My father (80) has dementia and let a 25-year-old gold digger move in with him. What should I do?

Set how hurt you are aside right now (although I can definitely see WHY you are so hurt after all you have done to help your father) and remain the one person in your family that is still thinking straight. You said that your father has slight alcohol-related dementia. How slight? I am wondering if you can prove that he suffers from dementia and therefore is not capable of making smart decisions, this might give you some power in dealing with this latest problem your father is giving you. Has your father given you (or anyone else) in your family power of attorney yet?

On the other hand, if your dad marries this woman, you can quit being your dad's "mother" and the new woman can take over. It seems with three failed marriages and three failed live-ins, your dad is determined (stubbornly so) to lead a tumultuous life. He doesn't seem to appreciate how you have helped straighten up his life so maybe you will just have to say "so long, Dad, and good luck!" and just make the most of your own life. You could let the rest of the siblings know that, since they are in favour of this marriage and won't help you do anything about stopping it, they will have to the ones that pick up the pieces next time when your dad is in trouble again (which he probably will be).

I don't know which way you will want to go but I certainly understand your hurt and concern. I wish you strength and wisdom in deciding what to do. Please keep me posted. I am sure others will soon respond and offer more suggestions.

This would probably be classified as financial elder abuse. Go to the police and/or the dept of aging and adult services of your father's county. etc. Taking advantage of one with diminished mental capacity... Of course, the cops may just think this is cute and snicker. "Good for the old boy, let him have his fun."

Run a background check on this gal. Does she have a real massage license, just for starters. If she does, report her to the licensing agent, the license could be revoked, thus she won't be able to open her parlor. Get the city business license people notified, that sort of thing.

Throw some monkey wrenches in to this thing. Perhaps she's done this before. (Is she Roma by any chance? That's the sort of scheme they are known for.).

You might also contact your father's bank and let them know about this woman's maneuvering. They may have ways to deal with this, and THEY can report suspicious activities to the authorities.

Sure you'll get other suggestions. You may want to have the county sue for conservatorship to protect his estate. Sounds like you suing for it would be too problematical.

WOW this really sucks...amazing that he is still hot to trot at that age....must be the last stab before the ship goes down syndrome. I would say as the others (micro nailed it on the head)...that try to do the court thing and if that does not work, then get ready she will clean him out, so your siblings better worry if they think there is any inheritance (does he have a life insurance policy $$$$$) that they will be left out in the cold, cause she could have him alter his will. What a cow...shame on her nasty a$$! I bet she has accomplicases! I feel for you, not something you should go through when your folks are in their golden years! She will clean him out and then file for divorce in some other state and yep you will be left still wiping his penniless butt. Too bad they don't have rat bait for this size of RAT!

I am now dealing with the aftermath of my father's poor decisions and helping him to get the care he needs. He too allowed a woman 25 years younger - he was in his late 80's - to move in and lied about their relationship. She was just there to help him, right?. She had been married 6 times. She isolated him and alienated him from his own family. With his stubborness and his need to be in control, he failed to see that this woman had total control over him. After he disinheirited all of his own children, revoked POA from a sibling, re-wrote his will leaving her everything, cut off all communication with us, we let him be.
They married soon after all that. And that's when she went to work on him. She stole tens of thousands of $$ from him, perhaps, no quite sure, drugged him, began a deliberate plan to drive him crazy and paranoid, and when he kept on living she got tired of it all and went to the local dept of aging and said she was leaving him and initiated guardianship by the state. He's legally blind so he could not be left alone. He only knew what she told him.
He was removed from his own home and placed in a nursing home under temporary guardianship. What was left of his assets was frozen and they had POA and control of his bank account. She must have thought she was home free. However, she didn't have any plans in place to leave and even her own children wouldn't take her in. As desperate as she was to just walk away and take at least half of his estate, she didn't count on any of what was to happen.
He contacted me just before he was removed from his home. We had had no contact at all for 3 years. I was so angry and hurt with him I went into therapy. I learned to live my own life and was fine during that time. The first time he called he was incoherent, somewhat understandable, and I wasn't going to interfere. But he is a human being and my father. So while he is in the nursing home I continued to talk with him once a week. He became more & more coherent and began to understand that his so-called wife was the source of all his problems. He started to cooperate with the dept of aging, they got him a lawyer and he was in court a few days ago. He had gone through 2 days of a psyche exam and found to be competent. He is still sharp at 94 but I think he's still restoring his health.
I went to his hearing to determine whether he would be under permanent guardianship or if the court would rescind the guardianship.First time I'd seen him in 3 years. Wow, he had really gone downhill. He was declared competent and was free to do as he pleased. Unfortunately, the wife is still living in the home and he will be spending more time at the nursing home until he can regain sole possession of his home and get her out, arrangements made for in-home care and a divorce filed.
I say all this to let you know that there is hope for elderly folk who made terrible and deeply hurtful decisions to "come to their senses". It does come with a hefty price to pay - and I mean that not just financially but rebuilding trust with what is left of his family.
I just couldn't not help though my efforts are more geared to getting him the help he'll need than just accepting that we will welcome him back into our lives as though nothing has happened. He hurt all of us deeply. The woman he married did such damage to us all, I simply want her out of our lives so there's the possibility of rebuilding the trust and love we once had. Without going into to detail, this outcome is quite probable and will happen soon. Too soon to tell how long it will take, if ever, that we can be a family but I am glad to be helping the old man.
We're all vulnerable at some point but I believe that no matter how hurt and angry we are, extending some kindness to folks who were foolish is a good thing. We've all been foolish at some point. Try to remember this as you go through the very difficult times.
And lastly, I am an atheist so this has nothing to do with the forgive and forget crap. It has everything to do with being a human being and being kind to yourself and others. When a foolish person is in the throes of foolishness and it gets ugly, be good to yourself, live your life, and let the ugly go. If you are lucky, the fool will come around. If it doesn't happen, you will be ok and go on with your own life. You can't make someone change, they have to want it themselves. Honestly, I did not think in all these years my father would change his mind. I am glad he has for his own peace of mind. The "Serenity Prayer" is quite quite appropriate in these situations. Just be good to yourself.

