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I used to worry about not living a long life. Now I am worried about living way too long.
Maybe you can see a lawyer about drafting a Health Care Advance Directive. Or just talk to a lawyer . Good Luck
My sister was so tired and neglected that she only lasted another 5 years. I've been terrible about taking care of me as well. Saved by being a little bit younger and a husband is on a similar path (but is a MUCH better person. ) However, if I don't somehow figure out how to put my own wellbeing first, I may not make it as long as Hubs does.
I've come to say in the US we are very good at prolonging the dying. I'm not sure I agree we are good at prolonging life.
There has not been any cases of dementia in my family (at least from the most recent). My grandma had six siblings, she and a brother and sister made it to adulthood. Her sister had diabetes and a leg amputation and lived into her late 80s, at her own home with some home health. I guess my family is fairly long-lived!
I have a brother who is now in his 50s. I am the baby of the family at 37, my mother is 75 (doing great no major health problems except a bit of arthritis and heart burn). My sister died at age 45, but she got lung cancer and was a meth addict, otherwise I think she would have lived a lot longer. Neither my brother or I have children. My sister has a son and a daughter. It's a weird pattern in my family. My grandma was the only one of her siblings to have kids, my mom the only one out of her siblings to have kids (she has a brother and sister who are still alive), and then my sister is the only one who had kids.
We haven’t even retired yet . We won’t be 60 until next year . I feel so bad for those of you who are older than me and have had to deal with that stress of caring for parents. (((Hugs to all ))). It’s hard for everyone really to be a caregiver . Married or single people. Young people with growing careers , kids etc .
I know my parents and my husband’s parents enjoyed their whole lives and almost their whole long retirements without those worries . For some strange reason , they realized and acknowledged to a degree near the end that it was hard on us . We still have one more stubborn parent left who needs AL . We are in the waiting for “ the big fall “ stage . They didn’t know to worry about it , because they did not take care of any elderly relatives .
We just don't hear these stories of early deaths on Agingcare because everybody comes here to vent about their mother's or father's living forever.
Ironically, I was adopted into a family who ALL lived to ripe old ages. I cared for my mother with dementia for 10.5 years who died at 95 years old after being diagnosed with dementia 6 yrs prior. If your mother has vascular dementia, the life expectancy for it is 5 years or so. So she may be closer to the end than you think.
Stop propping up her illusion of independence in IL and let her fail. That will get her into Memory Care Assisted Living much faster and lessen your load some.
Take care.
I hear what you are saying about needlessly prolonging poor quality life by extraordinary means and totally agree with it. Mother, unfortunately perhaps, had a very strong body which didn't need any help.
By the time mother died I was over 80 - my caregiving days extended well past my expectations. Apparently that's becoming more common - seniors looking after ancients. So what do you do about it?
I had to suck it up and do what had to be done, to see that she had good care. Was it hard on me on top of a lifetime of dealing with a mentally ill mother? Yes. you bet it was.
I also had to look after myself and I recommend that to you. I had a life separate from my caregiving, sig other and I travelled...You say you are depressed - then get help for you so you can deal with whatever life brings to you and your mother. She may live another 10-15 years. How are you going to cope with that?
On the other hand maybe you are just venting and that's OK too but remember there are several of us here over 79.
Believe me you have my sympathy. I thought mother would never die - or not in my lifetime. If I had to do it again, I would put me first more often than I did.
I want to add this - that some of the comments here smack of ageism. Aging is hard. That's reality. We look at ads and see silver haired, trim and active seniors, as if that's the norm. I don't think so. Old people don't conveniently pop off when life gets difficult for everyone. Two of my kids either don't want to or are not capable of caregiving me. One says he will but isn't good at communicating with me. OK. That hasn't spoiled our relationships. I am glad they are honest and so far I look after myself just fine and expect to for another 10 years anyway. It's something I work for by taking care of myself and arranging my life accordingly and. no doubt, good genes on both sides help. My younger than me sig other wants to but has his own health issues these days so I am not signing him up for anything right now.
Longevity is increasing globally. Health care needs some adjustments in how seniors are treated. Those kind of changes don't happen quickly. Speak up where you can make a difference. I am reminded of Kermit's song, "It's not easy being green". It's not easy being old either. Perhaps you will find that out too.
It would be nice for everyone involved , if adult children could remain being an adult daughter or son and not the perceived disrespectful, disobedient child (caregiver) .
She’s always favored my brother who now (along with wife) take care of her. I pitched in for awhile but moved 3 hours away a couple years ago. I visit occasionally for a long weekend and by the end I am ready to go.
She does have a part-time caregiver weekdays. She goes to my brother and wife’s home on the weekends. I suspect they’re tired of taking care of her and they must resent it. I feel for them but it’s up to them to deal with this. My brother has medical and general POA, is in charge of her finances etc. SIL is co owner of her bank accounts. I never have been part of all that. This was hurtful at one point but now I just feel relieved that I don’t have to deal with all that. There is almost no communication between my brother, SIL and me.
My mother never helped care for her parents when they were aging. They died at 78 and 82.
I don’t get how this can be considered any quality of life. It’s been going on since before the pandemic! Does it matter these days? Seems we at the point where we medicate and impose on others to live as long as possible.
Your profile states she is in Independent Living. If you are doing so much caregiving that it’s taken such a large toll on you she’s clearly not living independently and should be placed in a more appropriate facility.
