Do you have a positive story to tell about your family members who lived out the remainder of their lives in a facility?

Daisycat here my mom is 91years old.She lived by herself in her retirement apartment until may of this year. She was showing signs of dementia and hearing people talk to her.She would not shower or do anything she did not have to. She just snapped.She was hospitalized for a week when the doctor said she needed skilled nursing care.I am her power of attorney and I made the choice to put her in a skilled nursing facility which is absolutely wonderful. My mom is better off now than she was at home and I don't worry about her being taken care of because I go to see her a lot and she is thriving. She has never ask to go home. I realize there are some bad facilities but I have no complaints about where my mom is. When a person can not function by themselves then it's time for them to go where they can get 24 hour a day care. There is no way I could take care of my mom. So when the body is worn out we need help and being in a facility is not bad.It is the lifecycle and if we live long enough the same will come to us.

My brother and I fought with my mother to go into AL for years, finally got her placed as she had a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night, kept calling the EMTs.

Guess what she loves it, no longer alone, made new friends and more.

She is 98 and still in good health!

To quote her " I wish that I had done this 10 years ago"! Grrrr!

When my mother entered a NH after a broken hip repair at age 90, I'd read that the vast majority of folks of her age and with her medical profile (mild vascular Dementia and CHF) live for about 6 months.

Mom lived quite contentedly for 4 1/2 years there.

It wasn't perfect. But they gave her wonderful care.

If you look up the recent stats on the number of assisted living facilities and skilled nursing homes are available in the United States it will show you how much they are needed.

There are over 18,000 nursing homes and over 30,000 assisted living facilities currently in the United States.

More assisted living facilities are scheduled to be built. It’s an investor’s dream!

People are living longer than ever. It isn’t feasible for family members to be caregivers forever.

In most cases it truly benefits everyone to make the decision to arrange for care outside of the family home.

Way,

You mentioned on another thread that your FIL calls his facility, God’s waiting room.

There is actually a British comedy called, “Waiting For God.”

The story line is set in a very nice assisted living facility. It is British humor at it’s finest! I have watched the entire series. If you have a BritBox subscription please watch it. It’s hilarious!

All of the characters are fabulous.

I can tell that I am predominately British. My mom’s dad’s side of the family came over from England. I definitely have the quirky, dry wit and laughed throughout the whole series.

My mother did better once I placed her in AL . At home she was living on cookies , losing weight , more confused, declining fast . Once in AL she ate better , walked better , was less confused for awhile after eating and rehydrating . Eventually the decline continued from dementia . She even made friends . She was no longer alone. She sat by the front door of the facility and people watched who was coming and going which I knew she would do .

My father was actually happy to hear he was moving from rehab to an AL nearby. He said, "Wow, that's a nice place!"

Mom, who complained bitterly while on CRUISE SHIPS, didn't want to move in with him from IL bc she "didn't need" AL and couldn't stand the man. She wound up being the Belle of the Ball and the schmoozer of all schmoozers who led the gossip groups and was first in line for all activities and trips. She could eat like a truck driver and was able to order as many items on the menu as she wanted. Their apt was a large 1 bedroom with a kitchen, staff on hand to clean, do laundry, and help dad with ALL of his care needs. Mom too as hers piled up.

My father came from Italy as a child and wore cardboard soles on his shoes bc they had no money to replace them. My mother thought she was a queen and deserved to live full time in a penthouse at the Waldorf. But the truth was, their AL was like a hotel in many ways and offered them a lifestyle only "the rich" could afford.

They were fortunate to have had the opportunity to live in AL and to be cared for as beautifully and lovingly they were.

If I had the funds and the need for AL, I'd be happy to move there myself.....in a heartbeat.

My husbands grandparents remained at home, mostly independent until their mid-90s. They are a year apart. Right as the pandemic came on, they started having more problems with falling, etc. My mother-in-law, her sister, and DH and I to a smaller extent began having to check on them daily. Grandma could no longer cook, or do more than minimum ADLs. Grandpa suddenly became ill with a cold, as did grandma. But grandpa basically took to bed, stopped eating went on hospice and died within a couple of weeks. So checking on grandma daily continued. Finally, she had a series of bad falls, and hospital trips. One trip, she broke her femur and had to do a rehab stay at a nursing home. But it was the last two almost back to back falls that finally made the doctor tell family she could not live at home anymore even with family stopping in daily. So she went into a nice assisted living this past spring, as she was about to turn 99 years old. I can’t say that she is exactly happy, because she misses her husband so badly and wonders why she is still on this earth. But she finds the staff in the facility Nice enough. She is content knowing that some of the burden has been lifted from her daughters. There have been no problems other than a few very minor glitches in the beginning as far as getting her medicines and such worked out. Moving her to the facility was a good thing.

My dad is getting way better care than he could at home. I would not write that it is happiness he feels but I think he is content knowing that he is getting cared for properly. His needs are being met.

My dad has made the best of the situation, enjoys being with the other residents and participating in the parties and games that they do with them. The grounds are beautiful and in the nice weather we could take him outside.

