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"Thanks so much for your sympathy and understanding. I'm sure you are right that I've waited too long. It really doesn't matter, because she's still gone. Here's the kicker -- BIL had the "undertaker" (his word, not mine) send the funeral bill to me."
You're confusing grief with anger. You're angry with BIL, and you should get therapy to learn to let that go. It tears you up, doesn't faze him, and it besmirches your sister's memory.
I can also tell you that a year after death, no one's clothes still smell like them.
That said, I don't think you have any legal recourse now, 18 months later, against this man. Not to mention, he's probably disposed of all of your sister's belongings anyway by now.
What he cannot do, however, is get rid of YOUR memories of her. Those you will have forever because they reside in your heart. Remember her as she was before the FTD took hold of her. Because that's how she is now, at perfect peace and whole once more.
My deepest condolences over your loss. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.
If my brother predeceases me, I would offer my help to my sister in law, but would not expect to have any say in his funeral planning. I would not expect any of his possessions, I cannot comprehend any circumstance where a sibling would expect anything.
Unless a person has preplanned their funeral and paid for it, it is up to the remaining family ( spouse/children) to make a bunch of tough decisions in a short period of time. With the funds they have available to them.
You paint your brother in law as a monster, perhaps he is. But your demands to have been included in funeral planning, going through her possessions are unreasonable too.
It would have been nice if ur BIL allowed you something of your sisters. But, he was her husband and as such, is in charge. If she died without a Will the husband and children come first. Parents and siblings do not factor in unless there is no husband or children.
I am so sorry you have been treated this way. But BIL holds all the cards. In our Wills its says what is yours is mine. Meaning at one of our death's, our children are not beneficiaries. The remaining spouse will have to do his/her own Will to leave the estate to the children.
I would hope that when ur sister was diagnosed with Dementia that Wills and POAs were done before she worsened. You can go to her County Probate and see if a Will was probated. If so, its public and you can see if you were a beneficiary. Probate in my state can be closed after 8 months if no one contests the Will. Once closed, there is nothing you can do. If she died without a Will, her husband can become an Administrator having the same responsibilities as an Executor. The difference being that the State steps in and determines who is beneficiary.
I think you have waited too long.
She was so young and that makes it harder to process, IMO.
Have you had any grief counseling to help you move forward? You should seek out grief groups if you haven't.
I want to say that caregiving for a loved one with dementia is one of the hardest things to do. I am not excusing your BIL for his actions but, he may have had very valid reasons for not letting you visit. When a dementia patient gets agitated from visitors, not saying this was the case but, could have been, it is easier on them and their caregivers to stop the visits. Routine and environmental stability is so vital for their well-being.
Whatever you think of him, remember that your sister chose him and stayed with him, he stayed with her and was her caregiver during a very difficult disease. In my book, that counts for a tremendous amount. I would forgive him and let it go for that reason alone.
I truly hope you can let go and move forward with your life and happier memories of your sister.
This, quite frankly is none of your business. If you were not able to visit with her, what makes you think she didn't change her mind about her remains? Perhaps it was too expensive for them? Perhaps husband done the best he could.
You need to let this go.... You sound like my aunt, who upon my mom's death made a big stink that she needed some of mom's possessions. She felt she was immediate family. She's not. Her husband and kids are. I offered a pearl necklace and earrings and a photo of mom from my inheritance as a good jestor. She turned it down flat. That wasn't good enough. She wanted moms antique rocker. That was my brother's and he refused to give it up. So, she got nothing.... what she legally was entitled to in the first place. She got an attorney. Just because she died without a will still doesn't entitle you to any of her possessions. Her kids were so embarrassed for what their mother was trying to pull. . I guess memories weren't good enough. To this day she refuses to talk to us when we all get together. Guess she still feels entitled to things that were never hers in the first place.
"In Massachusetts, if you are married and you die without a will, what your spouse gets depends on whether or not you have living parents or descendants – children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. If you don't, then your spouse inherits all of your intestate property.."
It seems that the only way you can get your hands on your sister's assets is that your/her parents get a share of those assets.
Also, here's more limitations on which assets can be transferred.
"Only assets that would have passed through your will are affected by intestate succession laws. Usually, that includes only assets that you own alone, in your own name."
"In Massachusetts, if you are married and you die without a will, what your spouse gets depends on whether or not you have living parents or descendants – children, grandchildren, or great grandchildren. If you don't, then your spouse inherits all of your intestate property.Jul 25, 2021"
As far as the cremation, the next of kin has the right to provide the funeral services and burial/cremation.
After the funeral, I didn't throw a tantrum or say anything mean to him. I paid my proper respects and went home broken-hearted. Really, all I wanted to know is if she even *had* a will (I tend to doubt it) that he also ignored. I don't want anything else (plus I know it would be impossible as long as he's in charge, which he will be for the foreseeable future).
Intestate Succession in Massachusetts | Nolo
They provide information on the succession rights of family when someone dies intestate (without a will).
Your profile indicates that your sister died over a year ago. It's possible her husband has already disposed of her assets.
However, since you're in Massachusetts and she died intestate (w/o a will), the MA laws govern who gets her assets.
Research "Massachusetts intestacy laws" to determine what rights you might have. If there are substantial assets, you probably would have to get an attorney involved (if one would take this kind of case) to get what might belong to you.