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The fact that your mom can no longer manage at home alone does NOT mean that you and her other family members must take up the slack.
What alternatives have you and your mom explored?
I have learned SO much from this forum & especially you! 🤗
Especially giving ourselves permission to say no to people when required.
That said, I found a nice Independent Living senior apartment bldg for my folks which they lived in for 3 years. The IL had a mini bus that took them grocery shopping and to doctor appointments. I wound up taking them to some doctor appointments b/c dad had cancer and I wanted to be there. Walgreens was across the street for meds. After dad fell and broke his hip, I moved them into Assisted Living and took over their finances. After dad died in 2015, I kept mom in AL but downsized her into a smaller apartment, then off to Memory Care in 2019.
She had doctors in the AL but I was always involved in her care, rehab, hospitalizations, specialists, etc. Even though managed care did the hands on caregiving, I did all the rest and there is still A LOT to do.
Decide how you want to proceed from here on out. Should mom move into a senior IL like my folks did? With services/food and a mini bus? Giving you the option to let go of certain services YOU are providing for her now. Think about it. Or get her to hire in home carers, a housekeeper, or use a service/agency who will send out a caregiver 4 hours a day who will run errands, help with housekeeping, cooking, companionship, doctor appointments, etc. Mom can use her money to pay for such a service, of course. That will free you up and lessen your resentment and also your expectation that 'family' help you out. Family is useless, I have found, when it comes to 'helping' us out in any way, shape or form. Let go of that notion now and your future will be that much brighter as a result. As a rule, the only person you can count on is YOURSELF.
Wishing you the best of luck finding a compromise that works for both you and your mom. What you don't want to do is become SO resentful that you do wind up damaging your relationship as a result. It's not worth it.
1. Determine what your mother's financial resources are. Do not accept "that's none of your business". If you are being asked to provide unpaid support, you need to know what the possibilities are. Stand firm on this.
2. Determine what her care needs are--call the local Area Agency on Aging and ask fir a "needs assessment". Or ask her doctor to order one.
3. Keep your mind open to ALL possibilities. You are in control of your life and behavior, not mom.
Now decide how much time you can devote. If you are devoting too much time tell Mom that he current care level and needs is more than you can do. That she needs to consider paying others for some care, and/or placement. Have a good, gentle, honest, heart to heart talk. You are enabling this behavior. You will have to withdraw a bit so that Mom begins to handle more on her own. At the point she is unable that is everyone's message that she needs care and placement..
Get your Mom have a nice list of numbers, everything from Uber and Lyft to 911. And let her handle more things on her own. Go over her assets and resources so you can work together to lighten your load.
The fact that you describe your mother, who sounds *wonderful*, as funny and kind and generous and doing her best, makes me hopeful for both you. It isn't your mother you feel angry and resentful towards.
I second the calls to get back-up despite your do-nothing family members. Spend an idle moment trawling online through all the local services, like domestic cleaning, laundry collection & delivery, grass-cutting, cabs, just for ideas; the chances are that at least some will be relevant and affordable, and it'll take the pressure off you. Wouldn't it be nice to have supper with her and not have to vacuum first?
That's a great starting point. You can ignore it & push it down. Or you can listen in to it. It's a message.
Resentment can mean we are giving too much.
It can grow into anger. Use this energy towards change.
There are a few ways to start. A lot will depend on yours & your Mother's style.
You can start the chat - to find out how really she is. Then what she is struggling with. Gently pointing out your help with different areas.
Next will depend on whether Mother has insight to her difficulties & how much you are doing for her - or not.
She may not want to be a 'burden' but not know what else to do! Discussing home care agencies or services can help. Some people start with 1 x week light housecleaning or shopping assist. Or a meal delivery service. It's a good way to stay at home longer.
But some consider themselves still 100% independent - despite growing dependence on a family member. May even have expectations family must do it (would never pay..)
