What is the proper/legal way to decline POA if the issue comes up?

joycews, what a terrible situation. I don't know how you stand it. It is terrible when it is the spouse's family. What is a wife to do? One thing is that you do not have to become the POA. Just because someone puts your name down on a sheet of paper doesn't mean you're strapped with the responsibility. In your position, if something were to happen to my husband, I would say to take the POA and shove it.

I wondered how your husband feels about his father and how he deals with his father's feelings for you. This must be hard on all of you.

He has certainly made his own bed, hasn't he? Too bad for him. Just keep refusing and don't offer any comments about your husband's dad. I would keep busy with my own stuff and only give my husband a suggestion, if asked.

Joyce - my goodness, your FIL is a total piece of work. So has be always been a very controlling, arrogant SOB who can never be happy?

What FIL has is a "springing" POA. A durable POA is much easier to deal with. Any reason why his is the "springing" type? One issue with springing POA is that the requirement from MD documentation in order for it to happen can be difficult. MD is all about medical and health care issues and they don't want to be caught up in a legal issue. Especially if there are competing interests within the family on what needs to happen with or for momma or daddy. The MD can be sued (or threatened with a suit) or called into court for compentency hearing by competing family members, so many MD's just won't do the springing paperwork. They will say something like you need to have them evaluated by another specialist.

You do not have to be the POA, you can refuse it. But you know it may be good to stay on the paperwork. Because it will provide you the legal mechanism to make him become a "ward of the state" and then he & his demands and & care all becomes a problem for the state. If the day comes and you end up being the POA, I'd get my own attorney - who is experienced in guardianships - to do this and not use the one that your FIL uses.You want to make sure that if there are any costs in doing this, you are paid from FIL's $ and an attorney who is retained by you will make sure that is the case. KIL's attorney may take the position that you do whatever as duty with no compensation. If you can, I'd work on a document now (that you keep) that details the issues and history with your FIL. Put down whatever you know about the estranged daughter he has and whatever else you can think of. The whole lineal heirship issues are subject to state law. In Louisiana, it is hard to totally write out your children as our laws are based on French law (with odd quirks on parental responsibility and lineation).

The whole "I'm gonna change my POA" routine is very common. My mom's attorney had her do a "Guardianship in Case of Incapacity" form decade ago when we did her DPOA, MPOA and codicil to her will. The attorney (an estate attorney) said that it was his experience that about 1/3 of the elders go an do a revokation or carry on about changing the POA as a whole control issue for them. Sure enough, my mom did this and I was able to pull out the "Guardianship" form to use as a negotiating tool (or threat) with her. She was all peeved because I was making her move into IL apartment with 800 sq ft with terrace, meals, activities, driver service, etc. this after coming into her home and finding the gas on and doors inaccessible among other issues. Moved her into IL. Very dramarama on the whole move too. Then a couple of days after moving into IL, I called her about 9 AM just to see how the morning went (the IL has a door placecard system that has to be posted by 8:30 AM by each residents) and she was super short and said, "I can't talk, have to run as the van is leaving for the shopping trip to SteinMart" .Well so much for "living in a prison". LMAO.

I would accept the alternate POA and continue to allow your husband to handle things. If your daughter is the person that he named to inherit what he may have, if anything left, I would do this to protect her interests. You do not have to have contact with him and can remain silent unless it becomes important in the future.

It is quiet obvious that he is mentally incompetent. The problem today, is that you can't force a person to include you in his doctor's appointments. He probably bullies the doctors too. I'm sure the attorney preparing all of the documents knows the guy is not right, but he's making good money, so wth. I think Nessa58 is right. Keep that POA and stay out of the line of fire. Unless you want to force the guardinship issue, you and your husband will need to learn how to manipulate the FIL. With guardianship, comes a huge responsibility and work, accounting for everything. Is your husband's POA a medical POA? If so, he could call and talk to the doctor(s) about his mental health. I suggest you not vent or display you frustrations in front of your daughter. She needs to understand that the FIL is acting as he does, because he can't help it. Even if your feelings are justified, she might not really understand why you are so angry with the FIL. Keep in mind, she is learning how to best deal and treat her elders from you. You never know what the circumstances may be when you and or your husband reach your FIL's age. My sister lives in the same town as my mom. Mom has dementia, to the point that she doesn't know who we are. Before she totally lost us she was really hateful towards my sister. My sister handled it as best as she could, but I think it had a negative impact on my early teen age nieces. They mirrored their mom's anger and frustration towards their grandmother instead of having empathetic feelings towards their grandmother, they are put in a position of feeling the need to protect their mother from a horrible mother.

