Is there anyone out there besides me who wishes their mother would die?

Hi, 5 years is a long time I have been caretaking 4 years. May I encourage you to put her in a home. If her assets are depleted perhaps medicaid will pay. If guilt is the only reason you are caring for her you need to deal with that and move forward to do what is best for yourself as well. Being in a constant oppressive atmosphere can get anyone down. If you are not getting paid for caretaking then you need to make the tough decision. I encourage you to be strong. And yes I understand completely. I hope for you the best. looney

My mom is sometimes like that. I will walk into the room to help her and she will tell me to shut up and leave her alone. I finally had it out with her a few days ago and explained why i was upset. She has backed off for the last 2 days and -- according to her-- does not remember anything about it. At least right now she is asleep and not yelling at me. To be honest -- who else does your mother have to yell at? As you say-- noone else wants anything to do with her. As long as i am physically able to handle it my mom will stay home because I guit my job to take care of her and I really do not have anywhere else to live. I dont get paid to take care of her but since i retired early (56) I can't afford to live and at this time I dont know if anyone would hire me. I get people saying that I am mooching off of her but really I am not. she cannot be left alone and i am cheaper then anyone else (free) who would care for her.

Yes, I believe in God & I believe he knows are pains & suffering BUT I TOTALLY understand what you are going through. It sounds as though you are the only one that your mom can take her frustrations out on. It's a hard thing, being a caretaker. My mother is the same way w/my brother & sister. My brother lives at home & is helping take care of my parents but he does work. My sister works from home & is able to take them to the dr's or grocery shopping or whatever. Because they are around so much, they get the short end of the stick. My mother has dementia & can get very mean & hateful (which she never was before)
I hope things get better for you. Good luck & God bless

My mother is a miserable, controlling, vicious, hostile, narcissist who is flailing like a rabid dog now that her enabling husband has died and her near-slave middle son has died as well. I have no shame or guilt in saying that I wish her dead as soon as possible.

She is NEVER anything but vicious, saying unspeakable things about her sister, blaming my brother's wife (not his decades of heavy smoking) for his death, and blaming me for every misery she and my father had for the last decade before his death from cancer. Even the cancer is my fault. Everyone who refuses to support her fictitious reality is a liar and "mentally sick."

She accuses absolutely everyone who comes near her house of stealing from her--when in fact, the truth almost always turns out to be that she hid things and forgot. She claims not to remember any of her misdeeds or cruelties, and concocts preposterous allegations out of thin air against the very few people who bother with her anymore. She gaslights anyone who dares to mention the horrid things she has done--it simply never happened and is a hurtful lie told to be cruel to her.

She has no friends. She allowed no friendships while my father was alive because she was convinced that every female was "after" her husband--even her sons' wives and nurses at the hospital. She has despised every partner her children have had. She wants visits from her children (and grandchildren) only, but spouses are not "allowed" in her house. She screams at her 80 y.o. sister and threatens physical violence. She abused my father while he was ill and kept him a virtual prisoner. She verbally, emotionally and physically abused me as a child, until one day, at about 15, I had enough and smacked her face and her glasses went flying and smashed and then I picked up a dining chair and smashed it on the floor. I wanted to smash it over her head. She never hit me again.

She never has anything positive to say, nothing is ever enough, and she loves to threaten to "cut off" people she is supposed to unconditionally love. Any attempt to call her on her behavior results in instant boo-hoo, poor me, blubbering--she's always the victim.

I have to keep my child away from her to keep him safe. I cannot leave her alone with my child. I caught her interrogating my child when he was a toddler, trying to get my child to say his father hurt him. Nothing could be further from the truth. She actually wanted me to *give* my child to her to raise (and she was in her late 70's and my father was practically bedridden with terminal cancer)--and this is a woman who did not bother to see me while pregnant, nor be present at her grandchild's birth. She tried to convince me how much better my life would be without the nuisance of a child (that my spouse and I planned!).

Sorry to ramble, but my mother is a waste of oxygen, brings nothing but pain and heartache to everyone, and I will rejoice and be deeply grateful if I outlive her. She has never done anything but damage to anyone in her life.

For so many, her death will be the end the pain she inflicts, and we can finally start to heal.

