Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

RebeccaLynn,

Wow!, your situation sounds overwhelmingly depressing.

What are your mother's health needs?

Why did she come to live with you and yiour husband 6 years ago?

How is your husband handling this?

What are your mother's resources for and is it even possible for her to live in independent or assisted living.

To me, it sounds like more is going on with this depression than only grieving the past life you once had. It sounds to me like you feel hopless and are anxious about being in this situation with your mother from which escape might be difficult? It also seems that your mother's verbal abuse has enslaved you into the F.O.G. What I'm hearing is that she's made you a bit fearful of her; obligated to keep her in your home and keept putting up with her critical argumentativeness; and guilty for even wanting a life or thinking about how her care could be different as well as maybe some fear about not only your own heatlh, but possibly your marriage?

I think it is a good idea for you to see a doctor and get some anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds. It would also help to see a therapist. Also, you and your husband, if you haven't already, need to have a serious discussion about this entire situation; how it's impacting each of you, your marriage (probably); and your mother in terms of what does she need now that would provide her with good care and saftey but not destroy you in the process. If it were me, speaking as a husband, I would be fed up with a MIL who was so verbably abusive, and feel like my wife had been totally taken away by her mother (which BTW, I have both felt this and dealt with it in my own marriage).

I understand completely imy mother has pancreatic cancer and diabetes along and pretty much disabled , my siblings (4 ) don't lift a finger until I have a melt down . Last month alone she was hospitalized 3 times and had at least 10 appointments ....I ask myself everyday why no one understands that I need a break , its to the point that if I get sick my 15yr son has to help out and this isn't fair to him or myself. I feel guilty on daily basis and if I'm not feeling guilty I'm depressed because I never have enough alone time. I wish I had a magic wand that could erase the guilt and depression but I don't all I have now is this forum which has help me realize that I'm not alone

you aren't alone. My life has also been completely upheaved. I am scared I will loose my job, and no way mom and dad have enough money for nursing home or stuff..it helps me alot to realize I am not alone either. I have mini melt downs after I get on here and read posts. hugs to you.

shoot I have been to 2 doctors just for some lousy valium to help me sleep (when I can) but no...they think I need lithium..
I have post traumatic sdisorder and insomnia plus anxiety. guess the anxiety helps me get stuff done..but i hate not sleeping. They say I am too young for valium and I will get addicted! and I'm 47!! I just need some sleep to help me deal with all of this!!

I haven't written in a couple of weeks because we were househunting in Colorado. The trip went well and the break away from my mother was nice... BUT..my husband had a bad fall and broke his neck. He is already living in Colorado with his daughter until school is out, so he is recuperating at her house for now and doing well!
So, I had to tell my mother why we were going to be a couple of days late getting home. She went BALISTIC, why did we let this happen? Why were we doing somthing so dangerous? (we were hiking btw) She want's me home. How dare I not come home immediately (even though my husband was in the hospital with a broken neck!) on and on and on - I'm so terrible cuz I didn't just leave him the hospital to get home to her.....
So, now I'm home. I went over to her place today to do her meds, get groceries, etc... She started in immediately on how I'm so mean, I and my family hate her, NOW after 11 years of begging us to go back to Colorado, she doesn't want to go. I told her fine, she can stay here, but we are going since my husband has a job there and quit his job here in Arizona, we have no choice but to go...
How dare I say such a thing to her!! I am so mean to say such a thing - she even told me she would die if she moved back to Colo and don't I even care about that! (well, what do you all think?)
Anyway, even with all the stuff going on with my husband, it was still all about her (as usual). I'm working hard on the FOG issues and trying to get past them. I do as much as I can for her, but then I walk away. I walked away from her today as she was screaming at me about how mean I am. I just can't take her abuse any more. No matter what I say or do or how hard I try to make her happy. She wants something different, or I said it in the wrong way, or I didn't react in the manner she expected or wanted me to....
OK - same story different day - at least I can vent here to you guys and I really appreciate that!

