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In my own situation, I am on the second go round with all this. Mom had a severe TIA three years ago after numerous smaller ones and various cancers, that left her in a state which appeared to be the end. She was unresponsive for months and I eventually decided to put her in a home believing that she was unaware of her circumstances. And so I grieved as is natural and began to go on with restoring my life until, lo and behold, she slowly recuperated to the point that she would cry to come home everytime I spoke with her.
I did take her back home, (thinking that she wanted to be home to die and probably would soon enough) and began round two of the caregiving life. That was three years ago and she has been on a very slow and long decline ever since.
This double whammy has been stressful enough and when you consider the up and down emotions, I believe my natural grieving process has been messed with very badly.
However, I'm in this til the end, And I can't tell you all how much help it is for me just to read all your posts and know I'm not alone.
Thanks.
Amen! You are a wise woman!
Having this personality makes you highly prone to "Cognitive Distortions" which are natural, yet unproductive ways of thinking... some call them "Stinkin' Thinkin'" that can lead you directly into depression.
I would love to speak and write more on this topic but there is not space nor time here and now... feel free to contact me anytiime!
There are days when I am litterally paralized for fear of what mom has in store for me & waste half the day avoiding the inevitable only to find my fears were unwarranted. This usually follows a day when the old girl takes me be suprise and bursts my caregiver bubble with an M16. Yes there is a pattern here. Try not to fall into the trap.(Just realized this myself!)
God's grace is new every day. Forgive & move on. You do what you can & give the rest to GOD. NO GUILT!!!!!!!! We are humans and humans have limitations. Only God can make it all better. Sometimes we have to get out of the way and let Him do His work.
I know this for a fact from my own personal experience countless times!!! In a situation, in you and in others. Ask God & then step back & let Him do His work!!!! Try not to be too slow on the uptake when He sends help your way or you may miss it. IE: Be receptive and alert when help presents itself. Little things can often make a huge difference.
We all would like better control of the situation but God knows soooooo much better than we. Our dreams & wants can interfere & are often unrealistic for the moment.
I would love to have the perfect end of life relationship with my mom where she loves & is nice to me and I can love & care for her every need. That is way not likely to happen!!! I do what I can & give the rest to GOD! The other alternative is really ugly & I've already been there.
Yes, It's always a challenge because now she finds this game of wills amusing, but I stick to my ground and remind myself that if I allow her to get me upset over these things, then I am not being true to myself.
I'm very glad that you found this site. There is one member here who can very well identify with your situation. She's a single parent who has been a caregiver since I think 18 for the past 10 years. Your grandmother is very blessed to have you, but as the caregiver who is crying every night, you need help to. I think something like 60% of caregivers who are the primary caregiver of someone at home end up dying before their relative does.
Your situation is understandibly wearing you down. Crying every night is sad but it also shows how much 6 years of solo caregiving is breaking you down.
Since this is your grandmother, I assume your parents are not longer alive? If that is the case, then did your grandmother raise you? In that case your anxiety about spending time apart from her is very understandible.
Given that your profile does not tell us a whole lot other than you are 26 and have been caring for your grandmother for 6 years, etc., I have more questions. How have you been able to gain any income being the solo-caregiver? Does your grandmother have any reasources that could pay for someone to come over to the house to give you a break? Help me to understand where the guilt is comming from? Usually, a 26 year old wants to have a life and does not struggle with the guilt thing like someone in their 50ties or 60ties that is the caregiving for an 70, 80 or 90 year old parent? Unless, however the guilt is a cultural thing which I can understand. How long do you think that you can keep going as the solo caregiver without outside help to give you a break as well as possibly some medicine to help with your depression? I'm concerned that the physical and emotional breaking down could wear out the chemicals in the brain that help deal with situational depression and you could end up with clinical depression which seriously needs meds.
Keep comming here and post all you want, whenever you want for as long as you want for there is almost always someone around to listen and respond.
I have learned to predict her and to manipulate her and it's easier on me. No guilt here. Just trying to get thru the day without a lot of fuss. I avoid her as much as possible. But when I do get backed into a corner with her, I am very superficial. She is hard of hearing so she does 90% of the talking (about herself). I let her ramble and make assenting noises like I'm actually listening. I agree to her crazy ideas because I know she'll forget. I never argue or try to reason with her. When she says horrid things I am silent. Mostly I try to do something else when I'm around her: load the washer, rinse the dishes, boil potatoes, iron. Anything so I feel like I am accomplishing something while she blathers on about her so-called life.
I'm only marking time with her until she dies. It's meaningless, annoying, very boring. I get very tired and sleep to get away from her.
Best regards,
Thank God you've got the dog.
What kind of community do you live in - small town, large town, city, isolated rural spot?