Hello! My 97 year old mom has been in the nursing home for almost 2 months now. The food there is AWFUL and so I’ve been bringing her a lot of food during the week, plus I take her out of there and bring her home a few times a week. She has a roommate who is 84 and is wheelchair bound, incontinent, etc. She needs that special lift to get her in and out of bed. She’s a cute lady who still wears makeup and fake lashes, has a “fiancé” friend in the home and is a character. I was glad that my mom has someone like that she can talk with etc. This lady has no outside family that comes to see her. Once my mom moved in and I started bringing coffee, food etc. of course I offered some to her. Well 2 months later it has evolved into me being a personal door dash delivery person. If I take my mom to the diner the roommate puts in a request. If I take my mom home for dinner I have to bring a plate back for her. Even if we get back at 9 at night, she’ll wake up and eat my food. Then she started making requests for me to get her things like a case of soda, eyelash glue, eyelashes, miracle gro spray for her plants. She always says “I’ll give you money” but of course never actually does and of course I would not even take it. They only get $50 a month, how could I do that? So it put me in a situation where I can’t say no but then I get resentful because I can’t keep shelling out money on this lady. The BLT from the diner she requested one night was $15. I can’t keep that pace up. Plus the stress of just running back and forth, thinking what to feed them besides taking care of myself and my own family is just way too overwhelming. She loves my chicken soup and had actually requested it one day and like a dope I’m up at 6 a.m. one morning making it. My husband was furious because he said I know you’re only up making the soup at this time because she requested it and you had to fit in when you were going to get it made. And he was right. I started bending over backwards and doing more for this lady than my own mom. she is very needy. She also cleaned out the dresser of snacks my mom had. She would just keep asking for snacks and of course my mom shares them. As much as I feel bad for her I don’t like the nervy way about her. She has been in nursing homes for 16 years and had managed without me before. Fast forward to today, where she overheard my mom complaining about her taking advantage of me to someone out in the hallway, and she called me to tell me. Oh, I forgot to mention she started calling me on her own and would fish around to see what I was making for dinner on the days I told my mom I wouldn’t be there. It was getting out of hand. So when she called me today I nicely started to tell her that it’s been too much for me. that I don’t mind bringing her stuff when I make it for my mom, but I can’t be taking requests and feeling obligated to do all of this extra stuff for her. Later on in the day the social worker called me and said he went and spoke with her because some nurses who have been seeing her behavior with me told him about it. He said that he’s going to tell her that I am no longer allowed to bring her food. He said he’ll take the blame and I should stop doing it. As much as I am glad that this craziness can end I actually feel bad because I didn’t mind bringing food in now and then for her when I brought it for my mom. But I guess she ruined it for herself because she became too demanding and was taking advantage too much. So now I have to figure out a new schedule and way to do things. I am going to tell my mom that I’ll take her home 3 days a week and not make any more visits to the home in between. This way I won’t be bringing any more food into the facility. I’ll take my mom home and feed her. And she has to get used to me going there a little less now and deal with the food there. The pace I was going was too hectic and I need a streamlined schedule now. I’m sure others can relate to this situation!
** Mission creep **
A lonely old lady meets a kind stranger. Lonely + giving can equal being taken advantage of.
The kindly person, steps in to help & slides right down into the endless bog of needs. Now smothering under the requests... until they say Hey what's happening here!
You saw the problem.
You are starting to make your own boundaries & new routines (go you).
You have the help of staff to install bigger, clearcut rules (excellent).
I think you got this!
I am sure that the roommate is a nice woman who can be charming and has some good qualities, but she has taken advantage of your generosity.
Since the social worker has responded to the issue, it is resolved. I wonder how she will respond to these stipulations. I hope that she won’t take it out on your mom. Be on the lookout because you never know how someone will react.
Have you considered asking if your mom could move to a different room?
Have you inquired to see if the food will improve at your mom’s nursing home? It’s a shame that you are cooking so much to bring food to your mom. Plus bringing her home to eat. That’s a lot of work for you.
When my mom did rehab in a nursing home I occasionally brought treats for her roommate and a few others in the facility. If this is done on a regular basis though it will add up.
Wishing you all the best.
What did this woman do before you started being her valet? She won't die and shrivel up if you stop. With a smile just say "Sorry I wont' do that." and then go about your business. If you give her an excuse she'll negotiate and beg. Eventually when you say no consistently, she will stop asking and expecting.
