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We might have the power to change someone's mind but not who they are. I'm sorry you have to care for both parents at the same time. That's particularly rough. Your mom sounds very toxic which makes things so much more difficult for you. Do you have siblings who can step in from time to time, let you get away for a few hours or just to take a nap?
I also have two teenage sons, they are actually my husband's boys, that live with us. I haven't had any of my own yet and my only sibling and I never talk as she doesn't help with our parents, so I kinda miss out on the neice/nephew relationships. All that makes it hard as I sometimes wonder if I am all that's left of my family. Thank God my husband is there for me. Hope and pray that you have a supportive hubby. It helps. You must be so tired. Wish I had good advice, but I am just now muddling through it as well. Hang in there - and don't lose your life in the midst of it. ~Gigi