Can my 83 year old mother live alone?

I've seen 90 + year old people fracture a hip and go on to live somewhat independently for years after. Depends on the person. They usually have surgery and then a lengthy rehab. Once home, they have 24 hour care in place for a while, weeks maybe, depends. Then have safeguards in place, ie call system for help and other types of help maybe w/ meals/meds, etc. Maybe an aide to check on them daily. I would have PT/OT assess to see if she is safe without 24 hour care, too.

Hello. I read your post and a lot echoes what I am going through with my FIL. He is 82 and lives very far from my husband I. We recently visited and discovered that his living alone is no longer safe. My sister in law had seen him and refusing to actually see that it has come to the need for other living arrangements. Thank God that he is trusting us and gave us POA. We literally removed him immediately and he is with a friend temporarily. We have decided that he needs assisted living. I would say that this decision is very hard but you have to look at safety first. We included him in looking at Assisted living facilities and he seems at peace. He still struggles with realizing he will never live alone and ask about his apartment almost daily.Find peace in knowing that whatever decision you make is for his safety and well-being.

Sorry in advance for the long post....

Jemfleming: I think you are spot-on with your comments. My mom is 87, lives alone, and we have 3 internal remotely accessed PTZ cameras (living room/dining room, bedroom and pointing in to her bathroom/kitchen...can't see her toilet or inside her shower, but can see if she is IN the bathroom), safety bars for her to go up the two stairs to her house, two 4-wheel walkers for her to use (one for in her house, and one in the garage for when she goes for a walk). We did pay to convert her tub to a shower with several grab bars inside and out, and a chair for her to sit on in the shower. It's a 1900 house, so believe me, that was a good safety upgrade...pink tub and all. LOL

Additionally, she has an emergency pendant she wears that has 2 way communication on it if she falls, both in the house and a miles away (this has been tested).

I installed grab bars for her to get in and out of her bed, and I call her once a day to see how she's doing.

We're not having anyone come in to check on her yet, because I'm not sure how to find a trustworthy person, and hiring a company is out, as they want a commitment of at least 4 hours a day a couple of times a week and she can't afford that...again we can't pay for it for her. I'm often visiting her every other weekend (Friday night to Sunday afternoon), as I live 2.5 hours away with my husband. (I'm her only child). During those visits I help her get rid of things she doesn't need any more...hauling unneeded items from upstairs down to the first floor where she stays now (master bedroom is downstairs) so we can get rid of things...I've cleaned out 2 of the 3 bedrooms upstairs, in case I can ever have someone move in and help her as part of rent. I also take her to Costco, and assist with odd jobs around the house.

We do not want to move to her town, and moving her to our house is a no go...not only because I flat don't want her living with us, but because all her doctors are in her town and shockingly she can actually get in to see them with just a few days notice, vs MONTHS notice in the town where I am. Plus, she knows the area where she lives, and I've talked her in to walking every day she can get out, to stay mobile.

She has some age related memory loss, maybe a little Altzheimers (not sure), but doesn't seem to have dementia...I went through it with my dad, who definitely had dementia....my mom and dad divorced over 50 years ago, and he was remarried.

You have to take each person's abilities and situation under consideration. Staying at home is ALWAYS less expensive, and you can't really force someone to move. My mom doesn't have enough equity in her house, or enough in her savings to get her into assisted living....in her town there are no facilities with Medicaid beds, just assisted living facilities where you pay until you can't afford it any more and they kick you out. In my town there ARE adult family homes where you CAN transition to Medicaid after self-pay for 2-3 years...but she doesn't even have enough money set aside (or in equity) to self pay for even 1 year. We can't pay for it for her and impact our retirement savings. We have no kids and have been diligent and responsible in saving for our own retirement...she has never been one to save....too interested in buying a bunch of crap (mostly craft things) she never used and never needed (much of the items I got rid of were brand new from years before), never thinking of her future needs. I guess she always thought "I" was her long term plan....

I'm sure at some point I'll HAVE to live with her, but I'm putting it off as long as I can, as it will disrupt our marriage when I do that, and I have never felt close to her (she's always been a narcissist). It will NOT be a good situation for any of us (her, me or my husband).

