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Your kids don't get to call the shots in your marriage or in the rest of your life, either. Be honest with them. Don't they know that he was drunk every night? If they don't, tell them. Inform them that you did your duty as you understood it to be throughout the ordeal of your marriage. Now you are asking for their understanding and love (understanding that they apparently are giving to their dad despite his past behavior).
I wouldn't blame you for never going to see your husband. What's the point? The marriage appears to have been over for a long time.
When FIL's first leg was amputated she told the care team she WOULD not take care of him and placed him in a nursing home. She was fine with the plan to spend down their savings to pay for his care when Medicare ceased. FIL had anesthesia related dementia post amputation and could not follow the transfer steps.
Two of her sons were outraged, my husband was not because he knew his mother was serious and he doubted her capabilities to care for her husband due to her mental illness issues. The other brothers secretly removed him from the nursing home and dumped him back with their mom saying it was her job to take care of him. Neither hung around to help, both lived several states away.
Their story took a twist as MIL's vascular dementia went hardcore. Husband and I had to move both of them into a nursing home in our state. FIL and MIL's siblings wanted them kept apart on different wings as they had endured years of the two hating each other. All of the elderlies felt the other family was to blame.
MIL ( mid stage vascular dementia) refused to be in a different room at the nursing home and kept crawling into FIL's bed. The nursing home put them in the same room and they were very happy together - for the first time in decades. Lasted only 5ish months as FIL launched himself out of his wheelchair, tore his intestine and was placed on hospice as no surgeon felt it was responsible to leave him in his demented state with a colostomy bag.
MIL mourned him for about a week before coloring her hair red and looking for another nursing home partner.
Continue to take care of yourself. No, you do not need to visit this man every two weeks if you don't feel like it. You dedicated fifty five years to this man, please don't give him the last years out of dedication.
After what your husband has put you through for 55 years, you don’t have to adhere to what your children want you to do. Tell your children that you are done with the hurt and pain that their father has put you through and you are now going to find YOUR happiness. Tell your children that their father is all theirs now and they can go and take over his care. It’s time for YOU to heal. It’s time for YOU to find the peace and happiness that YOU deserve. DO NOT feel guilty about walking away because when your husband was putting you through the psychological pain, he did not feel guilty. It’s sad that you did not walk away from this marriage years ago, but it’s not too late. You can now live the rest of your golden years in happiness and peace.
Please stay strong and do what’s best for YOU. If you care to go visit your husband you can, but you don’t have to. Praying that you will find the peace and happiness that YOU deserve.
Interesting that all four of the daughters have been divorced 1 or 2 times, suddenly the light bulb has gone on.
This mentally level is a throwback to 50 years ago when "Daddy" was the "King" of the castle and whatever he did was just fine, as the little woman was to accept it.
If your children don't like it that you are finally standing up for yourself and doing away with the servitude role that is their problem not yours. Let them visit him and take over his care.
Do what is best for you, the clock is ticking, we only have one chance at a good life, don't miss this opportunity.
Sending support your way.
Tell them that you and your husband were lost to one another long ago.
And I would imagine your husband is increasingly more lost now even to himself.
In all truth, he may now be given some of the most non-judgemental love he has had in a while, and he is in a whole new community (such as it is).
And that you hope they will continue any loving visits to him that they wish to make.
But that you now, finally, at 80, will be making decisions for your own peace and well-being.
For me, had I chosen to stay, I would own that.
I would take responsibility for my choice in the matter and tell myself ALL the reasons I DID stay. I would then forgive myself. Because having children and choosing to leave something financially safe isn't always an option for many. You did the best you could. You are STILL doing the best you can.
I would tell my children that I have made choices for my own life, and that they will have to live with that as I live with their given rights to make their own choices in their own lives.
I would invite my children to go to Al-Anon with me; there I would seek support and community.
Then I would make the decision I felt best for ME. I have been to Al-Anon in the past. They were wonderful support, non-judgemental and helpful; and you will find as many divergent opinions as you find in your own children, but the love and community is an awning over all.
I wish you the best. Your husband is in care. My brother was once in an abusive relationship in which his partner would abuse him and then come back begging. When finally my brother had the courage to leave this needy man he cried to me "But who will take CARE of Jose" (who was then ill with HIV. I told him that I as an RN could assure him that Jose would receive the loving care of the nurses and aids in the medical community. Your hubby will have that as well.
I hope you'll update us on your journey. Best to you and my heart goes out to you. You will receive a whole lot of criticism. They will tell you that you did not leave when he was well and you can't while he is ill. But the truth is that you cannot save everyone. Sometimes you can only swim for shore.
Tell your kids they can go visit him all they want. You put in 55 years of service, including raising them while under a dictatorship. I'd guess you kept your suffering hidden from your kids as well.
Go only once a month, if even that much. Enjoy your last years of life in peace...you have earned every right to do so. The kids can take their "expectations" and shove them.
Keep taking care of yourself! Not your fault he drank or has Alz. He is 100% responsible for his bad behavior. Liquor tends to kill/damage brain cells, why people have bad headaches when hung over.
Stay strong and keep going forward! Best of luck to you.
You need to protect yourself financially as well as emotionally.