ACOMNM .. I think you should let your mother read what you wrote on here. Sometimes when people read the written word it has a bigger affect on them than hearing the words. It doesn't sound like you would have anything to lose. The only positive thing about reading your story is that it puts things into perspective for me and my live-in-caregiver duties for my mum. It appears at least right now.. I have it very lucky. God Bless ya !!

My mom was not anywhere near that bad, though she had her moments and was overall pretty critical and perfectionistic. And yet when she passed, though I'd hoped for a little more time, I also knew it was in a way a blessing because if it had gotten any worse for her, like not being able to eat, she would have hated every minute.

So, no, wishing the end could come is totally, totally understandable under these circumstances. There may have been reasons she is the way she is, something in the way she was brought up, and thought it seems to be hoping against hope that any positive change could occur, I will pray for that. Some people just build up these huge horrible walls where they do not understand that forgiveness is possible and they therefore cannot begin to admit they have ever been wrong or at fault for anything. It is an unimaginable prison they construct and has nothing to do with rationality or reason, it is just maintained at all costs to them and the other people who can even be in their world at all.

Take a look at the "www.agingcare.com/questions/handle-taking-care-of-elder-that-is-mean-148971.htm" thread on here too...this is a very, very common sad story.

No, I don't wish my mother would die until it is her time, but I do wish she would quit driving me crazy. She is never happy. There's no way to make her happy, but if I don't try to make her happy, there is something wrong with me. Come to think of it, even if I try to make her happy, I don't do it right so she's unhappy. She's a crazy person and drives me crazy. I do wish she were smarter, but I don't wish her dead.

for the last 6 years i have yearned to return to my own home and resume my own life but one mighty sweet and brilliant old lady had to pass away for that to happen. please dont treat your care recipient badly. if you were as ill as they are you might not be much fun to be around either. im just glad i got myself educated and made her last several months as pleasant as possible. i know they can drive ya nuts but be careful about saying things you cant take back later.

I know how you feel. I sometimes wish i was free, but i never want my Dad to die. I know this will end eventually. I know Dad is so much happier and healthier being at home. I know I have grown in love, courage and compassion. I am a better person for having done this 24/7.

I understand where your feelings of frustration are coming from. Deep down you don't "really" wish she would die...but you are resentful of your situation. Do as others have suggested and seek another place for her to live where she will get care that isn't full of resentment and ill thoughts. Your current living arrangement isn't healthy for either of you, especially when you don't have a support system to help you out. Start the paperwork rolling now - once she is in a good facility, you will begin to feel like a daughter again and less of a raving lunatic...believe me. (((been there, done that, got the t-shirt)))

I actually said it out loud for the first time just a few days ago. I too wish they would both just die. Not to be hateful, but mom and dad are just so utterly miserable. They were such vibrant and full of life people. Now they are in a race to see who can be sicker and/or more needy of my attention. They cherry-pick their meds and hide or throw away ones they don't want to take today. Dad has gotten focused on me as his girlfriend and says painfully innappropriate things to me all the time now. Mom is vicious on a good day and just pathetic-sad on the bad ones. Yeah, I get wishing they would die. My friends have all lost their parents keep telling me how lucky and blessed I am to be able to care for them and have them still. I feel my friends are lucky their parent died so quick without robbing them of all good feelings and love first. I sure don't feel lucky. Every day I tell myself I will be calm and patient and they are not my parents. It sometimes works. Try not to beat yourself up. We all go through those moments.

I agree with some of the others. Please find a placement for her. It is a lot of work, but well worth it in the end. I knew I could not keep my FIL here in my home. I spent many hours/days searching for a placement for him. We can now have good visits. I don't think I'd still be alive if we'd kept him here. This is obviously more than you can take. I was lucky in that my FIL had money, so he could go to a private pay facility of our choice. But I have also researched the local NH's so when the time comes, hopefully I can get him into one with a good reputation. Please start trying to find a placement. If she doesn't have money, Medicaid and her SS check will pay for it.

I know exactly how you feel. My mother has been a narcissistic, manipulative, controlling and nasty woman her whole life. Even when I lived far away she was constantly on the phone interfering, trying to control my life and verbally bashing me over the head. In 09, as she could no longer manage alone I quit my career, sold my home and moved to care for her. I have no feeling for her whatsoever, it was just duty. It was four years of pure hell. She's now in a NH and I've moved to a tiny house in the country but she's still at it. She fought with the neighbours wherever she lived and alienated the very few friends she had over the years. She's been in the NH almost a year and no-one ever goes to see her or calls her so I'm "it".

