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I’ve been (daughter) caregiver to my Dad who lives with me. He’s 99 and has mobility issues - toilets by himself changes his own depends and uses a rollator. I do all his meals - admin meds- eye drops - laundry etc. He has a medical alert and we have a Knox box in case fire dept has to get in house should he fall. I take him to all med appts in transport chair.
He sleeps in recliner in his room as he has difficulties getting in and out of bed.
He has nurse coming 3x per week taking care of bed sore. I take him to all appointment
He uses a small light throw blanket and he always says put it on me - the short end side - so this evening I place it in him and he says I’m giving him wide end and I say no it’s correct and he turns it around and is actually now placing wide end in lap so feet not covered. I say no that’s wrong and try to correct it - well he WENT OFF INTO A TANTRUM SAYING I WAS CRAZY REALLY REALLY CRAZY - and he was going to report me for abuse. I recorded it in my phone so my brother can hear it when I see him next. I tried to say what’s wrong and he started swearing and said you went to visit a your friend today and he named the town and yes I did visit a lady from a social group u used to belong to but it was only for 1/2 hour visit and I included stopping at grocery store also. He also said I talk incessantly - why would I want talk to someone who doesn’t even hear me or understand what I’m saying. I just took him for hearing test last week and made an appt for new hearing aids but ear doc said that they may not help only increase sound but his age is showing trouble with cognition of words.
i go to local senior center once a week in afternoon to play canasta and he says What are you going there for? I always do his meals first and make sure he is settled and comfortable when I leave.
i went into my kitchen and just cried my eyes out in disbelief because I do so much for him for a little over two years now. Hospital stays I am his advocate for everything. I told him if he acts like this he will go to rehab and he just said nothing and started at me like a deer in the headlights.
Please tell me I’m not alone in this. I retired just last December and wasn’t planning on spending it like this.

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You’re not alone in this. The situation you describe is a reason that elders need to go to a care facility where professionals care for them.

You deserve better. He won’t improve, this is a downward slide. Realize that and find a good place for dad where he will have activities, socialization and friends. You’d both be happier.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Chiswicky Aug 11, 2024
Thank you - yes - he is not going to improve and will become more demanding. Hopefully we can get the help he needs and not have the burden fully rely on myself.
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No, you are not alone, and that's why so many elders end up living in care facilities. You have put a lot into this, and my guess is that you won’t give up just because of this one ‘meltdown’. I think it might be sensible to set yourself a limit of at least 3 bad experiences. Once he meets the limit, you start looking for placements. Don’t settle for just ‘some help’, because the bad experiences are likely to be focussed on YOU, not outside carers.
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Chiswicky Aug 11, 2024
Thank you - yes eventually he may need to go to a facility especially once he cannot do his own toileting.
I have nursing coming in 3x a week to do wound care so I will mention his episode to them and to my brother and we will go from there.
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If this behavior is new for your dad, I would take him and have him tested for a UTI, as that can cause these types of behaviors.
Otherwise it may be time to be looking into plan B, which of course is placing him in the appropriate facility.
Your dad has had his life and you deserve to have yours and live it as you choose and with peace in your retirement years.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Chiswicky Aug 11, 2024
Thank you!
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As already mentioned have him checked for a UTI.

Also tour facilities and place him asap , the ear doc told you his understanding of words is diminishing . This will get more difficult to handle .
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Reply to waytomisery
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Chiswicky Aug 11, 2024
Thank you I agree.
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Let him put his blanket on himself from now on. He is capable and that will avoid a fight with him over something so petty on his part.

I hope my parents don't live into their nineties. It sounds like a nightmare. I am sure this isn't the first incident with your father and it won't be the last.

Just read your profile. Yes dad needs to be put into a facility. He sounds like a real jerk. Then maybe you can get to live your life in peace for once. It is just sad it has to be when you are in your seventies or eighties.
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Chiswicky Aug 11, 2024
Yes I agree. Will do. Thank you!
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If you cannot care for your father understanding fully that he is no longer in control of his faculties and is therefore not responsible for these outbursts, then to be honest you should not be attempting home care of him, and it's time for placement. Given his age of 99 this is all somewhat self-limited in any case. There is no reason you should be attempting your Dad's care at home. You have a right to enjoy your retirement without throwing your body atop your dad's funeral pyre.

You have decisions now that only you can make for yourself. I can only wish you good luck in making them and tell you I feel you should not be putting yourself through this.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Chiswicky Aug 11, 2024
Yes I agree - he has blood work tomorrow and both eye and orthopedic appts next week along with in home nurse visits for bed sore care. After that he has hearing aid appt. After those visits I will be better able to evaluate what the next steps are..
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If dad is showing trouble understanding words, that means he's suffering from dementia. He's having outbursts because they go with the territory for some, and some elders get very mean and entitled once dementia sets in. My mother was one of them. She lived in Memory Care Assisted Living and I'd have to cut visits and phone calls short at times because of the wretched things she'd say to me.

Given your father's age, you may want to hire caregivers for him in home from 8 am to 8 pm, or whatever, on his dime. That way, you can come and go as you please leaving the responsibility for dad to someone else. If he doesn't like it, he has the choice of moving to Assisted Living. I'm sure he'll understand THAT choice bc most elders dread the thought of AL, for some odd reason. Tell him you will not tolerate being mistreated anymore, you deserve better for all you've been doing. Dad sounds like a big fat bully, in reality. He needs a bit of his own medicine to fully grasp the impact it has on others. My mother always backed down when I gave it right back to her. Try it sometime.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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I’m sorry you got a lashing you didn’t deserve. Good advice already. Please get some additional help while he’s in your home and get yourself out more often
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Chiswicky Aug 11, 2024
After me doing my dad’s routine today breakfast meds he gets up at noon and just writing on paper I was going to visit a girlfriend for the afternoon I came home made his dinner an wrote on paper his dinner was ready on table. He later went and watched tv and I was sitting in kitchen watching YouTube he came in and apologized to me saying he was sorry for what he said and didn’t mean it and asked if I wanted to watch tv. I shook my head no and he said he was headed to bed so I did his eye drops, meds, removed compression stockings, he did inhaler and HE PUT ON HIS OWN BLANKET! I shut off the light and all was well.
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This is why I could not deal with Dementia. I like order and rules and Dementia its so unpredictable. Since this seems to be the first time this has happened with the blanket, the next time you don't argue. He says its wrong and changes it, let it go. Dad is 99 so there will be some cognitive problems. If he starts complaining about you leaving, this is alsova sign of cognitive decline. You may have to hire an aide, with his money, to sit with him while you out, Do not give up what you like to do.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I'm glad he apologized but I really think you should have made it clear that speaking to you like that in the future would not be tolerated.
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