Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

Haha - Crowemagnum - you are so right! She would sit on her butt watching TV while telling him to go and get her a drink, ice cream, whatever. And he always complied. To his dying day, he was standing in the kitchen, with his walker and his oxygen cord, cooking dinner for her! He had to dye to get away from her!

dede, my dad did too. How he lived with her all these years I don't know. He would tell me sometimes, "She's been like this all day'. My sister and I both would at times tell her to quit fussing at him. If dad did stand up for himself, then it made her worse. He just let sleeping dogs lie. I miss him. You could talk to him and have an intelligent, reasonable conversation. Never could with Mom. He would compliment us. She never did. She grew up with no father ( he died when she was 9) and my grandma raised 12 children. Mom was the baby of the family. I assume grandma had to spread herself so thin that affection was scarce. We kids never got any from her growing up either but did from dad. Thank God for him. He left us in 2001.

All too often, it is the younger child who suffers more obviously than the older. Some of this guilt I believe needs to be discussed with your daughter and possibly son as well as husband plus probably a threapist. They will find it most helpful, I think, to know that you are no longer blinded by the fog and would appreciate their support for staying out of the fog. I think support is enough to ask from your children, but I think assistance would be too much. I think you and your husband need to agree that when he sees you getting lost, he has your permission to say something, and maybe as something as simple as a little phrase particularly if he is with you when visiting your mom which I would right now limit. For yourself, it might be good to come up with some one liner ecape sentences. One of my favorite is 'oh my, I have a very important meeting that I must leave right now to go' I wasn't lying for I'd drive a few blocks down the road, stop, pray a bit and I had my important meeting with God in prayer. Diversion like this is sometime a good tactic. Possibly, for the sake of civility the children could write your mother a thank you note, but I'd not get her on the phone or in the room with her. For right now, I think your husband should screen any letters from your mother for I know too well what that kind of personality is capable of writing. Anything like this would be better, if they are hateful and manipulative to be shared with their therapist or with your therapist for they will know how to handle them best. I'm just trying to help you cover all the bases.

Sounds like both of your mothers made your dad into more of a wife than a husband. Just curious, but how was their relationships with their own moms, and dads?

My father was one of eight children and went to work at age 12 to try and help put food on the table, being as he was born in 1930, it was ahard time. He grew up taking on the burdens of everyone else and was very quite and humble. I beleive that he had a good relationship with his mom, she was an awesome lady, but I don't know much about his dad as he died when I was very young. Yes, he was more of a wife than a husband and frankly, I believe that if he had been born in a different era, he may have been more inclined toward a different type of relationship (if you get my drift). But, he was a warm, compassionate and caring father to me. I could do no wrong and he and I were able to cry on each others shoulders about my mother over the years. I used to jokingly tell him that he'd better not die first.....but, obviously that did not work. I firmly believe that his death was hastened by her nastiness, although he did have COPD, I believe that he just gave up and welcomed the relief that death would bring to him.
Thank you for all of your advice about my kids and my husband. You must be a very caring husband and wonderful father!

My mom most likely didn't have much of an affectionate relationship at home. She was the 16th child of 16 children. My grandmother lost 4 as infants beginning in 1906. My mom was the last child (16th) being born in 1931. Her dad died when she was 9, leaving my grandma to raise the youngest 5 children alone. So my Mom had no father after age 9, and she married my dad in 1947 at age 16 (he was 23) and I was born when she was 17. Would be interesting to know how all this adds up to her being how she is today but am sure it probably does contribute. My dad was always a rock in the family to me (the oldest) and my two sisters.

Sandy48,

Your mom's childhood circumstances sound like she probably did not get much emotionally from your grandmother and definitely missed having a dad with it sounds like no one who could have filled in like a dad type or a mom type.

In my own childhood, I re-created my own family with parents and siblings that I picked out given the dynamics of my broken home and their pitful excuses of re-marrying.

I am so glad that you had a rock of a dad. With him being 23 and her 16, it does sound like on some level she was looking for the dad she never had and he was willing to play that role to some degree or maybe he had younger sisters and enjoyed the role of being the big brother person.

