Hello all. This forum looks wonderfully supportive and I am hoping to gain advice and support as I am at the end of my rope caring for my MIL.
A little background: like most of you, caring for an elderly family member. She is in her 80s, has about every conceivable health issue, in addition to Alz. Hubby and I agreed to take her in a few years prior as she’s a widow and was not able to manage her affairs (allegedly). However, this was not a smart move as MIL turned out to be the narcissistic and “I birthed you so you owe me your life, and no woman can ever take my place” type. She has been rude to me for years. She received the alz diagnosis two years ago and it has been a downward slope since. She has turned into the mean and hallucinating type. She needs help with everything, including bathing, medication management, changing, the many medical visits, meal preparation, and she is fully incontinent now. She yells and screams, tells us constantly how terrible we are as parents and caregivers, complains consistently about the “people” she sees, has threatened to call the police on us, and is awful to be around. We have aides that come in and we also try our best to help her.
Hubby, however, refuses to place her in the memory care that she desperately needs. He believes they’ll treat her horridly, “we” (me) provide her better care, and she benefits more at home. He has never stepped foot in a facility. But, as her primary caregiver, my health and well-being is sinking. I’m young, we have children to care for, and yet I can barely leave the house as she has a meltdown if I do, I have no hobbies, I have no friends, and I can barely get a minute alone. I am miserable and hubby refuses to address this because “mom needs us.”
He knows her care is impossible, yet because I am home with the kids, it’s assumed I’ll take care of her too. I’ve broached going back to work and was told that if I did then we’d be forced to place her as he can’t care for her and we “can’t afford it.” I feel taken advantage of. I hate that this is where we’re left at, I hate caring for a woman who does not like me, and I hate feeling strong armed into a role that I never agreed to. She does not qualify for Medicaid. I hate that this has taken over our marriage. I hate the disease too. I wish this on no one.
You are entering Burnout. There is an entire Care Topic on this issue, if you wish to peruse it with your husband. It needs to be made clear to your husband that if he doesn't agree to moving your MIL, then he is chosing her over you. This is the beginning of the end of a marriage and your mental/physical health. If it requires couples counseling, then do whatever it takes to protect your family. I wish you all the best!
-Call 911 next time she is hallucinating and yelling. If anything she can get meds to help curtail the outbursts. And you get a break for a few days. However, it would be easiest to get her placed somewhere directly from the hospital.
-Stay for a few days in a hotel because you need a break. Let him take a few days off work and he can see what you’re dealing with.
- If he still choose his mommy over you then he can live with her but you and your kids will need to live somewhere else. It can’t be good for your kids either to live with this woman.
I think what I have to say will sound harsh, so let me try to make it as easily palatable as I am able: I think this isn't now a MIL problem, but a marital problem. First of all, you and your hubby apparently agree that caregiving is "impossible". But he cannot bring himself to face the fact that some things cannot be fixed, they have to be endured (men are often of a "fix it" nature. Moreover you would both acknowledge that the care falls predominantly to you, and is in all likelihood impacting your own children, to whom you owe first obligation.
I would leave the cost of placement off the table. MIL has what assets she has; they should go to her care, and then application made to medicaid if she is a US citizen.
Now we come to the real problem. Yours and your husband's inability to come to agreement. This isn't about whether MIL is pleasant or not. It is about whether your entire family should be burned on the pyre of sacrifice to her end of life care.
I would suggest that you insist upon counseling. Choose a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice, because this is about discussing a situation of life transitions, not a Freudian exam of your marriage. They are great at the former and don't do the latter. If husband refuses this then I would tell him that I could not go on, and would have to see an attorney about separation and division of assets, and would have to try to make my way out in the world alone. That I would always care for him and would even help him in so far as I was able while trying to fight for my own survival and that of my children alone. But that keeping MIL was a deal breaker, a marriage breaker, and I could not go on due to my human limitations, my physical and mental health, and my belief that my children would be impacted by a withdrawal of my limited resources, and deserved better.
That would be my solution. Your might not be that, might be somewhat that but not to some extent--whatever. Only you can make your own decision for your own life and the lives of your kids. My heart goes out to this good man who wants to keep his Mom safe; but not everything can be fixed; not everything has a good answer.
I wish you both the very best, and I hope that you will update us as you go on slowly making decisions.
