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You've told us what your father wants.
What do YOU want? Is it physically, emotionally and financially possible for you to care for your father? Will you be whole and healthy if he lives for another 5 or 10 years?
Do you realize that you're allowed to say "no"?
I have no idea what the best way is to care for an elderly parent alone at home, with no children or partner support, with a father who wants nobody BUT you to cater to him. It sounds literally impossible because it IS literally impossible! Nobody can be the sole caregiver to a 93 y/o man who requires 24/7 care.
In another post asking What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving? you said: "Frightened, tired, fog brain, alone, getting it wrong. House a mess, functioning and keeping focused."
If that's how you're truly feeling while taking care of dad, put your foot down HARD right NOW. Let dad know you're sorry but you cannot DO this any longer! That he has a choice: he can agree to hire in home caregivers to help you out OR he can agree to move into Assisted Living. Which will it be, dad?
You are only one human being and you can't keep doing this full time caregiving alone anymore. Please realize that and give dad that choice I mentioned earlier.
GOOD LUCK!
A common *want* but NOT a *need*.
Sometimes it can be fear/anxiety, sometimes an entitled attitude, sometimes pride.
Finding out out his objections may help you. Ask & listen to his reasons. You may be able to have an adult discussion & reason it through..?
However, if not.. he needs a firm chat.
Depending on your style, you can choose your method of chat.. humour, tactful, flattery or straight up blunt.
But tell him NO.
The old sh1te sandwich can work well;
"Thankyou for having such trust in me Dad.
But your request is unreasonable & unrealistic. It won't be happening.
We ALL need other people to help us. You will get used to it".
Remind him of that old saying *No man is an island*.
State that being a wise & gracious man you are confident he can make this adjustment.
Or simply "No. That won't work".
Or even "I am your daughter. NOT your maid-servant". (Some men have that mixed up).
Or don't explain at all, just act!
Arrange copious amounts of in-home care or start looking for an AL residence for him.
The options are A. Age in his present home - with help. Or B. Be moved into a new home to age - with help.
There is no option called enslave daughter (or other relative).
Option C. I call Crises. For those that will not adapt - a crises happens that will force them to change & to accept help.
Note: all three options mean adapting & accepting help.
Oh, except Option D. Demise.
Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. What would your father do if that happened?
If possible and if within your Dad's budget, he would do better living in a senior facility Independent Living or Assisted Living depending on his health needs. Plus he would be around people of his own age group. My Dad was happy as a clam moving into senior living [he was also in his 90's].
"When you sadly lose your parent you wish to have all the awful times back, because your yearn so great. Keep going, stay strong even though you’re in a cloud of fog and remember you’ll look back one day and say I did it xx"
When you say. ‘care at home’ do you mean in his home or your home?
No matter where he is, it’s always going to be a challenging situation. I feel that welcoming a parent into our home is the most difficult situation, even if we have help.
I believe some parents feel as if their child owes them care because they raised them.
No doubt that a caring parent sacrifices for their children but their children do not owe them anything in return. It is the parent’s responsibility to properly care for them. If they don’t care for them, it’s negligence.
Ideally parents will raise their children to become responsible independent adults to be in charge of their own lives. How can an adult child fully lead their own life if they have taken on the full time job of caregiver to the parent? It doesn’t work out very well for either of them.
Unfortunately I had to learn this the hard way. I took a parent into my home. Please avoid making this mistake.
Find others to be your dad’s caregiver, hire someone or place him in a facility and remain being his daughter. You can oversee his care and continue to live your life with much less stress.
Have a talk with Dad about wants and the reality of his needs. If he doesn't like the feeling of a stranger in his house, then he'll need to go to a nursing home. If he's bothered by a stranger dealing with his intimate needs, ask him if he thinks a daughter should be dealing with his intimate needs.
Sometimes just talking out what's really bothering him will clarify the issue. The bottom line, though, is he cannot demand of you what you can't or are not willing to provide unless you allow him to.
Welcome to the forum. Caring for your father is going to be very difficult to do on your own. Has he been assessed by a social worker or doctor?
Here's my story as from my late mother's situation. I was 56 with lots of energy at the time. She was 92 back in 2012 and had several medical conditions plus osteoporosis and suffered a back injury in one of her several falls. She also had bipolar and hated help coming in our condo. Fortunately, I had some family who lives out of state to check in. My social worker sister told me I could not care for Mom 24/7 even though I was unemployed at the time. After a year of my work, another of her falls sent her to a NH when Kaiser would not send her home alone.
Please use my late mother's example of how difficult it is to folly alone. All my best wishes for you and your Dad.
Patathome01
😍
When she could no longer keep her room and bathroom clean, I hired a cleaning lady (with her money) to take care of her areas, change her sheets and then work on common areas as time permitted. She complained and stressed about it but I was NOT taking on any new chores.
As she needed more and more help and direction, I started adding caregivers. More complaining. But too bad - again I was NOT doing more. Well, of course, I was doing more but I couldn't do it all. You can start slow but start getting help ASAP. You deserve to not be under 24/7 pressure of their needs. It's just too much. We deserve time of our own and freedom to do as we wish.
Now, against her wishes, she is in assisted living. According to her, her life is horrible now. Oh well. It's an adjustment but caregivers have a right to live a life that does not revolve around the "needs" of our elderly, failing, parents.
Start finding help now. You won't regret it.
*Get rid of any tripping hazards (ei rugs, mats, floor decor, etc).
*Install hand rails and anti slip mats in the bathroom.
*Have food like fruits and veggies pre cut, so to avoid injury.
*Get their eyes tested, lots of falls happen because of poor vision.
*Do more skype or video calls for appointments that don't require them to be there in person.