She probably cannot live alone 24 hours a day. Can you find a suitable Assisted Living facility for her? Having someone check on her 2x a day, is not realistic for the long run. All the home help that we have here require a 3 hour minimum stay.

How about senior daycare?

I suspect that the 24x7caregivers is driving her bonkers, especially after all the quiet and independence she had. My Mom said the caregivers were a waste of time because all they did was watch over her. My brother pointed out that they had caught her occasionally before she fell, however she just didn’t like being watched.

I think you can avoid a facility and conserve some financial resources by trying a few strategies to keep her at home while giving you some peace of mind. 24 hour aide care is extremely expensive and may not be necessary. There are cameras that would allow you and your sibling to discreetly monitor her whereabouts and activities in her house and even talk to her. There are devices she can wear or carry that would allow her to summon help and also let you know where she is. Lively sells one that is good. It has a GPS locator and there are live operators who can communicate if a fall is detected. You can purchase a lock box with a house key and mount it outside her front door. You can then let the local EMS know that she lives alone and you have a lock box, and you and your sibling are the primary people to contact. If there are trusted neighbors nearby, you can ask them to just keep an eye out for her and to let you know if they notice any issues. I would do all of these things. When it comes to hiring aides, I would decide what hours are the best use of her finances and which hours cover critical safety periods. Meals are important - you don’t want her burning the house down. Maybe the aides can make sure that doesn’t happen. I would tell her that if she wishes to continue to stay in her home these are necessary conditions for that to be possible and they are non-negotiable. Eventually, something will happen to make you have to adjust your plan - but the important thing is to to have a plan and to understand it is not your fault if the best laid plan fails - it is out of your control. My rule of thumb is “Do what you can - not what you can’t.”

Ask her doctor if she is mentally competent to live alone. A mentally competent person would be able to be safe and to do what is necessary to stay healthy. If she isn't safe or her living situation isn't safe - that would be a reason to require somebody to stay with her. If she can not keep herself healthy without help - that would be another reason to require somebody to stay with her. You could tell her that the doctor requires somebody to stay with her while she "recovers."

Everyone ages differently, at different rates and has different constitutions. I would like to know how the people got 24/7 for their mom. My mom would love 24/7! and if it keeps you living at home, don't knock it. The decision concerning remaining at home or going to a facility can be a very difficult one. Most facilities are horrible and like living in a hospital. My sister is in one probably permanently. She adjusted the best she could but it wears on her and she dreams of going home. It is a horrible life. My mother is 99 going on 100. She has an aide 8 hours per day. She needs more hours but between the reluctance of the benefit management company and the scarcity of aides it is nearly impossible to get more hours. If my sister could live with my mother it would solve both of their problems but my sister needs help with her diabetes beyond what an aide can do and she needs help with transferring (she is heavy!), bathing, etc. I live 60 miles from my mother, we don't get along and I hate staying over because of the conditions in the apartment, besides when I am there either my mom is sleeping or I am as she is nocturnal. I manage all her affairs and go there one a week or once in two weeks. I take her to all her appointments. It is exhausting.

The 24 hr care already in place. Continue.

With 2x a day check-ins, what if she fell right after the person left? She could lay on floor for 12 hrs or more before the next check in.

Tell her to prove her ability. Every single step indoors and out must be with a walker. Get Dr to order in home physical and occupational therapy to build strength and balance and she must agree to participate when therapist is there and on days therapist doesn't come.

You may find she really gets stronger and could cut some caretaker hrs back. If she wants to continue without putting forth any effort, 24 hr care is needed.

You might ask her if she knows about a good nursing home in the event the next fall renders her bed bound for the rest of her life. You'd refer she has caretaker help and remain at home, but her cooperation is needed

“Im independent and can live alone! I JUST need someone to cook, clean, grocery shop, pay my bills , manage my meds, help me shower and maybe stay with me at night.”

So many of us here have heard these words.

I live alone in CA at age 69 and completely independent at this time. Hopefully, I can stay in my condo alone until at least age 80. I do have POA with out of state family, with the nearest relatives in OR and TX. Without local family, I have just remote contact by telephone, email and text message. Unfortunately, no one ever checks on me. If I were to fall and not be able to reach my cell phone or telephone, I may be on the floor in my place for days, perhaps a week or longer before anyone finds me. I costs so much to have Life Alert, preferably fall detection. It is so expensive to live in a retirement place that I may be forced into assisted living someday like my late mother was in 2013.