Guys, I just wanted to thank you all again. I've actually started wearing my own w(h)ine patch. It's just a bandaid that I stuck on my upper arm and when things start getting rough I find my other hand going to gently rub it, which makes me think of the hugs you guys give, and reminds me that I'm NOT alone in all this. A small comfort, but hey, any port in a storm, right Pirategirl?

Keep doing what you are doing. Getting away is not a bad thing, just remember that we felt the same way when we were kids and didn't want Mommy and Daddy to go anywhere. Have fun when you are out so that when you return to her, she can see the smile on your face and it just makes her feel good too. I too am struggling with the same but I have learned to ask for more help from my brothers, or I should say I "make a command" so that they have to follow through. It's been working :) Stay strong Mizz, you're awesome.

Gracie, just to take one of your sentences above one step futher.

When Mommy and Daddy had us as little kids, they had their own lives to live as well and they did, so why shouldn't we as adults now having to be like a parent to our aging parents?

Every day of my life... I have been off and on meds for years and my mother just thinks I'm crazy it hasn't and won't occur to her that most of it is caused from her. I deal with lots of anxiety and panic attacks. I'm sure when this role is said and done, I'll be said and done. It's the reality of it.
Try and address it as soon as you can, it probably won't go away, as long as you caregive. Guilt is a common trait of caregivers' depression.

A lot of us that are responding to this thread seem to be talking about the fact that have had negative experiences in childhood, myself included, and that the resentment for caring for those responsible for that pain is what is so difficult to overcome. I was lucky(?) in that I chose to take mom out of the nursing home that she was so miserable in. I think that is why I can cope so far; I'm trying to put aside the anger and forgive. It makes it easier to forgive when I can plainly see how pathetic and dependent mom is on me now. and I am deliberately being the type of caregiver that she was not. I honestly believe that as hard as this is and despite breakdowns, and my complaints, I may actually be finally able to grow past my past now. I AM going to win this. Time IS on my side.

Though this doesn't apply to all, I have found a site which is very helpful. Search "Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers". It doesn't of course deal with the caregiving angle, but its forums are good support .
I am off to a very nice place to housesit for a week, mother is furious and being her most wounded self, but I'm so happy to be getting away!

Big hugs to you, Tom, for rising above the level you were treated by your mom. I guess we all have issues from our pasts, me included. No, my mother didn't do heinous things to me, but I was the older of two girls and was responsible for the household when Mother was working and while Dad was on the road (truck driver). So even though she wasn't severely abusive, I have memories of being wronged, misjudged, taking the fall for the little sister, being kept from enjoying the things my sister got to do when she was the age I missed out on... all the things that parents do without even knowing they're doing them.

I haven't made any entries here since I joined this group in February. My mother's final illness was very fast-growing and I literally had no time to get online or to even make a phone call. She passed away on March 12. I wouldn't have wanted to missed the opportunity to help her and be here for her, even though she sometimes behaved as if I wasn't measuring up to her expectations. But I know for a fact that unless we've been in someone else's shoes, we really don't know how we would feel if we were in that position. I've never been 78 and dying from cancer and in pain from severe rheumatoid arthritis. I've never been married to my dad who can test the patience of a saint. I haven't lived the life my mother lived. But I can say with a clear conscience that I did everything in my power to make her life comfortable and to allow her to pass away with as much peace that God and I could allow. And I will miss her.

