Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

Dear Riley,

Thank you for expressing the frustrations of so many caregivers so well.

Now that my dad has passed, in hindsight, I do feel I was suffering from mild depression. It is a lot to take on and I thought I could keep going but the anger and resentment got the better of me. This is what I feel most guilty about not giving my dad more patience in the last year of his life. I know life is never easy. But I have to agree none of us caregivers are God. We have to recognize when things are becoming too much and get help. That is the key. I wish I had gotten help sooner.

I totally understand how you feel. I had to check myself into the hospital. I too suffer from depression and extreme anxiety. Being the caregiver for my aunt has been very difficult. Luckily, her social security covers the cost of her 'independent living.' Once she needs assisted living, there won't be the money. I cannot go back to take on full time caregiving. Got to find some other solution.
Reading these posts both breaks my heart and deepens my respect for humanity. What enrages me is that I KNOW all of this could be made easier if everything were not about money. It just shouldn't be that way. No one should have to give up their life for someone else. There should be adequate support readily available and I know there are ways this could be the case. They manage to provide such care in other countries. Oh, oh, I'm getting on my podium. Oh well!
I assume you have talked to your doctor about trying to adjust your meds or try new ones - I only mention this because I get so wrapped up in other stuff and sometimes forget what I need to do to make my life easier and it sounds as if lots of folk on this site do the same. I do hope that somehow you get a way to feel better.

Depression? Yup! And I've been that way to a degree even before Mom's fall almost two years ago, and subsequent issues requiring care. (She lived with me or vice versa for 20 years at that point, but we were more roommates and best friends, on top of Mom/daughter). It did, though, make it difficult to impossible for me to develop any kind of relationship/partner with a guy...? She is now 97, I'm 67, and about 6 years ago I went for some counseling (ironically because I had real issues involving fear of losing my Mom!). So, at the age of 60, I was diagnosed as Bipolar Type 2 ("mild" version - there are different types!), which is a major cause of depression. Gee, I wonder why the Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil, etc. that docs tried to put me on for years didn't work?) Mom doesn't live with me now - she's in an "intermediate nursing facility" - but the last 2 years have been H*ll for both of us. There is no one else but me to help her. I have no living siblings, or other relatives. When she fell she broke her rt. hip and rt. wrist, had them surgically repaired, and then was damaged in the first "rehab/skilled nursing" facility she went into. That facility ruined her feet in less than a week - didn't float her heels off the bed and they turned black/necrotic and spongy in 5 days, and they incorrectly applied and removed pressure stockings and severely tore the tops of both feet open, resulting in unhealing wounds because she basically had no circulation). I got her out of there in one week, but that wasn't soon enough. She couldn't even wear slippers, let alone socks, on her feet for almost a year, and had to have wound care and feet bandaged up like footballs every other day. She's now had 4 major surgeries, (one of her surgeries was a 5 1/2 hour bypass below her right knee to avoid amputation because one of her unhealing wounds blew up into a severe ulcer deep enough to expose tendons. She spent 10 days in ICU, three of them on a ventilator, and then another surgery to remove 3" of exposed tendons and 10 more days in an "intermediate" unit). Subsequent to that, she contracted MRSA in the hospital, and had to have a pic line (sp?) and daily antibiotic infusions for over a month. She's had 8 different location changes (including different hospitals, etc.), I've been buried and over my head handling her finances/all the medical issues (she's just now qualified for Medicaid instead of "private pay", but that comes with another whole set of responsibilities and issues). Even though she doesn't live with me, I have to visit her at least 4 or 5 days a week or she becomes frightened and worried... She knows that without me she's "toast"! I take her to all her appointments (at least 2-3 a week), and deal with issues at the nursing home that involve her safety and/or well being. For example, I've found her with someone else's socks - tight - so her leg was swollen, etc. and that puts her bypass/graft at severe risk. If that fails, she dies... She still has a wound on her left heel, which is dressed with a foam bandage 3x/week. When they give her a shower, the CNA is (obviously?!) supposed to remove the bandage and then have a treatment nurse replace it. 3x now the CNA hasn't removed the "sponge" bandage, and I've found her foot - and wound - soaked, shriveled, waterlogged - again, that's a serious risk to her! She's completely centrally blind from macular degeneration, so can no longer read or participate in activities - "crafts and games" - the facility offers, and she's terribly bored/depressed. She's losing her short-term memory now, although physically she's the best she's been since she fell... Am I depressed? You bet! I now look at my life as short-term, with no partner/companion, more limited finances (we used to share expenses, but now...), Mom's life is actually mine and at times I find myself resenting that. The last 20 years of my life have really been that way, and I'm now faced with a future completely alone when I lose her. At my age that's not likely to change. Snivel! Whine! Poor me...