Some caregivers restrict their time to one day a week. Run all the errands & appointments together all morning then clean & do chores all afternoon. Leave exhausted but job done. However, this may leave little time for just social visiting.
Other caregivers start the process towards downsizing, move to a smaller IL apartment. Then return themselves to primarily being a family visitor.
A friend has just done that now. Was concerned hearing Mother worrying about the roof, the plumbing, the heating, the garden. She was gettong all stressed & confused booking tradesmen. Friend said "It's time. Come check out these places with me". She was nervous but admitted she was quiet lonely too. A nice IL unit with a Friday night happy hour & a few social clubs might be just the thing.
What sort of style do you think would your Mother go for? Agree to more home help, or move? Is she reasonable, or will you have a fight on your hands?
Sorry for the wordy reply. I hope some of the replies & ideas can help towards positive changes.
1) You need to know your mother’s finances, and her approach to her finances. Does she realise that her money is principally for her own care – not to save to give other people an inheritance? Does she have enough to pay for the whole range of people who can be hired to do what you are doing now? Would it be cheaper for her to move to AL where one bill would cover many things? Or could she move to a smaller apartment where many of the services would not be needed? This is not ‘being nosy’. Money affects many of the options that are available.
2) Does she believe that ‘family’ should do everything without being paid? Would she be willing to pay you now as some recompense for work that you are willing and able to do? Would saving the pay for a splashy holiday every few months make you feel better about the whole deal? Less exploited? How would it go down with the siblings? Would they be willing to get involved, if it really was a deal?
3) Does she have a realistic idea about the joys (and costs) of a good AL? Have you taken her to lunch and showed her around at all the facilities and activities?
4) Are you hiding any feelings when you say that she is a “great lady - funny, kind, generous”. We have a long term poster who started years ago saying that he had ‘the greatest Dad in the world’ and was puzzled by his reactions, and now suggests that he was mislead about reality through most of his childhood and now things his Dad is one of the biggest users around’. Negative feelings are often very hard to confront.
All of these are questions worth asking, no matter what your answers are!
to expect your family members to help out, maybe they don’t want to , knowing they will become resentful of a commitment. Tied to it. Family members , are they your siblings ? My moms sister didn’t visit my mom in AL. And I didn’t EXPECT it… it simply isn’t, as just dropping in….
Things don’t get better, so protect yourself.. …………………………………
start getting things in place . Make sure all the legal POA s , will, living will, etc… I would be looking for a nice AL that will take Medicaid after a length of self pay, and one that has a memory care to transition to if ever needed.. I didn’t have a clue about the self pay criteria that some AL have. My hands were tied finding a place that would take Medicaid, when I moved my mom to my state.. I was fortunate, my moms memory care accepted her knowing she would be short a couple of months of self pay.
For many caregivers like myself taking care of an elderly parent, there was dysfunction and abuse from the time we were little kids.
There's nothing you can do about the other family members. No one can force them to help out.
What you can personally do for your mother is set up some homecare services for her. They will do her housekeeping, shopping, cooking, run her errands, and take her to the doctor's appointments.
Do your mother a favor and look into hiring some home/health aides. Or have the talk about her moving to assisted living. There are choices.
She has again sabotaged yet another chore SHE asked me to do...ordering a new walker for her and then waiting until my husband and I were enjoying a rare afternoon together to call and demand a different one..after it was put together by us and delivered with no comments by her about not liking it. She was mad and trying to again punish us because we didint take her shopping for one and just ordered the one she supposedly wanted. Just last week she refused an outing when offerred. I learned a lesson with that after we took her shopping for a new adjustible bed and mattress she wanted which had to be special ordered . She was told verbally and in writing that she had 90 days to return it. At 3 1/2 months she didnt want it because it was too hard ( the salesman and both husband and I told her it would not be good for her arthritis) . 3000.00 wasted without her batting an eye..and of course it was everyone's fault but her own.