Crowemagnum, My dad was an only child. My mom was the 16th child. What a combination, right? My mom's family was so big that my mom was born the same year her brother's first child was born. My dad grew up with a loving mother and a stern father. He joined the Marine Corp when he was only 17, lying about his age to get in. He wanted to get away from home. It was difficult to get my grandfather to smile. Of course, I never knew my maternal grandfather. Due to this large family, I now have 43 first cousins but believe it or not, we never see any of them except at a funeral.

Dede,

Your dad and my FIL were both shy men. He did have a dad but their relationship was not good. He was so shy that he was known for going to hide when friends would come over to play. Talk about intelligent, he graduated from high school at the top of his class and I was around him enough to gather that he would have made a great architeck. However, he was not encouraged to go to college like his older brothers and sisters who did. So, he stayed home and helped with the farm.

It's clear to me that your dad lacked any real childhood. It is posible that his mother mgiht have spousified him emotionally to be her emotional support and to be her partner is helping with the other children.

The one thing that I have noticed in my SIL who as my wife's identical twin was raised more by their very nurturing dad is that she married someone needy who needed rescuing and somewhat effiminant which she later learned he has some orientation confusion.

Thanks for your compliments about me, but some of this has been better deserved since I stopped walking on eggshells myself back in 2002. My SIl, friends and therapists have said that in years previous and even some now I've had to be both dad and mom to my boys and sometimes to my wife. Her therapist pointed out to her that she was looking to me to be the dad and mom she never had. Given my own famiy of origin issues with a single parent mom who absorbed me emotionaly into heself and that did not change when she got married again, I had my own issues with boundaries and was use to intrusive people in my life. My mother was successful in keeping my dad from me for she wanted to raise me on a pink pillow and not as an all american boy like my dad did. Her pick of a second husband is a sorry excuse of an alchoholic man.

Unlike my mother, it took my dad over a decade before he got married again and he chose a vey dominating which of a person and stays with her out of fear that he might have another failed marriage.

She has so much control over him that I no longer have POA for him nor am I the executor of his estate, nor is he leaving me anything directly my with my mother, but his will says it goes to my mean step-mom and upon her death everything is to be divided between her two children and me. Sorry, but I've heard of wife's taking such wills after their husband dies and writting the other children out. I'm certain about the only reason she married him was for the money.

I've carried a lot of anger toward myself for not standing up like I started doing in 2002 with boundaries. My wife has benefited much from therapy and we are not albel to talk about things we couldin't like she had her mom in her head so much it was like being married to more than one person. There are times together as a couple that you just don't start talking about your mother because she suddenly popped in your brain. I've told her how abandoned I felt for years as if I was a single parent.

Well there are bits and pieces of my story all over this site and maybe you will see those posts in various places and some might even be on my wall.

Sandy48,

I could see why having a stern father would want to make your dad want to get out the house soon. I gather he and his dad didn't have a typical father son relationship. Contrary to the sterotypes of being spoiled some of us only children like myself are expected to grow up like little adults before we even have had a chance to be a child.

I get my break when my dad takes his nap in the afternoon. I catch up on my reading, watch a good movie or chat on the computer. It still gets to me sometime though.

Crowemagnum and Sandy, I am so glad that we have all been able to share all day. My husband has recently been transferred to Colorado and has already started his job there. We are still in AZ, but the kids and I are going out for spring break to househunt, etc. My mother actually had the audicity to tell me that we had better not buy a two story house cuz then when she comes to visit she won't be able to walk up the stairs to see the kids bedrooms! I told her that I would not be buying the house for her, but for us, so it didn't really matter whether or not it has stairs cuz she won't be living there! I was very proud of myself for setting my "boundaries" and I don't think I could have been so outspoken if I hadn't had all the wise words and encouragement from you all today.
Thank you so much. She was also upset that we are driving rather than flying and that I would be sharing the driving with my 17 yr. old. She doesn't think he is responsible enough. I told her that it was a good thing she wasn't going then since she wouldn't have to worry about who was driving. I also reminded her that at 16, I was already driving to ski resorts in the mtns. of Colorado without anyone to hold my hand (or to care for that matter). Anyway, I feel like I batted a thousand tonight.
Thank you!!

dede,

I'm very proud of you. It's sounds like you are well on your way to becoming a boundary setting "Jedie" who will help others as a F.O.G buster as well.

