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I'm not where you are yet but I'm expecting a deep empty hole, when things are said and done.
One other thing I'm not sure if it was mentioned, is the lack of friends during a years long caregiving. We are to busy , too stressed for friends. Actually for me it started with covid, over the years losing friendships due to political reasons or mostly not wanting to give are parent a deadly virus so didn't want to be around people, then I didn't want to be around unvaccinated people. It really started the ball rolling on loneliness. Then just being to busy. And they pass and we are left with more time, more this and that. And we have to re learn how to fill up are life again. But it takes time
So sorry for your loss. Your feelings are perfectly normal. Many of us have felt as you do.
The emptiness and the loneliness have made it so difficult to deal with the last 4 weeks. Halfway into the caretaking journey, my boyfriend of 8 years broke up with me because I refused to put my mom in the nursing home. I made the decision to keep her home knowing she would die early from nursing home mistreatment that I experienced in her last stay 6 years ago. I'm a single child, and my other half siblings don't care about my mom. They are very cold with me too. I'm praying God and ask my mom to help guide me find my ways into my future normal life again.
My condolences to Tmax1969 and everyone who lost loved ones. I have never truly felt the pain of losing someone until now.
Yes, we do feel lost after their physical presence is no longer with us( it’s one of those changes we’re not readily ready to accept).
We grieve in many different ways but, just know you have people that love and care for you. Although you may need some alone time periodically, don’t shut them out. May you find comfort and peace💕
Even though my husband died from cancer a short time after his diagnosis, I had a terrible time with grief. I sort of coasted through life for a couple of years. I was showing up for work but business in my sector was pretty bad. Then the pandemic kicked in and my job was outsourced.
I think I made some bad job decisions with the type of work I decided to do post-retirement. I was home and didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I wanted to return to full time work or put in for retirement. Then it was time to sign up for Medicare. Finally, I not only found myself jobless and widowed, but then I was old according to society's standards. I was sort of in a state of limbo. I started feeling like a productive person when I got a case until my client got ill and died. My brother died a week after my client died. This has all been recent losses. So, now I'm trying to navigate this grief again. It seems like I can't get a break. I spent a lot of my time in freeze mode during the pandemic, but I still kept on by continuing with classes. My apartment looks like a time capsule since I really haven't taken the time out to put things back in place. I just do the basics. I was a good housekeeper at one point, but I feel tired.
I think getting motivated and moving forward would be the place to start for me. But what does an old gal like me do, and where do I start? Grief can take a lot out of you. We grieve a lot of things when someone dies. We grieve the years of caretaking and grieve our lives for our losses. With caretaking or just life in general can mean lost finances, failed relationships, lost friends and homes. It can be divorce for some. Caretaking can take a toll on marriages.
Dementia is one way of 'leaving' although when the physical body goes, it is quite another. As my friend said to me "it is so final."
Check this out:
https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/is-this-normal/
And... from another website:
Grief is tied to all sorts of different brain functions, says researcher and author Mary-Frances O'Connor. That can range from being able to recall memories to taking the perspective of another person, to even things like regulating our heart rate and the experience of pain and suffering.
Although the realization is hard to face, clinical psychologist Mary-Frances O'Connor says we shouldn't avoid them or try to hide our feelings.
"Grief is a universal experience, and when we can connect, it is better."
O'Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, studies what happens in our brains when we experience grief. She says grieving is a form of learning — one that teaches us how to be in the world without someone we love in it. "The background is running all the time for people who are grieving, thinking about new habits and how they interact now."
I give you a hug during this difficult sad time.
While you may feel 'lost,' you are in there ... the sadness or 'grief' may present itself in many ways, i.e., when my mom died, I was 'trying' to get on the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge to Marin ... and three times, I came to the turn and missed it. I put vegetables in a pot in the cabinet instead of in the refrigerator ... found them a week or so later. The mind / brain does things - jars us - in unexpected ways. Be kind to yourself during this time.
It is not only a loss of 10 years, it is losing a mother of your life time.
It is a huge loss. My / our hearts are with you.
Gena/Touch Matters
My dad died 6 years ago and Mom died about 9 months ago so I understand. It has been a strange journey. I agree that it is too soon to make major decisions. I promised my kids that I would hold off for at least a year.
I have felt lost, confused and relieved. Sometimes I have felt all of these things at the same time. The worst is being ambushed by feeling bereft. In my case I try to remember to breathe and give myself time. I too have started taking my dog for daily walks. I am also forcing myself to rejoin the world. Like you I have lived a specific and constrained existence for a very long time. Surprisingly, I have experienced fear while rejoining the world outside my door.
Ultimately, I really only have three things to say: you are NOT alone, what you are feeling is normal and give yourself time!
Be kind to yourself and give yourself lots of time to rebuild how you want to live your life. Do not rush the process. Put things back into your life little by little. It takes longer than you might expect, but that's OK. The things you build slowly will be more authentic than things you do b/c you think you "should," Rebuilding is a careful process.
The best thing is to get involved with something else. Volunteer to do something. That is what I am doing now I volunteer doing taxes.
Talking with someone is good for us.
Prayers
It is incredibly normal to seem a bit lost. Give yourself enough grace to grieve.
Do the legal stuff you need to do...Wills, insurances, funeral stuff. BUT, aside from that don't do anything major right away
If you get an inheritance or insurance payout...don't make big decision for several months
Slowly re-integrate into life. Caregiving is extremely isolating.
A couple of things I did was finally getting into a church and
Simply taking my dog on her walks in different areas of my town.
Well put Cashew and good to see you.
I recommend a good book for you to read, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler
In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first identified the stages of dying in her transformative book On Death and Dying. Decades later, she and David Kessler wrote the classic On Grief and Grieving, introducing the stages of grief with the same transformative pragmatism and compassion. Now, based on hard-earned personal experiences, as well as knowledge and wisdom gained through decades of work with the grieving, Kessler introduces a critical sixth stage: meaning.
Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son. How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief—meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss.
“Beautiful, tender, and wise” (Katy Butler, author of The Art of Dying Well), Finding Meaning is “an excellent addition to grief literature that helps pave the way for steps toward healing” (School Library Journal).
You can find the book on Amazon.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
I know that after my husband died who I cared for for many years that I seemed to wander every day for months wondering what it was that I was supposed to be doing next.
Don't worry though, in time you'll figure out your new routine and what your life will now look like. And you will find joy again too.
So take this time now to take care of yourself. You deserve it.
God bless you.