Before he went into the NH, we had caregivers that were taking care of both our parents. As time went on my father's care was too much for them, and they really couldn't do it anymore. My mother wasn't getting any help from them anymore.

My DH’s parents moved into a great NH, with separate units looking out over tiny gardens, and a back access corridor for staff. DH died three weeks later after falling off his scooter, not taking account of the ‘new’ terrain. MIL lived to 96. She lost a lot of weight but was still more or less ‘with it’. She died suddenly in the night. The night shift staff checked her at 11pm and she was fine. Checked again at 2am and she was dead. We were all very lucky, including her.

We had a pleasant low-key wake/party in the big activity room at the NH. My daughter brought her brand new baby, which provided a really happy note. Then cremation without a ceremony, and the ashes of both DH and MIL were eventually dropped into the sea by the sons from the jetty close to where their parents lived most of their lives. I think that’s as good as it gets.

My mother has been in a facility for 3 and a half years as it is the safest place for her. There is nothing wonderful about being totally dependent on others having lived a life of independence, but keeping her safe is priority. She has no other options as I cannot care for her.
Typically, people place their loved ones in a facility because they have no other options. I know that if I made the decision to look after my mother, I would be divorced, alienated from my own kids, have mental and emotional issues from not doing the things I love and be financially insecure.
My mother likes where she is as she knows the staff and has a nice room. She likes having more people around her as well as some level of social interaction which she wouldn't get anywhere else.
So, yes, there are people who have had positive experiences, especially in comparison to other options.

I know one woman who voluntarily placed herself into a facility because she said that she was very lonely being at home alone.

I am friends with this woman’s sister. Her sister told me that her sister never wanted to be a burden on others and that she wanted to have a social life.

She wasn’t able to connect with others being at her home. She lived farther away from everything and didn’t drive any longer. She was more content living in a facility than she was at her home with a caregiver.

My good friend "Julie" agonized over what to do about her elderly husband "Joe" who couldn't get around well and kept falling down. He'd had a transplant that had saved his life but left him with various deficiencies. He refused to use his cane or walker. He sometimes fell head first into the planter, the shower, etc. She was very sick herself as well as demoralized from the years of caregiving.

Finally he agreed to go live at the VA hospital. She commenced treatment for her illness without the strain of taking care of him. He loved the VA hospital. He'd served overseas and found buddies that he could play cards with, go on trips downtown with, and hang out with onsite. Julie visited at least once a month, though it was a far drive. She said it was a wonderful place for him.

Her health began to improve as his worsened. He never moved back home. He lived there for about 10 years, into his 90s. It's a sad story, but he was where he needed to be, and according to her, he enjoyed it as much as anyone with his health issues could enjoy anything. The alternative - keeping him at home - might have resulted in a dead Julie and an equally dead Joe. We will never know, but I do recall how grateful I was that she hadn't insisted that she was going to keep him at home forever, so help her God.

No not really. I mean I CAN find positives about the nursing homes where family members spent their final years, but like Alva said, nobody ever goes into one because it's going to be a wonderful experience, it's just the only option for the hand life has dealt.

I had a family friend, "Seaforth." His wife died when he was in his 90s. He missed her terribly, and his kids didn't like him living alone, so he moved to a small local rural elder care center. He had one smallish room, there weren't a lot of activities, and I wondered what he did to pass the time. As it turned out, there was a lot of going into town, visiting friends in town, and sitting and visiting with other residents. His family stopped in often, and when I went there with a friend, he treated us to lunch in the dining room. The food was amazing - home-style cooked and served with cheerful remarks from the staff who clearly doted upon him. It was one of the nicest lunches I ever had.

After lunch, Seaforth took my friend and me on a hike to a local attraction, which was a waterfall. He was more spry on the hill trails than I'd expected. When we got back to his place, he introduced us to his girlfriend, "Wallis." She was about 30 years younger and crazy about him. They made it clear that marriage wasn't in the works, but they loved each other and spent every spare minute together. When we drove away, Seaforth and Wallis were holding hands in the old-fashioned porch swing and waving to us.

Seaforth lived there until he was 99 and passed away peacefully knowing he was loved. He was so much better off in this facility than he would have been in his own dark outdated house with sad memories, no one to talk to, and his family showing up once in a while to stash casseroles in his freezer.

It depends...positive for whom...family or the person being placed?

MIL literally and figuratively fought her placement. Up to her being put on hospice, MIL hated the MC facility and tried to escape every day. But her placement was the best thing that ever happened to us as a couple (it saved our marriage) and family.

While stressful at the time, overall the guardianship and Medicaid processes were successful. She was well cared for and was safe. We tried to keep her home but with Capgras, lack of resources and living in a rural area, there were no other options.

I wouldn't say it was a positive experience but was better than the alternatives -- every other sacrificial lamb given for her end of life.

So yes, the placement was a positive overall. IMHO, if one is unsure, choose placement.