Hi I know how you feel Miz, I too take care of my mother who has end stage Parkinson's Disease. It is not an easy task to do. Guilt I'm afraid is something that for some of us was imbedded into our very life from the time we were children. My parents both born in Europe always preached to me, being I am a girl, about respecting your parents and along with respect is to care for them if need be. If you do not care for them, then you are some how ungrateful, unappreciative of all they have done for you. For myself, it is very difficult not to feel guilt if I were to place my mother into a nursing home, or even have another person care for her. I just don't know how to turn the guilty felling off. I even neglect my health. For the depression I take Zolof, it does help. I feel as if I am sacrificing my life for hers. I have one brother who does take her from Fri night until Sun. afternoon. But I work, so it just frees me up to work, no time for myself. And even if I try to get someone to come in and help, the dog doesn't like anyone in the house, and will most likely bite her, so it's just a loosing battle!

lock the dog up in another room when u know that somebodys comin over . so things can go well for you and get a break and have a time for yourself .

I've tried of being understanding when no one else seems to care....I love my mother more than I love myself, its just heart-breaking to see such a strong person give up on life. I've been taking meds of and on for a few months and somedays I find myself drinking just so I can fall asleep without worrying about how to pay for meds, cost of living and her funeral. I'm only 36yrs and don't know what to do ....as I type to you I feel blank and alone because none of my siblings seem to grasp the fact that she doesn't has that much longer and she doesn't have any insurance to cover anything and I've been unemployed and taking care of my mother for almost a year ...I'm only surviving on child support and now we're about to be homeless becaise the home that we've been renting for 5yrs is going up for Sheriff sale in a matter of weeks.wtf. I try not to cry but this is too much, so little time and no one who truely cares.

hair,

Do what my SIL and BIL do when they have visitors or someone works on their house. They have a metal dog cage in a room they put the dog in and close the door. or If no one is going outside, they put the dog in the back yard which is fenced in.

BTW, what kind of dog is it? If you really think that dog might bite your mother as well as a stranger, then that dog is not safe to have around period.

Also, that was so mean of your mother to program like she did you as a little girl. I'm glad to hear you are on an anti-depressent, but you are limiting yourself and cruxicying yourself with a limited view of taking care. It does not always mean doing all the carring for your mother yourself. Believe me it's not just people with parents who were born in europe who do that to their children and particularly to their little girls gggggggggggrrrrrrrrrr dang child abuse if you want my honest blunt Irish-German name for it.

It sounds like you have a very clear grasp where this F.O.G. (Fear Obligation and Guilt) came from, how it got there and who put it there. However, you are not your past nor are you a little girl anymore. You do not have to be your past programing which you see very clearly. The impact I've seen on this site and even in my extended family is the power that a mother's F.O.G. can have on a grown woman whose been a college professor; earned a doctorate from Duke; been married for several years; has her own children like my wife from functioning emotionally and mentally as an adult to being that fearful little girl again. Thank God my wife got into therapy so that she's not like that anymore or we probably would not be married anymore because I'd not live in a marraige where I felt like I was married to more than one person. So enough venting on my own which I'm sharing for a purpose.

Here's my action list of suggestions.

1. Get that dog out of the house or in a room away in a cage.

2. Get someone in there who will help. If your mother's doctor orders home health care, medicare normally covers a bit part of that.

3. Enjoy some time just for you.

4. Remind yourself everyday and possibly more than once everyday that you are not your past programing for you are an adult who can chose either to follow past programing or not to follow past programing. You do have the power of choice as an adult.

5. Given that none of these steps are easy, I would strongly suggest at least some short term counseling since you already have so much self-insight already which is awesome.

If they have not responded already, I'm sure Pam and/or along with others whose names escape my brain will or would tell you basically the same thing but in their own style and maybe not so 'take no prisoners' like I do sometimes. Take care of yourself, come here as often as you can for this is a great group of people to support you and cheer you on. I think Pam telling you her personal story of overcoming F.O.G. in her life straight from her would inspire you greatly.

