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You will have to do your best to get over the guilt. Agree with above posts, have the conversation with mom and tell her she needs more skilled care. "Mom, are you open to having some in-home help or assistance to help both both of us and keep you home as long as possible?". Try it and increase the care hours for as long as you need until it is no longer possible to keep her home. If she refuses that , have the talk and say we'll get some help in; "Mom, when the time comes when we can no longer manage at home -- what are your wishes?" Then start planning on your own; research care facilities such as AL, etc. -- visit places, call references, talk to residents and their families, etc. Then take mom while she is still able to visit 1-3 just to have a look. Visit a couple times, have lunch there...etc. Then she will at least have had a visit and can mull it over during the next year or so until she has to make a move from your home.
Parents understandably dont want to move from familiar surroundings or to have strangers tend to them. Its truly a loss of control and final realization that they are no longer independent; but the reality is that they are living longer with greater ailments, care needs, etc. -- some aren't able to provide the level of care needed long term.
She is afraid because NH have a negative connotation (and I've been to some modern ones and there is a broad range of residents -- even so, it is depressing and scary) and our elders remember even worse from their parents -- in their mind its a place where they go to die -- so understandably they don't want to be placed there.
Try to get her in-home help needed if she can afford it. Start enlisting doctors help in evaluating her condition and having their case worker help you set up help you need in the meantime.
Sure enough, their mom needed more and more help in a very short amount of time, and had increasing memory loss. They were devistated thinking of 'putting mom in a facility', but she had a fall at home, and managing in home caregivers and physical therapy was very difficult along with mom's isolation. I suggested telling their mom, she is coming to our AL community for our excellent physical and occupational therapy ( true!), and then let's see how she adjusts. Leading up to the moving day, these loving sons were absolutely guilt ridden and deeply anxious. To make things easier, they came and decorated thier mom's studio with some of her beautiful things that were important to her.
When she came and saw her studio she was delighted! She loves the attentive therapists here, and enjoys socializing and the lifestyle. She is so happy she hasn't mentioned ever leaving. Suffice to say, her sons are so releived and can be loviing sons and not full time worried caregivers. A success story. I think the lesson is be sure to choose a community with caring mangagement, staff, and an environment that is a good match!
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