Dealing with depression and self-neglect. What can I do?

I am currently 64 and I have been in her situation myself. I was in a severe depression for several years before I was willing to admit it, even to my psychiatrist. I have always been too good at covering up to the outside world. My house was a disaster and the only things that made me get up in the morning were my wonderful animals. They made sure I didn’t stay in bed forever. Once I discussed it with my shrink she put me on antidepressants. The change was amazing! I could start doing things again and she kept me from being too hard on myself and blaming myself for what my life had become. Her support was vital and the fact that she was not a family member also helped, we tend not to believe family as much because of the relationships, good or bad. Long term depression changes your physiology and people often need medications, trying to get out of it through only behavior changes usually doesn’t work. I have since discovered that many of my friends either are on or have been on antidepressants. There is no need for her to think less of herself for needing the help. I know good psychiatrists are hard to find so it is worth talking to her doctor since they can prescribe the meds as well. That is how I got my mother to take them for her covid isolation depression more recently. When you are in that type of depression you can’t believe that it will ever end but it can!
You deserve a life as well! You can be there for the emotional support and encouragement but she has to realize that she can take her life back again without taking over yours.
You are both in a difficult situation but there can be a light at the end of the tunnel! I know!
I wish you both luck and a brighter future! The work to get help is well worth it!

You are very insightful to recognize mom cannot live with you. Please hold tight to that. 65 is far from elderly and infirm so this decline sounds more like a cognitive issue. Does mom have obligations to occupy her time? The daily routine of going to work will not only keep her moving but also offer opportunity for socialization. Isolation and boredom will only intensify her detachment.
You’re in the prime of your life so please, do not take on the 24/7 caregiving of a 65 year old. As you can see from this forum, it is NOT a happy road to travel and a very slippery slope. Others post good advice to consult her MD for mental health evaluation to identify what has caused this spiral. Depression? Dementia? Please don’t take offense but attention getting? She may benefit from medication, counseling and importantly, engagement with others. Please, keep your own identity and life intact. Enjoy your work, friends, relationships as a 29 year old. You can love mom without losing yourself. I hope this all works out for you.

Welcome to the forum. Sorry your mom is not doing so well. I would talk to the doctor again and make a game plan. She needs a thorough evaluation to try to figure out what's going. Is she on any anti-depressants? Will she give permission for the counselor to update you on what her diagnosis might be? If not, you can still give the counselor info on the concerns you have shared here. I'm sure your mom is not telling the counselor all the info they need to help her.

I'm glad to read that you will not be taking her in. There's a lot going on here and you are MUCH too young to have to deal with this. If she gets evicted, she gets evicted. Don't spend your money fixing her problems. I'm not saying to turn your back on her but it's just a good idea to have boundaries so you don't get sucked in too deep in trying to solve someone else's problems.

Jen, what is an OP?

You've been a good daughter and done what needed to be done. Now her condition is such that she needs more help. Through her doctor or local council on aging, you can access a social worker who will advise you and your mom. By getting this rolling right now, your mom will have less chance of becoming homeless if she's evicted. By no means should you take her in, so stick to that position.

You should emphasize to the doctor and any social agencies that she is unsafe living alone. That she is a vulnerable adult. That you are worried that she's very sick, which she probably is because no mentally well person would live like she is. And DO NOT get involved with paying her landlord or other bills she owes. You aren't responsible for paying them, she is. Good luck.

It sounds like you feel her doctor is concerned, but may not be taking enough action—keep in mind seeing a counselor is a great start. The “wait and see” attitude may be better than introducing more medication if your mom is already taking a lot. If this doesn’t turn around in six months, ask for a referral to a psychiatrist (geriatric may be best)-it is always better to see a specialist over a generalist anyway.

Depression is clearly at work here and it can be a slippery slope. Everything you write about is another sign. You mention that she has been “low” for about 5 years, so your statement suggests that was a change from her previous personality.

Advancing age, illness, aches and pains, living alone, added weight, decreasing self-esteem, etc can all gradually push someone down. It is wonderful that you have recognized that she might need to help ignite her desire to turn this around.

She is probably lonely and extinguishing her sorrow with food. It is not your responsibility to produce her social entertainment, but holding her hand as she pulls herself up could make all the difference.

Before working on her messy house, investigate ways to get her active and back out in the world. (The messy house is on its own, likely contributing to her sadness and isolation).

