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Aside from 2-3 mini crisis a year - things are kinda/sorta stable for now. But the dynamics have forever changed and will NEVER go back to the way they were.
So, I hope Mimsy stands her ground. IF IT IS TO BE - IT IS UP TO ME!! If we lay back down - THEY WILL walk on us - even though they may not mean to hurt us.
Some promises are made to be broken - especially the 'no nursing home' promise. That is one we should NEVER make - because things change - circumstances change - our health - both physical AND emotional may fail us. What then? All we can count on is CHANGE and we MUST change with the times. And some 'times' a facility is absolutely necessary. The life and health of a care giver is JUST AS IMPORTANT as that of the charge.................. my 2 cents.
This trip to visit with AND CARE TAKE her mom, while also visiting and taking some pressure off her sister, I believe will be an excellent opportunity for her to detach and to allow her husband to see how much HE can handle. He may find this is an excellent opportunity to PLACE HIS mom where she gets THE 24 /7 care she most likely needs.
In addition to her recent posting, Mimsey wrote me personally and wanted me to be sure to let EVERYONE here know that the outpouring of suport she received helped her to maintain her sanity in an otherwise impossible situation. She is VERY appreciative and thanks each and every one who reached out to her.
After her car is repaired, she intends to visit her mom and her sister and relieve her sister for a much needed break of taking care of their mom. Because of Mimsey's responsibilities to her MIL, she has not been able to help her sister and mother prior to now.
HOORAY! MIMSEY!!
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
(up until now)
Mimsey told her husband she was not coming home until MIL passed away or was placed in a home.
After "running away" from home, Mimsey later met with hubby and agreed that she would move back home into their previously constructed separate apartment but not be responsible for ANY of MIL's caretaking, which would be left to hubby to figure out.
As you can tell from today's post, that may not be working out too well as there are sanitary and cleanliness problems. We caregivers have all worked through those situations (or are still trying to) but hubby is either in denial. or is unable to handle his mother. In result, Mimsey is still on the alert and feeling the stress of coaching her hubby.
This trip to visit with Aunt and her mom, while also visiting and taking some pressure of her sister, I believe will be an excellent opportunity for her to detach and allow her husband to see how much she can handle. He may find this an excellent opportunity to finally places mom where she gets to 24 /7 care she most likely needs.
Because you're a caregiver mentality, wanting the best for people, you are sort of still managing your MIL from a distance, not only because of the smell (hahaha) but also because in your heart you want to make sure that your husband isn't taking care of his mother poorly. So sorry about your car accident. You don't make it sound as if you were hurt so I'm hoping it was just a mild fender bender. A trip to your sisters to give her a break and take care of your mom sounds like an excellent diversion. It will get you away from the daily thought (and odor) of your MIL in addition to leaving it all up to your husband without your constant need to focus on whether he is seeing to her or not.
When you later get home from your moms, if things are out of control, you may have other decisions to make. Only time will tell. Keep posting!
I know I should probably just keep my mouth shut and let him discover what is involved in taking care of her. I try to, but I am not always successful. For one thing, the SMELL gets to me. {shudder!} She does not shower or bathe. She leaves soiled disposable undergarments (what I call "pullups") all over her room and bathroom. Her body just plain STINKS! But I am getting better at disassociating myself from her care. My biggest problem now is that my own mother needs care and I cannot go help. My younger sister (bless her!) is taking care of Mom by herself. I eel so guilty tha I have not gone to give my sister a break. I have decided that I am going to do that. Unfortunately, just as soon as I made up my mind to go (i'ts nearly 500 miles away) take care of Mom for a while to give my sister a break, I had a minor one-care accident. My car is still in the shop. But I still plan to go to my Mom's, just as soon as my car is in shape for a long trip. Not only do I want to give my sister a break, but I want to see my Mom! I don't think I am nuts to plan to do this. I thik it is a necessity.
So glad you seem to be doing OK!
Please do keep us posted! We'll wait!
Your current agreements with hubby sound perfect and a date for revaluation is an excellent idea. Tho it's certainly not a requirement, you may come to a place of peace and balance that even allows you to communicate with your MIL if you want to, knowing she is no longer your responsibility and you can walk away anytime you want. This has to have given you such feelings of freedom and confidence. We are also thrilled for your stamina and resolve. What a trooper!
Getting a job and interests outside the home is a great idea and way to create more independence for yourself. Libraries are great places to go for activity and even social interaction in some communities. If you live near a park or pond or something like that, those are great places to go and find peace. Having a time limit will also help you and can always be extended if you want or need it to be.
Be strong and continue to rebuild YOUR life. You can do it!
Mimsey, that is a strange arrangement. So is your husband doing all the care your MIL needs or does she have aids coming in? I don't know if you can keep this up (I doubt I could). I image it's hard on you, your husband and your MIL. Good that you are getting out sometimes. Hopefully you'll meet some friends soon. Good luck in the future, no matter what comes about.
I commend you! She is not your mother and not your responsibility anymore. 8 years is long enough!
I tried communicating with hubby via email. (I wouldn’t accept cell phone calls & kept my GPS turned off.) His only email replies were “Please come home.” We finally met on “neutral ground” at a restaurant to discuss his mother’s care. My position then – and now – is that I am no longer willing or able to care for her.
After a lengthy, strange, discussion (more like 20 Questions several times over), I finally learned that Hubby’s being so dead-set against placing his mother in long-term care has nothing to do with money, as he’s always claimed. His real reason is that he “wants her to die at home.” Oops. Impasse.
We finally compromised as follows:
When we (I) began caring for my MIL, we built an extension onto her house for us to live in. Our apartment consists of an office/study, bedroom, large bath, and double walk-in closet, with our own separate door to the outside. The office/study of our apartment connects to the hallway of the main house. When my MIL is out of her room, I am self-exiled to our apartment or the outdoors. When she is asleep or off the premises, I enter the main house to do things I must do there (laundry, cooking, etc.). I do not see her, speak to her, cook for her, take her to the doctor or the hair dresser, help her dress, pick out her clothes, try to get her to shower or change her underwear, administer her meds -- nothing. I don’t even respond to her if she sees me and speaks to me. I literally do not interface with my MIL at all. Period.
It sounds extreme. And it is. But it seems to be working. I no longer have constant stomach cramps and diarrhea. I think I’ve finally stopped losing weight. No panic attacks in days, and I’ve been able to stop taking Clonapin.
It’s not a perfect solution, but I’m willing to try it until the end of the summer. (I feel better setting a time limit.) I’ve been so cut off that I literally have no friends in this entire area. But, I’ve started going places on my own or with one or both of my sons. I’m trying to get my life back and keep my marriage, too, in that order. I’m not sure if that is even possible. I guess I’ll find out.
Hugs and blessings to all of you for being here for me.