She's been going on for some time about coming to see my house (which is 10 minutes away) but I always managed to put her off as, like always, it would be a nightmare "ewww, what a dump, you need to do this, you need to do that" which has been her attitude wherever I've lived. Well, it may not be Better Homes & Gardens but I came to this country with 2 suitcases, $100 and a roof over my head for a week and I worked 2 jobs for some years to become established, doing it all by myself. Three months ago, trying to hide her vitamin drink on top of a wardrobe, she fell & broke her hip and is now wheelchair/bedridden. She'll never walk again so at least she can't physically come after me.

I've started driving transport for dog rescue. Two weeks ago, just about to pull out to do my leg of a transport, she called and berated me for doing it "You shouldn't be doing this, it's your time and your gas, you have 2 dogs you should be spending those hours with them blah, blah, blah". Supposedly she's always been a rabid dog lover - for the last 12 years of my father's life she slept in the spare room with her dog in the bed, my father slept alone - and she begrudges these little puppies a chance at life?? I was livid to say the least!

A couple of days ago she called with "I've been thinking I should get a little house like yours. When I said it was impossible as she couldn't manage, cook or clean she started screaming at me that she could and I hung up on her. Later she left a weepy apologetic message on my machine. That evening she called again and we had a total screaming match. It ended with me telling her that I would ensure her finances were in order, her bills paid and I'd pick up any extras she wanted but if she ever called me again I'd change my phone number and make it unlisted.

It takes me a couple of days to get over the upset of these shenanigans and I've totally had it. It's time to get on and rebuild my life. From here on I'll do my duty but personally I want nothing more to do with her.

I know exactly what you are talking about.Mine has only been living with me for 9 months and I already feel this way.I don't care how good your relationship with your mother is if it goes on long enough at one time or another you will feel like this because you are human. My mother did something years ago that pretty much as far as I was concerned did the mother/daughter bond in.I can't forgive,I've have tried but the feeling of anger and distrust is still there so I am having to learn to live with it and now she is in my house,there is no getting away from it.So I am starting to lay down some law to my narcisstic passive-aggressive mother and I feel so much better.Just this morning told her I wouldn't take her dog to vet today but to make an appointment later in the week,she just informed me she made the appointment for this AM.Well,I stood my ground and told her she would have to call them back because it wasn't going to be today.By the way, the dog is fine,of course I would take him if I thought something was wrong,love dogs,have 6 of my own, now have 8 with her 2 dogs,That's right her 2 dogs one of which had horrible diarrhea in her bed last nite ,which I cleaned.Found out she had fed her Yorkie baby food because she didn't think he was eating enough.I also have to deal with tremendous feelings of guilt,because hey, you aren't supposed to hate your mother.I am being sarcastic.There is really no one in my circle I can confess this to.It sounds horrible.I am just doing my duty because I have to live with myself but I am determined I am not going to quit living because her world has changed.I didn't make her older, I can't cure scoliosis and osteoarthritis, I can't give her the live she had back.I can make sure she is clean, fed, gets to the doctor, has a safe living environment,that her pain is controlled the best way possible through her doctor at the pain clinic.Anything else is extra. I try to make sure she gets out within reason.Take her to church and the hairdresser.She just can no longer go on big shopping trips as she just is not physically able ,it is nothing I am keeping her from.I just got to stay strong.

I think I understand.My dad had dementia and my mother was so mean to him,.it hurts me even now,6 years later.She humiliated him,and bullied him.Now I am in charge of her.I am doing it the right way.I won't ever forget what she did,but I can take the higher road,and take the best care of her that she will allow.She's a mean and difficult woman,it is not easy.But I want to be happy in my own skin.I am hiring help so I can get out every day for an hour or so.Bles you!

Almost a month ago my mom 'died' on an ambulance on the way to the hospital when her heart failed. They didn't realize she was DNR, so they shocked her back to life. Yay.