Church, Synagogue (or any religious organization which brings community), volunteer clubs, special interest clubs, charities, movie clubs, lunch clubs, support groups, dating, book clubs… or any of this could help get her back on track.

The nice thing about religious organizations or volunteer clubs, is they plan the project for you. You can be filling backpacks one week and cooking at a soup kitchen the next. It is always different. Once she realizes that she LOVES cooking for a soup kitchen, she can go there directly, but with these organizations, she can “try out” different opportunities with less commitment. At the same time, she could start connecting with new friends, taking some of the pressure off you to be her entire social life. These opportunities will remind her that she doesn’t have it so bad.

You could also give her a “leg up” by trying out a gym or workout place together, or even walking around the mall. if she wants to go in a particular shop, walk first and enter the shop later as a non food “treat.” If she has mobility issues, try out a water exercise class. Go to the hot tub or sauna as a “treat” afterward. Because she will have to take a shower before entering the pool, she will be forced to get her body cleaned up!

My 84 year old mom had become quite immobile and almost reclusive following a serious surgery and so I started taking her everyday to a mall to walk. The surface was flat and nice weather was not a prerequisite. (She had been falling frequently). At first she could only walk from one bench to the next and only with assistance (I had one arm and my daughter had the other, kind of like a rollator, but with family encouragement). We worked slowly-2 benches the next day…eventually together up to 2 miles without rest. Sometimes she had a bad day and didn’t do as well. Her prize was a look in a jewelry store, where merely looking reignited her desire to live. After building up to two miles, she started going on her own. Her balance was greatly improved. Getting her out into the world was key. Your mom may need to bring a rollator with a chair as benches aren’t as frequently found in the mall these days.

if you are seriously worried about eviction, there are counselors that specialize in helping hoarders. Even watching a show together may open up conversation. Save this problem until after you work to get her out into the world. Living in her messy home may otherwise be too overwhelming and may overcome her.

Good Morning,

After reading your article you may be too young to realize what is happening. Sounds like you need to build a "team" for Mom. Your mother is still rather young but you might want to consider a Geriatric Neuro Psych doctor and a Psychiatrist but keep in mind you need to thoroughly check out all of these doctors on your local State Medical Board.

Some of the Psychiatrists pick their profession by what they are going through.
In other words, it can be like the blind leading the blind to put it mildly.

A primary care doctor can do some blood work. Blood work can tell a lot for vitamin deficiency, lack of potassium, anemia, etc. I highly suggest to sign up for the portal. Gone are the days sitting by the phone waiting for the doctor to call. The portal is convenient and the test results are at your finger tips.

Your mother needs more than what you can/are providing, however, you are a great daughter. You should be commended. You don't want things to spiral out of control. Just getting out of the Pandemic, this Pandemic has caused a lot of problems for people that prior to the Pandemic they were able to hang on.

As the body ages sometimes the brain lacks dopamine. Basically, the neurotransmitters do not connect properly. So everyday seems like I will just muddle through. The right medication(s) can help your Mom but it may take a while to adjust.

A shower chair, a trip to the hairdressers and the Dollar Store for cleaning products could be a start. I would check your mother's online checking account each morning so that her bills are paid "on time" and do not go out to collections or hurt her credit score.

Honestly, I don't think it's laziness, I think it could be the executive functioning skills declining or possibly Lewy Body Dementia. I am NOT a medical personnel but your mother cannot be left to fend for herself on this. She needs an evaluation, continuously every (6) months so they can compare if patient is "thriving" or declining.

If she lives alone she probably doesn't want to cook. Do you blame her? There are all kinds of services today--senior centers, respite, meals on wheels, grocery delivery, etc.

It sounds like everything--financial, health, living environment is starting to head downward BUT you probably have caught it in time! You don't want things to get worse. And that's exactly why you are writing on this forum.

You can also have the PCP write a scrip for a CNA (female) to come and give your mother a shower. There are all kinds of services--study your mother's medical insurance, etc.

I am a firm believer in being involved in a Church. If your Mom can't get out right now they will come and visit. Explain to the Pastor and people especially around the Holidays like to help.

Is it wise for mother to live alone? You mentioned it's going on 5 years now. A woman in a house nowadays, in my humble opinion, is never a good idea. A roommate perhaps, a condo, a studio apartment or if you can find a senior housing close to you--although the wait lists are in the 1,000's.