Dear Miz,
My heart goes out to you. I have just in this past year began taking on more and more with my parents due to a decline in their health. I'm so overwhelmed. I work a full-time job in law enforcement and have a husband and a child at home, plus an adult child who lives in the area. I rarely see my older child. My husband and child are severely neglected and I am fighting depression daily. I cannot keep up. I am overwhelmed by all there is to do. So many needs to fulfill that I never stay still. Never get rest. I am beginning to learn to take time for myself and my family regardless of the consequences and to not feel guilty if something happens. I can not do it all. I have to accept that I can only do what I am able to do and that continueing to neglect myself and my family will have far more consequences than "neglecting" my parents. They are grown ups and they have to figure it out on their own. They should have been more prepared for this and planned better and because they did not I can not be responsible or feel guilty for their actions. My father has dementia and I see the wear and tear on my mom as she tries to keep up even with all her ailments. But, if I step in and keep trying to take it all on I will end up dead one way or another. So, I try to set boundaries and think of myself first and then my husband and child and then do what I can for my parents.
I don't know that any of this rambling helps but at least you know you aren't alone. There are others of us out here. Depression from caregiving is real. It's frightening. But do not give up. Do not allow it to overtake you. I'm glad you came here and you are reaching out. God bless ya.
Sincerely,
Bea

I was a 24/7 caregiver for my mom for 10 years..my sister..the favorite..came down a few times a year mostly to go to the beach or on xmas..depression isnt the word for it honey..despair and loneliness and feeling trapped in a nightmare was how i felt..i was on depression meds but it does nothing for the reality of the situation..my husband even lost his job because he took too much time off from work trying to help me.. my sister didnt have to sacrifice and she will never understand because she didnt deal with the 24/7 and the toll it takes on us..sorry for the long rant..just know you are not alone..try to find some help through visiting nurses or some people come in for free just to sit with the person..my mom didnt want it but i should have put myself first ..i have back problems from lifting her etc..try to take my advice and keep your life as a priority first..it shouldnt be this way..hope i helped a little

I'm right there with you. I took dad in 3 years ago when mom died. He had no more income to sustain himself in the townhouse and he wasn't taking care of himself. Siblings were of no help. So I moved him in with me. I gave up quite a bit of freedom. We sued to be very social entertaining a lot at our home. Weekend pool parties and get together time with our friends. All that changed when dad moved in, he seemed to think my friends were his. It was like being a teenager and your parent in the room telling stories when I was growing up, awkward. I gave up my home office for him and I run my business from the basement now. Since then my kids moved in for 2 weeks 9 months ago and have no ambition to move out. So here I am, 3 dogs and 3 adults in my home. I go up and down. Depressed and not. I try to stay busy. Id love some help around the house but I get nothing, nor do I get any reimbursement for utilities, food etc...
I have contemplated therapy, I go back and forth. My eating out bill is a lot more now so I can spend time with my wife. I am finishing up an addition to our house and I enjoy dads expertise but when it comes time he acts like the boss and I am the employee so I don't seem to be a nice person when he chimes in. I know I am being a mean person, it is just a defense mechanism. There has been much great advise here and to most I have not taken it as it will result in some hard feelings on both sides here. I agreed to both of these situations hoping it would be different,. Boy was I wrong. What would I like?
Id like my kids to find their own house... so they can be on their own for the first time in 6 years.
Id like my dad to spend a few months with my siblings.... more than one holiday a year for 4 days.
Id like help around the house without asking or help with expenses, toilet paper isn't free!
I guess I am expecting too much.

Tg, I have only been on this site for a few months & still catching up..but have seen several posts from you in which it appears you keep HOPING something will change, get better... 
but as far as I can see, it's YOU that must change.

Sorry if I seem uncaring or insensitive, I certainly don't mean to portray that to you.  I've actually been in your shoes, feeling like there was no way that *I* had any power to change things. But I've learned a lot & have some things I'd like to share that helped me...places to START. First,

Change your attitude: if you catch yourself feeling hopeless, sit down and make a list of the things people here have suggested ...then DO JUST ONE! Today!!! No putting it off. One simple thing. Because quite often ONE THING motivates us to do more!

Change your viewpoint: Get "out of yourself"... If that means going to a therapist do it. Now!! Like, make the appointment first thing tomorrow morning...as NIKE says, "Just do it".  