I know that sounds really awful. At first, I really was happy that they had saved her life, that she was alright and stable, and she finally looked and acted alright, much more 'normal' for her stage of alz... it was a relief.. at first.... Don't get me wrong, it's not that, on some level anyway, I wasn't happy to be able to be there for her... I was. I'm glad that I'm big enough to give what my mom would never give, to anyone, for any reason... Her relatives took care of her mother in her declining years, when she had cancer and was totally blind... Mom was here in the states. I remember my grandmother fondly... Anyway, yes, I'm happy on some level that I was big enough to dig deep enough to find what it took to do what it took. I was determined that my mom would be comfortable, clean, well looked after...I tried my best the last couple years she's been really bad to do my best for her, just because she's human...

But....

The toll.

The toll.

The toll....

OMG. I can't describe the toll this has taken on me personally, and I mean literally on all levels. Yes, I have learned some lessons on this journey that are priceless...but the price to my health, in all ways, was almost as great...

I am in a deep, black funk right now. It's just worries and worries and more worries, that never seem to stop. I do have some issues in my life worked out, but then it seems like new issues pop up...

I feel an almost desperate need to start...doing something... I really want to get further educated and start working... I feel such an intense need to do that, but.... I can't. Not now. I'm in this godawful LIMBO.. I can't make a single solitary move until I know for a fact what I'm going to have to face, possibly in the near future, concerning my mom.... Some lady called, talking insurance stuff, and my mom might have to come back home. Every single time I think about it, I shudder...

I am totally and completely enjoying this time, and no, I don't feel guilty, not one single iota. Not for that joy. I won't feel guilty about it.

I've learned that there is indeed such a thing as giving too much... Giving is good. It always will be. Maybe in RL wars it's alright to give your life for your country if you've sworn to do so ahead of time... But no one on the planet has the absolute right to every single bit of you, down to the damn marrow.

I do not owe my mom my LIFE, down to my last freaking breath. .

Sean, my son, and I had a discussion. I told him straight up that I could not, and would not, look after my mom in this house another single minute, ever again in this lifetime. I told him honestly that I just, literally, wasn't healthy enough myself, that I just couldn't even begin to imagine, that minute, trying to dredge up the damn energy to deal with my mother yet again... I want to curl into a little ball and start begging for the torture to stop.... Hers and mine..

I am drained dry in every single way there is to be drained. I did my best. I did so damn well that I feel I was, and could be still, on my way to a rather early death..

NO. The end.

Do I wish my mom would die? I've asked the One to please, please, make death happen softly for my mom, in her sleep, hopefully on some good drugs to keep her peaceful and calm, never knowing what hit her...

...but make it happen. Alz is a long, ugly slow ride into death. It's ugly, and those who deal with it get it. I'm weary to the bone of it. I feel like I could sleep for a year..

I've been surrounded by death, and pretty much isolated in this house for years, with no real contact with the vast majority of the outside world... I'm dying, too.

I've asked the higher power for two things for myself... Peace. And just a few good years of life and health, it didn't have to be that many, but.... a few good years without my mom in my life seems like a nice reward from God for a job well done...

When I was a teen I told our neighbor Sonja that I would never be free until my mom was 6 ft under. I didn't realize at the time how literal that really was going to turn out to be...

I don't hate my mom, all that mess is pretty much gone now... but... really? Her life isn't really a life anymore... So yeah, sometimes I do wish that my mom would just quietly pass... for all our sakes...

SA ... have been reading your posts for a while now. You have had such a difficult time with your Mom. I'm so sorry that it's taken such a toll on you physically, emotionally and spiritually. You have been very strong to take care of your Mom and very kind and gracious to let the past slip into the past. But now it's time for you to take care of yourself.

I realize that you are scheduled for some tests related to your heart. I meant to tell you a day or two ago that there are so many things that can be done for you now days that will help you to feel better. About 20 years ago (@ 39) I had to have a heart valve replaced with a mechanical valve. Up until the replacement, I used to get bronchitis at least twice a year, sometimes three. Just before having the valve replaced I could hardly function. My chest would hurt and my lungs would begin to fill with water and I felt like I was drowning. Coughing constantly. After the valve replacement (they've made a lot of progress in this area) my heart returned to normal size (it was enlarged) and I haven't had bronchitis for 20 years. I have to take a blood thinning medication but monitor it regularly and am careful to watch for symptoms of bleeding or a change in the sound of the valve.

All that being said, I have had a wonderfully healthy life since that time, with no complications. I do praise God for that because I know that He keeps me in the palm of His hand.