Thank you all (from original poster) for all your care and support. A lot of good suggestions out there. My brother has Power of Attorney (or atleast he did-when Dad was in rehab. I unfortunately have an apt. in the same building as Dad and being kept away from him is disgraceful. My other siblings hundreds of miles away I think have given up on him and don't give a hoot. This golddigger has had 2 engagements to 2 men (both old enough to be her father) in the past 18+ months and now is taking Dad for the ride of his life. She can do know wrong and hates me-I can tell. I will do a background check on her-but he will probably not listen to anything I say-basically "It is none of my business". I am at the point that he has ALL he has got coming to him and I don't care anymore-like the rest of my siblings. He has always thought with the wrong head and was always traveling (not around) when I was growing up. Expensive diamond purchase today, just bought 1/2 of her property in N.C. (through her attny) and engagement party in 2 wks. He is set on marrying this woman. Perhaps I should be saying the "Serenity Prayer".

I agree wholeheartedly with all above. This is both elder abuse and scary. Do all you can to protect him. However, if the courts deem him fit and say he has a right to make his own decisions, then you need to distance yourself from this mess (perhaps the siblings caught on to his self-centered behavior long ago.)
Do not make yourself sick over this. Your father has a compulsive need to be self-destructive. Please do not go down with the sinking ship. And even if he does figure out that this girl is a walking scam and gets rid of her, do not jump in and become the unpaid help again. Set up someone to clean, do errands, etc. Bolster your self-esteem before dealing with him again. Take care.
Good luck..let us know...

Call the police immediately. YOU don't have to handle it yourself, but get the authorities involved. This woman is a criminal and should be behind bars pronto. This is the kind of situation one reads about in the newspapers, it's that serious. Get it? She is a criminal, so let the authorities get going on her. Also call Dept of Adult Services at the same time.

Your father's affections are long since down the drain, seems like, but it would be nice to have this babe taken out of circulation. google this headline "Young Vixen Scammed Old Men" and you'll find lots of juicy terms to describe that what gal is pulling. Oh, this is a good paragraph from this article.

And did you know that "Under the provisions of New York State’s Hate Crimes Act of 2000, enhanced charges can be filed when a defendant commits a larceny and selects his or her victim because of their age which is defined as being 60 years of age or older"? This is totally Law & Order: Elder Fraud Unit.

Please act on behalf of all elders who are scammed in this way. If I'd known some of these things when I began caring for my mother, I wouldn't have let me sisters scam my mother out of her credit card, loans they refused to pay back, forged check, etc. If I had even heard the term "financial elder abuse," these tragedies would not have happened. But "Mom said it was OK" line got them thousands and thousands. They should be in Jail, but I'm left holding the bag for all of Mom's care while they were let loose, scott free.

Let's not have that happen to this bombshell. REPORT NOW, and have the law deal with her. Your father can just get over it, and perhaps get the mental help he needs.

YACHT:

In my culture, we refer to these men as "viejos verdes." The older they get, the younger they want them. Even when they know these young vixens are taking them for a ride, men like your dad feel more virile and "powerful" in their company.

He might go from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde when he drinks but the bottom line is that they're both consenting adults and there isn't much you can do about it except get indignant and grossed out by the age difference. You you can't save people from themselves, especially those who can't see the forest for the trees. Sometimes they hit bottom and instead of picking themselves back up they start digging a hole to China in their relentless pursuit for immediate gratification, fulfillment, and happiness. You've tried to help him see the light (whatever light that is); it worked for a while, now it's happening all over again.

If she's in fact a gold-digging trickster, she'll be gone when he's down to his last $50. Just pray he doesn't put everything in her name. If he becomes so broke anyone who tries to mug him is just practicing and she still stands by him no matter what, then it's love or sheer stupidity.

You can't talk sense to a p___y-whipped 80 y/o man. His brain has fallen by the roadside somewhere. In the meantime, check up on him every once in a while to make sure he's still breathing. Definitely love him, but leave him alone. Try not to worry so much; he'll call when he finally wakes up. For now he doesn't need you, so take it as a blessing and find something else to do with your time.

-- ED

What about Power of Attorney, can you get that?

The brain he's thinking with is a little more south of the border I guess.