By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or
[email protected] to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our
Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our
Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
I know how you feel 'cause I felt that way too when my 94 yo mom (stage 6-7 Alz) was living with us. Some days I thought I'd really loose it when she'd scream at the top of her lungs. I started doing that too. I felt like I was going insane. Wonder what the neighbors thought?
It doesn't help that I've felt more anxious in the last 2 years with other family member stuff. I made a very poor decision to bring my mom home with us when her rent went too high. Her living here only lasted 3 months but it felt like 3 years. It really is too much for one person (even with hubby's good help and a night time c/G4 nights a week) to handle. It is a "going out of your mind" situation. We couldn't sleep-let alone together in the same bed. It started affecting our marriage (he couldn't stand to see me so stressed). He was the one who suggested she live with us in the first place!
We found another memory care facility that she can afford and we moved her there last Friday. It feels like a vacation, it's been quiet and no breaking our backs or going insane with her confusion.
The only way out (other than drugs for her and/or you) is to put her in a facility. We need to give ourselves permission to live our lives the way we have chosen. God knows, I'd NEVER want to do this to my son. Just put me away and check up on me occasionally.
I feel for you. Good luck.
(Begin rant:) It is a soul-deadening task taking care of bpd/narc elders who believe they are entitled to your help. My dad tells me all the time he “praises god for giving him a girl so he could be taken care of in his old age.” It’s my “duty to honor him like jesus obeying god to give his life for us all.” I completely hulked upon hearing that. (Thanks for turning god into a narcissist and making jesus a poster boy for child abuse, old man.) As soon as he’s eligible for asst lvg or NH, I will have no qualms about placing him. (End rant)
Small acts of kindness do wonders for one’s brain - releasing hormones to improve the mood, lowering blood pressure, generally making the world a better place.
I *know* I am being more than charitable to my father, and to purge myself from his vile attitudes, I go out of my way to help strangers, even if it’s as simple as holding the door open for them. Tiny kindnesses like this keeps me (almost) sane and (mostly) humane.
Seriously, I'm just trying to make a joke about this to offer some light banter and raise your spirits. And just as seriously, I think mood swings and quick responses when provoked and aggravated are part of caregiving. We're often pushed to the limit yet still expect to work like pack animals. Of course we're going to burn out.
If it's any consolation, I'd become annoyed when someone has provoked me, especially like the manipulative control freak who loves to complain about my father's front yard and ask why I don't clean it up, to HER specs.
And you have a high level of conscientiousness about your mother's welfare, so you're thinking of her and her needs probably most of your waking time. And from what you described, I think your mother knows this and knows how to "pull your chain."
Can you hibernate in your room and just chill out? Just getting away from your mother for a while will help. But I have a feeling she'll create some reason for you to come out and attend to her.
It isn't pleasant to live with someone who you absolutely dread and who watches the most dreadful TV. :-P
Reading your post I can't help but remember how awful things were about 3 years or so - I'm still surprised mom and I survived
Last spring when the nurse from her LTC provider came to do the annual assessment she said something kinda interesting in that little outbursts are healthy better than keeping it bottled up -
If that's the case, then that might explain why mom at 94 hardly has any wrinkles
Of course I'm turning into more of a crone with each passing day
If at possible, send mom to adult day care, or get a caregiver a few hours a week and get yourself to lunch or a movie, the gym or anything
I read something last night about frontal dementia. One of the characteristics of frontal lobe damage is the loss of empathy and knowing how to treat other people. I have a feeling I've been getting too big of doses of frontal lobe damage for one person to deal with. But then I look around at all the people who are waiting in line to help. Sigh. It is discouraging that the world is so cold.
You found a way to circumvent the whole issue.
She didn't bent you to her will; you found a way not to allow that to happen, by removing one of the tools she could use. You disarmed her.
Is your soul really in a bottomless pit? Or did you circumvent that by removing the book?
I won't deny that I have difficulty and work on not letting myself become a victim, so I try to think of ways that I've maintained my independence and am able to see both sides of a challenging situation. I don't always succeed, but I try.
Congratulate yourself on defusing a situation w/o revealing to your mother what you really did with that book!
I’m sorry you feel she isn’t able to go into AL...which is where she should be. When a person has dementia they are no longer capable of making rational decisions. As the POA, we have to make those decisions. Being a part time care giver is hard enough but I can’t imagine being a full time one!
JesseBelle, you never mention that you have a safe space to vent and unload. That is what a therapist is for. Do you see one? Yes you can unload here, and that is helpful because we "get it". But it would be good to have someone there who is objective listen to you. The other thing I’ve learned is not to bottle it up. We all know you can’t argue with someone who has dementia so we bottle it up and diffuse the situation. So that has to come out somewhere. Go someplace...even if you drive your car to a park and scream and get it out and say all the mean and hateful things you feel. Our brains are affected by this too and that is not good. So take care of yourself. Do you hire people to come and stay for you to get away? If not...you need to. You are important and matter....really more than your 90yo mom. My dad is 96 and says he wants to "go" all the time and I say "take him"...he’s had a good life until the dementia. I am still young (65 -ha) and have the right to enjoy mine like he did. He thinks he was so good to his mom...ha! Popped in to see her in the NH on his way to work for 10 minutes. Whoopdie-do!!! He hasn’t a clue. And after his last mental fiesta...I say "come already Jesus...what is taking you so long?" There..I said it.
See All Answers