I have been caregiving more intensely for my Mom for the past 5 years (although she has lived with my hubby and me for 35) but now she is steadily declining. My job isn't as hard as yours has been since my Mom only has mild dementia, she is generally cooperative, but our relationship hasn't been as close as I would have liked which has been a bit painful (she gravitates more towards my older sister). Can't hardly hear or see and is so physically frail that it seems she will hardly be on her own two feet much longer.

But even with all the positives for my Mom, it still feels sometimes that this job just wont ever end. I too pray for a gentle and easy passing for my Mom. I guess we go through these things sometimes to help us find out the stuff we're really made of and based on your post. It sounds like you're made of some good stuff.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself, make sure you get your tests and get the help you need to make yourself well. It may actually be something very simple and very treatable. I hope that it is.

First of all Bittersweet, you are never alone on this site nor with this question. Although not everyone wishes their parent would die, we all recognize the pain and anguish you are going through and we have been there ourselves. It really sounds like you need some time away from the stress and stain of your care giving.

Have you ever heard the saying.."No good deed goes unpunished?" That is what has happened to you, you were the only child to step up and agree to care for Mom, so what do you get in return, a lot of grief. I know what you mean to be blamed for everything or talked to rudely or just not appreciated for all that you do. Everyone reaches that point where they wonder if it is all worth it. We wonder why we are doing this when we have nothing to gain from it, we did it out of the goodness of our hearts, it was an act of love and now we feel like we are being abused.

You are not alone here, you need rest, you need to get away from the situation for a while and renew your spirit. I know your siblings want nothing to do with Mom but if I were you I would either call and ask for them to come and spend a period of time with Mom or I would hire someone to come in so I could leave.

We all do understand where you are coming from, many of us have been in the same exact spot.

God Bless You! Get some R & R!

CC....thank you, and yes, I think it's past time for me to take care of me.

The symptoms you've described all pretty much clone my own. And I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

I'm so glad that you're over all that, CC. I'm really happy that all that mess is just gone from you, and that you can enjoy good health now, and thank God your heart is now ok and normal. *hugs* Yes, I've had the tests on my heart done, now it's just a matter of finding out the results. I hope it's nothing major either...

And you are absolutely correct....you will, for good or ill, find out what you're really made of when you do this, as you said, seemingly endless job... And CC...thanks for the kind words. I've always considered myself awful, evil, listening to mom....glad I finally proved her wrong. On some level I knew she was wrong, but....demons raged in me for my whole life. I wasn't sure I'd ever banish them. They're gone now. Thank God.

Raven, what I gained doing this job I couldn't have gotten without doing it, although I wasn't looking for anything... I found MYSELF, who I am, what I am, and to me personally, growing up in a house, locked in a cage with the monster that is the narcissistic personality disorder, you can't understand how much finding ME meant. So yes, there can be a whole lot of gain in care giving. I'd go to hell and back countless times for that, because I'm a better person for it, who I was always meant to be, but couldn't be.... and that's worth everything to me...and it almost cost that much to learn it..


Anyone watch/read Game Of Thrones? If you do, you'll get this...

I woke up, sitting straight up in bed in a total black mood and panic this morning...In my dream, I got a phone call from the facility where mom is at. The lady told me that my mom would be discharged the next day... In the dream:

Me: What do you mean, you're discharging her tomorrow?? You mean she's coming HERE, back home???

Lady: Well, she's scheduled to be taken to Qarth. Do you know where that is?

Me: Qarth?? You're sending her to Qarth??? O__O

And I woke up....in a black, dark pissy mood, and totally freaking out... *snickers*

Have a good one, everybody... Stay strong...

**sends everyone good vibes and karma**

There are some things worse than dying....And sometimes dying is the only way out of a bad situation....Is your Mom on antidepressants?....What is her pain level? Does she have dementia? How is her overall health? Does she qualify for Medicaid in a facility or Veteran's Aid and Assistance? Is placement in a facility feasible?
Taking care of an elderly parent, means trying to provide what they need not necessarily doing it all yourself.

Years ago, sick and old people just died. Sometimes I wonder why people who claim to belive death is just a door to a better life are so hung up on extending this one. Sometimes we extend dying not living.

SA .. lol .. at least she wasn't being sent to *your* house!!