Next, change your "happiness level":  By taking ACTION, you will initiate HOPE. ...and  *Hope*  seems to be missing!!   

When we lose *Hope*, we lose everything. And sorry to put it bluntly, but the only person who can do something about it...is... YOU. 

The only way to put hope back into your life is for YOU to BRING IT... You want sunshine? You open a curtain!... You want food? You eat.... It's really that simple. We all tend to get bogged down with our lives..seeing no light at the end of the tunnel...we ALL do!..but guess what???....the only way to avoid the oncoming locomotive barreling towards us is to CHANGE DIRECTION!!!!

I am sure most caregivers suffer from depression, if they are willing to have no shame & admit it. We face doom & gloom each & everyday. With ALZ & most memory impairments there is no getting better, we watch the progression on a constant basis. With changes that occur to a loved one, duties increase, an abundance of yucky jobs. Living quarters once nice are now a gut job. If we are doing home care most of us start the day with a messy detail & end our night with one. We have given up jobs or work around a must met schedule, our income hit, we worry about bills & expenses. Finding good help & keeping them is not easy, they burn out & move on to something else. If there are behavior issues we are on 24/7 alert. Caregiving is what it is, we can change direction, but that's not an easy decision either. Follow this site, a facility or home is a big ? for many of us. Our loving, caring & worries never stop. Blessings to all Caregivers 🌸

"The only way to put hope back into your life is for YOU to BRING IT... You want sunshine? You open a curtain!... You want food? You eat.... It's really that simple. We all tend to get bogged down with our lives..seeing no light at the end of the tunnel...we ALL do!..but guess what???....the only way to avoid the oncoming locomotive barreling towards us is to CHANGE DIRECTION!!!!"

Right on, cr0105!

I want to add to my post earlier where I sounded like a cheerleader... just to be clear...I am NOT "Little Miss Sunshine " every day...far from it... I am on antidepressants for depression and anxiety. I battle every single day. I have days that I fight suicidal thoughts...usually after a string of days in which everything feels pointless. But, something makes me go on. Something spurs a NEED to have a better day. That is when I MAKE a good day.

My parents are 88 and 90 years old. I have 5 brothers and sisters, and I am the closest one living near them. The others are 2-4 hour drive away.
I try and do some shopping for them, run errands, and do little chores but it is very hard sometimes. I tell myself I am the privileged one that gets to be near them and spend more time with them before they are gone forever.
The truth is, I have never had a "close" relationship with them, especially my dad. My mom has always been a complainer. She complains every day about her pain or something that else that has happened or how she feels, it is always negative.
I try to avoid them just so I don't have to hear the same things over and over, and being in their house isn't easy with my dad constantly in front of the TV with the horrible news or some old westerns. My mom still complains about the things he does and his behavior, he barely says a word about her and I think just tunes her out.
I have been a divorced single parent since 1994, my boys are now grown, I have lost interest in the idea of a partner after some poor choices in men, and I don't want to take care of anyone else!!! A lot of men want a woman to cook and clean and a bed partner. I haven't met one that wants to be an equal or take care of me so heck with it.
I know I am suffering from depression, and I have put on some pounds, trying to find comfort somewhere.....
With the burden (I probably put on myself) of being available to them, and the pain seeing them suffer and struggle, I can't say I do anything that makes me feel good about life. I used to be committed to the gym, but with a new commute to a new job, (shorter days) in the past two years, and the stress of my parents, I can't get myself to go, and I know I would start to feel better if I did.
There are many of us in the same boat, I don't have any answers. I pray for God to give me strength, and I think Him for the many blessings in my life. I don't have money, or a partner, or a fancy house, but I do have two healthy young men I raised on my own, an income, transportation, a roof over my head, and a couple of good friends I try to see. Lots of things to be grateful for. I know one of these days, I will be longing to hear my mom laugh, or do something silly she was known for, in her day when she was without pain and worry.
So, we carry on. Do the best we can. Pray for a shining light.

I pretty much consider myself the poster child for anti-depressants, I've been taking them since the 1980s .While your husband may be right about seasonal effective disorder, it may only be part of your problem. I think you might need a dosage change or maybe a different medication. Constant stress will cause you all kinds of problems, mine also became physical because of the depression. I have gotten to the point where I know when change is necessary. It may do you a world of good, why suffer? Also although empathetic, a person only really truly understands depression if they have it. Do you sometimes feel down and don't know why? A person with depression understands that feeling. Best of luck, it can get better

I think the original question should have been "Does any one NOT suffer depression from being a caregiver

I was on Xanax and Prozac starting in March 2017. Found this site soon after...fast forward to now...off of both for almost 2 months...depression/anxiety creep in at times so that's when I come here and read. The meds made me loopy and no energy to "take care of business" with my aging stressful parents! Although I needed a quick fix desperately at the time and would recommend taking them and will again if I need to. They let me rest and chill for several months while I was educating myself here. This caregiving sucks, yeah, I still feel down alot but knowing we are not alone for sure helps.

