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I think that two things would help you.
1. Set firmer boundaries
2. Grow thicker skin.
YOU decide what you are willing to do for Mother. "Mom, I won't be going to the bank with you this weekend. You are quite independent and I know you'll be able to handle that on your own just fine. If you schedule it ahead of time a cab can come right when you want it." Followed by "No, Mom, I really can't do it this weekend," as many times as you want. When you were nine, Mommy could control you. Now you need to take control yourself. I certainly don't mean you should never do things for her ... just that what you do is your choice, and she can figure out how she'll get the other services she needs.
Try very, very hard not to feel responsible for her behavior. She is not your two-year-old and people won't be judging what kind of job you are doing raising this wild child. This is an adult, responsible (or not) for her own behavior. Whether she could behave better if she tried or this is beyond her control, it is not YOUR behavior. If she gives the bank teller a bad time, stand aside and roll your eyes so the teller gets it that you are not in agreement with Mother's rude behavior. She loudly calls MacDonalds slop and crap while eating there with you? That is not exactly a hanging offense and it is certainly not your problem. Her lack of inhibitions may be a symptom of her deteriorating mental capacity, but it is no reason for you to stress out. Laugh. "Oh Mom, so sorry. Next time you can pick where we have a snack. But I like MacDonalds, so let's just finish our food in peace and leave." Or "Mother, please keep your voice down. I can hear you just fine." Or even, "Mother, the scene you are making makes me uncomfortable, so I'll finish my food in the car. Join me there when you are ready." Having a meltdown yourself is just not called for. Stop holding your breath. If she behaves rudely that is Not Your Problem.
Repeat that. Say, "I am a person, too."
I know the line about "honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long upon the earth." It's also true that what seems to honor your father or mother can drive you to an early grave where you will be of no use to them.
Appeal to your state's Office on Aging for help. They can provide lisenced, bonded caregivers who can fill in for you. Some of them do patient care and some of them do light housekeeping. Even if they just sit in the living room and read a magazine while you are gone, they will still be present if an ememergency occurs.
Is there someone your mom respects enough to listen to in this case? It would help if that person could come and explain things to your mom. If not, Just announce how things are going to be now and acto on your announcement.
It is not cruel to save yourself. Another Biblical reference says: Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit? (1 Cor.6:19). No where do I read that you are supposed to destroy your own body (or mind) to take care of another person's body -- not even a parent's.
The bottom line is that things cannot remain the same. Then present her with choices:
1. She can wait for a crisis. If she does, she will have to take the best that's on offer at that very moment (not the best available with a little planning).
2. Accepting (in home) help now can put off the day when she has to move into a care facility. Not accepting help means she is waiting for the crisis.
3. Moving into an independent living facility will mean that she keeps her independence. She will be able to make choices; not just live by the institution's schedule and regulations.
4. Accepting help with housework is not surrendering any independence. It is rewarding one's self for doing these thankless tasks for 50 or more years. There are reputable companies that provide this help. We've all heard horror stories about people being ripped off. Making the choice now means that she can guarrantee that the help chosen is bonded (that is insurred not to be a thief) and if something happens, the goods can be recovered.
This is all overwhelming. Allow some time to pass before pressing for a decision. And don't be upset if you have to go over some of it a second or a third time. And if she won't decide, you may have to make a decision for her. The advantage to having had the talks is that you will have some idea of what she would have decided if she could.
Blessings on your efforts and good luck be with you.
Hi Susan,
The uncooperative thing is the hardest. Most of our parents want to maintain their independence, even when their safety is compromised. So they can make it very hard for us to help them.
But you can't do it all for two households. In-home care agencies may be of some help, if your senior can afford it, but even then they often won't cooperate and let them in the house.. Is there a good friend of your elder's who could talk a little sense? Assisted living, if it's a good center, can afford a lot of independence, but have help available. Again, that is expensive.
One small thing that can help is a personal alarm. You can get them as bracelets or necklaces and the person has a monitor in the home and just presses a button if they need help. Lifeline is one company, but there are many others. There are other electronic ways of monitoring, as well, but some of it is pretty intrusive.
I'd start small and see if an elderly friend can start the ball rolling. Then, you could try Senior Companions (through RSVP) if you have that in your area. They are seniors that just come to visit. In-home care may work if you introduce it gradually. Meals On Wheels works for some.
I hope you can find something to ease your worries and make your days less hectic.
Take care,
Carol