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I don't care what is causing your mum's behaviour, I am more concerned about your behaviour, You have needs and they are not being attended to, Your mum is being looked after - she is safe, housed, fed and has carers around her. There is no law that says you have to put yourself last and these demands of your mum first. You have a huge load with a severely autistic son and a mother with ALZ. What happens to him of something happens to you? Put the oxygen mask on yourself first. Your husband's and your child's needs and your eed come before your mother's. Take time for yourself, consider seeing a therapist as to why you got yourself into this predicament of messed up priorities and why guilt is running your life.
Have you heard of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt? You are lost in it. Find your way out by not allowing the FOG to rule your decisions. Real guilt is when you have done something wrong which you haven't towards your mum except enabling her. Why not feel guilt towards your husband for not being there for him? False guilt is what you are feeling - which happens when you do not live up to the usually unrealistic expectations of others e.g. your mother. You are allowing yourself to be manipulated by her - disease or not - it is not healthy for you or your family and you are the only one who can change it.
Good luck and blessings to you in this difficult journey. I trust you will start to make some changes for your own and you immediate family's benefit.
Talk to your doctor about helping you with your anxiety. You need medication. Make an appointment today.
I am telling you, friend, if you do not get a handle on the stress in your life? Mom will outlive you.
You articulate your state of mind very well. Your post really got my attention. I agree with Maggie. You've got to get some relief. Step back, unplug moms phone, cut down on visits, or completely walk away. There will always be some guilt and people will criticize even the most diligent caregivers. But it sounds to me your fed up gauge is in the red zone.
I'm going to get a dr. appointment for me - by the end of the day. The comment that me denying the need for help is exactly what my mom is doing - well, that hit home.
I eventually discovered that she needed more care than regular assisted living where she was staying. They were not equipped. It was very stressful to await those calls.
The key for us was moving her to a Memory Care facility. They knew how to care for her and not call me for trivial matters. They occupy her time and she does not call me repeatedly. The facility will call me if there is some reason to call me. That's it. I call them and ask questions. I call and speak with her. I know that she is being well cared for and it is a good feeling.
I hope the new placement for you mother works out well. If they are a good fit, you might see a big improvement.
There is still responsibility, that I would rather not have, but the daily care is in their hands and they do it wonderfully without checking with me on every issue.
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