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My mother lives by herself in the same town as I do. She moved here 6 years ago from a larger city where my sister lives. Part of the reason she moved here is because I am more willing to be attentive and Mom feels more comfortable with my husband and children. My sister is a good person, but has always done just what she wants, and on her time schedule, not one to be put out. Also, the city I live in is smaller and my Mom can still drive here (such as to the store, library, dr., etc). Mom has some hearing loss as well as selective hearing. Also, since she lives alone, her social skills have diminished quite a bit. She has alway been a chatter box, but it seems like she doesn't listen to other people, just talks about what she wants. Is not a two way conversation....you know.....I talk, then you talk, when I talk again should be relevant to what you said, and vice versa. A conversation, back and forth. My Mom seem incapable of this anymore, and I find myself getting shorter and shorter with her because she does not listen. She askes me to help her with some issue, but she doesn't listen to the information I am trying to provide her, then I get short with her, and she acts all hurt, but she won't listen. Then, after these encounters, I feel bad, and she thinks I am just being a big B***h. Unfortunately, now I find myself avoiding going over to her house, or having her over at mine. I think I really just needed to vent, but if someone has some insight for me, it would be greatly appreciated

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I have the same problem with my mom, and I have had it for years and years and years. This was before my mom had a hearing problem, or is the advanced age she is now (early 80’s). Nothing has ever changed.
It drives me nuts (short drive), and I find myself avoiding her as much and as long as possible.
I feel bad that she annoys me so much, but it just goes way back to my childhood and her general need for control, stubbornness, critical nature, negativity, impatience, and anal retentive/OCD issues.
I have nothing really in common with her; and I hate to admit that she is quite boring. 
I have much more in common with my kids than she ever did with me.  I also made/make an effort to engage my kids, where I just don’t think my mom ever genuinely did with me in a super nurturing and relative way.  
She goes on about the same things all the time, and it’s mostly criticizing or complaining about what is not right or perfect in her world. I feel she will never be satisfied or admit to any wrong.  She does it all in a very manipulative, reticent, and very passive aggressive way. She also tells stories of negative and painful things that happened to me in my childhood.  It’s embarrassing, frustrating and just grating.
My dad passed away, and it’s even worse now.   She also moved closer to me.  
It was all so much easier to deal with when she lived farther away.  
I don’t know what to do, so I just continue to grin and bear it - out of sheer obligation and respect to her.
I am an only child, so it’s all on me, as I am all she has. She has lost all of her friends from them either passing away, or just drifting apart from her.
I have tried to help her and encourage her to seek counseling, an elderly support group to meet peers, and to encourage her overall ‘to get a life’, but she doesn’t seem interested. 

I have led the horse to the water, and I am just thinking now that it’s not my job to try to motivate her anymore. If she needs physical help with something, I will help, but mentally she absolutely still drains me.
I have had other people essentially tell me what I am describing, so it’s not only me, and not my imagination.  I used to think it was my fault, but I have come to understand that this is just how she is, and I have to let it go as best as I can. 

  Maybe it’s time for me to a visit to a counselor again.  
Self care is important too.  


Thanks for letting me purge.

DAR
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Well from what i had thought that if a person has elderly parents that they should enjoy every moment they can cause when their gone their gone. I would listen too other people problems less so that i can have ears to listen to my parents. I notice my last conversation with my dad he was a motor mouth then all of a sudden he had no voice to talk and was only moving his mouth. Then he stop watching tv even his favorite baseball games. When they change you change or adjust yourselves as well.
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My mother's blathering is just one of the reasons I resent being her caregiver. She won't accept anything I say. She tells people that I'm her driver. Yes, that is it. I'm the Dummy Daughter Driver. I get so sick of hearing the same thing over and over and over, because she has so little socialization. That's unfair to expect me to be social support. And yet her few friends are now getting tired of her obsessiveness over the same topics. 

I will never live with her. It's bad enough that I have to be her taxi driver. It eats up hours of my time. I resent that I am the only child (of four) that is expected to put up with this.

We talk all the time on this site that some people aren't cut out to be caregivers, and that's okay. Well, that's me. That is why I will not do more than drive her places (unless it is an emergency). I told her to sell the car and use the money for taxis/rides instead of giving me her car and expecting free taxi service. I was ignored.