When dear friends (as close as family) both developed health issues in their mid 70s, they sold their house and moved to a church affiliated continuing care community. They had no children, and their family members lived in adjacent states. Their new home was a beautiful stand-alone house on a street with many similar homes. The houses were in a former fruit grove and it was picturesque scenery. They ate in the dining room in the main building; two meals a day were provided under their plan. They enjoyed the activities, such as day trips to the beach, entertainment at the local college and civic auditorium. They didn't have to drive themselves anywhere, as transportation was provided. Laundry and housekeeping were provided.

He got dementia and she took care of him at their house. When she couldn't any longer, he moved into the memory wing of the big building that housed the dining hall, rehab, and other amenities. She could walk over to see him, eat meals in the unit, and spend as much time with him as she wished. The care was excellent. The attendants had known "Mr. Edward" for years of seeing him around. She had health problems after he died, and an alert button that she pressed when she fell. They'd come from the main building to pick her up. She stayed in her own house until she suddenly became very ill and was taken to hospice in the nearby medical center. She died at 84.

Shortly before she passed, she told me, "I never in my life expected to have such great care at the end of my life. I never thought I'd be so lucky as to live in a place like this."

Positive? As in, "Golly, my parents never knew what happiness is until they went into care"?
Nope.

No one goes into care with joy.
No one PUTS anyone into care with celebration.
It's kind of like saying "Golly; have to have surgery. So glad".
Not everything can be fixed. And giving up lives to the fact that aging in this country now goes on for about two decades? Not a good choice, to my mind. I wish we could be issued a final exit pill; on us if we wish to take it or not.

Going into care is about making the best of the only choice left.
Like my brother said: "It's like when I was young and in the army. I didn't like it. But I made the best of it". Indeed he DID. He sent home most of his pay to go into savings and he was known as "the banker" to his friends, that guy who would make them a loan until payday--interest free. A gay man, he got through it all well liked in a time when there was not even a protection like "don't ask--don't tell" and he got through it with grace and honor.

When he fell ill with early Lewy's his people in his last little community all wanted him to stay. He couldn't drive. Oh, D., let us take you to the store. We can easily take you with us. We will help. Your Sis is only a one hour plane trip away; she will visit" and on and on.
But he KNEW he would go from friend to burden because that's how all that worked. He made his own decision to go into care. He learned to laugh, to joke, to visit (was always so monk like, almost reclusive most of his life). He went to movies and learned to like THAT as well.
He became more tolerant of peoples' foibles and could mediate when Irma wanted the blinds up so she could paint and Marie wanted to them down to prevent glare. Again, he did it with grace. That's who he was. He got through until he was able to make that final exit he so longed for when a small unhealing wound on his shin went septic and vanco couldn't help. He explained what the world looked like with Lewy's Hallucinations. He could have been a teacher. Sometimes Teepa Snow had nothing on him!

D.'s facility in Palm Springs was wonderful. GREAT workers who looked on the elderly as their vocation, who loved them. Who cared for D. and for his ex long after D. was gone. I can't tell you how much I admire them, how inclusive and good to me they were, and to D.

Was this heaven? Nope, heaven was his last little community which he had always wanted to live , which we had walked through year after year, where he was perfectly happy and at peace for all too short a time.

So no, not stories of how lovely it all was. Though some did tell me that seniors improved in care, and D. did in fact. Fewer hallucinations. He didn't have to worry about bills and what was coming due; I took care of all that. It was a relief for him, though he continued to love getting his monthly report from me. One of the gals who worked there told me that she teased her hubby every night that she was ready and wanted to enter care and paint stuff.

My brother was a waiter all his life. He loved homes and he would buy a down at the heels down on her luck oldy and bring her back to glory, sell and move on. I told him he should do it with dollhouses; so much less work. He clipped coupons and saved for his age FOREVER. Taught to save from being a young boy, as was I, and to share and give to charity, as was I. He lived a full and happy life and saw so many changes; saw a gay man run for president. Something he could never ever have imagined.

I got no complaints. He didn't either. Oh, maybe the occ. complaint of too many corndogs and not enough fresh veggies, you know? Of Marie and Irma bickering in the common room. It's like a 60s commune" he would say. That sort of thing. Life. Just life. You've all heard these stories from me a hundred times too often.

You always bring to mind so much in memory for me, Need. Thanks for the question!

One of the first things that comes to my mind is that we will all die. Either we choose where we will live out our remaining time on this earth or someone else will choose for us.

I can think of far worse places to die than being in a facility.

I pass homeless people on the streets on a regular basis. My heart goes out to them and I give money to some. It’s truly heartbreaking to see those who are homeless and struggling on the streets.

A facility provides care, food and shelter. So, I wouldn’t consider it to be the absolute worst place to be before I die.

My uncle didn’t want to go into a facility. All of my cousins were working full time and couldn’t care for him. His needs were extensive.

When he went into his facility he met other WW11 veterans and was well cared for. In fact, he lived for another two years in a very good skilled nursing facility. He died at age 96.

I do believe that most people will acclimate to their new surroundings.

Sure, there will be people who will be miserable but many of them were already miserable before they entered their facilities. They will never find peace of mind no matter where they are.