Have a good trip and try to leave your mom's feelings with your mom for your mom to work out. While we can be aware of how other's feel, it is not healthy to then also absorb it to the point it keeps us from feeling, thinking and doing as an idividual who is old enough to be on their own. I've had to learn this like many other lessons I post here the hard way.

Does your area have a "Faith in Action" people who volunteer their time to help out.

I don't know about "faith in action" - but she does live in a retirement community, so she really doesn't need me around all the time. She just WANTS me around all the time. I just can't wait to get in the car and go... unfortuately, i am still just a phone call away, but at least, there will be distance so that I can just hang up when necessary.

Dedestock, your statement saying "She doesn't need me around all the time, she just 'wants' me around all the time", hits home. Same with my Mom. She told me once that she didn't want to read, do crafts, visit anyone, watch TV, go anywhere. I told her that I didn't have time to stay 24-7. She said, "Well, if you don't have your kids, then who do you have." I told you I couldn't answer that because my sisters and I have husbands and kids and jobs. She would love for one of us to leave our spouse, get an apartment and let her live with us. Nothing doing! Makes me anxious just thinking of it.

What an elderly parent "needs" vs what they "want" is addressesed in the Book Boundaries in Marriage. My grandmother wanted my mother to leave her second husband and come live with her as an older woman. My mother wanted me and my wife to move to the town where she lives once I went on disability into a city with a housing depression vs where we are now and still are better off economically. My wife's mother would love for me and my BIL to drop dead or leave so she could have her two girls all to herself whom she never wanted to get married anyhow.

Sandy - whenever I tell my mom that I can't do something for or with her because I'm doing something with my "kids", I get the snotty little "Oh, your kids... is that all you ever think about is your kids?" She has even told me that I should be her first priority not "my kids".
Crowe-she hated my first husband and she hates my current husband, - she was a big part of the reason I divorced the first time. She hates my husband cuz he doesn't "kiss her ***" and has outright told me I should divorce him. She says he doesn't treat me nice and she has never seen him be nice to me. That is only because we are so stressed when she is around that none of us can be nice to each other since we are always anticipating which of our next words or actions are going to "set her off".
Sandy - makes me anxious too. Just typing this is making my heart beat harder and causing me to get short of breath. I always used to calm and upbeat, but 10 years of this has caused me to be anxious and depressed.

Dede,

I don't think this forum would allow me to express myself with the freedom I'd like to about your mom in light of what she did to your first marriage and is trying her d_ best on your second.

My not having a very good day at all, plus I'm almost feeling angry for you over this as well as how much it reminds me of various parts of history, it's very difficult for me to even be civil right now much less much of a refelective listener other than you say this much, "right you are d--- right to pay attention to you and your husband's children and to your husband for you're married to him not ya mama" I'm certain you are paying your children much more attention that she ever did you and you're a better wife to him than your mother was to your dad. That's eating her alive and I'd let her stew in for she made her bed, so let her sleep in it!

CROWEMAGNUM you are very wise

Hi All! I am a 55 year old woman who is taking care of my 94 year old very demanding mother, what's not to be depressed about? I have a great husband who helps, but let's face it, it sucks. I love her, but it sucks and I get depressed, get out move around, That's all I know.

Gardening has helped mom and me like you wouldn't believe. I've even started my very own garden in my own yard.

Miz:
I understand the feeling of wanting to have some space to call your own and needing to get out...yikes, I'd be like a caged animal after a week of what you are going through. I struggle with the guilt when I can't be there for mom too. I am slowly learning that feeling guilty about doing what I need to for me is wrong. You have to take care of yourself before you are any good to anyone else. I try to remember to remind myself of that when I am having a good time away from mom. I hope that helps...

Tom

Crowmagnum is very wise and over the last few days I've learned more from him than I thought possible! Having been through most of this himself and made it out the other side, I listen closely to what he has to say. Doesn't make it easier for me to do... but does make me think carefully about my choices and how to deal with things.

Yes, oh yes, oh yes. But my depression is morphing into what I've heard called- HYPERVIGILENCE. This is usually a sympton of Post-truamatic stress, but for some reason, I am becoming overly concerned, anxious etc. with everything. the down-side is that after a certain point, I hit a wall and begin to feel as though it doesn't matter at all what I do. Keeping a balanced mindset about the whole situation is becoming harder and harder.