But I do set firm boundaries on what I will and won't do. And I give my brothers an email report of my outings with my mother. I do this for my own protection, since my mother has no idea of how much time she takes, and has called me a liar to my face.

She really should be in an AL facility. If/when she ever gets to the point of agreeing that she needs that  (or needs a nursing home), I'm going to strongly suggest that it needs to be near one of the golden boy brothers. I am very disappointed to read that I won't be able to back off once she's in a facility the way I will be planning to do!
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Allegra, I was struck by your comment "This behavior is counter to generativity." Yes it is, but not everyone has the generativity motive, even people who have children. A lot of people are motivated to have kids through societal expectations, their families' expectations, their own narcissism, or just being too lazy to figure out what they actually wanted to do with their lives. These are the parents who are quick to say "My job it done. It's time for me to be taken care of now." Like my mother, for example.
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Oh, god, I feel the same as you.... I live with my mom, moved in with her 1-1/2 years ago and the situation is rocky (fortunately, not all the time).
I have absolutely no advice except to say, "I hear you" and understand what you're going through.
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I came here searching for an answer to this question that so many have related to. But it seems that some of us already had issues with our Mothers. I know I did. I have recently started to believe my mother has been narcissistic all her life. We have not had a good relationship since I was small. I wondered if this tendency of our mothers to talk about themselves in their senior years was somehow related to the process of aging bur after reading this thread, I wonder if it is not normal. This behavior is counter to generativity. I wonder if patience is the only way to deal with this. I'd better learn to knit. :)
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This is a good thread, at least we all know we are not alone. We have to be there to listen, but we must also be a little selfish. Whatever you do, do not feel guilty about sometimes not listening. It's a coping mechanism. Things must be on your terms too, so don't feel guilty, we just have to give a little if they talk on.. or even over you.
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Wow. Youngest, and several others of the commenters- These could have been written by me as well. I'm having to stay with my elderly mother while I put my life back together at 41. The one thing I've learned is to try to accept her for who she is, and try to be more tolerant. :-/ Whether she really can't hear me or has chosen not to (like always), it's just easier on me to not tell her anything important until we're sitting across from each other. Then she has to meet my eyes and watch my mouth moving. Somehow she can also hear me behind her, depending on what I say. It's getting worse but until I can move out I'm reminding myself to be thankful for her, love her and try to keep to myself until I'm sure I can keep her attention. Good luck.
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Mom2Six Why are you doing everything yourself? Noone can do it all.
Ask family on the other side of the country to visit and give you a break.
Being far away is not an excuse.
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These comments have been so helpful to me! My own mother lives with me, and every conversation in our home is always hijacked by her, and becomes a reminiscence of her life before she was married to my father.
My husband is so kind and patient, and my kids are amazingly good humored about it.....most of the time. The most difficult part of this is when I come home from a busy day outside the house, and am met by mom who has a long and (at least to her) URGENT list of tasks that need to be addressed immediately, like her dry cleaning, or mailing out a birthday card, or getting her to the Clinique counter at the mall. My siblings live on the other side of the country, and want to remember her fondly, so I really hate to tell them what it's like to live with her.
I would have to say that, looking for the blessing in this situation, it is that I am getting a vivid picture of what I might become if I don't make every effort, every moment of every day, to make it my habit to put everyone else ahead of me with joy and a genuine interest in their well being, and in their feelings.
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Hello Devins, sounds familiar. When my Mom passed away in 2005 it opened me up to more contact with my Dad than I ever had in my life. He'll never change and like your Mom it's all about them. I understand, It's frustrating. I limit my time with him.
I work, walk my dogs, do things at home and set some time for him when I'm rested and feeling good so that we don't argue. Everything becomes a debate.
He did this with relatives when I was younger. It's behavior they were never forced to change.
I find myself doing the same with my daughter and I'm trying to change that, I'm so used to not being heard that it's slowly becoming about me. I don't want to get like that and drive her crazy.

