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I cringed at the idea of slipping anti-depressants into his coffee. I know you were joking, but that's really gambling - do you know for a fact that a script your mother obtained could be safely used by your father?
Perhaps you can approach the issue a different way. Tell your parents you want to make sure that they're as strong as they can be to enjoy life for several more decades, vacation, and be safe, and would like to explore options for strengthening Dad's stability and balance.
Start with a primary care doctor or internist, then ask about a good orthopedic doctor and therapy for Dad's balance. Speak with the doctor's staff privately before the appointment to share your concerns and caution her/him not to discuss your specific concerns about Dad's behavioral changes directly with your father as most likely he'll either not recognize the changes or deny them.
And you want the full benefit of anything else the doctor may find - it's too easy to view elders in the context of dementia and depression when there could be something more physical amiss.
Something has caused a change in his behavior but even if it is dementia, one way or the other you'll have to figure out how to get him to see a doctor. Using a pretense such as the falling issue or making sure he remains fit enough to drive and vacation might be successful. Good luck.
Does he have regular checkups? If so, and if you are his health care proxy, you could ask the doctor beforehand to give him the Montreal Cognitive Exam (or whatever test s/he uses. This will enable the doctor to figure out just how far along he is if he is suffering from dementia. From there, they will possibly give him an MRI.
My mother had an unreasonable fear of psychiatrists because in her thinking to see one would validate what we've all known for decades, her depression. It wasn't until she was hospitalized for the paranoia, delusional thinking, dementia, etc., that she was placed on small amounts of anti depressants and medication for the paranoia/delusional thinking. She functions much better now and quite frankly, I don't believe she understands she is taking this meds.
Please - let's take the stigma out of going to see a psychiatrist (preferably, if you can, one who deals in geriatric medicine an is BOARD CERTIFIED in their field). His behavior could be the result of depression because he knows he's not going back to FL and he sees his wife happy or it could be dementia. Nobody will know until the diagnosis is given.
I nope this all works out for you. Let's take the 'crazy' out of mental illness.
Please, if you are in a more urban area, try to find a geriatric doctor who is also Board Certified. My mom is from MA, so it's easy to find good doctors, but there's this joke in FL, where my home is, that 'all doctors are 'geriatric doctors', which isn't true. Look up Geriatric Medicine. It's a new specialty and all doctors are not geriatric doctors. Even in FL, where medicine is getting better and better each day, a doctor has to be Board Certified to state he is a geriatric doctor. A geriatrician will NOT slough off a pain here and there. S/he will not say, "Oh, it's old age'...I lost my FIL to cancer of the bone because his doctor told him his pain was a result of arthritis without even taken an xray which would have found the cancer. I'm really big on geriatric medicine! I've seen it work and I'm impressed. But, as I wrote above, it's just not a specialty that's taken hold in many states. I was surprised to find that in FL, there are many doctors who I'm sure are wonderful, but there are not many 'geriatric' board certified physicians.
Other than that, all I can offer is sympathy. My parents used to take verbal bites out of each other all the time and it made me feel ill. They, I have to say, never even seemed to notice. If your mother is miserable, that might actually be because she's really worried about him, of course. One more thing to mention to their doctor? Best of luck.
Find something that is important to your father, driving, sleeping, sex, peeing, getting around like he used to. That is what would make him see participating in medications or any kind. What is important to HIM. Mom took antidepressants for nerve pain in her hip and as a secondary effect, it helped her not to wet herself! That is what kept her taking the pills! We were interested in her taking the pills because she was so moody, angry, irritable.
Your father's balance could be something as simple as an ear inflammation. I think we all fear hearing catastrophic news if we see the doctor. My dad had chest pains, finally saw the doctor to find out is was a hernia. He was so relieved to discover it was not his heart.
Any doctor will want to make sure nothing is physically wrong before considering mental health type issues. Maybe his MD will treat this a "routine" complete physical and explore strokes, etc.
Also, when you first become aware that you are loosing control of your thought processing, forgetting stuff, not hearing or seeing well, it is frightening. Anger is a natural reaction to fear.
Work out a safety plan for your mother (go next door and call you for example). She also must not argue with him if he is no longer able to control his reactions. They might have been equal verbal sparring partners before, but no longer.
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