1. You say you can barely leave the house without a meltdown. Is she following you around and will only let YOU help her do things? If so, look up the term "shadowing". Regardless of whether she likes you or not, she may have made you her "person" which can be exhausting for the person! My grandmother shadows my mom and as much as mom loves her, she drives her insane. Mom cannot make a move without my grandmother needing to know what she is doing - and I mean literally - she can't even go to the bathroom without my grandmother wanting to know what she is doing!
2. You are a stay at home mom. It infuriates me when people - especially husbands - assume that a mom that is already taking care of her children, her home, her husband, and everything else that comes with that - can just easily slip one "little old lady in her 80s" into that mix with no problems. It does not matter if you have an outside job or not - you already have a job!! You just don't happen to get a paycheck for it. And now you are also an unpaid caregiver to a patient with ALZ. on top of taking care of your children and husband. So you now have TWO 24/7 jobs. Now I know women can do anything we put our minds to....but come on....
3. You are describing some pretty strong behaviors. Yelling, screaming, hallucinating, threats, You have children in your home. That are being exposed to this behavior. It is an unsafe environment for them. It is an unsafe environment for you and your husband. And it is an unsafe environment for her if you think about it. What happens if she decides to get up in the middle of the night and walk out the door? Or if the switch flips and she forgets who one of your kids is and tries to hurt them? (I've seen it happen with my own eyes).
4. He knows her care is impossible. YOU SAID THIS. HE KNOWS. Ok logically he does. But has HE actually been the one to care for her. You can't afford outside care for her? You can't afford not to do it. She does not qualify for Medicaid? You use her money to pay for her care somewhere until she does, not your money, NEVER your money. This is critical for her and your family. HE needs to see what it is really like. Pack the kids up and leave him with her for an entire weekend. Turn your phone off if you have to. But he needs to take care of her on his own. See what just taking care of HER requires. Never mind trying to take care of the kids, the house and everything else entails. Let him have some skin in the game.
5. She didn't birth you. I love how this became "WE" have to take care of mom. She isn't YOUR mom. If he wants to take care of her - then HE needs to take care of her. What does he think he is going to do if something happens to you? You mention that your health has taken a hit. What happens if you end up in the hospital? WHAT is he going to do? He is so ill equipped to take care of the kids, his mother and the house he will end up in the hospital right next to you. This is NOT sustainable. What happens if you need to increase the care of one of the kids? If they get sick? Or something more mundane - what if you just want to go on a full day field trip with one of them?
It is time to give him a wakeup call and let him see what it is really like to take care of her. She is only going to get worse. And if "mom needs us" then it is time for US to step up and fix this and make life easier for YOU. It is very easy to say WE need to take care of mom when WE aren't the ones that are doing it!!
Just curious...is H an only child? If he isn't, then you are not only benefitting him, but his entire family. More people taking advantage of you.
What do you think of the comments so far? What do you see yourself as doing to extricate yourself from this situation?
I became bedridden by the stress.
Who will take care of your children if you become bedridden?
If you have a stroke from high blood pressure, causes by stress, you COULD DIE.
This means MOTHERLESS CHILDREN.
Stop. Change course. RIGHT NOW.
Tell your husband that you are taking the children to a hotel for a week.
Then, DO IT.
Don’t let your current situation be the story that is told by your motherless children.
Copy and paste this article:
https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/07/health/high-stress-lower-cognition-study-wellness/index.html
If husband doesn't care about your wellbeing, he should be concerned about how his kids are being affected by this screaming and demanding old banshee. What if she hurts one of the children in one of her outbursts. Your children come first. This person is old. Unfortunately, people are living longer and becoming actual burdens on family. Years ago the average lifespan was seventy years old. Nowadays, a younger person ends up being sacrificed to take on the role of caregiver usually with no pay in sight.
You've done all you can for mother-in-law, now it is time for her to go.
This is your life. Start setting boundaries with these people.
My friend was caring for her mother in law. She had a stroke, went into the hospital and never left. She was in her 60’s. She worked hard all of her life and was looking forward to traveling instead of caring for her mother in law.
Please take care of yourself. You deserve to be there for your children. You shouldn’t be tied down to your house caring for a woman who doesn’t appreciate you.
She isn’t going to change. Your husband doesn’t want to change. You CAN change! Go back to work if you want to. Do whatever it takes to get the point across to your husband.
My friend did the same thing. She quit her job to care for her mother in law who wasn’t very nice to her. Her husband had several siblings who didn’t lift a finger to help.
I cared for my mom. I know how hard caregiving is. Get out now before you end up more stressed out than you are now.
Wishing you all the best.