My brother in law is 86 and lives 2 hours from us in a 55+ community. Other than having a panic button in his home he is on his own. We are starting to see the decline. He has some health issues but powers on. He doesn't live close enough for us to really be of any help except in an emergency. I keep telling my husband we need a Plan B for him but 'they don't talk about that kind of stuff'. I hope he understands it will be 99% his problem when it does hit the fan.

Snowid: Prayers sent.

I live in Florida. There are a lot of people in their upper 90's living alone. They hire someone to cut the grass. They hire someone to clean once a week.

I believe that she can as long as basic needs are covered. I have cared for people who vehemently said no to a facility and loved it once they moved and others who hated it and did not thrive. I think the daily visits are a good interim measure. It can easily be increased especially if you are paying someone to be the caregiver.
If she is budget conscious you can add up the monthly cost of running her own home with outside help and of a facility.
If family is providing the outside help then stress and fatigue are large factors.
This is the end of her journey and a large part of yours. I wish you all joy through this transition.

If she is mentally competent, makes appropriate decisions and can manage her own personal care, she should be able to live alone with part-time help as needed. From your description of her situation, it sounds like twice a day help might do nicely.

Home health care workers often require minimum shifts of 3 or 4 hours per shift. She may not need that much time. If there is a community college nursing program or a nursing school in her area, maybe a student could be hired for shorter shifts. I think I would investigate that for myself if I were in her position.

I she is or becomes diagnosed with cognitive declone, these options may change

Your mother sounds like she needs full time care- she is now a danger to herself

accidents move her into a more serious level. time for some hard decisions

Wonder if care facilities allow her to stay a night or two
my friends mother was against it but once moved in settled in very well

other alternatives
maybe a camera in her home so you can check up on her ? Emergency buttons
altho those other alternatives look like patching up a problem rather than fixing it ( sometimes you need to tho)
depending on the personality of the person
good luck



Maybe a slow transition

My mom is alone, but I am concerned about how much longer she can stay in her house. Her entire support system has crumbled, and I am four hours away. I got a POA and a medical POA. I called a friend who runs a senior services agency. I was able to get Mom meals on wheels, a social worker, a practical nurse who works with her doctor, and a home help.

After my dad died 12 years ago, the first thing she did was add me to her bank account. Paying her bills frustrates her, so I took that over about 6 months ago.

So the point of all that is, reach out and find someone to help you. It was amazing to me how many services were out there.

It's not her age so much as her ability to care for herself. The appearance of symptoms of dementia (falls, repetitive conversations, not making good judgements about herself, etc.) should not be ignored. You can have a social worker come into her home to advise on what to do to make it more age friendly. Would she wear the medical alert bracelet or necklace so that she can call for help if she falls? Is she disposing of spoiled food in her refridgerator? Is she using the stove and sink properly? Is she a wanderer - meaning, would she go out by herself and get lost? Her symtoms will not get better, only worse. Can she still shop and cook for herself? Is she eating healthy meals? If not, a 24/7 aid can also help with this. A social worker could also help assess what her needs are. But also be prepared for a time when she needs more care. At that point, it may be best for her to be in a memory care facility or assisted living. All the best to your mother, you, and your family.

Well my mom had a stroke almost 2 years ago, and like your mom lives alone and we didn’t find her until 12 hours later when she dragged herself to her phone (despite being told to bring phone with her everywhere). Several months of rehab she was back home. I was there 4times a day at first but as she got stronger we made her do more on her own. She uses the walker (not properly of course), toilets herself, goes to the fridge to get lunch or snacks ….i am there in the morning and dinner time now (more than enough for me). I watch when she showers, make sure she takes meds, but she is still in her own house by herself the majority of the time. I do have cameras in the house to watch when she is walking around. Even twice a day has burned me out but she refuses to go to assisted living.

in a nutshell, twice a day visits should be ok……recommend getting granny cams though

This is such a hard decision! If you decide to give it a trial run (dismiss sitters and have check ins to manage meds), put cameras in the house. Both of you can access footage (live) from your cell phone. That will help you come to an agree on a final decision. Hospice or home health is another layer of check-ins. Primary caregiver can write the order.