Limit Time with your Mom , love her but take part in other activities and with other people when possible.
Good Luck!
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Ok. I have a mother who has always talked non-stop about whatever she's interested in, just pausing to correct us, for whatever we are doing wrong in her eyes at the moment. She's always been this way. I am periodically surprised once a while when she actually asks about me and even more so when she pauses to hear the answer. Then, of course, the conversation returns quickly to how it all relates to her and it goes on and on in that vein. Is this a mental illness? I've never understood why she would do this. As a child it was devastating -- nothing could get her interest or attention. And she subscribed to adage that children are best when seen but never heard. I moved closer by her a few years ago so my child could have a living grandmother and she does a bit better with my daughter Now that she is almost 90, people attribute her inappropriateness to senility and say how wonderful she is, so I guess she's grown into the behavior. I intentionally have limited time with her. I love her, but am getting less and less patient.
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All sounds familiar. My 89 year old Dad can talk for 20 minutes not listening to
anything I say. I call him every night and it's the same one way conversation. I've
learned to cope as best I can when we talk. It's years of being that way and it just becomes habit. He also can't be told he may be wrong about something. He only sees the world from his point of view which can lead to arguments if I'm not careful. Hang in there, it's not you and it won't change. Just make sure you communicate with other people. Good Luck
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Dear Youngest (and everyone who responded),
You have described my 90 year old father to a "T". I just moved him to an independent living apartment in my town, and feel like I'm about to lose my wits. My sister came for a visit and he talked non-stop for 8 hours, repeating the same stories he told me non-stop on the 1100 mile drive while moving him here. He never talks about his own 6 children or 7 grandchildren, just about the messed up people he worked with as a crisis counselor years ago.
Unfortunately, he's always been like this except when I stayed with him for a couple weeks this year to prepare his house for sale and move him out. He actually listened to me quite a bit, and I thought our relationship had changed for the better. Now I feel like I've been duped.
This forum has at least let me know I'm not alone in a unique situation, so I'll be trying some of the tips and techniques suggested by everyone for dealing with him. So, thanks for sharing...and listening!
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Hello Youngest

I know how you feel. My stepfather (her husband) died recently and she is forever on the phone to me talking talking talking and talking some more and it's the biggest load of selfish rubbish you can imagine. I'm now having to attend 'group therapy' in order to deal with it - terrified of lashing out at her and making her start her "I'm sure a rotten mother, rotten woman" etc etc etc. Good luck with it - don't know what to suggest :-/
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This is not uncommon with aging, fear, and loss of control. The person may not even talk about him-or herself, but just need to talk. My mother has been losing weight and I will make her food and sit with her. She talks and talks about the neighbor's cat or whatever comes to mind. I told her once to stop talking so she could eat, and she said, "OK, then you talk." It turns out she just wanted the conversation to continue; is uncomfortable with the quiet.
Aging people lose their hearing, their partners, their health, their independence, their work place, their friends, their mental faculties, and eventually push their own families away as the families become frustrated with their aging loved one who is waiting for the Big Unknown. It has to be the loneliest time in a person's life. Remember the conversation is not for you, it is for the person you are with. Guide the conversation if you must; even if it is an abrupt topic change. Be sure you get the information you need, and then ask them leading questions - how are they feeling health-wise? Any appointments coming up? Anything that worries or frightens them? Who have they been seeing for company and when is that person's next visit? You could learn some things in the process of guiding the conversation.
Think about possible ways to engage them with an activity that will distract them - a walk (push the wheelchair if you have to), shopping, volunteering, board game, music, looking at photo albums, something focused. This person is very aware the visit you are having may be your last and that fear and urgency can be quite motivating to speak. My parents love to talk about the family tree and be sure their kids know who everyone is.
You never know when these conversations will be silenced forever. Listen while you can and know that you are boosting your companion more than you know. Hopefully someday someone will do the same for you.
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Non-stop talking on the part of older people is typical of the aging process. As our brains age, we all have problems with processing others' speech, but no problem expressing our own "perservations" that have been running through our heads all day. "Active listening"---really paying attention and being able to repeat and interpret what someone else has said---eventually becomes impossible for most elderly people. Reading up on these problems on credible websites may help you help your elderly loved ones reduce their constant chatter. There is also no rule against telling them you need quiet time for a while!
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Finding this site has been very refreshing for I am dealing with an aging Father with hearing loss that refuses to acknowledge it and kind of expects other to conform to him. He likes to talk but has a hard time listening and then just cuts off the conversation. My Mom has passed from stage four Parkinsons, she was always the buffer between my Father and I. My brother lives in the same city but barely visits him for they never really got along. I live one State away but for my Dad that is too far yet has never invited me for a visit. He is in his own little bubble and I feel bad for him but after reading some of these posts I realize I cannot change him. When we do speak on the phone it is either about the weather or something about him, so different from the relationship I had with my Mom so sometimes I feel so down that him and I do not really have a connection. Or communication consists of the weather and only the weather sometimes it is very deflating so I find myself not wanting to reach out to him at all then I feel guilty, I double edged sword:).
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I could copy and paste almost all of these comments! I am youngest also, my older siblings are far away and estranged, my mother in her seventies is alone and lonely and but wont stop talking about everyone she does stuff with and also fixates on her childhood. Sitting in a waiting room, driving, dining out are all hell with her! And whenever she asks for help she consequently treats me like an idiot. Her dramatics and narcissism just keep notching up. And then she wonders why my kids dont want to visit! It makes me want to tear my hair out but I try to grit my teeth and bear it, she will never change. I try to laugh about it too, and sometimes just cry it out. Hugs to you all...
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My mother is 85 years old and I love her to bits. However, you can't ask a straight yes or no answer question without getting a running commentary of every single aspect (in detail) of her entire day, from the moment she woke up, to what coloured socks she donned, to what she ate for breakfast and lunch, who visited, what they talked about, newspaper articles, when she did the laundry, and on baking day (ugggh baking day), she does a low-down on every single ingredient she used in her recipe (which I have heard a thousand times before that it is now embedded permanently in my brain). Driving me nuts!
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I also have a mother whose motto is "It's all about me". Forget listening, and even less, taking advice. To make matters worse, she still wants all my attention and care when I also have to care for my husband with dementia in another city. And she wants me to take in my mentally ill brother with us when she passes. There is no way I can handle them all.

