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Hi and sorry if this is all over the place. Im not in the best head space. For the last few your i (33f) have been taking care of my dad (62). He is having memory issues and arthritis pain. He has been kicked out of many doctors for bad behavior ranging to spreading lies or screaming at staff. Yet he refuses to help himself by moving. He sits on his bed all day watching tick tocks sometimes not even eating. We usually end up in screaming match once a day. I also have MDD or bipolar 2 my doctor and i are trying to determine which one. Living with him has gotten to the point that daily life is one big panic attack. How much money did he spend, has he eaten, has he taken his meds, what am i going to be yelled at today ect. Its gotten to the point i dont want to wake up in the morning. Yet i know with how he acts and his memory issues no one i know will help him and im his only child. I cant get him in a care unit since physically he is fine, money issues, his age, and knowing he will put up a fight that im not prepared for yet. So what can i do? How can i get even a little bit of a break and still help him? I feel like a bad daughter asking but i cant take much more. I just want to have a day to relax from my two jobs and not have to worry or tense up about him. Has anyone gone through something like this that can offer advice other then advil pm that is lol? Once again im sorry for being all over the place. Thank you for you time.

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Why are you living with him and taking care of him?
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Littlebird13 Oct 1, 2024
From what the doctor is saying he has dementia or "memory issues" as he keeps calling it. We live in our family home with my grandfather who is amazing. I love love where i live and am happy with my life here. Its just hard with him.
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Move out and retake your life. His foolishness is not your problem. You do realize he could live for another 30+ years right? How do you think this will play out when you are in your 50s? 60s? Abandon ship now while there is still time.
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MeDolly Sep 30, 2024
Yes my mother is 99, he could live a real long time. I agree she needs to move out and develop a new path for her life.
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Are you currently being seen by a mental health therapist?
I think this very complex and likely not new relational difficulty is beyond what advice a forum can provide to you. There will be many complexities we cannot be aware of. We don't know you, don't know if you are working and have friends and other family support. Nor do we know your father, nor anything of your past relationship long term. Even were we to have all the fact in this, we aren't trained in mental health issues.

For myself I can only wish you the best and ask that you reach out for some talk therapy and for some guidance options to step out of habitual ways of behaving, so that you can move on and make a quality life for yourself.

It is unlikely your father will change. It is unlikely you can help him, or he you. You may in fact both hinder one another in recovery and best options. But habits, even bad ones. represent the "known" and the "known" represents "safety". There are few things so hard as stepping out and exploring other paths to wellness. It takes tremendous courage. I wish you the best.
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Littlebird13 Oct 1, 2024
Me and my doctor have been trying to find a therapist that is in network and will take me. Till then he has me journaling and cognitive therapy. I am quite happy outside of this. I work two jobs, i also live with my grandfather in the family home, and a small group of friends.
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Please realize your obligation is to find your own path to wellness. Your father isn’t likely to change, and he’s not your responsibility, no matter if you’re an only child. You’re an adult, and need to build a healthy life. Make the changes you need to heal, refuse to stick around to be yelled at, no one deserves that, no matter the cause.
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Littlebird13 Oct 1, 2024
Thank you. I'll try to step back and see what ia nest for me.
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Please consider contacting a resource focused on aging and caregiver support. The ADRC-Aging and Disability Resource Center could be a good starting point for you--they are located all across the United States https://www.usaging.org/adrcs Since you did not say where you live, you can also Google search ADRC and the state and county you live in to find the nearest location.
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Littlebird13 Oct 1, 2024
Thank you very much. This will be a big help.
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I would agree with those who say to get out while you can. My ‘young’ parents when they were in their late 50’s early 60’s settled into the ‘we’re so old!’ story and here I am 35+ years later taking care of my irresponsible, arrogant and entitled father. He is 97 and I believe has the ambition to outlive (and thus out compete) his remaining children. The only good that has come of this is the realization that I will never, ever do this to my kids.
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Reply to BelleAnnie
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You need to think of you and your health first and foremost. You need fly the nest and move out and gain a independent life. A discussion with your father telling him that he needs to step up his responsibility to help himself is required. It seems like you and him are very co-dependent on each other and that needs to stop. There are many aging groups that he can use for resources and it does take leg work on his and most likely yours to gain independence from each other.

You cannot change him but you can change you and you must do so in order to become independent. Get into therapy in addition to working with medical/mental behavior doctors to find the right combo for your diagnosis. Good luck.
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Littlebird, you are talking out of both sides of your mouth when you say below in a response that you "love love" where you live and are "very happy" with your life in your family home.
If you are so happy where you're at then you will honestly never seek to change the situation even though you know that you really should and really need to.
Your dad and your grandfather are NOT your responsibility. You need to grow up and spread your wings and fly.....as far away as possible from the dysfunction.
You obviously are very co-dependent on your dad and your grandfather and that is not healthy at all.
So for your own mental health's sake I do hope that you'll look into moving out sooner than later and get on with living and enjoying the one life that you have.
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