Your mother is only 64. You are only 29. I would make a plan of action, take baby steps and break one branch off at a time.

Your mother is lucky to have you. There is help out there and I thought the other responses on this post made sense. Your are going to need different people to provide different services. Build your team and keep Mom on a schedule. You can get a camera/sensor through internet provider so if Mom leaves or wanders.

Is Mom drinking enough water, does she have a UTI and that is why she is not acting herself. Is she dehydrated? All these things can cause a perfect storm but a lot of these things can be managed and controlled since mother is only in her 60's.

I will pray for you.

If she will go to see a psychiatrist, make the appointment and take her. If they prescribe meds, make sure she takes them as prescribed. Meds in combination w/ talk therapy is an effective treatment plan. Find a reputable counselor that she will meet with and talk to on a regular basis. Hopefully, you both will begin to notice that she is "feeling", "thinking", and "doing" (activity) better.
Peace be with you.

Jennifer2022: She needs to revisit her primary care physician, who should refer her to a psychiatrist, who would be able to prescribe depression medication. Also, her town's Council on Aging should have on staff an elder caseworker and a social worker, who would be able to help with your mother's ADL need.

Jennifer
I have a friend whose sister was diagnosed with something called “learned helplessness”. I’m not saying this is what your mom has but your post reminded me of my friends sister.
The sisters lived in different states. Cali and NM. My friend (NM) found her recently widowed sister living in filth with her cat and about to lose her condo to a corrupt social worker.
Through Kaiser insurance and area agency on aging help, friend got sister to a therapist and a psychiatrist. She was put on meds and in exchange for friend paying her sisters mortgage, sis had to do three things. She had to see the therapist, take the meds and walk 10,000 steps per day.
Sis was on a tight budget, friend had set up her bills to auto pay and she occasionally checked her bank account to make sure the bills were being paid.
Sis wouldn’t walk outdoors but she walked in her condo each day.
The initial visit was in 2017. A couple of years later the sisters met at a family thanksgiving in Texas. This was like a miracle that sis would fly anywhere. While they were together friend got sis a cell phone and required a text be sent to her daily with what sister was thankful for (3 things).

She still had to do the first three with docs and steps.
The sister was very faithful to do the required things. She is in her 70s and otherwise did nothing all day that friend could identify besides watch the news.
In 2021 friend went back to Cali and helped her sister clear out the condo to sell. Sis had decided she would leave Cali and move to Texas to her childhood town. The therapist had encouraged this. It had been four years since the initial visit. Each piece of mail that had come for four years was stacked up, It appeared she had stopped cooking. Otherwise all was the same. Sis looked about the same. Seemed almost catatonic to friend. Sis stopped the therapy and the walking the same week friend arrived. All their time was spent on clearing and cleaning her condo for resale. It took several months to get the property ready and was hard on both of them. The market was great (Huntington Beach). Friend found sis an apartment to rent in Texas, had her car transported to Texas filled with only the belongings she was able to keep. All else hauled away. Friend flew her sister to Texas where she was met by a nephew and taken to her new apartment. She had a bed, a chair, a tv and didn’t want anything else. The tv only picked up one channel. That was fine with sis. The condo sold the 1st day on the mkt. Friend was repayed all the mortgage payments etc and now the sis texts friend each day her blood sugar numbers (long time diabetic) and # of steps taken and what she is grateful for.
They saw each other this past Thanksgiving. Friend taught her sister how to stream. She didn’t get her text for a few days and friend said “I know sis is on that tv”.
Friend was adamant that she would not be her sisters caregiver. She would help her but she had the strict rules of what sis had to do in exchange for that help. When she was at her sisters apartment friend noticed her sis still had not unpacked all her boxes from her car. She is content to live her life alone and make her short trip to the grocery and to her doctor and that is about it.
My friend worked very hard on herself as she did not want to become a caregiver. She lives a very busy life and has helped her sister over the years and been burned. So she set this up for minimal involvement and with zero tolerance for sis not keeping her side of the bargain. Slowly the sister is taking responsibility for her own life.
I would suggest you negotiate your involvement to where mom is doing things for herself instead of you sacrificing your life to prop her up. It does sound like she has started by seeing a therapist.
When friend was with sis in Cali. baths, shampoos and clean clothes were mandatory, it was an issue. They took turns cooking once they got the kitchen clean and the tv was off while they worked 8-5.