While it was a shock, in some ways it was the best way to go out. She’d had to place her mother (dementia) in AL and then an NH. Her mother was well cared for, but it was so hard on my MIL to see her in such bad shape. I know she didn’t want her kids to experience that.
But I get what you mean. Why are we
extending life when such people have no quality of life?
Many survive even as the diseases and treatments take their toll on the body and mind. Eventually it’s not about grandma making it to the wedding or birthday, it’s about how everyone else’s plans are affected by grandma and her oxygen and her depends and how she doesn’t want to go in a home.
You aren't alone. I know that doesn't help, but reading here you know you aren't.
Meanwhile, my parents are 93, with more issues that require help/care seemingly every day. I am at their home every day to help with something. My mother is recovering from broken ribs from a fall, we're caring for, trying to heal a venous ulcer on Dad's ankle for over a year - it has finally shown improvement the past couple months.
We had been caring for my 97 yr. old mother-in-law until she passed in the fall.
They all lived and enjoyed their lives in retirement when they were my brothers and my ages, were never called upon to be caregivers like this.
I know this sounds bitter but it doesn't seem quite fair or something, I sometimes wonder if the stress of caring for his mother (she was a pill) contributed to my husband's death - of course I'm still grieving so...
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband .
I agree with everything you have written here .
Are you getting help for yourself for depression ?
I agree it seems like nobody dies at 79 anymore from reading on this forum . Last year the cardiologist recommended a pacemaker for my 89 yo FIL with dementia . Luckily FIL said he didn’t want any procedures done anymore. 6 months later he stopped walking. Legs just very weak . He was very angry about that . He ended up dying soon after he stopped walking from CHF , COPD and Covid. I’m glad he did not live much longer after he stopped walking because he would have been miserable. He was so fixated on walking and not ending up in a wheelchair.
Since my mother has her faculties, she decided to have a pacemaker installed last year to extend her life. Good Grief!
She will run out of money in 2 years, then onto Medicaid we go.
My mother is extremely self-centered, cares about no one but herself, she is very demanding and makes my brother crazy as she is also a nasty belligerent "B". I haven't spoken to her in 14 years nor does anyone else in the family, my brother is the last of the Mohicans, basically he is stuck with her.
She has said to my brother several times that she wanted to die so he says "Then why did you have the pacemaker installed"? No comment from her.
I support my brother behind the scenes, I am the one who moved her from NC to FL and found the home that she is in. I handle the business end of the family as he has no clue. Believe me, we battled her for 10 years to move from the mtn's to Fl. It was war.
Stepmother is in MC, she has a son who does nothing for her, he hasn't seen her for 30 years, lots of drug issues. So when the stepfather died we ended up making sure she was taken care of. She is 85, her mind is toast.
Unfortunately, she could still live for years. My brother and I are stuck where we are until both are gone.
I am 76 and would like to be free, but it is not in the cards right now. My father died at age 84, his parents died in 1965 at age 77, that was old for that time frame. My father was a heavy smoker & drinker until he was in his 60's.
My brother and I are tired and would like this all to be over, been going on over 5 years, at one time we also had his father in AL, he was totally deaf and on dialysis, had cancer, now that was a real trip! There were 3!
Time for both of them to go to the "Happy Hunting Ground" although I see no relief in sight!
My mother has a pacemaker too.
I want to be free too.
I told my husband yesterday after another fun filled hour visiting my mother that I wished she would just die already because I hate her guts. He was horrified. There’s no compassion left in me anymore. She is 95 and doe noIt have dementia. She actually might be nicer if she did.
I told 2 collegues.
A. Said you know empathy has been lost & the selfishness of dementia has started when they put their own needs before a grandchild's.
B. Said he hopes to have expired before his brain shrinks to that.
So what's better? A frail or painful failing body with a fit brain VS a fit healthy body with a shrunken brain like an inflexible rock.
All I can say is your not alone. My mom's 87 I'm 60 and I had a melt down, hearing stories of people in there 70s taking care of there 100 yr old parent. But it has helped me tremendously listen ing to others stories. And I'm trying to figure out away to have my life and care for my mom though this form , now before I'm 70 and she is 97 . This forum will help you with that.
Nothing about caregiving is easy. Good luck, and take care of you
I just read your profile. Sounds like you have gotten the run around for quite some time. I’m really sorry that you are going through this situation.
I would feel the same way about having your mom moved from Independent Living to either Assisted Living or Memory Care.
Do you have to stay with your mom’s current doctor? Is it possible to switch to a different doctor that would actually listen to your concerns?
I can’t answer your question about life expectancy. I can tell you that there is longevity in my family too.
My mother with Parkinson’s disease and dementia lived to be 95! Her brother lived to be 96 and several of my great aunts and uncles lived into their late 90’s. We also had an ‘energizer bunny’ (my cousin) who lived to be 101 and several other cousins who lived past 90.
Rant, vent and scream all you want! We have all been there in our caregiving journey.
Wishing you peace as you try to sort through this difficult situation with your mom.
In both my mother's and father's families it is normal to die sometime between 70 and 79. My mother's sister is about to turn 86, and that's setting a record. My father died at 53 of cancer, and my mother's brother died at 51 of stroke. Lots of cardiovascular disease on both sides.