This is nuts that are parents are doing this to us....damn do we deserve this. I think this is torture to the utmost especially if it goes on for years and years. That is why I never moved in with my mom after my dad died...she would have loved that a built in slave. That's the whole reason why I escaped in the first place. I was never treated like family but like a stranger. I could not wait to get out. I always thought that when my mother needed it that she was so ill I would move in and I thought almost I needed to do that last year when she went a little mental...but glad I decided not to...for the 4 weeks I was on Family Leave seeing her we fought constantly she still had a lot of power...now 6 months later a little less power but still that mouth can flap and flap and flap. Still cannot bear to move in with her she is overbearing and controlling master of quilt complexes and manipulation and nutz and un-educated about a lot of things and has things all twisted in her mind of how life should revolve around her. I can't stand it I hate it, I do the best I can to make sure her house is clean, she has food and she has some caregivers, but the mental hell is the worst.

Pirategal-keep to the resolution! Moving in with my Mother was the absolute worst decision I have made in my lifetime. Our mothers sound like twins-and take it from me, you don't want to be living with that person.
I cannot imagine what I could have been thinking; should have just left her in rehab after her breaking a hip and let some other sucker take care of the witch.
My health is declining, I have aged 5 years in 1 year, I have torn a shoulder picking her up off the floor.....need I go on?
Don't get me wrong, I think its wonderful that so many of you caregivers have such a loving relationship with those you care for-but the toxic ones (wish I'd remembered HOW toxic) can't be rehabilitate and don't for a minute think they will suddenly have a revalation. Mine thinks I'm still 3 years old and that she owns my every thought and action-and then metes out "punishment" when I don't "get in line". Swear to God, the woman sits there at tries to tell me what she wants done by pointing (like a queen)-then gets nasty when I calmly object. Yeeech.

Yes, yep it's like that...except she's not as powerful anymore but still has ways to manipulate me. She's a master at it, cause that's what she has done for a lifetime. I have to keep reminding myself to go back to the NPD websites (narcissitic personality disorder) and re-check myself again. Her obnoxious continous phone calls of her constipation is like chinese water torture on and on and on and on. Yesterday she tried to insist on me getting money out of the bank just to put it into another banks checking...she's been doing this for so many years the checking account has boocoo and I told her I am not going to do it anymore cause it's insane! My cousin's g/f was always going on and on about how I should move in and he would chime in as well..stating that they did the same with his father. Well his father whom was an unbearable drunk warmed up and changed when he became old so he was tolerable even though he was fixated on sending check upon check to every friging charity or what have you. I told my cousin you have to put a stop to that, but he never did but he ended up having a heartattack at the kitchen table over his stack of checks he thought he had to write to all the schemes and that was the end of that. Neither one of them tried to understand the mental instability of my mother or how it was always there through childhood. Untill I finally blew up at her nosey insisting face one day when they came roaring over without a word insisting she needed a doctor...oh yeah a year ago she was dying as well...*all fake mentall baloney that they bought into and I knew better. Well since that day I am glad to say I see not a hide nor hair of neither one of them and my cousin's mom now realizes my mom is off, and that's her sister.

I am glad you shared your story of how you wish you never got entangled with your jailer.....cause that's how I feel imprisoned even from afar.

Ooh yeah yeah. Why oh why the bowel stories? And if I say I have a headache she has a brain tumor. That is, its always about her. Mine has a ridiculous sum in her checking, but won't part with a dime. Refuses to help me financially even though I take care of the house, garden, walk and feed her dog etc. And I actually own the house-which she has trashed.
Can't evict her though unless she first signs a rental, agreement which she won't- and then doesn't pay.
I am going to have to get on that NPD website-though it won't get rid of the real problem, which is HER.
All of this strife is so against my nature-I don't want to live like this, always having to fight to be treated decently and with respect. I am so tired of it.
Thanks for the hug pirategirl.

Pirate-
You might want to add
your experience to the person who just wrote on another thread (just now) about her 94 year old mom.
Sounds like she's another one of US.