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https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-and-dating-relationships-142878.htm
Good luck,
Carol
Good luck.
Dating doesn't have always be in person and for extended hours. It doesn't have to be a traditional date where you leave the house and go someplace. You can have long telephone calls, e-mail regularly, and when you do have a caregiver to come in you can slip away even just for coffee.
You're only 62 - I wish I was that young again! I'd do a lot over, beginning with arranging for respite care, whether it's through you or your mother's church, your friends, or an agency. Even if you don't get out of the house, go into another room and get some down time. These little breaks will help you see life more positively, and that will help in approaching options for the limited dating time.
Support groups are wonderful if you can find them; if not, think about starting your own.
Libraries have free musical concerts in our area; check them out; perhaps join a book club - you might meet someone who shares your interests and you can actually consider the meetings a substitute date.
Don't let yourself be trapped in a negative thought mode; think not "will I ever" but "how can I"?
When I was fresh out of business school I went from casual friends to dating a guy who was taking care of his Mother. (She had major mental issues, was in and out of facilities all of her life, her husband died young, and she had no other kids.) I thought it was sweet that he would help her like that around his working a full time job and taking care of a house/yard/etc. It didn't put me off if that is what you mean. But, I was very busy with my own things, so I wasn't looking to spend a ton of time with anyone, (a couple of hours once or twice a week was plenty during the getting to know each other phase), plus I've always been very flexible. If he showed up to pick me up for a date and said I hope you don't mind, I kind of need to pick up a prescription for my Mom and take it to her, it didn't bother me. I'd already cleared that block of time as far as my schedule, didn't care what we did together during "our" time. It didn't bother me later either as things progressed, it was just part of his life. No different than guys that are tied to a job that requires some nights and weekends, or sports teams, or hobbies. If someone really likes you, it shouldn't matter to them. I married him, almost 30 years ago. :-)
Don't the hospice people handle dressing and feeding of your mother? This was one of their responsibilities in the hospice situation of which I'm aware which did occur at home. You might want to discuss this with them to see how much they can do to help relieve your own responsibilities.
Is the house being foreclosed by equity (through a lawsuit) or advertisement?
As to the foreclosure, this is just a guess and I don't know if it's possible, but has your lawyer attempted to get a forbearance agreement, based on something such as partial payments, and also based on undue hardship because of your mother's terminal cancer?
If you could make partial payments, that could be grounds for a forbearance agreement. This would provide that the lender wouldn't foreclose if you met the terms of the agreement. If the lender is Bank of America, you're probably out of luck. But it wouldn't hurt to try if the lender is more reasonable.
We did this in commercial settings, and I do know that Bank of America did make that option available for underwater residential mortgages. The difference though is that BofA made the terms and conditions so unreasonable that they couldn't be met.
You should also have received a list of debt/loan counselors who could assist you with dealing with the lender. Have any of them been contacted?
I have lived with my Dad (soon to be 90) for over 2 years, after my step Mother passed away. Two days after she passed away, my Dad asked me if I could move in with him. When he first asked me that, I didn't honestly know what to say! At the age of 51, I certainly didn't see myself living at "home", at this point of my life. After thinking about it, for about a week, I told him that I would do that, for "him". After all, he is one that brought me into this world and has been supportive of me all of these years. I felt that I owed him this.
When I have asked friends about me dating and what to say to potential dates, all of my friends told me, "If a woman can't understand/support what you are doing for your Dad, you don't want that woman in your life!". When I thought about that, my friends are absolutely right. I have a woman that lives over 2 hours away, that understands/supports my situation, but the distance makes it very difficult.
I do all of the necessary things to maintain the home. When I do all of the "shopping", on Saturday, when I'm finished, I meet up with my friends for a couple of hours simply to cleanse myself and try to not think about what I have to do for the next 6 days. I take him to all of his Dr appointments (diagnosed with throat cancer over a year ago), make meals and all of the other chores to maintain a home. My 2 older siblings basically don't have anything to do with Dad. One stops to see him once a week or two weeks. The other sees him maybe once a year, if he has the time. I can't understand how they can treat Dad that way, but it's not my problem.
As much as I would love to have a relationship with a woman, being the caretaker for my Dad makes it extremely difficult, but we all know that life doesn't last forever. I am so thankful for my friends, that I get together with every week. If it weren't for them, I think I would fold.
Just try to stay the course and like I said...we all know that life doesn't last forever and it's up to "us" to help those that allowed us to have a "life".
Moondance, I also was wondering about your comment. Why did you find it amusing? I thought it was kind of sad.
My bedroom is located in the basement, directly below my Dad's bedroom. Every night, I sleep with one ear tuned in, to what is going on upstairs. I have got up several nights to check on him walking around and have had to literally pick him up off the floor 3 nights.
It's very wearing and yes, I DO feel as though I'm doing something "wrong" IF I go out to have some fun and I know that I shouldn't feel that we, but I know that we all DO!
My Dad doesn't want to end up in a nursing home and I can TOTALLY understand that. I'm going to continue doing my best to keep him from going there and just hope that I'm able to keep myself together while doing so!
I know well the feeling that a caregiver's time needs to be prioritized for the elder first and foremost, and I'm sure there are people here who could speak more eloquently about their personal experiences with this issue.
I also don't think it's unusual to feel guilty about going out to enjoy oneself, but it's probably one of the best remedies available to caregivers. A good, relaxing, enjoyable time away from the caring environment can be refreshing, revitalizing, and help carry through for the next day or week or month or hopefully longer.
Zombie never say that You are not attractive because real beauty comes from deep within Your Soul. You cared for Your Mum before She passed away, now You are caring for Your Dad..that tells Me that You are a really kind, and decent, wonderful Lady, if that isn't beauty..I do not know what is.