In your question you seemed more concerned with being responsible for his health care needs than his financial needs. Unless there is language specifically charging the POA with health care proxy a POA only allows the attorney-in-fact to act with respect to financial and contractual matters, not healthcare decisions. A quick read of the document will tell you if healthcare is included.

Since there is no reason to make a decision now, don't. Things change, and if indeed you end up with POA that may be a good thing in that the matters you mentioned related to bank accounts and the house will be in your control.

You can decide at the time if you wish to accept appointment or not. If you refuse the language is very simple:

RESIGNATION

STATEMENT OF ATTORNEY-IN- FACT
AS TO UNWILLINGNESS OR INABILITY TO ACT


I, ______________, of __(Address)______, ____(City), _____(State), __(Zip), a resident of _________ County, __(State), named as Attorney-in-Fact under a Durable Power of Attorney executed by ______________, then a resident of and domiciled in ____(City), ___(State), and dated the ___ day of ________, 20__, do hereby state that I am unwilling to act as such Attorney-in-Fact as of the date of the execution of this document.


Executed this ___ day of ______, 20__


___________________________________________
(Your Name)

I think the points Mr. Robbins makes are excellent. There is definitely a difference between Power of Attorney and Medical Proxy. (I have both for my husband, who has dementia and Parkinsonism), but our son, who works in the field of finance, is the backup for the POA and our daughter, who is a medical research associate, is the backup for the Medical Proxy. (I wouldn't want to see either of them in the other one's position.) As Mr. Robbins said, it may be very much to your advantage at a later date to have POA if it should come to that.

I didn't make it clear in my post that I am paying for the adult day care and the respite care at the memory care facility for my husband out of pocket since my husband doesn't have long term insurance or Medicaid. I was just hoping that since those insurances considered these to be medical expenses, that the IRS might consider them to be medical expenses and therefore tax deductible.

I can tell you from my experience of being my mother's POA, there is a lot to it if they go into a nursing home. My siblings have basically used that as an excuse to let me do all of the work in taking care of her finances and medical issues. The nursing home calls me all of the time for whatever they need permission for or to tell me something. I would not see my mother go without having someone look after her needs but it is a much bigger job than I ever imagined and has let my siblings put it all on me. I told my brother I would not do it for him, as he refused to help me with my mom but had me in his will as POA, etc., expecting me to do the same for him if he needed it!

I pay my Mother's POA $400.00 a month. He has a 90 minute drive one way, to check on her. I pay his dad $100.00, to take Mother fruit and sit with her a little. It is well worth it, as I am 1500 miles away.

I want to thank everyone for their responses and sharing their stories. My husband does not have POA in ANY form yet. My father-in-law's stipulations drawn up by his attorney is that he must be declared mentally imcompetendant by 2 doctors. He refuses to go to any doctor now.
Hospice and visiting nurses have told my husband he must do something because FIL is mentally unstable, the next day my husband is told he MUST explain ALL medicines and procedures needed to be done to him because he has a RIGHT to know all that is going on.
So...one day we are told he can't understand and the next that he must have all knowledge because he has to make his own decision. We said that somebody needs to get their story straight first and then tell it.
He has had these "episodes" before. The last bad one was 4 years ago. The hospital said that he needed to go to a rehab facility to get his strength back and he would always blame my husband and say, "he put me in a nursing home." The fact that he could walk, had strength, later could drive again, make out his bills and go party and gamble was all lost on him.
So my husband said he is not taking POA. He said if his dad gets better he will take him to court on expenses saying they were not necessary and if he does anything medically, he will say that too was unnecessary.
We are doing the bare basics of human necessity. After that, we are done.