Not only is my mother so self absorbed, (can't remember the last time she asked how I was doing) and such a chronic complainer, she is always criticizing and accusing me and everybody else. Never herself. If the weather is bad, it is my fault. She has accused me of things that are impossible for me to have done. I was also getting short and downright ugly with her.

She is so difficult to be with that people cannot believe that we are related. And I have had to call places (i.e. doctor's offices) to apologize for her behavior and ask the doctor not to scold the receptionist, nurse, tech, etc. who she is accusing of so negligence, or incompetence . Nobody wants to see her coming and doors are closed to her even by my siblings.

So, how do I handle her? (many times I wish I drank or did drugs!!) I basically ignore her. I NEVER respond to her accusations or complaints. I just usually say, "uh huh", "wow", "gosh", etc. I NEVER try to solve her problems, nor side with her against another person, or try to help her see the other person's point of view.

It has taken me a lifetime to learn that with my mother's personality disorder, there is no communicating with that type of person. There is no meaningful interaction. Only frustration. So I decided to stop being frustrated and angry. I love my mother, but I don't like her. We are related, but not friends. I keep my companionship and physical visits very limited. Mostly talk on the phone. I can handle 5 minutes of that.

If I let her get more into my life and my head, I lose. I just try to love her from a distance. That is best for me. That way, I can be sane for my husband who drives me insane in his own way.

I feel guilty as heck, but for my sanity and my husband's care, I have to keep my distance from the person who bleeds me dry if I let her. I got good advice from my pastor who reminded me and confirmed for me that my husband is my first and most important priority. I can and should help my mother whenever possible, so I send money for her to get what she wants or needs. I don't do it personally if I can find another way to get her needs met.

I wish you the best.
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Carla, what makes you think your mom does not have dementia? That kind of loss of empathy and perspective taking is a very common symptom of it, particularly the non-Alzheimer's types where memory of familiar people and long term memory is relatively intact. My mom had vascular dementia, and I remember what a shock it was when she forgot my birthday for the first time - but at that point we knew the diagnosis. And, she only forgot it one more time or maybe two, because she passed on.