I did wish that in the last few months of her life, but that was because she had NO quality of life left, was in pain, had dementia etc. Prior to my Mom being in a Nursing Home for 4.5 yrs, she did live with me for about 5 yrs after my Dad passed away, & yes, she did drive me nuts at times, but then she wasn't really ill, she just could not handle living on her own.
Did you ever think about talking to Mom's Doctor(s) in private & tell them the whole story, sometimes they can help point you in the right direction and get her in an Assisted Living OR Nursing Home.

You have to remember that you are #1 & have to take care of yourself first ! I just joined this site today, so I do not know the whole story. I wish you the very best, but can truly understand where you are coming from !!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has that kind of wish. My mom has dementia for about 15 years now. She married late, so I was pretty young when that happened. I left my budding career, passed the chance to get married and have a family of my own and practically sacrifice my life to take care of her. I used to wish that she would die so I can have a life. But I'm running out of time. If that does not happen soon, I probably going to wish that she would die, so I too can die.

My mother lives in an Assisted Living facility and I have moments when I wish she was dead. Adult child becomes the parent. I empathize.

Yes, I do, but only because she is not really living. It is strange but even with dementia, she has selective short term memory. If you do anything that upsets her, she will remember that. I know she would be miserable not to mention broke if she went into a nursing home. Don't feel bad about it, but do try to make good memories for her and yourself. The caregiver is always the target for their frustration. Seek out a support group or at least go to the library and get a book or dvd on help for caregivers. Don't feel guilty, the job is hard enough as it is, without that.

As your parent gets progressively worse, it is a thought that enters everyone's head - then we are appalled that we actually thought it! But we are human and above the love for our parents is the desire to wish for their suffering to be over, especially in light of the fact that we know they will never get better, get well again. And as time drags on, deep inside we begin to resent the demands being made on our time, our lives. It is a normal reaction to an overbearing burden, so let the guilt go - cry a bit, find a friend to whom you can vent when you are frustrated, and know in your heart you are doing the best you can - and in the end you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you did your very best, with no regrets.

My parents never had to worry about taking care of their elderly parents. They enjoyed their young senior years. I have every intention of enjoying my seinor years. I worked hard and planned for this time. I am finally at a point in my life where empty nest is a joy. I had the good sense to plan for my very senior years without having to burden my children. My parents generation was too coddled and complacent to plan their senior years. I refuse to pick up the slack of their misguided judgement!

Debralee, my parents also didn't do anything to help their parents. Sometimes my mother invents stories of how she used to visit every month, but the trips were only once or twice a year. My father's dad moved in with us for a short time after my grandmother died, but my mother didn't want him there, so he moved out quickly. She talks to me of how she and my father spent time hiking and how she wanted to travel when they retired. My father had different plans and planted himself in a chair for the last 20 years of his life. They didn't have to take care of anyone but themselves.

My aunt became ill with cancer. My mother criticizes my cousin-in-law for not taking the aunt in. The truth is that my parents had two spare bedrooms in their house and could have taken her in. My mother wouldn't help care for her sister, but criticizes my cousin-in-law for not doing it.

So even though she didn't owe anything to my father's or her parents, my mother feels I owe her. Strangely, she doesn't feel like my brothers owe her. Only me. I guess I'm special. I've always wished I had some sisters, instead of brothers. I bet it would be more fun.

Tonight...I can sorta' relate. Mom isn't Mom anymore. I can't talk to her like before. She makes all the rules, all the demands, asks all the questions and acts indignant if I question her judgement. She never comforts me, doesn't appear to care that I have not spent one single solitary hour with my husband in eight months, is acting more and more like HER mother whom she hated. She declares that she doesn't mean to be hurtful, or manipulative, but uses her dementia to excuse herself from everything she doesn't want to do...then says she is just the same as ever...no judgement issues whatsoever!

OMG! Tonight she was a little pissy about something and decided that she is not going on the vacation I've been planning for months and looking forward to. I deal with her ever changing moods, accusations and endless repeats of the same questions / comments and then she acts like I'm just picking on her when I ask her not to feed the dogs that smelly, greasy cat food - and leave the open can in the middle of the breakfast table. (I asked nicely.) i have to thank her for every f'ing breath she takes but she feels like I'm just such a bother.

I don't want her to die, but tonight I sure wish I could! I'm tired of this non-life I'm living!