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Carol
Carol
msbuschs, you really need to take care of you right now in spite of what your family thinks. If you don't take care of you; you won't we well enough to do anything for anyone so either way they will have to handle things without you for a short while. If they cannot understand this that is their problem not yours. You have enough to deal with. If they cannot do it they as well might have to have your mother placed in a facility where they know exactly what to do for Alzheimers patients. Thats what these facilities are for and you should not feel guilty about it either. None of us know what we will endure in our old age and we can only do so much for another person regardless if it is a parent or spouse. Alzheimer patients are very hard to handle after a certain point. I took care of my MIL and after a long period she had to be placed to. It is sad but it is necessary. For their well being as well as the rest of the family. God bless you all for the wonderful jobs you are doing God will never give you more than you can handle without giving you a way out once the pressure is too high. It is written. Love to all neon
My mum suffers with 3 forms of arthritis and her right hip and knee are bad and she finds it difficult to walk. S€he has diabetes and is on tablets yet she is forever eating cakes and biscuits. She wears 2 digital hearing aids, has spondiitis too. She goes on about people thinking that she is mad or lost her marbles and I respond to this by saying she is the only one saying that nobody else!!! I seriously hate listening to this childish behaviour as this is how I see it. She acts really childish and I say tell her she is just attention seeking. I can't help it that's how I feel. It has been going on a very long time now. It got worse when she lost her husband of 3 years who she'd been with for 6 yrs in total. I couldn't have been there for her any more than I was yt she turned on me and has been doing ever since. She doesn't do it to anyone else - she is nice and polite to them which makes me feel like she hates me. I have not seen my mum for a week now since she physically threw something at me. I don't want to be in the positon where I have to call police or social services. If I mentioned anything like that to her she would flip her lid and tell me that I am trying to say she is mad! I am walkin gon egg shells and I've told her she has got to change or I am leaving for good. I know you may think that sounds heartless but I have been helping my mum as much as possible for 7 years now with NO help and I know I can be very impatient and I have tried to change that in myself but I feel like I am the one who is bending myself and she is not even trying and she is just getting worse! None of my siblings help and everytime I have asked one of my brothers for help - he falls out with me and stops talking to me - his way of getting out of responsibilty (ignorance is bliss eh???). I dont speak to nay one of my sibling s now and feel so alone.
I do appreciate this help and am very grateful to an American guy who gave me this site come here for help. thank you my carer friends.
Another characteristic of those with NPD is to make their targeted person feel like they did something wrong, or are lacking in some way, and to feel really bad about themselves. Kind of like mirroring what the NPD secretly feels, but hides behind false superiority. Childishness, or dependency and irresponsibility and laziness are common, too. And you are right on target with the attention seeking observation. It's classic NPD.
Other characteristics include not caring for any but themselves, lacking empathy, and not even caring for their own bodies. I'm just a daughter, and dealing with a very sick-minded, emotionally abusive mother, so I don't pretend to be able to diagnose yours. But you're describing what I know well. You may want to research this for yourself.
The sibling issues are an entirely different story altogether. They, too, have been affected by your mom, and have chosen to walk, as well. (Not necessary abandon you, so much as preserve themselves.)
NPD is a mental illness, to be sure, and often goes along with physical ones, even causing them, at times, if I'm correctly interpreting the research.
You are a good daughter, and a dear, brave soul! It is a difficult road, and will probably get much worse (for your mom). But there is hope for you. Though you may feel alone, you're not entirely. There are many people, here on this site, and others, who understand, empathize, and can be supportive to you. And as you become stronger in dealing with your mom's condition, some issues with your siblings may resolve themselves, as well.
If your Mom is not a danger to herself, then you're not neglecting her by walking away. That is a healthy response. I always feel better with distance. But if she needs help, rather than "turn her in," find someone who can help her. A social worker can provide you with resources and direction that will help both of you. It's important that you also take care of you, both emotionally and physically.
Believe me, your observations are real, correct, and you can trust your instincts. I needed a diagnosis from a Speciality Clinic to authenticate what I suspected for years. NPD demands others stay in denial, like them, and hide from reality. The truth will set you free. Embrace it. Your mom's more than just physically sick, and she knows which of your buttons to push. You can change that. Definitely take care of you. From your strength, you'll be better able to deal with her. Prayer helps, and I'll be praying for you.
Also, calling social services isn't "turning her in." They will find help for her. Since you are the one she abuses, they will be able to handle her. If you decide to do this and she abuses you for it, what's new?
If you can handle her the way you are, and keep your sanity, that's okay. You are the one to decide. But please take care of yourself. Be sure to check back. Most people here understand.
Carol
We have managed to get passed the issue- she is in the assisted living now. I do know though that she is still very annoyed with me; I don't have much worth in her eyes. It doesn't matter that I have been 100% mentally involved fovever, because I don't live nearby- I'm not worth much to her.
You are worth more to your mom than you know or she wouldn't be so annoyed with you. So stop beating yourself up. You have family responsibilities and she knows that. You have done what you can and sometimes we can't please everyone all the time. The choice you made is the one you had to make. She will be fine in due time. She is just in her own world .
My mother lives with me and she is a NPD person. For the time being to relieve my stress, I stopped asking her to be a part of the family months ago. She is happy staying in her room like a teen ager, watching tv, eating candy, reading the enquirer and globe, playing solitare, coloring and whatever else she does in there and that is just fine with me, I know at some point it will get worse but for now this works for both of us. She just wants a place to stay she doesn't want to be bothered with anyone else asking her to work, she is lazy lazy lazy and always has been. I do not blame my siblings, as in the post above they are protecting themselves, as children we went thru alot. Stuff kids shouldn't have to deal with and stuff that should be basics for kids we didn't have but we survived and made better lives for ourselves. Also, you will find with people who have NPD, they remember things the way they want to not the way it truly was and you can't fight that. The best thing to do is forgive it and never bring it up again. Mine likes to live in the past her past its like she never was a mother, its just about her and it's always been that way a long time ago I suggested she talk to someone and her doctor agreed and she flew out of his office like she had wings funny how her back didn't hurt that day until we were alone and she could move Oh boy could she move anyway I deal in reality it is what it is and I can not do anything for someone if they don't want to help themselves. So I go about my job, my church life, my son and my husband not necessarily in that order and life is better that way. At first I felt guilty but guilt is a useless emotion. That is the way she wants it and I am not going to do anything except make sure she has shelter, warmth, air conditioning, food, transportation to her doctors visits and shopping once or twice a month. When the situation changes than I will deal with it in the best way I can and not feel guilty. After all she has to live with decisions she has made in her life whether she remembers them or not. Good luck to you and again know you did what you could and you can't be everything to everyone. First and foremost your kids need you the most. God Bless