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When she could no longer keep her room and bathroom clean, I hired a cleaning lady (with her money) to take care of her areas, change her sheets and then work on common areas as time permitted. She complained and stressed about it but I was NOT taking on any new chores.
As she needed more and more help and direction, I started adding caregivers. More complaining. But too bad - again I was NOT doing more. Well, of course, I was doing more but I couldn't do it all. You can start slow but start getting help ASAP. You deserve to not be under 24/7 pressure of their needs. It's just too much. We deserve time of our own and freedom to do as we wish.
Now, against her wishes, she is in assisted living. According to her, her life is horrible now. Oh well. It's an adjustment but caregivers have a right to live a life that does not revolve around the "needs" of our elderly, failing, parents.
Start finding help now. You won't regret it.
Welcome to the forum. Caring for your father is going to be very difficult to do on your own. Has he been assessed by a social worker or doctor?
Here's my story as from my late mother's situation. I was 56 with lots of energy at the time. She was 92 back in 2012 and had several medical conditions plus osteoporosis and suffered a back injury in one of her several falls. She also had bipolar and hated help coming in our condo. Fortunately, I had some family who lives out of state to check in. My social worker sister told me I could not care for Mom 24/7 even though I was unemployed at the time. After a year of my work, another of her falls sent her to a NH when Kaiser would not send her home alone.
Please use my late mother's example of how difficult it is to folly alone. All my best wishes for you and your Dad.
Patathome01
😍
Have a talk with Dad about wants and the reality of his needs. If he doesn't like the feeling of a stranger in his house, then he'll need to go to a nursing home. If he's bothered by a stranger dealing with his intimate needs, ask him if he thinks a daughter should be dealing with his intimate needs.
Sometimes just talking out what's really bothering him will clarify the issue. The bottom line, though, is he cannot demand of you what you can't or are not willing to provide unless you allow him to.
When you say. ‘care at home’ do you mean in his home or your home?
No matter where he is, it’s always going to be a challenging situation. I feel that welcoming a parent into our home is the most difficult situation, even if we have help.
I believe some parents feel as if their child owes them care because they raised them.
No doubt that a caring parent sacrifices for their children but their children do not owe them anything in return. It is the parent’s responsibility to properly care for them. If they don’t care for them, it’s negligence.
Ideally parents will raise their children to become responsible independent adults to be in charge of their own lives. How can an adult child fully lead their own life if they have taken on the full time job of caregiver to the parent? It doesn’t work out very well for either of them.
Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way. I took a parent into my home. Please avoid making this mistake.
Find others to be your dad’s caregiver, hire someone or place him in a facility and remain being his daughter. You can oversee his care and continue to live your life with much less stress.
"When you sadly lose your parent you wish to have all the awful times back, because your yearn so great. Keep going, stay strong even though you’re in a cloud of fog and remember you’ll look back one day and say I did it xx"
Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. What would your father do if that happened?
If possible and if within your Dad's budget, he would do better living in a senior facility Independent Living or Assisted Living depending on his health needs. Plus he would be around people of his own age group. My Dad was happy as a clam moving into senior living [he was also in his 90's].
A common *want* but NOT a *need*.
Sometimes it can be fear/anxiety, sometimes an entitled attitude, sometimes pride.
Finding out out his objections may help you. Ask & listen to his reasons. You may be able to have an adult discussion & reason it through..?
However, if not.. he needs a firm chat.
Depending on your style, you can choose your method of chat.. humour, tactful, flattery or straight up blunt.
But tell him NO.
The old sh1te sandwich can work well;
"Thankyou for having such trust in me Dad.
But your request is unreasonable & unrealistic. It won't be happening.
We ALL need other people to help us. You will get used to it".
Remind him of that old saying *No man is an island*.
State that being a wise & gracious man you are confident he can make this adjustment.
Or simply "No. That won't work".
Or even "I am your daughter. NOT your maid-servant". (Some men have that mixed up).
Or don't explain at all, just act!
Arrange copious amounts of in-home care or start looking for an AL residence for him.
The options are A. Age in his present home - with help. Or B. Be moved into a new home to age - with help.
There is no option called enslave daughter (or other relative).
Option C. I call Crises. For those that will not adapt - a crises happens that will force them to change & to accept help.
Note: all three options mean adapting & accepting help.
Oh, except Option D. Demise.
I have no idea what the best way is to care for an elderly parent alone at home, with no children or partner support, with a father who wants nobody BUT you to cater to him. It sounds literally impossible because it IS literally impossible! Nobody can be the sole caregiver to a 93 y/o man who requires 24/7 care.
In another post asking What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? you said: "Frightened, tired, fog brain, alone, getting it wrong. House a mess, functioning and keeping focused."
If that's how you're truly feeling while taking care of dad, put your foot down HARD right NOW. Let dad know you're sorry but you cannot DO this any longer! That he has a choice: he can agree to hire in home caregivers to help you out OR he can agree to move into Assisted Living. Which will it be, dad?
You are only one human being and you can't keep doing this full time caregiving alone anymore. Please realize that and give dad that choice I mentioned earlier.
GOOD LUCK!
You've told us what your father wants.
What do YOU want? Is it physically, emotionally and financially possible for you to care for your father? Will you be whole and healthy if he lives for another 5 or 10 years?
Do you realize that you're allowed to say "no"?