Anyway, I am happy for those on this board who have loving memories and appreciative parents that they are caregivers for, because its a lot easier then to be more patient and loving. If my parent was declining and wicked because of dementia, and could not help it, I could be more patient and understanding. But when it comes to verbal attacks, head games and refusing to cooperate , she is sharp as a tack and has been that way all her life. So, for myself, and the rest of us, there are no warm fuzzies and desire to keep plodding ahead. I wish that could be understood by those who feel we are uncaring monsters when we look forward to finally being free from our emotional captors when they die, so we can finally enjoy the life we were meant to have. Sadly, all too often it is too late and we are physically , emotionally , and spiritually completely beaten down ...sometimes there is no money to hire caregivers, no one else able or willing to help, complete refusal to accept help by the parent from programs that may be available to help or caregivers not willing to stay because of the parents nastiness and head games.
I will again be talking to her Dr who has recommended psychiatric help and medication for her, which she has refused,...about getting POA activated before I need one for myself. Back to the mattress saga...She insists the (second) new mattress she is now sleeping on is 60 years old and that her Dr delivered me as a baby ( He is in his 40s ..I am late 60s) I mention that because I know there is dementia and cant even imagine what lies ahead ..I am past my breaking point.
Sit down and make a priority list, putting tasks that are most critical (such as doctor’s appointments) at the top. Highlight the things you enjoy. Circle the things you resent that are not important for you to do personally. Are there tasks that are physically difficult or impossible for you?
Get help with whatever you can. Does she have a friend who would take her to the grocery store and lunch? A sister or a neighbor that could help with a task or two? Any adult grandchildren who might be able to help? Even a weekly check-in at a scheduled time will unburden your stress and lift your mom’s spirits.
Start interviewing for assistants.
Keep all the jobs that are critically important and that you enjoy.
if your mom has the financial reserves to pay for the help you still need to outsource, perfect!
if she doesn’t, call a family meeting and ask each individual to either step up and take a portion of tasks, or provide a monthly payment to cover their portion of duties. You may get better results if you speak with your siblings individually. (They may “gang up” against you if you meet or speak in a group.).
At the end of the day, remember you are doing this for your mom, not for them. Don’t seek or need their approval or thanks.
Your siblings may disappear forever from your life. Be okay with that. it is painful, but it had happened to a lot of us. They will have to live with their choices, not you. Don’t blame yourself. You don’t have to take them back and you don’t have to forgive them.
I was from a very large family and always expected to have 100% support and lots of helping hands. I was wrong— It turns out most of them were only coming around to collect their gifts from my parents and didn’t have interest in reciprocating. It’s amazing how many “dog ate my homework” excuses they came up with. The caretaking was 100% on me. One niece came by once weekly for a hour long visit (no other help with tasks) and that was most appreciated. It made mom happy and that was my main objective. Mom would talk about that visit for the rest of the week!
My parents have been gone for a while now and I have one very incredible surviving relationship with one sibling. She lived far away and didn’t help me with the caretaking but she has helped me with my grief. In my big picture, that may even have been more critical that helping with the physical and emotional labor.
I recommend finding services to minimize your load, meals on wheels, home delivery for stuff, a weekly or by-weekly housekeeper, companion sitter, handyman and them having the talk about going to a facility where her needs will be met and she can make some new friends.
Nobody wants to leave their home, safe nest but, sometimes it is the only solution that works for everyone involved.
Best of luck finding the solution to your anger and resentment.
I helped mom care for dad in his last year of life. I was very close to him and considered it a blessing.
Mother has aged, of course, but she wants NOTHING to do with me. She lives with YB in an apartment. It's really grimy and could use a thoroughly cleaning, but the one thing I CAN do to help her, she won't allow. (Because I actually throw out newspapers and water plants and dust).
A few years ago it really hit me that she was living in disarray and total disorder and that she constantly complained about having no room. Well, you cannot be a hoarder in an 800 sf apartment and have space at the same time. I came up with a workable solution that kept 80% of her things out in view, while 'storing' about 20%. I actually called a family mtg to see if my sibs were on board.
