at the ER, you find the social worker and tell her/him that dad can no longer be cared for at home.
The senior community he lived in evicted him so the next stop after your place is the nursing home.
If he doesn't clean up his act literally, evict him. Then whoever is his POA can have him placed.
What do you mean by ‘lashing out’? Using a whiplash is clearly not something to be recommended, but objecting to what is going on is perfectly reasonable and sensible. If you don’t make it clear that his behavior is not acceptable, why would he change?
What does your wife think about all this? Did she pressure you to take her father into your home? Will she object to you getting him to leave? What is the situation with Powers of Attorney? Is FIL capable of working out where to go? You need to be on the same page as your wife about all this, even if she is very sad about the problems and the solutions.
The more information you can give, the more help you can get from the site. Yours, Margaret
Nothing you say here indicates dementia to me.
For what reason was your FIL in care, when did he enter care, and what is his age, diagnosis and prognosis? Can you tell us. Any added info would help here.
I don't know how your Dad was paying for his in-facility care?
Is your Dad using his own assets or is he on Medicaid?
Moving an elder into your own home without careful discussion, contract for shared living costs and care contract, agreements as to how often and when the living arrangements will be reassessed is a very poor decision. And once done, you have made your own home the abode of your parent.
It is time first for you and wife to sit down and decide how to move forward. To look at Dad's assets, and to decide if he is safe to live on his own, does he need a formal diagnosis and placement, or WHAT.
Then sit with Dad and let him know how it has to be.
If your father cannot agree with your rules for the household and with drawing up a care contract give him a time in which you expect him to exit your premises.
Help him if you are able to get his own small studio nearby you.
If you are not already POA for this gentleman my own personal advice would likely go against the advice you will more commonly get here. I would tell you NOT be become his POA but to allow state guardianship should he be adjudged incompetent or unsafe in his own care. Operating for someone not cooperative is truly impossible, and very very difficult in the best of circumstances.
I wish you good luck.
Some people who don't care about their personal hygiene, could have a mental issue.