*Print out a list of prescriptions they take (including dosage amounts and dosage instructions), make copies (put one in the car, one in the house, and one in your wallet or purse).
*If the have a DNR (Do not Resistate) make sure it's legal and notarized. Take copies to their primary care physician/local hospital. Leave a copy in the car.
*If you have any family traditions, do them if you can. It lifts their spirits.
*If they have hobbies, join them.
*Give them love and encouragement.
***Know this! You are doing the best you can. Breathe, do self care, forgive yourself for the things you can't do, and know there will be more to be learned. And of course, you are NOT alone! Hope that helps, these things have helped me. Take Care ❤
PS if it gets to be too much, ask for help! No shame in that! Sometimes it's what's best for everyone.
and excellent promise of self-preservation:
“I promised myself that if I worried it would affect my health I would stop my own caregiving.”
——
i’m also very proud of what i’ve done and am at peace with it. now i’m working towards my freedom. like you ClairJ, that doesn’t mean i completely stop helping.
meanwhile, here i am helping my elderly LOs with a few more things, and feeding them daily jokes with their breakfast, so they start each day laughing 🥰.
The caregiver bears the brunt of the relationship, so be sure to take time out for YOU. You cannot do it alone, even if it’s just to get someone in once a week so you can get away from the situation awhile. If he is still good mentally, remind him that if you get sick, he will have no options. God bless.
There's no need to be a martyr when you can be a visiting advocate.
What human being on this earth wouldn't rather have family than a paid professional take care of them? However, the toll it takes on one person is enormous, and you will be better off to hire part time care who is a good fit for BOTH of you. Dad will adjust. It's not like there aren't huge rewards for caring for your parent - the issue is you won't be able to see them or feel them as your dad's needs increase. So do it with love - but do with help. If you're looking for ways to address specific care needs, let us know. This website has members who have dealt with every conceivable need. We care!
Always have a life outside of caregiving because when a person doesn't, they've got no life at all.
I would have "the friend" shadow you a day or so. Have them interact with your parents while you are there (caregivers can get into the habit of interacting only with you, and not the client). Say things like, "Do you mind helping me with some cooking?" Etc so your parents get the impression this is truly a friend helping out, and not hired help.
This is of course with the understanding that you are paying the bills. If they are paying them, they may not want to pay for care. In that case you may say your good friend gets paid to help people when they need it and "I won't be here such and such times. I would feel better having someone here for you. She gets paid to do this as she is good at it but she is also a friend. I don't feel comfortable with just anyone". This addresses a lot of their fears. If it turns out they don't like the "friend" at first but you do, you can says things like "Yeah that was a bit awkward. I do appreciate she wants to help me though,as I could use it. Maybe we can give her a chance." And if you yourself don't think it'll work you can just not have "the friend" over anymore.
Good luck and God bless!!!
I made the decision to take on the caregiver role after observing mom's care while in rehab for hip surgery. I would visit the facility at least twice a day (our home is just down the street) to see if her "care plan" was being followed. One day, I arrived late morning to find her not at physical therapy, but in bed with the blinds closed. When I asked staff why, the reply was "Well, your mom said she was tired, so we decided to let her sleep". She also developed a pressure ulcer. That did it. I went to the staff social worker and said mom was there to receive rehab so she could go home, not lay in bed so staff did not have to deal with her. I ended up participating in the physical therapy sessions from then on so I could be prepared for what I needed to do when she came home.
What made my situation different than some on this forum was that mom was pretty cooperative from day one. Did we have disagreements, of course. But right up until she passed in January at age 93, she seldom complained about how I was taking care of her.
I was her healthcare proxy, POA, and Executor. We followed a daily schedule, a NECESSITY which made life much easier to manage. I received monthly calls from the Office of the Aging caregiver advocate who asked not only how mom was doing, but how I was doing. I communicated very well with her primary care doctor. I had the assistance of meals on wheels delivery, which gave me an option as I prepared her three meals a day. I made sure when I left home to conduct errands it would be no more than an hour, and that mom had her cell phone handy (She also had the emergency necklace). I did have an aide come in once a week just so mom (and I) could have another person to chat with.
I was acutely aware that the day might come where her health could deteriorate to the point where I would have to consider placement in a facility. It was on my mind everyday.
As I look back almost a year after her death, I still can't believe I did what I did, but I'm so glad I did it. Each one of us on this forum have a different story to tell. But we are all tied together as a community of concerned individuals who just want the best for those they care about.
* Are you his POA ? If you are, you make these kinds of decisions.
* Whether he has dementia or not, you do your best to explain the / his care needs for his welfare/best care and do that once (the explaining). Often talking logic doesn't compute and is a waste of your energy. Depending on his cognitive abilities / understanding, do the best you can in any given moment - and then make the plans to get help / caregivers scheduled.
- It may or may not help to ease someone in, saying they are a family (or specifically) your friend - if you think this will make any difference in his comfort level.
IMPORTANT:
- DO talk to care providers first and let them know how to talk to your dad (his hobbies, interests, concerns) so they can relate / connect with him - and he feel this connection "they care".
IT IS IMPERATIVE that you realize that no matter how torn you are between doing what he needs (more / other care / providers) and what he says and how emotional he may get - pulling your heartstrings - is realizing that without you available, he will either get caregivers - on an emergency basis put in place, with no easing in, and you will be too exhausted and unable to meet his care needs.
- Doing what is needed and the right action doesn't mean it is an easy decision for you. It is emotionally difficult to make these decisions as health care needs change, demanding more of your time and energy. It is hard. Acknowledge yourself for doing what you know you need to do - for him and yourself.
- YOU MUST take care of yourself first to be available to him.
Gena / Touch Matters