My mother is 79, lives alone (since my dad passed some months ago) 3 miles from me, has a lot of mobility problems, walks with a cane, refuses to use a walker, rarely goes out, and also refuses to use a medical alert pendant after trying it and hating it. She has no memory problems so far. She has VERY firm ideas about the kind of help she wants/ needs around the house and the kind she does NOT. No helper has lasted more than a few weeks other than the weekly cleaner. Except for me. Luckily, she does all her own personal care at this point including preparing healthy quick meals for herself.

After a long period of contemplation and reading this forum, I have come around to agreeing with Margaret, Alva, Elizabeth and others. My mom’s mind is intact and she has the right to make her own decisions. It’s me who struggles with the idea of her dying alone after hours in pain on the floor after a fall. Or me who fears finding her that way, either alive and injured or dead.

She actively prefers this to the idea of moving to AL or a facility of any kind or having live-in help. A few really do die quickly and at least relatively quickly in their own homes or soon after a fall. This is actually a best case scenario. It just took me a long while to realize it. Of course, most falls don’t lead to quick death.

What I now fear more — and I think she does too — is a long period of increased helplessness. I am pretty sure if she broke a hip and needed rehab and physical therapy, she would hate it and be uncooperative, so would wind up in a wheelchair and then could not live alone.

Many people are living alone at age 83, and coping with less than a check twice a day. My much loved first MIL did that until she was about 92. She had a necklace alarm for falls, and she was quite willing to use her walker (though very resistant at first). Whether you are “comfortable with this” is not really the point.

Perhaps you could talk sensibly to her, and tell her that there is a real chance that she will fall and be in serious pain until she is found, possibly die. Does she want to take that chance? What does she think about death, and how would she like it to happen? You may find it easier to accept her choice if you are confident that she is competent to understand the risks and it is genuinely her choice, no matter how it turns out.

Perhaps a good idea is to write her a (legible) letter after the conversation, saying that you are sorry about her choice (if that is true), and that she can change her mind at any time she wishes. If she would like to try out a facility, you can arrange respite for a couple of weeks so that she has a real understanding of the options. I am 77 at present, and I certainly wouldn’t want either of my daughters to decide how I live my own life - now or in the foreseeable future.

Snowid, welcome to the forum. So many of us here have dealt with a parent who think they can be totally independent. Sadly we need to wait for a major illness or major fall before we can get a parent into Assisted Living/Memory Care/Skilled Nursing Facility.


My Mom (90+) was one of them. After numerous falls, there was one fall that changed her life forever, it was a fall with a major head trauma. Mom fell in her kitchen. She could no longer function as the head injury accelerated her mild dementia into later stage, plus she kept forgetting she couldn't no longer stand up, so she was placed in a skilled nursing facility as she needed a village to help her.


After what Mom went through, my Dad was quick to sell their home and move into a senior living facility. Oh how he wished my Mom would have agreed to this so that she could have still been with him. He loved it there, especially being around people from his own generation :)

She can fall anywhere . Can’t change that .
The memory problems , possibly causing her to burn the house down is the problem . Sounds like she shouldn’t be alone. If you lose this debate with your sibling and Mom is alone , I would disable the stove , get rid of candles matches , lighters etc.

Having people there 24/7 isn't necessarily going to prevent future falls, they can (and often do) happen when someone is right there. I would allow the twice a day caregivers and also sign her up with a fall alert pendant service so you have peace of mind she can get help if she needs it, at least for a trial period. Tell her that wearing the pendant and her using the walker are the compromises she needs to make in order to get her way.

She can’t live alone SAFELY. Let’s just say that someone “checks” on her twice a day. What is “checks?” Zip in and out in 10 minutes? Spend half an hour with her during which you have to cook for her, dole out meds, and listen to her complaining that you never stay long enough? So you leave at 8:30 am and show up again at 8:30 pm, but she must have fallen around 9:00 am, hit her head, and she’s dead. This is stark reality. This is what happens.

She needs to go to assisted living.

Welp, it better not be you who enables this mess and checks on her twice a day.