Still learning and pushin on!!

Absolutely & if anyone says otherwise I would question if they are being honest.

Even though brother/ sister dynamics were such a mess, his choice, I made the decision to be there for my brother 6 years ago. It's been doom & gloom. I felt sorry for him from day 1 of his diagnosis of ALZ, even though he was so angry & in denial. Now, in the final stage he may show agitation with me still, or, a sweetness. No book, seminar or video prepares you for an overwhelming sadness you will find yourself in.

When I learned all I could & got tired of tears & fears of the unknown I took a part time job. Yes, it's low paying, a schedule around his, but it's been a lifesaver for me. I'm actually grateful for what it does for me.

I know others question why we do what we do. Instinct takes over & you have to be in a caregiver's shoes to "get it."

Caregivers take care of you. You matter as well, so don't forget yourself. Blessings 🌸

Its been 9 months since my father passed away. I was his primary caregiver and I feel not only am I struggling with grief but depression as well. I don't think any of us know what we are getting into till we are in the trenches every day. It is overwhelming and frustrating. There are so many challenges with siblings and other family members, rude doctors and nurses, and the list just goes on. None of us are martyrs or saints, it does take a toll.

Fear. Fear of what's coming next and when. Pretending. Pretending a little bit to myself every day that today is status quo. Patience. Trying to get more of it. Annoyance. The stupidity I deal with on a daily basis. Guilt for thinking she is stupid. She is my mother. What a horrible person i am to think my mother is stupid. Sadness. This probably isn't half way over. Coping. Reading this site. Depression. Fighting it. Really hard . Hope for the future. 

Yes. I'm depressed. We moved, my husband and 2 kids, from Orange Co CA to my parents city in the Central Valley in 1990. Ever since our lives have been consumed by their lives. At first it was ok. We were young and enjoyed being close. At least I thought I did. Husband couldn't wait to get us away but that took 8 long years till we moved. Mom passed in 97 and so the 1.5 hr drive back and forth has been going on since. Brothers passed and now it's dad, his beer and dementia. We go down and work, work, work. physical work caring for 1 ac and his things. I come home and don't want to do a darn thing except watch tv. My husband is wonderful but he's wearing down. Dad hasn't wanted to pay for yard care and with so much junk sitting everywhere I'm not sure anyone would want to do it.
So I joined a gym to try to get out and get the endorphins up but I wonder too....how long?, and how hard?

I have just read several pages and they are all about taking care of parents. Are there any threads on taking care of abusive husbands with dementia. I probably could have been a caregiver to my mom if it had been necessary. What I want to know is how do you deal when you longer love the person.

Oleput, I have always been a believer in love, but, do think there are different kinds of love & yes, some forever & stronger than others.  For example, I may love a  friend, even a pet, but not anywhere close to my dear parents (rip).  That love & magnitude is different.

I do think it's a must to have compassion & empathy for others to caregive.  You have to feel sorrow, the desire to help, or to try & make a difference.  Think of all our first responders, they care, instincts seem to take over.  They are not always "bad guys."  Thank God for them.

Caregiving is a choice, you may  have to try & remember the love that used to be or  the good memories that you have for that someone you find you are now caring for, there may not be a lot, but hopefully a few that can bring on the "Wow I remember that," feel good moment.  Things may not  have turned out the way we hoped for but work on letting it go. 

There's nothing wrong if you choose or can't caregive for any reason & it's only fair, & right, to seek out other alternatives.  Someone abusive when well will probably be the same when ill, maybe even worse.  Caregivers have to care about themselves.  You have to keep yourself safe & well, mentally & physically.

Trust yourself, your feelings & your decision.  You matter!  

Blessings 🌸

My "answer" is not really an answer, but an acknowledgement of your right to these feelings. I truly understand and am going through this too. I never thought this ,journey is one that I would be taking, and nothing prepares you for the fatigue and the sadness. My only advice may seem trite, but for me it works-as I journal my feelings but also find small things to be grateful for during even the hardest days and nights, a sunny morning, the crispness of the beginning of Autumn, petting my cat as he purrs in my lap, a pot of stew which means I don't have to cook our dinner for a couple of nights-thes are just a few things I write down. I was dubious at first, but find that it helps. Give yourself permission to shed tears and be sad too.