OMGosh. I may as well have lit a bomb in the kitchen. The ANGER that 2 of my sibs let lose with was shocking. Mostly from YB, who felt I was attacking him--while what I was doing was trying to lift some of his self-imposed burden.
Everybody went home a little mad, I cried for 2 days about it and then taught myself to quit caring.
I haven't been back with an eye to cleaning since then. I let the dust pile up and the books topple over and the bird's feathers to land all over and I don't say a word and unless there are actual MOTHS in the butter, I don't do a thing. It's not wanted, asked for nor appreciated.
When mom complains that she doesn't have space, or whatever, that's my signal to walk out. She has heard the solution, she won't accept it. I can't bleed for her, so I have to protect myself and let it go. Anyone who criticizes me for being less than wonderful as a daughter can jolly well go try to 'do' for her. I cannot care that much.
My mother has put me on her POA for medical and financial decisions. She has also transferred all her assets to my name, along with all the responsibilities for those assets. I have a fantasy that when she passes, I will not have a funeral or service, I'll just send them an announcement. I feel guilty about being so angry and resentful, but they are only exhibiting pretty much how they treated me when I was just a child.
My Mom is loving, funny, generous and has been good to all of her children. I cannot resent her and I treasure each day she is still with us. Someday, if I outlive my mother, I will be able to communicate to my siblings what my mother never had the courage to say to her other children. That fantasy keeps me going. It's my little evil treat. Be sure to take care of yourself, after all, you need health and energy to care for your parent. Hang in there and recognize that you are a loving child to a wonderful parent. You done good.
Give up on being upset with your family. They don't want to help and that's their right. Leave it alone.
I think you have burn out. Find help for your mom ASAP, whether she likes it or not. Spend time with her a daughter instead of a caregiver.
Then call a meeting of the other family members that you think should be involved. Tell them what you are willing to do and also tell them that you are unable to continue what you are doing. Be very clear that you simply cannot continue. Ask them what they are willing to do to provide the extra care that you can no longer provide. Be sure that all of you are aware that the list of things that your mother will need will continue to grow. Include in your conversation the cost of hiring a housekeeper (check with local businesses for costs first).
In our family, there were 4 sisters helping my mother. Two of them did most of the work. However, my oldest sister, who lives 2 1/2 hours away agreed to call Mom every day. I agreed to do the errands, including picking up prescriptions and groceries. I also arranged for monthly housekeeping service, which 2 of my other sisters contributed. It still left the other two sisters with much more to do than I did or my oldest sister did, but the two of them did have less to do. We also made inquiries into which assisted living and nursing care facilities would be appropriate when/if it became necessary. Bear in mind that your mother should pay for some services, like the housekeeping services, if she can. If there is no money look into what your county or local senior services center will provide.
Stepping back could save your relationship with your mother. It may also save your relationships with other family members.
In my mind the perfect role for me to have taken would have been to visit her weekly in her residential care and take her flowers and treats and take her for drives and let the staff do all the cleaning and cooking. My other sisters wanted Mom to stay in her home. So they ended up doing a lot of work to keep her there.
You may end up needing to balance your mother's perceived quality of life against your own exhaustion. Keep your own health and sanity in mind when you consider that balance. Perhaps your mother in a good facility with a caring daughter who visits might be better than your mother in her own home with no family but the one daughter who resents being there. If I were your mother I would want to have the one daughter caring enough to visit me and cheer me up rather than living alone and grumpy with a resentful daughter who does the work but has no energy to chat, enjoy a cup of tea with me, or tell little stories about things that are happening in her life. If your Mom is the great lady you describe, you both need to be able to enjoy each other's company. You can only do that if you choose wisely what and how much you can do. Your Mom should eventually adjust to changes if you explain that the changes are necessary to keep you both healthy and happy.