Tell your sister that if she gets rid of 24/7 help, you are not her Plan B. She can go that road alone.

Your mom needs to be tested for dementia.

I am 82
Partner is 84
We live independently. With stairs. A two flat and old building; he still does more than a few repairs. We are still taking long walks, fostering a dog, cooking, cleaning, gardening, driving, shopping........................SO FAR.
I am a retired RN, so I have seen a lot.
Our children, as the vagaries of life would have it, are crumping before us. Illnesses, and auto immune stuff and debilitating falls (daughter's doctor looked at her hip MRI and said "What happened, you fell off a horse and then the horse fell on YOU?").
So basically, we are on our own with the decision of "How long can you do this".
The the thoughts, now, for both of us is that independent living is a joke when it would cost in our area about 15,000 a month and we are already DOING IT in our own building. ALF isn't something we are ready for. So....................
Here we are. Still. Today.

I took a flier in the street Saturday; balance is an issue, and so are our streets and sidewalks; I can't recover myself on a trip-and-fall. Nothing busted....................THIS TIME. I do look as though the old man beat me.

I am just saying, if something DOES happen, and I make it back home, I will look askance at the one who tells me what I must use and what I must not do and etc. 24/7 care I can't much imagine unless we are talking billionaire status. We are said to have lots of them; haven't seen one on Forum yet. That I know of.

All this to say, back away as much as you are able.
Let us IMAGINE that it ALL GOES SOUTH badly. The truth is that we all die. Is dying at home not as good as doing it in a nursing home? Perhaps better?
More and more (and of course it is MY AGE) I think that it's an option this going out of the home feet first. The nursing homes are to make YOU feel better. Not us. And you won't feel better, because you can read in this very thread someone worrying about her mom's bruises. You will STILL WORRY. Feel responsible. And you AREN'T.

Only you know the fine tuning in this, your own situation. I don't.
Only you can decide just how much to interfere. But you won't be thanked for it, and you may be thanked a lot more for just allowing her to be in her home so long as she is able. She fully understand that the grim reaper will soon be a-knocking.
Just some food for thought from someone who is "there". Be glad I didn't tell you about my partner's stroke two weeks ago!
Now go and do it your own way, best you are able.

Hi snow, I'm wondering who is POA?

I've been in this very similar situation for quite a while.

I will say, if your not poa be very careful what you say to your siblings and mom, because if they know how you feel you could be pushed out of any of not all decision making.

Many people age at home and choose to, they would rather die on the bathroom floor than go into the system. That is what some of us here have had to accept.

What I have done is put my worry about mom out of my mind, as much as possible. I have no power no control, it's me against mom and 3 siblings.

What I have done, was tell my family, what I'm willing to do and not willing to do. If I see that I'm enabling mom to stay home when she definitely should not be alone, I'm walking. Mom has a degenerative spine, if she has another episode where she can't walk , I'm done. I will not watch her in pain again. I will not bring her to doctors in a wheelchair again I will not do physical care. It's been like 6 months since her last episode and physical therapy has been done for over a month, so I'm filling expecting, that it's about time for more decline, soon.

So id advise you to figure out your boundaries now, and stick to them

Of course I agree mom should not be left alone for long periods of time, but it does happen

Which, if any, of the siblings has POA for mom’s healthcare and financial decisions for when she can no longer make sound choices for herself? It’s vital that document is in place by mom assigning the role to someone. As for living alone, if she’s still judged by her doctors to be of sound mind, she gets to decide how she lives, even if the family thinks it’s unsafe. Not uncommon for doctors not to see the whole picture or not do a complete cognitive assessment. Has she had a thorough cognitive evaluation? If she’s unable to make sound decisions and is judged incompetent, the POA can decide to change her living arrangements. Doesn’t mean she will get cooperative or not fight it. Your mom is wise enough to see the loss of her abilities and independence, the losses are piling up, something that’s hard for anyone to deal with and know how to cope with. My dad was helped tremendously by a small dose of Zoloft when he got so down by all this, he often called it his “attitude medicine” as he knew it helped lighten his mood. Perhaps mom could benefit from a med to help with this as well, something to discuss with her doctor. I wish you the best in figuring this out, it’s often like choosing from the best of the rotten options