Yes, I'm depressed, so much that the clutter is piling up, I am barely holding on to my job, and the chores aren't getting done. Actually work is a saving grace because I have an aide take care of mom so for a few hours, I get a break. SSRI's work for many people but I can't tolerate them, and I get in a vicious cycle of too depressed to go to the gym or declutter the house, and then more depressed.

I think depression and anxiety go with caregiving, even when the parent is relatively easy to care for, and with a spouse, I imagine it's even worse.
If they become abusive, it seems that's the time to say enough.

My aunt cared for her husband with Alzheimer's. She put up with the wandering, the sundowning, the verbal and emotional abuse, lashing out at her in anger, but when he became physically violent, then she had to put him in a facility. Sometimes we can't do it any more, and when our mental and physical health is endangered, placement is the best option. That doesn't mean caregiving ends, since you still visit them and keep an eye on things, but it takes a different form.

For "Misunderstood 10" perhaps you need to pack Mom up and drop her off at the brothers and tell them find the one for $5.00 hr and when you will be back give them list of meds Rx etc..........

This is an old post, but I would like to respond to oleput's question "what do you do when you no longer love the one you are a caregiver to?" Years ago, when my siblings and I started rotating 24/7 caregiving to both parents (along with some professional caregivers), I used to dread going to their house. There were so many unpleasant memories associated with their home and with my parents themselves. As an adult, my greatest joy was being able to leave after a short visit and go to my peaceful home, now I had to interact with them for long periods of time, when my impulse was to run. The hardest thing has been to do this with hardly any feelings of affection or love. Over the years of caregiving (which started about 16-17 years ago, when we had to take over their finances because they almost went bankrupt) a numbness has developed. Truly, as the oldest daughter, I have felt responsible for my Bipolar mom and alcoholic father all of my life. I remember a time whenI was very young when I loved them fiercely, but over the years, I suppose I started to protect my heart and I'm still doing it. Most of the time it works, but sometimes, a little crack opens up, and I feel so intensely that I can't bear it. So, I do my caregiving, from feeding to toileting with no feeling whatsoever. Before I start my caregiving, I ask God's grace to show them compassion and love even when I don't feel it. And I wait for it, because it comes. Of myself, I could not do any of it, from my father who is still at home to my mother who has now been placed in a facility and still needs my caregiving. But the grace comes, when asked for daily. It is really miraculous to me that I can appear to be such a loving, caring daughter when I am only doing so on God's grace and power.

Yup deeper by the day !

If only..... I've been married for thirty seven years. His
was cc'd with m.s. Five years in...two small children.
He's to the point where walking more than ten feet is
impossible. The constant neediness, dependency, New
and serious problems, the incontinence issues. I've reached
The point of every day I wonder which one of us will die
first. Truthfully I no longer care. I feel as if I have nothing
left to give...to anyone..him, me, our children. I have no
friends, very little interaction with "the outside world".
My relatives/sibs are all older and live quite a distance
away. I'm tired of it all. Glad to have a small cyber place to vent. Thanks all.

Zelda44. Please continue to vent here. It’s about the only place where so many understand. Hugs

Thank you.

Zelda, he was diagnosed 5years in? OMG. I can't imagine. I've been coping 2 years and it is wearing me down. I am so sorry.

I have been dealing with my angry, ornery 89-year old father for about two years now since my mother passed away in late November, 2015. I retired from my job this summer and almost wish that I hadn't. It has been a nightmare being in the same place with him for so much of the time. I am the POA and some of the legal stuff that is meant to help protect the house means that I have agreed to live with him for a certain amount of time and we have Joint Tenancy so I don't feel like I have the freedom to move out or place him in a facility just yet, but hopefully that will change sometime next year.

All that I can say about my father is that he was a good employee for the most part and worked six days a week during his last years of employment. But other than that, I have no fond memories of him. He has always had inappropriate anger management issues and is an alcoholic in denial. He should have acknowledged these things decades ago and gotten appropriate help and treatment. His current issues are in large part related to his alcoholism and I do hold people accountable for their actions. He gets no sympathy from me, and his anger and verbal abuse towards me is inexcusable. I deserve better than this, and hopefully I will get it before the end of next year. It would be different if his condition wasn't exacerbated by the alcohol, and if he had been a kind person before. But he wasn't.