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The good part is that I have a wonderful boyfriend of 15 yrs and our relationship is nothing like my parents. I have very good problem solving skills, and I became a strong person, unlike her. I am honest and I care how I make people feel. Most of all, I found God.
My brother turn out to be just like her. I thank God I was not her favorite. It destroyed my brother's life.
And I will do something great with my life. As I said before, she took my childhood she can't have this part of my life! Because I do know that I am worth something!
The other daughter has had multiple failed marriages and she lives away but plays narcissistic games herself, I think without realizing it. She has two young adult children but was never very motherly I'm told.
My husband can't have a normal marriage with me because he feels like he's being unfaithful to his mom by being with me. He married me late in life and had no previous marriage or children. He feels angry and resentful chronically.
Now that she's 91, I give what I am comfortable without caving to her tactics. It's not easy because the grooming from childhood is deep seated. I read a great deal about narcissistic parents and how to cope, talk to my support system, and get help when needed, for myself and for my mother. I rely heavily on her doctors and they have allowed me to meet with them privately when I'm concerned about manipulation, pretend illnesses, etc. Amazingly, they are very aware of her tendencies and lend lots of helpful advice and stern admonishment for my mother when needed. She has no one else so she is stuck with me on my terms now. In her case, she is reaping far more that what she sowed and deserves. I would have gone no contact had it not been for her sister, my beloved aunt and godmother, who lived with her until she passed. I figure I will honor my aunt and see this through to the end, making the best of it that is possible. I wish everyone here the best and to regain as much of your life as you can and to be good to yourself. None of us deserved this.
God bless you.
I am the scapegoat definitely! My mom & sister are like twins. My sister is a narcissistic just a clone of my mom..she hasn't worked in over 10 years. Has 5 kids. She got caught twice for welfare fraud. My mom thinks the best. Plus she's a bad addict. Who expects my mom to spend her 600 dollars from social security on her & her kids. While I'm treated like trash. I lost my daughter in a car accident 14 yrs ago She was 4. I NVR got to grieve. I have 3 other kids. I have never expected or asked my parents to help me with. After losing my daughter I got hooked on opiates. After 9 years I got clean. My 5 yr Sobriety date is Aug.26th. I got my CNA license back & work at my localhospital and e.r. I helped my mom out. Took her shopping..paid for stuff & took her out to eat,etc. Never expecting anything back. She tells me stuff that my sister says this & that. I finally told her I don't want to hear it. I moved out & got a place of my own. I don't care if my mom gets sick or whatever. I just can't take being abused by her anymore. 38 years is enuf. She's got her golden child. And I'm getting peace back in my life.
Yes I am grateul. And I'm VERY Grateful that I have found you people on here too.
Johnk6749
I felt the same way when I read the same list. I think they studied my mother too & made that list based on her.
Be grateful that you "discovered" her problem (and how it shaped who you are) at 43. Some folks never realized what was going on so didn't have the opportunity to correct it.
Now, you've got (at least) another 43 years to make your life better by having this knowledge. (Therapists can help you straighten out what was a very 'crooked' life.)
Lets hope the next 43 are a WHOLE lot better than the last 43! 👍🏽😉
John: I'm sorry you've found yourself as your mother's sole support. My mom too has run off everyone except myself and my sister. No one can stand being around her, and she's mystified as to why. It must be very strange to not be recognized by your own mother, and as her sole caretaker, a lonely job indeed. Even when we recognize what happened, it's soooo hard to reconcile our hearts and minds.
The mind understands. But the heart still mourns what never was nor will be.
Your comment of no childhood truly rang a bell. Childhood? What was that? I raised myself and did a poor job of it. "Took care" of Mom, too. Being brought up by a narcissist distorted my sense of self to the point, where essentially I didn't know where my mother ended and I began. She groomed me to think I should "stand still" while she used me as her punching bag. She was jealous of all my loves and friendships and sabatoged as many as she could. I call her the love thief. When I got a little older I rebelled, but that only resulted in crazy, abusive punishments that whipped me back "in line." Unfortunately, I made a hasty marriage to escape. Big mistake. I compounded my problem with a borderline husband with narcissistic tendencies, and of course I never got "away from" Mom.
Apparently narcissists can't be brought around to recognize their problem. They see themselves as blameless. Any problem is always your fault; anyone's fault but theirs. It's truly a shame, since the damage they do is so destructive and far-reaching. Years ago, before Mom developed dementia, I tried to get her to join me in therapy. No way. She insisted there was "nothing wrong" with her and psychotherapists were "quacks." So I moved on without her and glad I did. She is still a narcissistic nut job but no longer capable of subtlety. At 92 is is quite overt and in your face with it. She'll go to her grave thinking she's the sun and the rest of us are planets in her orbit.
I wish their was something that could be done with narcissism that would work or take their craziness to a tolerable level. I I'm beyond drained.... I'm absolutely ok with the fact that I'm no longer her pca ... I knew deep down this was gonna be short term. Her narcissism is just unbearable. I can only love her from a distance. I feel uncomfortable talking about my own mother. But it's the truth...i feel like she robbed me of my childhood. And becuz of her craziness & abuse I went & married 2 abusers...smh... I'm 43 & just realized this.
I'm so sorry you lost your precious daughter. Unimaginable. (((Hugs)))
I wish modern psychiatry could find an effective treatment for the histrionic personality disorders or better yet preventing them, like a vaccine (just kidding). As so many have expressed, the effects are far reaching, generation after generation. The disorder is so ingrained in my 92-year-old mom that it still predominates, even in mid-dementia. I had once hoped the narcissism would diminish as her dementia progressed, but so far this hasn't been the case.
At a very young age I made a poor first marriage to an abusive man with borderline personality disorder, and paid dearly for it. Talk about jumping from the frying pan into the fire. A narcissistic mom and a borderline husband. Imagine the possibilities. We live and we learn.
Mom's personality disorder has caused (directly or indirectly) so much dysfunction in our family: enabling behavior, crippling anxiety and depression, substance abuse. It's an evil, corrosive legacy.
Key words for recovery are establishing Boundaries with a capital B! Limited or No Contact if necessary. Be safe. Be strong. Be well.
RUN...and never look back!
🏃🏻🏃🏻🏃🏻
Blessings
Thanks for your kind thoughts. Glad you have a good therapist! Doing the work that comes with therapy is hard, but so worth it!
These daughters had either one of 2 kinds of mothers: the smothering kind or the totally neglectful kind. Those with the first can't dissolve their enmeshment, sometimes even when their mother is long dead. Those with the second kind feel worthless. Some of these daughters have mothers who swing back and forth between smothering and neglect, creating chaos and confusion in the daughters' minds. They have no idea what to expect or when. What "motherly guidance" they do get is a pack of lies.