Sereka, sorry to hear of your situation, sounds like you need help. Have you tryed to contact social services in the State where you live? You might be entitled to some financial assistance. Please don't use alcohol as an escape for all the problems, because that will cause you to have another problem that you don't need right now as well as the added expense of the alcohol. If you have prescription drugs to help you with your depression, just keep taking them. Not taking your meds will cause them to ineffective, or not work the way they should. Get a grip of yourself, realize that people do care, and seek out help for yourself and your mom. Your are reaching out on this website, that's a step in the right direction. Try asking your mom's doctor for assistance or your place of worship. Please don't give up. Remember - seek and you will find. Good Luck

Hi Miz. I certainly understand your feelings here. My husband and I care for his dad here at home. Lots of issues to take care of and hard doing them. I am new in here and so glad that its a place where we can share feelings.Many Hugs Marilyn

I'm having a really depressed afternoon today. My hubby is tired and somewhat depressed too. It seems like I feed off of him. When he's up and about and getting stuff done I feel better. When he's not I feel like I'm alone I guess. I would love to go to sleep but I have Mom to take care of. Mom seems down lately too. It's Spring and I haven't even bought any flowers to plant. Maybe I'll try for a short nap...although sometimes I feel worse after that. I know this will pass and things will be better. Right now I feel like there's nothing for me. No one trying to make me feel better. Wow, that sounds selfish. Maybe. I don't know. I take meds and have for years. I go to my doc about every thirty days and I guess it's something I just have to deal with. Thanks for listening everyone. Hugs and love to you!!

miz

Miz, Try to remember that you and your hubby are tired, and that what you are dealing with IS a lonely and depressing situation. The reaction to all this that you are feeling is really the only true reaction you could have. there is nothing "wrong" with the way you're feeling. But I will say that I have gone manic with planting flowers this spring. I call it my sanity garden!

You do need to have some inerest besides caregiving -someday that will end and if you do not have friends or other interest now you will feel all afloat when that day comes and you need a break every day in order to have the engery to go on with lthe lift you have been dealt with. Reach out to others now join some activity even if most of the time you will not be able to attend where you can make even if you make one friend-I did at a caregivers support group I met a lady with the same problems I had and she was so encouraging we stayed friends even though we are noew both widows and she has moved a distance away. If no one knows what you are going through noone can help you- I so hope you will do this,

Miz,

Both of you are understandibly exhausted. Some of this is depression and some is compassion fatigue. Feeding off of your husband or anyone for that matter is called enmeshment. It is when we make how we feel dependent on how others are doing. Your emotional tank is below E at least in my opinion. There sounds like there is nothing left to give and you feel deprived of no one giving to you and in particular your own self and sense of being a seperate self from both your mother and your husband has been deprived the freedom to let yourself do something renewing and nice for yourself for a change. No, you do not sound selfish. You sound very normal but on the edge of an emotional crash.

What would an emotional crash look like?

now that summers is here and so much activies are out and about . people , friends nieghbors are all makin plans each weekends to have a cook out parties , graduations amd boating lake beach and all that fun stuff . bon fire ! 50 th bday party with band oh my doesnt that sound wonderful ?
well i cant go cuz i have to sit at home . i think that would be a emotional crash ..

I so agree about the emotional crash!! I feel so excluded... my mother demands so much of my time and I always wonder about all those people out there having a good time. Why don't they have to deal with difficult, elderly parents who demand to know where they are every minute? She goes into an emotional outburst if I even go out to dinner with someone. It drives me crazy and she doesn't even live with me!! Constant phone calls and if I don't answer, where was I, what was I doing, why didn't I invite her to go along?? It's easier to sit at home and wait for the phone to ring so that I can tell her I'm doing nothing, rather than try to explain to her that I was out having fun with people my age, or at a party with my kids or something. She even threatened to have my kids taken away from me last summer because we were going on a family vacation and not inviting her to go along!

Feeling like you have hit rock bottom and like there is nothing more of you left to give.

Feel a million miles from their real self.

Feelings of anger, negativity, exhaustion and anxiety are overwhelming to the point that your ability to pursue a 'normal' life and 'normal' relationships is beyond just being tough, but nearly impossible.