Or, you can present her with all the receipts or an itemized bill for everything you've purchased for her and tell her that until you are repaid you can't afford to do anything more. But I'd go with just saying no. For your own sake (and your husband's) you need to make and defend healthy boundaries.
If you don't get a spine then you'll be "re-arranging" and avoiding every roommate and person that causes you discomfort and that you don't want to disagree with or say no to. This is a basic life skill. It's not too late to learn it and it's very liberating.
You are a nice person for reaching out to the lady. Your heart was in the right place. It’s too bad she took advantage.
I can relate. My parents don’t like the food either. The months I am visiting I offer now and then. I don’t want it to become expected that I do this every day. I’ve found that they may ask for something and often the next day they don’t want it which is a waste of time and money.
The other way is that "YOU created a monster".
A bit of levity here, but this poor dear is dealing with a broken brain, and you walked right into all this, allowed its escalation, and did so until you ran into the brick wall of being unable to take it anymore with a working brain.
It's a sad a cute story to tell the truth, but this is how it goes in all of life, and it's a lesson. We tell people who we are. If we are caregivers they accept that being a caregiver is our role, what we DO. And they are RIGHT.
You just experienced something that all caregivers go through. Taking on too much because in a sense it is what you love to do; it feeds your sense of who you are--a good person. Then it got too much and you had to pull back. That doesn't make you a bad person, but it will anger the one you took on the world for when you say you aren't up to the battle anymore.
Will give you a little story myself here. I had a best friend, fellow nurse, a gay woman with a partner who was quite narcissistic. My friend did EVERYTHING for her partner. Drove her places, picked her up, shopped, cooked and cleaned, available at all times. Then she got sick. And had needs and the partner was furious with her. Actually threw a rocker down a flight of stairs one day. Needless to say the relationship broke down when my friend couldn't fulfill the contract SHE HAD CREATED. A shrink was quick to tell her in therapy "YOU were the one who broke the contract. You got sick."
It's a good story I always think of when I am tempted to take on too much, say yes too often.
Sure wish you the best. You wound this up and can wind it down, but it will take time and explaining that you honestly are sorry but you cannot blah blah blah.
Best out to you. All will survive your pulling back. But they won't "LIKE it".
You gave us a wonderful example of the importance of knowing when to dial it back.
Your friend had a therapist like I had. One who didn’t sugarcoat anything, a no nonsense guy, who didn’t pull any punches. These are the people who help us the most in our lives.
You’re also correct in saying that others won’t like us developing a backbone.
Many of us have been in these awkward situations. We have to be selective about who we help out.
Some people need a little help to get over a bump in the road and are appreciative. Others are master manipulators who will want more and more.
The staff had brought this to my attention and they were going to move my mom to a different room.
Mom was #4 of 10 children and always lent a hand. So, they changed my moms room and things were better for mom. She was back getting involved with the activities and made friends..
She can't continue at all. No more running errands for the roommate. She will only get more pushy and more demanding if the OP continues to shop for her and bring food.
If she wants to be nice she can bring a pizza by once a month and invite the roommate to share in the meal.
You can tell the roommate directly yourself that she is not to call you and that she is not to touch your mother's snacks. If your mother offers her something then fine, but not if she doesn't and if she steals she will be prosecuted. That should do it.
I am sorry to hear that your kindness was rewarded by being taken advantage of. With some people you give them an inch and they take a mile. Then they expect it. Nope.
The social worker did the right thing. Maybe they will "allow" you to bring a pizza once a month for your mother and this roommate?
You could request a different roommate for your mother. Or look for a better facility.
I vowed then, I would never volunteer to do for someone again. If asked, I probably would, but that does not obligate u like volunteering. GFs mother lived near us. DH would ask if I wanted to stop, I said no. Why, because I knew I would be drawn back in. Now GFs Mom was in her late 80s. GF and her DH had passed away. Her children were of no use. So Mom was alone. GF an only child and so was Mom. I just knew she would be needy. After caring for my Mom for 3 years with Dementia, I couldn't do it again. Once u start its so hard to say No. GFs mother did find a younger woman to friend who did for her. Met her, very nice lady.
You were lucky that staff saw what was going on. Maybe this woman had done it to others. You learned.