By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
You can call APS, but I would be concerned that they might see friction in the family and file in the local court to have a so-called professional guardian or conservator appointed, taking control away from both of you.
You might itemize the issues and present them to your brother, and try a conciliatory approach to get him to recognize the danger he's creating. I suggest this b/c it would be better if he could be made to realize the treacherous path he's navigating and work with you instead of against you.
Since he's a professional, try a business type approach, i.e., a situation exists, we need to discuss and resolve it, amicably, and both of you need to find a solution Before someone outside the family does. Let him know that EMS and hospitals are mandated reporters and must, or may already have, reported the diabetic episodes to APS.
APS may have to be involved if his behavior continues to be neglectful of your mother's needs. And if this happens, he could be out of the picture, even for visitation. (I've seen that when I worked for an attorney involved in guardianship and conservatorship.)
I know this sounds naïve, especially since he's the one who's out in the world earning presumably big bucks. But given the danger of another diabetic emergency, and the possibility of both of you losing control, trying to reach an accommodation stance is better. If you can't, then you can share that information with APS if you call them, but do be prepared for them to conclude that the situation between you and brother is not a workable one.
You might also share the information with the doctor managing her diabetes, and ask for a written guideline or instructions that you can show your brother.
You also might try to explain that to him, i.e., that HE's caused these emergencies b/c of failure to comply with medication, that the medical records will document the details, and that he could be considered negligent if he fails to follow proper medication and care procedure. I wouldn't think he'd want to deal with legal charges against him; it would affect his employment record.
And remember, if he's proxy under a legal or financial POA, that doesn't give him authority to ignore medications or make medical decisions on your mother's behalf. And that might be a "step-down" alternative for involving APS; instead of removing control by either of you, they could "counsel" him and advise that his "care" needs to be compliant with your mother's needs.
Another option might be for him to "help" with financial contributions to pay for care in a facility where he can't meddle or ignore her care needs. That might put some fear into him and shake him up a bit.
That's also a concern regardless of your brother; is she living alone? Is she able to manage her meds if you or brother aren't there? Is there any consideration of in-home help for her, since she refuses an outside placement?
Who is her Medical, not financial, POA?
What does MOM want?
If mom is "competent" in the legal sense, what SHE wants is what happens. If she is resisting care, then there is little that brother or you can do about it. Until she ends up in the hospital with some crisis; then you call in the professionals to help with determining what level of care she needs.
Is she "just" diabetic? I seem to recall that she has pretty significant dementia, such that Hospice was recommended when she fell and broke her hip.
I would use her next hospitalization to get the discharge planning department involved; you need to point out to them that she lives alone; people with dementia cannot and should not live alone past the early stages: she desperately needs medication management, and how can that best be accomplished.
I could be completely off-base here; maybe your brother is a penny-pinching jerk, but the fact that you state that MOM "will not" accept the idea of AL tells me that there is more than just brother being stubborn here, maybe.
Rather than APS, have you considered calling the local Area Agency on Aging for a needs assessment, or asked her doctor to order one?
In all likelihood, they would find that mom is no longer able to live alone, and might get a temporary emergency guardian appointed so that she can be removed to someplace safe.
The choice, in caring for stubborn, noncooperative parents, is between keeping them safe and keeping them happy. Read Atul Gawande's On Being Mortal for a full discussion of that topic.
Is your mother on insulin? That can make managing medicines much more complex. You say you see Mom at least once a week and that brother is seldom around. Is she supposed to be managing her medications on her own? And she has dementia? Yikes! A blood sugar level of 27 -- OMG -- do you suppose she took more insulin than she needed? Did she take her usual insulin dose and then not eat anything? I imagine that your Mom takes meds more than once a day. Not being able to take her pills correctly is what finally determined than even with all the support we arranged for her, our mother could no longer live alone.
Good luck!
Yes my mom is insulin dependent. Yes she lives alone by her own choice. Yes she has a caregiver 2 days/week 4 hrs/day. No they do not help her with medication. Mom fired her previous doctor who recommended nursing home OR hospice care for medication management. So brother takes her to his personal doctor. Sister in law handles the caregiving agency. Both refuse to communicate with me - tell me I’m crazy and start BS. Yes I know all the doctors orders will be in the records, that is what I rely on and comply with at all times. My mother gives her own insulin but when she is sick she does not eat yet still gives the same dose. I have her in my home frequently for days at a time - this time she admitted she was “upset” the night she took too much insulin. She has used this a manipulative tactic before. There is a psyche issue here too. Thank you for all your responses. I will re-read and study them on my laptop. And then comment and ask questions tomorrow. It’s been a long exhausting week. Thank you.
This is the mom who caused your marriage to have issues, and who was unsympathetic when your poor son died, right? Yes, there is a mental health issue. She isn't going to change. Neither is your brother.
I'm so sorry for your troubles. Take care of yourself.
Take care of yourself, my dear. You have a lot to heal from.
If you do step back as others recommend, I suggest you do so with a notification in writing, documenting instances and emphasizing that you are stuck with the responsibility w/o cooperation from those who have legal authority.
You never know when your brother and his wife will create some unpleasant event or unfounded charges if you stand up to them.
Protections and remedies under the order are somewhat similar to protections available under Iowa’s Domestic Abuse Law. This includes protections for personal safety, safe housing, and also protections and remedies concerning financial exploitation. Examples are:
Restricting defendant’s contact with the vulnerable elder to stop abuse, harassment, intimidation, etc.
Moving the defendant from the elder person’s home or requiring the defendant to find housing for the vulnerable elder, and
Requiring the defendant to return property or funds as well as prohibiting transfer of funds and property. Just a word of caution if your mother refuses to cooperate with APS their is very little they can do. Sure they will file the paperwork and make a recommendation but that is about it. This is why I always considered APS kind of a bad joke.
Money back, why hassle with it? Explain to court the responsibilities you have assumed, and the fact that your brother isnt there a lot. Let him answer o. His own behalf and try to justify why you have had to assume all the responsibility for her care thus far and how he plans on changing that in the near future. If she wants him. Then, you need to decide, is his level of care sufficient? Neglectful? Etc. All and all, this is your choice to make. Would it bring about WWIII? Or...there is a hotline you can call. Do it anonymously, and put this all on someone elses plate, decision to make, it wont fall back on you ad far as upsetting them
EMS probably reported it to the hospital same as your mom.
Some may not know, but when EMS and/or Fire respond to these calls, many take a note of living conditions as well as the health and well being of the person the call is for, and they'll report what they find to the hospital, and let the hospital take it from there.