Thanks so much for all of your responses. I think one of the reasons I get depressed when my husband is down is that he sleeps or plays computer games and gets nothing done around the house and that makes me angry. He claims he's not depressed or claims he may be depressed a little. I try to push myself to do things and of course there are things I HAVE to do no matter how I'm feeling. My husband and I are also stressed about money. That does not help. I will just have to continue to fight this depression because I won't put Mom in a nursing home.

i understand- i make sure i exercise daily- i have friends over daily - make lunch or dinner - they'll come- mom has alzheimers- for some reason is totally happy around children- i have them over often- i take her to the store with me - i use the electric wheelchair- she cant use the controls so i walk alongside it and control it- funny how i dont see any elderly people at the stores- they need to get out too - probably depressed too- my mom likes to sit outside- we bought a propane heater for the colder days- gonna start going to a bible study at night and bring her with me- get a video monitor and a motion detector so you dont have to sit with them all day - your mom is probably depressed too- we are going camping this weekend to new malones- taking mom with- sh may like it- we'll see- y0uneed to have a life too- good luck

I think Mom is depressed too. She has missed Dad so much for 4 1/2 years. She doesn't want to go to the grocery store because it reminds her so much of him. Also, it's difficult to take her places. She gets tired very easily. She has a very weak heart, alzheimer's, diabetes, and is totally incontinent. The last time my husband and I tried to take her out to eat we had to leave before our meal came because she needed to go home and lay down. I know when all is said and done I will wish I had done more. oh boy...just what I need...more guilt.

Grief which becomes stuck keeps people from moving on with going on out to the grocery store and even having the energy to work on such things at 91 with Alzheimer's must be absolutely impossible. I agree and think all three of you are depressed although your husband is in denial which I understand as a man and avoided facing for a long time.

Depression leads to extra sleep and or escape from the stress of the present. I get on my computer in my "Man Cave" to escape stress and drama. Most of the time, it is the one consistently neat, organized and correct climate place in our residence. Life gets really tough when that one place gets out chaotic and dirty. Whenever, I re-boot so to speak, I have to start there before I can really deal effectively with anything else. Thus, after some time keeping the records of my parent's long over due tax information that I was working on cramped the joy of that place and thus I moved such items out into another room and container. This led me to see that another burden in this room was items in their from keeping up with our personal budget and yearly taxes and I moved all of that out. I think I've now basically freed the room of any reminders of current or old stress and only have reminders of past accomplishments academically, athletically, community service as well as nice trips that I have gone on plus the best books of my personal library.

Financial stress and related depression can creat an "until debt do we part" senario. Please don't let guilt drive you into burrying your anger over financial strains into deeper depression by hoping your husband will just get over being depressed so that you can feel better which will just not work. I'm not a therapist but possibly some of his depression and yours is some silent suffering going on concerning your marriage that if it is so really must be talked about by you to in some 'husband and wife' time or possibly with a trained and objective third party.

It does not sound like spring time has liften you up beyond where you were back in February. I think it is because it this depression is more than just seasonal. Taking pills for depression is freequently not enough for often both talk therapy and some liftestyle changes are needed.

If I may be my typical Irish/German blunt self, I'm hearing a ton of obligation fueled by and enormous amount of guilt and kept afire by some undefinable fear. Do you perceive yourself or have others pereived you as functioning in F.O.G., Fear-Obligation-Guilt?

Is any of this guilt coming from feeling like you ought to be up to taking care of your mother at the level of need that her health is now and somehow afraid that you might already be at or past that point, but feel obligated to go on because the guilt of having to say I can't do it anyomore just like this frightens you from some powerful sense of obligation to be super-daughter or fear that someone(s) might think less of you if you don't just gut through it even if it destroys your physcial and/or mental health, finances and marriage? I get the feelilng that you are extremely hard on yourself for some reason. I might be totally wrong about all of the above and if so I'm sorry and forget what I wrote.