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Also, you say your mom has had some mini strokes. Do you think she could also be dealing with some dementia. Do you think the stress of your father's illness and her sleep deprivation have contributed to her mini strokes?
You are obviously pro-active in trying to keep peace and understanding in the household. Take care and keep posted.
My parents were living in a volatile situation until fate stepped in and my father was in the hospital, rehab. and subsequently passed away a short time later. I don't know how your father feels about being away from your mother, but for my father it was an opportunity to have "real peace" - it was the most peaceful I had seen him in a long time.
Facilities can offer care and a place to rest. Ultimately, staying in one's home is what most people want; but when health is failing, a facility can be a good alternative. And you can monitor the care. Take care and will keep you in my prayers.
I have two things to suggest. One, do you and your mom spend time together without him? Do you go out to dinner together? Go shopping or see a movie...just you and your mom...and "get away". Making a special effort to give her and your relationship attention may help. But, I think it would be short term.
Secondly, it sounds to me like it's time to consider moving your dad from the home to a facility where he can receive care. This will take the load off of you. You can also spend more time with your mom. Plus, the cause of hostility will be out of the house, where your mother lives and observes. Remember, it's her house too. It's her life too. You and she can visit him as often and as long as you like. But, then you and your mom can get away from the things that irk her.
In my situation, my dad's demeanor changed for the better when my mom was hospitalized and then was in rehab...taking her out of the house for about a month. He visited her and spent hours with her each day. But, he knew there was an escape from the burden of caring for her and he could sleep. It gave him hope of having a good day himself.
Don't know if you have considered a facility...either temporarily or permanently...or what your thoughts are on that issue. But, I think it may be best for everyone involved. Good luck and I hope your family finds peace.
Bert Cave, Support For Home
I know this is all difficult for you but you have to be strong and remember “This Too Shall Pass”. Here is a song for you; click on the link or copy and paste it in your browser and listen to these words of comfort by Yolanda Adams. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jgnfqI2fP7s. GOD BLESS YOU!