But more than that, don't let her current condition, whatever it is or isn't run your life into the ground or ruin your perspective. Make good decisions for her and for you...I suspect she can't do that any more, and she needs you to do it and will come to need it more and more. Build trust as much as you can. Find ways to show her that her needs will be met while you go ahead with Plan A, or maybe a modified Plan A, but NOT Plan B, if Plan B is you give up everything and devote 110% of available resources to her every whim.
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wow I could have wrote this. But my mom lives with me ( for now ) . But its nothing new. she turns EVERY SINGLE conversation into about her. Even if were talking about dog poop. Its HARD not having a real mother to discuss things with. I have learnt the last year though that she's not going to change and in a way I have already mourned the loss of my mother even though she's alive and living n my house. I didn't realize until last year that I have NEVER been able to talk to my mom without her turning it into about her.
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I think that one of most difficult aspects of caregiving is that whatever mutuality previously existed in the relationship seems to disappear just when you need it most, when so much is being demanded of you and you need reasons to sustain your involvement and investment. If the care recipient would be caring and interested, if they would invest themselves emotionally in the care recipient, it would be so much easier and more rewarding for the caregiver to keep investing so much time and energy in them.

I'm in the same position. My mother and I used to be good buddies (which was why I became the designated caregiver out of 7 adult children), but that is a thing of the past. Now it's all about her. Mom didn't even remember my birthday this past year. I mean, just totally forgot, and I was practically living with her at the time, and no she doesn't have dementia . As my friend and confidante, Mom knew about all the plans and goals I had for my retirement, but she thinks nothing of expecting me to sacrifice all of it to make her senior years as easy and comfortable as possible for her. And of course all the conversation is about her - her medical issues, her schedule, her home maintenance needs, whatever she wants me involved with and helping with. It's like if they allow themselves to remember that you're a separate person with your own issues and feelings, they'd feel too bad about everything they're asking you to sacrifice for them, so they just don't think of it. It bites. I wish I had some helpful advice, but I really don't. It just really bites.
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Ooooh I have a black belt in this :) I don't ever remember a time when my Mom listened, it has always been about her. Since I can remember, when people asked me how she was doing I would say "oh you know, dying and going broke, nothing new". I have been saying that for decades.

It's awfully hard to be around such self focus and negativity and I've lost it on my Mom plenty over the years but I hate when I get like that. It never helps AND I feel guilty.

One thing I found to make it easier is to have zero expectations that I am going to get anything out of a conversation with her. I tell myself there are other people in my life to fill that need. So when we talk I remind myself that nothing has changed.

Mom and Dad are still living on their own so I don't call unless I feel up to listening to the same tired old stuff. Once in a while we do end up having a fun or positive conversation and I just try and enjoy it without getting my hopes up.

I know you live with your Mom and that makes it all the harder. Is there a room you can go into and shut the door when you need respite? Or maybe get out of the house? I wish you much luck and hope you find relief.
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My 74 year old has always been interesting to talk to until a year ago. He calls more than once a day now and he talks about some of the same things over and over again in detail such as how he is putting down a new floor and tells all the different ways the corner looks or details about size of nails he's using, length in inches of a board he has cut, what he may do, has done or has not done, and usually talks an hour or more. I have to interrupt him just to respond with a yes or no and the begins the chatter talk again. Completely a one sided conversation. I don't know what is going on with him. The next day he may begin the same conversation with I know I may have told you this but.... or start a new subject with constant rapid talking about more insignificant details about TV program or movie he has seen and then go into similar details about similar movies he has seen, has not seen and often doesn't even make sense. Totally one sided conversations as if I am not even there. What''s going on with him?
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My mother is always asking me for advice and she does listen, but then ignores my recommendations and either does it her own way or wants different additional advice that will suit her needs and wants. She is not interested in my opinions just interested in me telling her what she wants to hear. Why ask???
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I know, I will say something and next thing is taking me to the bathroom. Like she does not care what you are saying, it is all about her. I think this is very common for the elderly when they internalizing all the time. Patience is what I hope to achieve, do not know if I will find it, keep taking deep breaths!
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Hi youngest, hope things are okay. Seriously, just listen and agree, it's your mom and she cannot help it. My mom used to repeat the same things over and over and now she can't barely speak and just says certain words we can understand. You will miss that some day so take a step back and relax, just love her all up.
Best to you!
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Live with my sister in law and brother, my sister in law has Parkinson for
20 years now, and she has demetia, she always been spoiled and go
her way, she always came first, I try to stop her from cooking and
running out the door, she scared me, she will not listen to me
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