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I'm so sorry your mom has tantrums so often. That is really tough to deal with. You asked about resources....well, THIS is a good website for you, and I"m glad you're reaching out. I've done searches for dementia and alzheimer's and read a lot about what is happening in folks' brains when they have this disease. That has helped me realize how my mom isn't choosing her behavior most of the time. That doesn't mean the behavior doesn't bother me. But somehow it helps me to have knowledge of what may be going on.
I believe your mom definitely CANNOT be talked out of her tantrums. When I resort to trying to reason with my mom, I've lost the battle. When she's in a delusional state, it means she is unable to reason. Period. Right now there are times when I can reason with her, but not when she is angry or delusional or in pain. People talk about finding out what is "beneath" the behavior, but I haven't gotten the knack of that yet. I just keep trying to distract by bringing up something completely unrelated or trying to get her into a different room....but often it won't work for an hour or 2. Eventually it usually does work. (Not sure what we'll do when distraction doesn't take hold for several hours rather than just the 1 or 2 hours).
How does she respond to talking about old times? Can you look at old pictures with her and encourage storytelling? This might help you stay connected with your mom as your mom. I wish I could find an article my mom gave to me 4 or 5 years ago written in first person by a woman imploring that her daughter remember that deep inside her would always be the little girl that loved to play dress up. When I'm at my most frustrated I picture my mom as a little girl on the farm with my G'ma and PaPa, and somehow it helps (well, sure, I cry sometimes when I do that, but it can help).
Wishing you peace and at least glimpses of joy.
I am losing patience. Sometimes I just want to walk away. Any suggestions about maintaining a love an compassion for her will be welcomed. Charlie
That is the woman you loved all your life.....But is that person alive or is it just a body that has not chosen to shut down yet? When I can say the latter, I have no emotions. My pastor says I have hit acceptace...perhaps I have. But I stay in my room with my dogs and hold on tight to the angels that are everywhere, and the Lord to pull me thru it. I did not help I know. But do not feel guilty....Perhaps my Pastor is correct....We have hit acceptace...I used to get angry with her cause she had this. But then I reallized She can not help plaque is building in her brain. Her voice is still with me, her body is still with me....But her mind is gone. So hang in there. You will know soon how come you feel like you do....Just know you are not alone. Yeah like that helps. But that is all I have to offer you. My time and understanding.....HUGS TO YOU.....SHARON
I will pray for you. Mom is still very present, she bathes, gets her hair done and so on. so I think my road is easier than yours. Your words have helped me to find gratitude for what is still here . God and all of his angels are indeed looking after you. I wish you peace/ One thing I do know is that when this is over we will not regret the time we spent and the things we did.
If I did not do for her now, I would regret it as long as I live
Hugs back Charlie
She does....So I honestly feel that is why she is still moble....So keep that in mind...I am here if you ever need to talk..Okay? Hugs to you...Sharon
Please bare in mind...dementia effects the brain and it's chemicals..and the disconnection of the sensory's ...we see our loved ones at times and other times, they are not there, they are vacant. They might tell stories the feel are true. But to reason with them is not the answer...again its the disease.
The dementia with my mom has changed her demeanor, her whole attitude at times. I'm sorry for your frustrations...but please remember they have no control over what is happening to them...as much as we do. I wished there was some miracle pill...but the only thing we can do right now..is love them no matter what. It might hurt sometimes..but we need to separate ourselves from that hurt and do what's best for them. And sometimes what's best is for us to walk away, or let someone in a facility take over...rejuvenate ourselves. Because sometimes how we react to what happening only makes it worst. As frustrating my dear mom can be at times...I will always kiss her on the cheek at night and tell her I love her. Sit with her on the bed, rub her back, put my arm around her. So she knows she is loved.
But most of all take care of you...God bless you all for what you are doing.
Second-I am so very very sorry for the tragic loss of your daughter. Breaks my heart. You need time to heal and , perhaps, counseling. Or a support group. Your mother sounds like she is not going to be a support for you -that she just may not have it in her. Does she have dementia? Or has she always been negative? Some people just cannot be empathetic or at least, communicate empathy. My mom is very very self involved -has been her whole life and more so since her stroke and subsequent dementia . I went to a therapist when she was diagnosed to deal with my demons with her. I had always wanted an " aha moment " with her-a time when she would finally look at me and apologize for all the thing she did to hurt me but when her diagnosis of Alzheimer's came ( she now has a different diagnosis but similar ) I knew that I would not get an apology from her and that from then on she would need me and I did not know if I could do it without facing some issues. So I went to a good therapist for several months and worked through my anger and disappointment. It helped a lot. My mom did the best she could. She was not evil or mean spirited just very flawed. As we all are. I really had to forgive her without getting the apology I so wanted. And now I can help her without anger ( well, usually-there are still times when I get upset but I know the anger will pass).
I do not know if this will help you but know I will keep you in my prayers. Please try and find support. And God bless.
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Mishka and MsDaizy had made some good comments. So, I have nothing to add to it. I hope it helps you. HUGS!!! Book